Quickie update

I am so far behind that I may never get caught up. I have missed blogging!!! Yet I can not recall one free moment this month that I could have done it. Here goes a really quick update (especially for you Sarah ;) )
The kids and I have made it safely back to Delaware. Only to find that our apartment is not quite ready to move into! Thank you DH who keeps procrastinating. So we are staying with DH's Aunt and Uncle. They have been too kind.
The night we arrived back our 20 month old son BB had to be rushed to the emergency room and had oral surgery. He fell off his brand new tri-cycle and shattered his two front teeth. Now he won't have any front teeth til he is about 7 years old!! I know I know I should be happy it was only his baby teeth BUT it is hard to look at your perfect little baby who now has only a giant gap where 2 days ago his perfect little teeth were.
This was not exactly how I saw our first day back playing out! Oh well we are here and mostly uninjured.
DH got the job last month with a great company in New Castle, DE. Hence the reason the kids and I came back up north.
I had a great visit with my family. And even a couple of my friends. Sorry Wandering Heart that we never could meet up. The kids are over their colds now.
So I am living and breathing, tired and happy, anxious and overwhelmed so not much has changed. Hopefully very soon we will be settled and my life will go back into a much need routine.

Until next time...

Weekend to reconnect

This weekend is turning out to be so wonderful. I am visiting my best friend!!!! I haven't seen her in a year. And It is so wonderful to be face to face instead of relying on phones and web cams to see each other! The kids (her three and my four) are getting along so great. We were worried that the kids would have forgotten each other. It only took less than five minutes for them to become reacquainted with each other. I expected to have to break up fights but so far so good no fighting at all!
I forgot how much I missed my down time with my friend. We stayed up WAY too late last night. But it was worth it! It is so nice to be able to just get in the car and drive up the road to see her!

Things on the home front are going about the same. DH got a job offer in Delaware. I am not sure how I feel about it. He thinks it is worth it to take the job for at least 90 days. He can not come down to TN for at least 60 days anyway. This job would afford us the ability to move all of our stuff and get a place to stay before he transfers down here. I don't exactly like being separated from him but at the same time there is an element of freedom associated with me being here and him there.
I got an opportunity to talk to an old friend yesterday who is going through a very similar situation as me with her own marriage. It was kind of nice to know I am not the only one going through a difficult period. It is so nice to have people who are honest and open about things to talk to.

I really miss blogging everyday. I d0 try to read every one's blogs but I am more a lurker these days that a commenter. It is hard for me to get online since I am always using someone else's computer. I am really praying that I will be able to get a laptop so I could have my own computer to use whenever I need to. Maybe that is selfish or foolish, since I don't even have my own place to live right now. I am not sure. But I think it would help me to feel more normal again to be able to have the freedom to do my computer stuff when I need to or want to.

I am struggling with the idea that I may need to get a job. Right now since I am staying with my parents they are willing to watch the kids for me. That of course comes with some strings attached. Mostly because I would need to work around their schedule. My mom and Dad have a very busy social life these days. I can not think of any kind of job that I really want to do. I realize that I may just have to get a job that is not what I want just get a little money and freedom but it is hard to decide what I want to do. This next week I am gonna have to decide though. My mom thinks that if I get a job it helps me to feel less like this a vacation and more like I am starting over again. I am still holding on to the hope that things are going to work out for me and DH. I am so torn because for the first time since we have been together I can see myself stepping out on my own. Part of me almost looks forward to it. But then there is the bigger part of me that knows I don't want to live separately. SO I don't know the answers yet. I wish I could say that I am at a place in my walk with God where my faith is strong enough to bring me through. I used to have a faith that was unshakable. I am not sure what has happened to that girl. I think I am just so tired. Things have not been what I ever thought they were going to be. I am not sure any one's life turns out the way they thought it would. At this stage though how do I decide do I keep fighting and tell myself that things will work out for the good? Do I throw in the towel and say it is time to start over again? I am not a good decision maker. I vacillate to much. I am always afraid I will make the wrong choice. I did not used to be like this. I used to make a decision and stick with it no matter what. Now I wonder is things are hard because I feel like there is just too much at stake. I worry about things so much more than I ever did before. Having kids will do it to you I guess. Some how I do feel the pull to gravitate back toward God and yet there is this overwhelming fear of spiritual warfare! Every time I try to live the way I know God wants me to I am find myself in the midst of terrible battles. Is it wrong to just want to give up and say I need a break? I am not sure what to believe anymore. It is not like I don't believe in God or the Bible because I definitely do! It is just balancing what I believe with how I should be living.
OK so I have gone way farther than I wanted to with train of thought. So, I guess I will go for now.

I arrived back in Tennessee late Saturday night. Well actually we crossed into TN around 6 pm but did not arrive at my parents home until around midnight. Poor Weewee was so confused as to why it was still so far away if we were in TN. The drive down was actually not too bad. Considering I had three of my children all under 4. The baby did really great. She hardly fussed at all. Weewee and Bigoo did not fight at all and they enjoyed our frequent stops at rest areas to run around and play. I felt it was important for all of our sanity to stop and stretch our legs every couple of hours. It seems like that worked because we had a mostly pleasant trip.
I feel so much better just being back in the south. As I crossed into TN I discovered that it was opening night a Neyland Stadium and I was able to hear the VOLS play (and win) their first home game of the season!!! I got to eat Chick-fil-A and order a real sweet tea, for my first meal at home! :) For those unfamiliar with these things I will just say there is nothing like being back at home!

As for me and DH well things are going to be OK I am sure! I think sometimes for us we just need a few minutes to step back realize what we have so we can appreciate each other. There is no divorce on our horizon! Things are still hard for us. Mostly it is just the stress of knowing we have these 4 little people who rely on us for everything and right now we are just not sure how we will make it all work. Being faced with the loss of our only income has been almost too much to handle for both of us.
I know things are going to be OK.

So I am off to spend the afternoon with my Mom, sans children! Wooohooo!!! Whatever will I be able to do?!?!?!

On the run again

O I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything....it's just that life is way to chaotic for me these days. We are living at my husband's mother's house with 8 other people (not including our 4 children). My husband lost his job about 3 days after moving down here. He is currently (was before he lost his job) looking for a new job. The one job he thought was a "sure" thing has not panned out yet. Needless to say we are having a hard time right now. We are both edgy and irritable with each other. Not to mention the little ones who are in constant need of something. As I type I have a 3 year old standing next to me whining about why her Daddy won't take her bye bye with him. UGH!!!! No peace for me these days. This whole situation is doing nothing to help the feelings of depression I was facing before all these new events came upon us.
I am going to go home to Tennessee for a little while. I really only want it to be a for a visit. But I know if my Mom has it her way I will relocate there by myself (with the kids of course). She swears that she does not want to see my marriage end or that she will not encourage that at all. But I know for certain that once I go down there I will be pressured into staying and starting over with out him. I do not want to get divorced (not yet at least) I don't think it is right to break a promise just because things are getting hard. Why did I even call home to talk to my mom in the midst of my sorrow? One good thing about going down there is that I will get to pick up #1Son (who thinks he will be extending his vacation with Nana and Granddad indefinitely). I miss him so much. He has been down south since July 21st. It is time for me to get my son back.

I know this post must sound desperate. It is not. I really just wanted to update those who read my blog. Kind of an explanation of why I have not been posting. I just have not had enough emotional energy to post lately. Not to mention no private time to think. I thought long and hard about whether or not post this. It seems too public a setting to post such a private battle. But in the end I decided it was better to be honest than to not say anything at all.
So those of you who pray, please remember us.

Hope to be back to normal soon.

I am leaving for TN tomorrow and won't be back for a couple of weeks. I will be able to use a computer while there but I don't know how often.

Talk to you all soon.

I am tired

Ok so this move did not go off quite as planned. THe goodnews is it still (so far) has cost us less than we (I) were thinking. I got a free moving van from the storage place that we are renting space in. That was awesome.! Till I got home and figures out that it was way to small to hold all our stuff. And we only had the use of it from 9am to 4pm! You would think this fact alone would have motivated DH to get a move on it...right? Wrong! He took his time bringing our friend Mike up to help us move. They did not get back to the house until almost noon. Finally around 1 we started loading the truck and at 3:30 we were on our way back to the storage place. We arrive an hour and a half late with the truck and penalized $25 for being late. We like to have had a stroke unloading the truck into the unit the heat and humidity were so bad. Then we were headed to eat and go back to the house to bring the rest of our earthly belongings by truck loads to the house and storage unit. Today is Tuesday and we have at least 4 more trips to make! I am so exhausted. The kids are tired of being babysat by Grammy. I need sleep in the worst way....But on the bright side we are alive and well! So that is my little update on the fly...gotta run and get ready to take SIL to work so I can use MIL's truck!

ttla

Moving day

Today we are moving so I will be out for a couple of days.....like I haven't been for this week anyway...hehehe

Anyway say a prayer for us there is too much to do and not enough time to do it all!

My mini makeover

In light of the fact I have been feeling so bad lately, I decided today was the day for a real haircut and eye brow waxing. I got my long hair chopped about a month ago. But have been unhappy with how it turned out. I didn't say much since it was my mom who cut it the first time. I did not want to hurt her feelings. She actually did a good job on it considering that all of a sudden (since having my 2nd child) I have curly hair!!! Weird but true!
So, I went to the salon and got it cut really short.....in hopes that it will be really easy to manage. It took the girl a long time to cut it but I felt good to be there being pampered a little. When she was nearly done I thought I should go the whole nine yards and have my unruly eye brows waxed. Seeing as how it has been a couple of years since I had someone else do them for me, it felt like such a treat.
I feel like a new woman. I sure hope DH likes it when he gets home tonight.
So that is my step toward the Hot Mama Revolution today! If you want to know what that is check out my side bar and click on the picture. Thanks Farm Wife for sharing...;)

Good day

Today I had a good day!!! YAY! I got a little bit accomplished...no packing done :( But I did mow the lawn and spray weed killer on the patio. This was a major task. I also got the grocery shopping done and spent a good deal of time with my kids. It felt great to be out in the sunshine especially since it was only in the 80's today :)
I also got to take the kids for a walk this evening. We have not done that in several weeks because of the heat.

Tomorrow I will pack a lot!!! I will I will...I hope I will...

PPD

I haven't posted in a few days partly because I just haven't felt like admitting what is going through my head (until now). And partly because I am trying to stay focused on packing and cleaning my house. Since I am being somewhat lazy this morning I have decided to post what is on my mind.

The other day when I was writing about my deep personal struggle with being a mom, I felt like such a failure. I was so sad and felt totally alone. It didn't help that I was in such a bad mood that I fought with DH and the children all day. So, I spent a day of total misery until my DH had a conversation with me about postpartum depression. Now usually I would blow it all off as just a bad day. But lately I have been having too many bad days. I don't know yet if I do have PPD but it is a possibility. I know something is wrong. I know I don't want to continue in the pattern I am in. It makes me feel helpless, out of control and just plain mean. Maybe it is a hormone imbalance. Maybe it is something else all together. But I finally came to the conclusion that it is not going to go away all by itself. Whatever is going on is effecting me in such a deep and utterly chaotic way that I have to be proactive in finding out what it is.
So bear with me while I take my steps on this journey.
You may be asking yourself why I would share such a personal thing on my public blog? Well, first of all I am not a good liar. I can not just post cute things all the time and make it appear that I have it all together. Second of all this is very therapeutic for me. It is one of my only outlets. DH tries to be there for me, but let's face it he is a guy and a LOT less emotional than me. And third I want to share this experience because maybe it can help some other mom who is facing the same things as me. If I keep my story to myself then no one else gets the benefit of learning from my life.
I will try not turn this whole blog into a PPD thing (if that's even what is wrong). But I really want to reflect my real life on here. So please be patient with me as I sort through this murky sea of confusion.

I've been tagged by Lauren

THE RULES:

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.

2. You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

3. When you are tagged, you need to write your own blog post containing your own middle name game facts.

4. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

E~ Everyday is a challenge for me

V~ Very very sleep deprived with 4 children under 5.

E~ Ever wondering when will they all be out of diapers.

T~ Too many blessing to count gave up counting for the next few years :)

T~ Tornadoes come through my house on regular basis...maybe I should alert the national weather services. I guess they don't send out alerts for an 18 month old, 3 yr old and almost 5 year old.

E~ Everyone depends on me to provide their security, kiss their boo boos and generally make life ok......how scary is that?

I tag:

Farm Wife

Jenster

Sarah

Zann

Mama

Ok so I don't know enough bloggers to use every letter of my middle name. Unless you count the fact that I actually only have three letter in my name they just repeat :)

Have fun!!!

When there is no right side of the bed.

When one of my children wakes up in a grumpy mood my answer to that is to gently tell them to go back to their room, get back in bed and wake up on the happy side. This usually gets giggles from #1 son. Who eagerly runs back to his room to emerge a few seconds later exclaiming I did it mommy I woke up on the happy side of the bed. Only rarely does this little tactic fail.



So here I go whining again. But I can not seem to find that happy side of the bed. Maybe because I truly know what is waiting for me out there in my house. And I would prefer to just stay in my bed or at least in my bedroom until life gets nice again.



It's not so much that life is so bad. I have faced worse you know. But for me right now being faced with four very young children, an impending move, the uncertainty of where we will be next, the prospect of staying with DH's family (again) etc... just seems a little too daunting. Yet, I know I have no choice but to keep on going and face whatever comes across my path. Only I don't really want to. What I want to do is throw myself in the floor kicking and screaming and see if I can get my way! DH's asked me last night to just tell him in plain English what he can do to make things easier. I wish I could do that. I just don't know what would make things easier. He sees it like a simple tell me what to do and then it will be all better. I am much more complicated than that and therefore can not even begin to know how to make this better.


I truly don't think it is depression. At least not in the sense of "Oh go to the doctor and get a pill to fix this..." It's more like DH and I have been together for a little over 6 years now and maybe I am starting to get an itch. I mean I thought things would be a lot different. They are not necessarily bad but something must not be right for me to feel like this. Most days I am OK with that. But when my stability and independence are taken away then I get little less tolerable.

I don't want to be this ungrateful sounding person. I am so grateful that DH has the only out of our home job. I do not know how working mothers do it. I am just not as good at multitasking. I know if I had to I would some how make it work. But I am truly thankful that I do not have to do that. I am completely willing to go with out the extras in life if it means I can stay home and focus on my children. I am not a high maintenance girl. My husband is grateful for that :) Maybe if I talk myself out of this funk it will go away for good this time.
I am sure my 4 readers out there are tired of hearing my long winded complaints.

So for my family, friends, and self I need to pull myself out of my grumpiness. Maybe I will go back to my room lay down on the bed and try one more time to find the "happy side".

Lost at sea

Tonight I am sitting here wondering about so many things.

It is so hard to not get overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like I am caught in a rip tide. My feet come rushing out from under me and all of a sudden I am drowning. At least this is what I think a rip tide would be like.

One moment I can feel happy and like things are going just as I think they should and then something happens and nothing seems OK. What is this? Is it because I have been struggling with my faith? Is it because I have four children and never saw that as what my life would be? Is it because I seem to be the ONLY person in this world who can see the goodness in the man I am married to? What is this thing that is trapping me down below the surface of my desires to be happy.

Some might think it is postpartum depression. I would argue that I have felt this way since long before the baby came. Some would say I have been pregnant back to back for 5 years and so that is contributing to these feelings. To this I would say YES that could be it. But I see these other Mom's who seem so in love with being a Mom. Why can't I have that? Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids. I just don't feel the same about the exhausting, draining, hard work that it takes to do this job.

I feel like I am going to ruin my children's lives. I yell too much. Twice in a month two of my children have told someone else that "Mommy doesn't like me" What is that?!?!? I have never told any of the kids that I don't like them. Are they trying to elicit sympathy from their listener? Or do they really feel this way? Is this normal for young children to feel rejected when a new baby (or 3) comes along?

I try everyday to make each child feel like they are the MOST special person in my life. Yet they still fight constantly with each other. Lately I find myself either completely ignoring their fights or snapping at them for each little inference. How can I call myself a loving mother if I yell at them, send them to their rooms, spank etc... ?? But what am I supposed to do? My patients are so worn out. Even if I ever do get to sleep through the night again (which I am seriously doubt will ever happen in my life) I don't think it will change who I really am at the core.

I have spent my life trying to be a good christian, a good daughter, a good friend, a good wife, a good mother etc... Where is it getting me? I am not sure who I am any more. Beyond the basic titles of wife and mommy, who am I? I am surely not the girl I was in High School. That girl deserved a big kick in the pants. I am not the young lady I was in my 20's. She was a know-it-all who had an opinion about everything and judgements to dole out to anyone who did not meet her standard. Now I am a woman in my 30's and I am lost!

I question everything I have ever thought to be true. Where did my sense of self go? I thought getting older would help me to be wiser. I thought I would feel like a grown up eventually. I am lost in a sea of diapers, spit up, stomach viruses, and left overs. The list could go on and on.

When does the peace come? Maybe I am hitting the rebellion stage that I never got to enjoy when I was a teenager. Probably not but I do have this overwhelming urge to just runaway (for at least a few hours anyway). Where would I run to? Well, I have no earthly idea! That is the problem. Everyone tells me to find time for myself! Yeah right! I don't even get to go to the potty by myself anymore. If am cruel enough to close the door, I get to listen to a small person on the other side scream "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY....!!!!!"


Does it get better than this? I don't mean theoretically I mean does it actually get better? These are all questions I do not have the answers to. I am not even sure I want the answers (too afraid it will scare the *bleep* out of me).

So, that leaves me to wonder these things to myself. I would not dare voice them for fear that someone might think I don't have it as together as they think I do.

Failure is not an option...right? So I guess I need to pull up my big girl pants and put on a happy face and keep on keeping on.

Getting the word out

I took this off another blog (thanks Jenster) and wanted to post it here to because I think it is SO very important for women to be informed. I had never hearf of this before and am more than shocked by this news. ope it can help someone.

Whymommy at Toddler Planet has a message to share. She's a young wife and mother who was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer when her infant stopped nursing on one side. There was no lump and it appeared to be mastitis. Instead it was the very sneakiest form of breast cancer. But I'll let her tell you about it:We hear a lot about breast cancer these days. One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetimes, and there are millions living with it in the U.S. today alone. But did you know that there is more than one type of breast cancer?I didn’t. I thought that breast cancer was all the same. I figured that if I did my monthly breast self-exams, and found no lump, I’d be fine.Oops. It turns out that you don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer. Six weeks ago, I went to my OB/GYN because my breast felt funny. It was red, hot, inflamed, and the skin looked…funny. But there was no lump, so I wasn’t worried. I should have been. After a round of antibiotics didn’t clear up the inflammation, my doctor sent me to a breast specialist and did a skin punch biopsy. That test showed that I have inflammatory breast cancer, a very aggressive cancer that can be deadly.Inflammatory breast cancer is often misdiagnosed as mastitis because many doctors have never seen it before and consider it rare. “Rare” or not, there are over 100,000 women in the U.S. with this cancer right now; only half will survive five years. Please call your OB/GYN if you experience several of the following symptoms in your breast, or any unusual changes: redness, rapid increase in size of one breast, persistent itching of breast or nipple, thickening of breast tissue, stabbing pain, soreness, swelling under the arm, dimpling or ridging (for example, when you take your bra off, the bra marks stay – for a while), flattening or retracting of the nipple, or a texture that looks or feels like an orange (called peau d’orange). Ask if your GYN is familiar with inflammatory breast cancer, and tell her that you’re concerned and want to come in to rule it out.There is more than one kind of breast cancer. Inflammatory breast cancer is the most aggressive form of breast cancer out there, and early detection is critical. It’s not usually detected by mammogram. It does not usually present with a lump. It may be overlooked with all of the changes that our breasts undergo during the years when we’re pregnant and/or nursing our little ones. It’s important not to miss this one.Inflammatory breast cancer is detected by women and their doctors who notice a change in one of their breasts. If you notice a change, call your doctor today. Tell her about it. Tell her that you have a friend with this disease, and it’s trying to kill her. Now you know what I wish I had known before six weeks ago.You don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer.A couple other misconceptions that need to be addressed are these:
I’m too young for breast cancer.If you’re old enough to have breasts then you’re old enough to get breast cancer. According to The American Cancer Society (ACS) more than 11,100 women under the age of 40 will be diagnosed with the disease this year and more than 1,100 will die from it.I have no family history of breast cancer so I have nothing to worry about.Another ACS statistic states 80% of breast cancer diagnoses are in women without a family history.
Because there is no good screening for women under 40 it's very important to do your own screening. The Young Survivor Coalition, a non-profit organization dedicated to the concerns and issues of young women and breast cancer, has this to say:
The best tool for young women to find breast cancer early is to become familiar with their breasts: their shape, size, and what they feel like. Learn what is normal for you. Sometimes your breasts may change throughout your monthly cycle. If you are pregnant or nursing, your breasts will change even more dramatically. If you find anything unusual, see your doctor immediately and insist on a diagnosis. Also, beginning at age 20, have a yearly breast exam by a doctor. Start mammograms beginning at age 40.

Letter to Lucy

I was going to post this on the kid's blog but I decided to post it here instead. This evening Wee wee walk up beside me while I was chatting with my mom on the phone, and had the following conversation with me.

Weewee: Mommy I want to put this outside (folded piece of paper with crayon scribbles on it).
Me: Why do you want to put that outside?
Weewee: I want to put this outside where Lucy is.
Me: Sweety Lucy is not outside. Remember she went to heaven to be with Jesus.
Weewee: I know that mom! But I want to put this outside so God can reach down and give it to Lucy for me.
Me: Well what is it?
Weewee: It's a letter for Lucy
Me: Can you read it to me?
Weewee: Weeellllll it saysssssss there is a place for her paw print right here. And it says Dear Lucy I miss you soooooooooo much!
Me: So you want to put it outside?
Weewee: YESSSSS! So God can reach down and get it and give it to Lucy!
Me: OK baby we will put it out there.

OK this was the cutest conversation I have had with my daughter since her cat died last week. I think maybe she has watched "All Dogs Go To Heaven" a few too many times. We bought the movie yesterday and she has watched it 5 times already. But at least now she is coping with the loss instead of just crying for her cat to come back.
So we went outside and placed her letter on the porch for God to "reach down and get it"
How precious is the faith of a child!

Slam book questions and answers for farm wife

What's your name/nickname? I don't have one....can't even think of one.

If it's a nickname where did you get it and why?
Do you have a significant other (very important question in the lives of high school girls)?yes
Who is your best friend?Tiffany
What's your favorite _Color________? green (I'll let you fill in the blank. Typical Slam book choices were color, band, song, movie, number, food. You can fill in as many or as few as you like. OK, so maybe the questions weren't really that deep, but we were adolescents...sue us!)
Do penguins have knees? no...ummm...I don't think so anyway
Who's hotter: Dead Poets' Society Ethan Hawke or Reality Bites Ethan Hawke? Dead Poets Society ;)
If you were stranded on a desert island which lead singer would you most prefer to accompany you? Eddie Vedder
AdamDuritz, Eddie Vedder, or Michael Stipe . And why? He's the only one I know for sure :)
If one train leaves Boston at 2a.m. traveling at 15mph and a bird flies south from your roof at the butt-crack of dawn which side of the bed will you get upon? the left side
Given a free long weekend & $1,000 you were not allowed to spend on bills, what would you do? Amsterdam
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Enough
Leave us with your favorite quote.

"When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk you'll end up as the pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."-- Pablo Picasso





Feel free to answer these for yourself and leave me a note so I can check out your blog. Or answer in my comments section.

My accomplishment for today

Today I have been trying to think of ways to be thrifty and possibly make some extra money. This is a common theme in my thoughts everyday. I went to the store yesterday and I could not make my self pay $7.99 for the refill pack for baby wipes! I just think that is a little over the top as far as pricing goes. So I decided I would just make the trip to the Dollar Tree today to see if they had any wipes that would do for my two littlest ones. Sometime in these thoughts a conversation from over 10 years ago replayed itself in my brain. Funny how that kind of recall works but half the time I can't remember how to spell my own name or which of my children I am trying to speak to. Any way I digress. So, this conversation was with a friend in college who had recently become a mommy. She was telling me how to make my own baby wipes. I remember thinking at the time I will NEVER be that thrifty! Never I will always buy everything I need pre-made. Well, my my how things have changed since having children! I not only entertained the idea of making my own wipes but I actually did it!!! Wow! Yeah me!! This is one of those moments where you go, hmm I really am a mom now. I will let you all know how it goes. I am hoping this works because it only cost me maybe $2.00 for 230 wipes as opposed to at least $5.00 for that many wipes.
OK now onto the money making idea. I am not sure I want to share all of it just yet. I still have to research and work through a few things in my own head. But I have the budding of a possible home based business in my head. I really need to come up with something. It is not like I can get a job outside our home right now. With all the kids it would actually cost us more (in child care) than I could bring home every week. So more on this idea of mine later.

Now about our upcoming move. Which by the way I should be packing...but you all already know how lazy and procrastinating I am. Here is our plan so far. We are moving out of the house that we currently live in. And into DH's mom's house. For three months. At the end of three months he will either be at the job in Delaware or we will be heading back to TN. Not very concrete by any means but it is the best I have to work with right now. DH cannot in good conscience take a job in TN that pays half of what he makes here. The job that is available in DE pays more than his salary here in PA and the benefits are way better. We defiantly agree that we want to move back home with in the next year. We just want to make sure that when we do things are in place so that we will not struggle so much. Let's pray that things work out to get back to TN before #1Son starts kindergarten next year. If not then I will seriously have to rethink moving him after he starts school. So bear with me while I work through this agonizing decision process with my DH. He changes his mind sometimes more that most people change their underpants:)

Thought this was interesting and pretty accurate

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Nicknames....

OK here is a random....or maybe not so random thought ....I stink at coming up with nicknames. Each of my children have been given a very appropriate nickname from their father. If my DH comes up with a nickname it usually sticks pretty well. Me on the other hand it just sounds silly...even to my own ears. Here is the dilemma though... (this has nothing to do with my kids) I need to make a new email account. I cannot think of anything that fits me to make as my email name. I am tired of having my actual name as the identifying factor in my email accounts. The reason I am feeling urgent about this is that we will be moving at the end of the month and so my comcast account won't work anymore and I need an account for all my subscriptions to be sent.
So how do you all choose such great nicknames for yourself? And secondly if I may impose does anyone out there have a creative idea that they would not mind sharing with me???? I am desperate to have a cute new nickname:)

OK so I am rereading this before I post and I have decided I really do have a pathetic sense of creativity.


While I am asking questions I have one for "a wandering heart" (since I know you read my blog..hehehe) How do you do those great collages with your pictures??

OK I will be back later....so put your thinking caps on :) LOL

To move or not to move...that is the question?

OK today the big joke seems more real than on most other days. It seems in my life every time I let my guard down and let my dreams flow they are at once all shattered and I feel worse than when I started out. When will I learn? Should I give up all my dreams or hopes just so it won't hurt when things don't go the way I want them to? I know this does not make much sense. So maybe I should start with why I am feeling like this today.
I have been so overwhelmed this week. We have decided that despite our best efforts living in Pennsylvania is just to dog gone expensive. My husband has to work upwards of 60 hours a week just so we struggle to make it through the next week. Our basic needs are barely met. And with each of our four children having needs of their own the task to meet them is daunting. So, we decided to give it up and go back to Tennessee. This would make me so much happier. I miss home. I miss the ease of life, the familiar places, and faces. The kindness that you find in most all people, the hospitality and the food :). I miss my family. I know going back home will help with a lot of our problems. It has been so disappointing to live here. Some things, like the cost of living, could be over looked if other things, like the family relationships, were easier. I hate to even admit that we made a mistake. I am not equipped to deal with the politics that come along with a family that has been so severed by divorce and addictions. I did not grow up in this kind of environment and so my skills in coping with it now are not as refined as my husband's. Don't get me wrong there will be family members that I will miss so much that it hurts to even think about leaving them. But on a whole I am the kind of person that needs a lot of love and support from my extended family. That need is not being met here. So it makes my home sickness even more acute.
OK I am rambling. So our plan is to move back to Tennessee in about 3 months. In the mean time we are going to move out of our house and back into my MIL's house. In order to save money. If we were to try and stay in our house it would cost so much that it might take us another year to get where we could afford to move. The commute from his Mom's house will be hell on my husband. But he is willing to do it. So we have set the ball in motion. We gave notice to our landlord. I am starting to pack and at the end of this month we will be residing with his Mom again. Not so bad for us. I love his mom so much and do not have to hard of a time living with her. It is his younger brothers and their girlfriends that are a little harder to live with. But I can manage if the end result is that we will get move back home.
My DH put his resume out on some head hunter sites and immediately got a call from a company in Delaware. This company happens to be on that he has dreamed of working for since he got out of school. The benefits are great. The pay is decent. And the location is right in Delaware where we could be closer to his family. Yet, I feel so scared that he will want to take the job. I know that if he takes the job he will only be happy for about a year (if that) and then we will be facing the same thing all over again. I feel like this is the last time in our life that I want to make a major move. #1son will be starting school in a year and I want him to have roots. A place where her can grow up and know that he belongs. I was willing to make that place here in the Mid Atlantic area but now that I know DH needs to get out of Aviation and find a new career path, I want to go home. IS this selfish? I mean I want what is best for our family. He has a choice to go back home and possibly only make $14-$16 dollars an hour or stay here and make $25 an hour. The difference is not lost on me. I know $25 an hour would be better but living here and having the hope of going home presented to me made me want to go home more than anything. I can not see us ever being really happy here. There is too much hurt, the is too much...ugh..I can not even think how to put it into words!
So now I am faced with do I make my husband keep his promise to me? Or do I let him take a job that I am pretty sure he will not want to be at with in a year or so?
My only prayer now is that a job opens up in the Nashville area that pays better. His ultimate plan is to go back to TN with an aviation job but to enroll in school to become a HVAC technician. He really wants to own his own business. And we both feel the better place to accomplish this goal is Tennessee.

OK so I am trying to keep my hopes high and not be so scared that he will not make the right choice. It is just so hard when I have had so many let downs in my life. Just once I want something to go the way we plan it. Instead of turning into something we never saw coming.

On that note I will quit rambling and griping about my crazy life.

Our Cat Lucy

Today has been a sad day... our cat Lucy went to be with Jesus. This morning when Dh came home from work he said that he let her in (she's a night prowler and spent most nights outside hunting) and put her in the garage so she could eat. She was acting kind of funny and when he went back out to the garage a few minutes later she had passed on. We think she might have been poisoned. Or at least gotten a hold of a rodent that had been poisoned. She was fine last night when I let her out.
I had to tell Weewee when she came home that her kitty had died and she was so sad. She immediately wanted to get a new kitty but I think we will settle for one of those "Fur Real Pets". A toy seems much more doable for us right now.

I know our family will really miss her but I can only hope that she is in Kitty heaven hunting and frolicking in peace now.

I am waiting......
still waiting .......
for my little girl to come home.....sure wish MIL would call to say when they will be here....do I start dinner or wait.....I just want my daughter home I miss her.

Maybe soon? I hope.
I thought they would be coming this way early this morning. Guess not huh?
Soon I hope.

SHE'S FINALLY HOME!!!! 9:30pm but I am too happy to complain :)

Despite the fact that I have felt crummy all day, due to some intestinal virus, it has been a good day. Today was the last day where I will have only my two youngest children at home. To tell the truth I have felt lost with out the other two. #1son is in Tennessee with my family and Weewee is with DH's family. Weewee got to go to the beach yesterday. I will skip the part about how I am terribly paranoid about my kids visiting the beach without me. She told me on the phone today the she liked the beach except the waves and sand part....hehehehe!
Bigoo and I have had a wonderful time bonding with just us and the baby. He is a lot to handle without his big brother and big sister to entertain him. While my parents were visiting my mom got him spoiled on taking a nightly walk around the neighborhood. Tonight was the first night I did not follow through with it. Only because I am feeling so bad. (see note above re intestinal virus) I love to take him on those walks it is so relaxing for him and it gives me a chance to clear my head as well. I am not sure how we will manage to keep it up when Weewee or #1son get home. It is hard enough to wrangle two babies (one in a stroller and one in a snuggly or sling). Weewee is just small enough that walking around the block proves to be a little too much for her short legs. I a have a double stroller but it is a little more than daunting to think of pushing two and carrying one. Oh well, that is a challenge for another day.
I will be posting some pictures to the children's blog soon. We got to take so many while my family was visiting. And then the last night they were here DH's Grandmother flew in from California. She has never met any of her great grandchildren so it was a special treat. Thank God #1son had not yet left for TN. I would have been so heart broken. Also DH's Aunt came in from Louisiana with her daughter and grand daughter. SO we had a great time.


Last Saturday was DH's birthday. He turned 35 this year. I think it is kind of messing with his head a little. He thinks he is old. We got to go out and celebrate with his cousin (my bestest friend here) her husband, her brother, his girlfriend and another friend. It was so much fun to go out and just be grown ups. I forgot how much fun it used to be before we had kids. Thank goodness for his mom playing babysitter to all our kids. I have to say my MIL is the greatest when it comes to stuff like that. She always gives us the opportunity to get out. Maybe it is because she knows if I lose my mind with all these kids she is stuck with them and her son!!! Oh what an awful thought that must be.....: )


So, I have calmed down now and the baby is nursing much better again. I think I may have panicked a little. It is just that I set my mind to nursing her for longer than I did the other 3. Mostly because I always regretted weaning each of them. So I want to nurse her for at least 6 months. 4 Months is the longest I have ever lasted. Each time I have nursed a baby I start out all excited but then I get to the point where no one is supporting me and I give it up. So this time I set myself up with support and now all I have to rely on is that I have milk and the baby wants it.
So far so good....with only this one minor bump in the road.

In case anyone is wondering Princess Fairheart is now in her special shoes!!!! We got them three weeks ago this coming Monday. We only needed on minor adjustment made to them and so far no more problems. IT has been awkward to nurse with this bar that turns her legs into an A frame when she lies on her side. But I just snap the bar off during our nursing time. We are still co-sleeping but the last few nights have been tough. My hips are a little bruised from her kicking her legs. She slept half the night 2 nights ago in her own bed (right next to mine) because I needed some rest and could not get it due to her kicking me with those awful shoes. Her surgery seems to have gone well but her stitches have still not desolved...hmmm...I need to remember to ask to doc on Monday about that. Bigoo likes to grab her bar when she is in the swing and pull her to make her go faster.....he is a little turd that I can not take my eyes off for one moment.

So, there you all go that is my little update. I am back to the world of blogging and my how I have missed it.

I am back! Well sort of.....my company has gone home..taking #1son with them, Weewee is at her Grammie's and Bigoo and Princess Fairheart are here with me. I have had an EXTREMELY busy couple of weeks. I am so tired out that I am not sure when I will be back to normal. I think maybe too many people being around has made me want to be all alone. But I know my readers are wondering if I am alive. I am barely. I have so much I need to write but am overwhelmed at the thought. The stress is getting to me now too because the baby doesn't seem to be getting enough milk from nursing. I cried for half an hour last night when I went ahead and made her a bottle of formula. Darn it I really want to nurse her for longer but for some reason my milk supply seems to be dwindling. Dh and I are arguing a lot. Stress is too much some days. Could it be the baby blues? Or something else. Maybe it is that I am 31 now and feel trapped in this crazy life. I almost feel guilty writing that down. But I just need to let it out or I might explode. I feel like I am not very good at being a mom. I wish I was more patient and kind and easy going. Right now I am none of those things. Hopefully in a few days after I get back in my regular routine....

On a positive note, we had an awesome visit with my parents and sisters. It was crazy having 4 extra people in my house for 2 and 1/2 weeks. But it was so nice for them to be here with the kids.

Anyway I will be trying to post again soon.

Sorry this is not the happiest of posts.

Things have finally calmed down a bit. The kids are tucked in bed and sleeping! YEAH! I am getting sleepy but trying to enjoy the stress free quiet. I think I may pick up that book again and read till I fall asleep.
It will probably take a week or two to get used to DH being on night shift. I am used to having to be really really quiet after 9pm so he can get some sleep. Oh what will I do with my nights free now. Probably sleep but I envision tons of time to read and surf the web and blog with out much interruption.
Tonight however I am calling it a night early.

My house is crazy tonight. My kids are playing some game they made up. The baby is protesting to being in her swing. My DH started on night shift (4pm-2:30am) today! I thought it would be quiet this evening and here I sit with all this chaos and count the minutes until I can put them to bed. Is that bad?
#1Son and Weewee are pretending to do karate on each other. A few minutes ago #1Son was being the "green goblin" from Spiderman. Now he is wearing a decorative pin of mine (from my days in a professional office). They raided my jewelry box. They are pretending the pin is a badge. A badge for what they won't say. BB is running around between the the swing where the baby is fussing and the couch where he is trying to now wrestle with the other two. Pulling his diaper off along the way. I am trying to ignore all this craziness so that I do not lose my mind.
I should be cleaning my house. My parents will be here tomorrow (I think). But here I am blogging again. I like blogging. I like to read the book I set aside last night as well. I am consumed by the new book I am reading. It is called Outlander by Dianna Gabaldon (sp?). Apparently it is a series of books (6 I think) I started out reading the final book A Breath of Snow and Ashes (not knowing it was part of a series) and had to put it aside to read the series from the beginning. Now I have yet another thing pulling at me to get done. OK OK so it is a fun thing an escape of sorts. I wish I could get to everything everyday.

OK I just had to put a stop to the madness. I thought if I sat here and typed and let them play that they might get it out of their system.....boy was I wrong. They just got louder and louder as if trying to compete to see who could make my head hurt the worst. Well, I yelled at them to stop! I mean seriously there is only so much unnecessary noise that one can endure a day. I usually reach that limit by 9 am but today I was feeling generous.

Why is that if you have an enormous playroom for your children to play in, stocked with a wide variety of toys and entertainment options, that your children will opt to be right under your feet until you want to have a break down?
If I send them to the playroom, they want to be outside. If I send them outside they want to be in the house. Am I missing something? Or is this just and evil plot to make me crazy. Don't get me wrong I love my kids more than life but come on........how crazy does it have to get?

Oh well I am determined to still have a good night with them. Maybe we will watch a movie together. Of course they can't have any snacks because they refused to eat all of their dinner tonight........Oh my...well I will try a movie but that will probably be a fight too......Oh well not too long and I can say my favorite words "Night night time guys" :)

Why is it that as a mom my day never seems to go as planned? I planned on being home all day today and cleaning and relaxing with out having to drag 4 kids around with me. But then Sear's called and said our dehumidifier is done being repaired and now I have to go into Wilmington, yet again! I could wait until Monday to pick it up by my DH is chomping at the bit to get it back in the basement. Our basement is very damp and is starting to cause us insect problems. UGH!!! I just wanted to be at home. Oh well, such is life, I guess.

Our visit with Aunt Carrie and Nannie Pants was wonderful (as usual). The kids are so funny together. Nannie Pants always has a hard time falling asleep at night when she is visiting, but last night went a lot better (for Carrie at least). Because Uncle C (my DH) had the "daddy" talk with her. You know the guy with the deep voice and scary 6' 3" frame can make anyone go to bed...lol Nannie Pants loves to manipulate her mommy. Don't all 3 year olds?!??!? Princess Grumpiness and Nannie pants took a bath last night and I wish I had thought to snap a few "blackmail" pictures of them, for when they are older. LOL they were way to cute. The whole bathroom got soaked but it was worth it for them to have a good time. After their bath Nannie Pants came into the living room and declared "we have jammies and panties on!" as she was lifting her night gown to show us all. Nannie Pants informed us that she LOVES #1Son, LOVES HIM, LOVES HIM!! When Carrie asked her if she loves Princess Grumpiness her answer was "I LOVE PG but she is grumpy!!" She still has a hard time with BB. We all think she still doesn't like that he came in and stole her babyhood last summer. Jealousy is a wicked wicked thing you know. She still refuses to give him any love. And he loves her so much. I think she will grow out of it though.
Another funny conversation with Nannie Pants went something like this: "Aunt J why does the baby eat from your boobie?" "Well sweetie, when you are a mommy you get milk in you boobies to feed your baby. Your Mommy fed you like that too when you were a tiny baby." "Yeah I know" "So are you a milker feeder baby?" I said "well, yes something like that?" She was satisfied with that answer. It is so funny how kids word things. Later on she was telling my kids that their Mommy is a milker feeder baby.
Aunt Carrie and Nannie Pants just got home from vacation. They brought us some pictures when my kids saw the picture of Nannie Pants with Mickey Mouse, #1Son was excited and wanted to know when we would be going to see Mickey Mouse. I told him that Nannie Pants got to see Mickey because her Mommom and Poppop live right near Mickey. You should have seen how big his eyes got. He thought that was awesome to have Grandparents that lived near Disney. We are hoping to be able to take the kids to Disney in a year or so.

So, we had a great visit with them. It so nice to have these times with our family.

Speaking of family, my parents will be here soon! It has been almost a year since they seen the kids (in person). They will be here for the 4th of July. We will probably spend it down in Delaware with Carrie's family. I am so excited! I have missed my mom, dad, and sisters. My kids are going to love spending time with their Aunts. The girls are always so good with my kids. I am waiting to hear from Mom as to what day they will be arriving. They are visiting family in Michigan right now and then I think sometime in the next day or two they will be heading our way.

Anyway, this is the most blogging I have gotten done recently....I better run now.

Before I go though would you all pray for my friend Paula. Her MIL is suffering with cancer and has been given only days to live. Paula is devastated because her MIL lives with her and they are very close. So, please keep her in your prayers as she goes through this terrible time of loss in her family.

Princess Fairheart's surgery went awesome. The procedure was quick and went perfectly. And she had no trouble at all with waking up from the anestisia. I am super worn out, from all the trips to Wilimington and running around this week. So today we are staying at home. Aunt Carrie and Nannie Pants are coming up to spend the night and play with the kids. They have been gone on vacation for a little while and we have missed them a bunch! My parents will be coming for a visit next week. I am not sure exactly when they will be here but I know the kids will be so excited when they do get here.

I have to get off this electronic addiction before my company arrives and they see how I really live......the house is trashed and the kids are still in their PJs. At least the baby is fed....but we are coming up on lunch time and well you guessed it I have no idea what I am going to feed them. I really need a kick in the pants to get me started. Or just a nanny and maid combo....that would be so nice, but since that is not my reality...I gotta go.

Well, Princess Fairheart and I are off today for her surgery. We will be staying overnight tonight at the hospital just as a precaution. Since she is so little and will be under general anesthesia. Please say a prayer for us. I promise a full update tomorrow afternoon when we get back home.

Today is a new day...

I woke up refreshed and in a pretty decent mood. That was shattered for a brief moment when Princess Grumpiness decided to greet me with her usual whining "caaaaaaannnnnn yoooooouuuu tuuuurrrnnn on cartooooooooooooooooons mommyyyyyyyyyyy, I can't do itttttttttt" Ugh!!!
Oh well I can not let that ruin my day. I am much more optimistic today about BG's foot! I have peace that I will know what decsion to make at the appropriate times.

I have so much to do today. Just like every other day. There is the housework that may or may not get accomplished. When did I go from super organized to totally messy? Hmmm that had to be an evolution of mommyhood. Oh to ponder the evolution of mommyhood...there is not enough time in my day to do that.

Here is an ephany I had recently, I want to live on a farm. Ok if you know me well then you must be thinking "that girl has lost her mind!!!!". Nope it's not lost, maybe dazed and confused but not lost. It's just that we have so many kids now (not to mention our pets) and it is so expensive to feed them all. I want to grow our own veggies and possibily a cow, chickens, goats (to cut the lawn hehehe) and maybe even a horse or two. I know this is down the road for us but it would be wonderful to have a few acres (10-20) to raise our children on. THis has been DH's dream for years and now I have finally caught the bug as well. So this is my new gaol/prayer.

OK seriously now I have to start my house work before there is a revolt and my family moves out.....hmmmmm......now there is a thought......nope it won't work.

Oh how ADHD am I today? I can not stay focused.....

I am so tired. This has been a rough couple of days for me. Yesterday BG's Dr called and wanted to change her surgery date from July 18th to this coming Wednesday!!! It was a blur talking to them and getting the appointments set up. This past monday she got a new cast and has been very unhappy since. I am starting to have concerns about the treatment she is getting. I have started to research the treatments that are availabel for clubbed feet. That is overwhelming. I out every 1000 babies is born with clubbed feet yet, there are very few doctors out there that know how to treat them. I thought the because we had a good referral from our pediatrician, that we would be getting the best treatment possible. I found out tonight, through a support group that I joined, that the Dr BG sees has a bad rep for actually making clubbed feet worse! Of course after reading through about 100 pages of complaints, I relized that really only 2 people ever posted anything bad about Dr. Jay. Maybe they just had a louder voice than anyone else. Anyway, I am trying to formulate a plan so that I can be sure she is getting the best treatment possible.
This is all so exhausting. I still have the other 3 children to take care of and it seems I am at the Dr's every other day with BG. I am starting to become really overwhelmed. DH is not that much help. He cannot understand why I am obsessing about this. I think my mom is getting a little tired of me talking about it too...maybe you all (my handful of readers) are tired of it too......or maybe I am just tired and rambling on and on because it is 1:30 am!
I have to decide before next Wednesday whether or not I am going to let this Dr Jay do surgery or not.
Please pray for me and BG (and the rest of my family) that we will find the direction we need and that I will make the right decisions for her long term health and well being.

I am tired so that is all I can manage to write tonight. I have a lot more to say but my typing is getting bad and my eyes are heavy....so good night all.

Yesterday

Was the hardest day yet, with BG's casts. She had another one put on this is the first time she cried so much. Usually she cries a lot while they are casting her but she gets over it rather quickly. Not yesterday! She ended up crying her self to exhaustion at least 3 times. She was so upset it was hard for her to nurse (couldn't latch on because of being upset) which made her more upset b/c she was hungry. I had to go down MIL's house to pick up the kids and I ended up coming home after only about an hour. I had planned on staying and helping her with a home improvement project. But that was impossible. I called BG's doc twice because she was so upset. And seemed to be in pain. They said if she is not adjusted to the cast by today then they wanted her to come back in. She is still fussy today but not as bad. I know this might sound bad but I am too tired to take her all the way down there. The hospital is an hour away.
I am having a hard time these days with #1Son and his attitude. I am wondering if he is going to make it to his next birthday. I swear some days he is like 4 going on 24! He thinks he can boss anyone (including me) and he is talking ugly to his sister all the time. They both fight about EVERYTHING! Some days it makes me want to pull my hair out! I mean I never thought that being a mom would mean I would be refereeing all day. I watched a show the other day (Supernanny) and I am trying to remember to be more consistent and also I got a time out chair and now am trying that approach. It seems to work so far. It is just exhausting. Each of my kids is at just a enough of a different developmental stage that it is a little crazy. The only one I have a hard time with (as far as not knowing what to expect) is my oldest because I have never been a mom to a four and 1/2 year old before. The others at least I have some experiences in their age range.
Hubby and I have made our peace and are doing better again...for today anyways. I wish I had something funny to say today but as sleep deprived as I am there is not too much I can say.
Maybe later on......

A better day

Today was a much better day for me. I woke up early with the kids and we made their Daddy breakfast in bed. And then they gave him his T-shirt. He loved it. He had forgotten that it was father's day...lol...he is so cute. Things are better between us. I woke up today and decided no matter how crazy I feel I am not going to ruin his father's day. We had a couple of moments before lunch but deep breaths and better communication got us through.We took the kids to the park for a picnic lunch. Then we headed down to his mom's house. I am glad he decided to make the trip with us. It turned out to be a great day for us. We left the kids with his mom until tomorrow. BG has an early appointment tomorrow with the orthopedic for a cast change. So I did not want to hassle with all the kids at 5:30am. My MIL is great she loves to have the kids down there. And DH and I really needed a break. So I have another busy day tomorrow. Children's hospital early in the morning and then down to my MIL's house to take DH's grandfather to the VA Hospital for his check up, then back to MIL's house to get my kids, then help MIL rearrange some living space for herself, then home hopefully dinner and maybe get the kids to VBS. I am hoping to be home in time for VBS. The church across from us is having VBS this week. I am hoping that we meet some people and make new friends.
So, I guess I need to get to bed. Well actually nurse the baby and then to bed.

Oh thanks Zann and Sara! Your encouragement made me feel a lot better. Sara you made me laugh out loud. :) I am glad to know that I am not alone.

Good night.....sleep tight

What the heck!?!?

OK so I started the day out feeling pretty good. I was stilling feeling the pride from yesterday's accomplishments. And then it all went down hill from there. So, I am wondering is this funky,blahs, ugliness hormones or something all together different. I am usually such a positive person. At least I thought I was but recently I can find more and more things to complain about. One minute I feel totally fed up. I just want to throw in the towel and say to heck with this crap! Then I get over it and feel great again. Sounds like mood swings huh? The problem is I think most of the things I am upset about are founded. It is not like I am just making them up. Hubby and I have been more than bickering today. I am totally emotionally drained. Same thing happened the other day we had a big fight. Only I don't think I really got over it. So I think today when he started getting on to me about the kids not cleaning up their toys in the yard, I just lost it. It's not like I don't do a million things everyday!!! Seriously I was just so Happy that I cleaned the house. Oh by the way he informed me today that he does not care how messy the house gets he cares more about how the outside looks. OMG!! I was so mad. Half the time I can not even get outside to play with the 2 older ones so how am I supposed to clean up the toys they take out there. He acts like all I do is sit around on my butt and do nothing! I am so tired of fighting about stupid stuff! I mean seriously I am starting to wonder why we are even in this marriage?!?! I know that sounds extreme but I think I might have married a 2 year old. When I came home from the grocery store today (I was only gone about an hour and a half). He needed to go take a nap! He got up 2 hours later than me today and he only had 2 of the kids to take care of for an hour and a half! I was so mad. So I had to take care of 4 kids, nurse the baby, cook dinner, put away all the groceries and all the while he was sleeping. Then he got up long enough to eat dinner. IN his defense he did put dinner away while I rocked the baby. But then again I had not even made myself a plate yet! So I had to dig it all back out when the baby fell asleep. Now, I would not be so upset if he had not went right back to bed! What the heck! Seriously I had to get the other kids ready for bed, feed myself, and all the other stuff that goes with late evening in our home. I am so mad. He is sleeping and I am still going! I don't get the opportunity to sleep whenever I want to! Darn it I don't even get to sleep through the night.
OK so I know it sounds like it is all his fault and Oh how I would love to lead you to believe that but I have to be honest. I have felt like being in a bad mood lately. I am frustrated by things (like money, materialistic things, comparing us to others etc...) that I never let mother me any other time. I am also so moody! What is up with this one minute I am crying the next I am angry and the next I can be the happiest person in the world? It is enough to make a girl feel crazy! I am sure my hubby does not know if he is coming or going these days. I can see him trying to help out more and I try to tell him thank you but then he goes and makes me mad so it seems to him like all his hard work is for nothing. I am wondering if I am the only one that ever feels like this. I am in need of encouragement. I am so lonely these days and so confused. I really hope this is just the baby blues and not something more serious.

OK I am tired of complaining. So I will end this rant for now.

Whew my house is livable again.....

Well my list of things I got done today is longer now...

More laundry done (2 more loads folded waiting to be put away)

Living room cleaned, vacuumed and TV screen and windows cleaned!

Dining room cleaned, swept and mopped.

Kitchen cleaned, swept and mopped.

I am actually going to let you all see some before and after pics.....I am so proud of getting the house back in order! It may not be Tuesday but I sure have tackled it today!!!!!

OK i am a novice at this picture posting thing but i am sure you can figure out the before and after.

My surprise

I needed a pick me up yesterday. My hubby worked really late and did not get home till around 9:30pm with this suprise in tow. I think maybe this is why I feel a lot better today! Just when I think my guy is too much trouble he goes and does the sweetest things! I just wanted to share my joy!

Moody mommy

Well for the last couple of days I have not blogged mostly because I did not have anything nice to say.....I know that is terrible but it was true. I had a bad attitude about everything. Call it the baby blues or just being plain ol' fed up. I don't know but today seems better. I am actually getting somethings accomplished.
So here is my list of things I got done so far:
1. Put away the clean laundry (about 6 loads)
2. Gathered all the dirty clothes up from every room, hamper, under beds etc...(now I have about 6 more loads to do)
3. Sorted laundry
4. Cleaned my bathroom (this was the hardest job so far)
5. Helped Wee wee clean her room
More to come later on....believe me there is way more to get done around here. I am just so glad to be out of my blah mood. Now back to work for me.....

Maybe I will be able to write this post without interruption. The kids are tucked in bed. The baby is fed and Hubby is working in the garage.

Today was so busy. I got up at 5:20 am!! That is way to early for any sane person! But I had so much to do today that I knew I needed a few minutes this morning to get myself ready. So I got up started the coffee, folded some laundry, pack hubby's lunch, got snacks ready for the kids. Set, up the breakfast table, woke the children up and started our day. I was so glad that the kids woke up on the "happy" side of the bed. We took Daddy to work and then came home and ate breakfast and then headed to Children's hospital for Princess Fair Heart's appointments. I was so relieved to see my MIL in the waiting area. She is such a life saver!!! I would have never made it through my day today without her. The kids are always so glad to see Grammy. She makes everything so fun for them. And thank God that the weather cooperated so they were able to play on the playground while I was taking care of the appointments.

So, Princess Fair Heart had an ultra sound on her hip. It turns out she does have some problem with her hip but Dr. Jay wants to wait 3 weeks for another ultrasound before he decides what her treatment will be. We will just have to wait and see on that one. I am relieved that it is not serious enough right now to warrant any intervention. Goodness knows I have enough on my plate as it is. We had to go to the cast room and have a new cast put on today. She really did not like any part of that process. The saw scared her a lot. Then she was relieved to have the old cast off. They cleaned her leg and they we took her to get weighed. Her pediatrician was concerned about her weight since she is nursed and so I asked them to weigh her so I could report that back to the ped so he would relax about me nursing her. Anyway she weighs a whopping 9lbs 9oz!! That is with out the cast! She had her cast off for about 30-45min. So when Dr. Jay had to manipulate her foot she got really upset. She cried so hard that she was turning purple. I hate that part of the whole process. It is so odd to like a doctor so much who tortures your baby! Dr. Jay is great but I hate the my baby has to go through this. After we got a new cast on I had to go schedule her surgery. We are not 100% positive she will need the surgery yet but Dr. Jay wanted to make sure we had a date reserved. We will know for positive in 2 weeks. If she needs surgery it will be done on July 18th. After that I had to go get her paper work started for her special shoes. Apparently it will take our insurance company at least 2 months to approve this medically necessary device! How crazy is that? In a couple of weeks she will have molds made of her feet for these special shoes. She will have to wear the shoes and brace for 23 hours a day until she starts to crawl. Then she will get to wear them only at night. This will go on for no less than 12 months. After that we all went to lunch. The other kids were glad to get to go to McDonald's. My MIL and I got to catch up on things a little while the kids were eating. Then it was back to the hospital for BG's surgical consultation regarding her umbilical hernia. What a relief that appointment was!! No surgery is needed right now! We will go back in 6 months for a recheck. We have instructions on what to watch for. Barring any emergencies she will not need an operation until she is between 3 and 5 years old. But more than likely it will heal it's self before then. Thank God! So all in all we had all good reports today. I am so thankful for that.

We had a few errands to run so no one got a good nap. Naps in the car just don't cut it for my crew. So by the time we got home and had dinner, they were so tired all they were doing is torturing each other. So it was early bed time. And that is where I am headed as well. I still need a little rest during the daytime in order to make it to the news at 11pm....that's not happening tonight.

So good night all and I hope you all had blessed days as well.

Just another day in Paradise

It seems I have spent most of the day in my PJ's playing on the computer and refereeing my children. At some point I will have to get it together and go to the store. But I am procrastinating on that one.

I did finally get my house cleaned yesterday!!! Ok so the bathrooms are still on the list but that's not to bad for a days work. I wanted to post pics because it is so rare that the house looks good. But before I could get to taking a couple of pics my little one destroyed the living room again!! Oh well you will just have to trust me on this one:)



Hubby and I got to go out last night sans children. We did bring squeaky with us only because I am nursing and can not leave her yet. We went to dinner to celebrate our anniversary (it was last week). We went to a nice restaurant in town. It was recommended to us by our neighbor. The funny thing is I have seen this restaurant several times and would have never stopped in because it has a hot dog on the sign so I assumed it was a hot dog place. Well it sort of is but it is also has a great regular menu. We enjoy our grown up time together. Not having to rush through a meal because others need me was such a luxury.

OK gotta run for a awhile it's time to go to the store.....I will finish this when I get back home.

Well my trip to Walmart (which by the way is only 1/4 mile from my drive way) took 3 hours!!! Yes, I said 3 hours! I took Squeaky and #1Son with me. The shopping part only took me a little over an hour. The standing in line and getting rung up took the rest of the time. I was almost finished shopping when an announcement came over the speaker that said "if you have 20 items or less you can be checked out in jewelry or electronics. If you have groceries or produce to be weighed go to lawn and garden none of the front registers are working at this time." Well I was still shopping so I figured they would probably have the problem solved by the time I got in line. Well that did not happen. When I got in line it was backed up from Lawn and Garden all the way to the Pharmacy. As soon as there were 2 others in front of me and it was almost my turn they announced that we could go get in line at the front now. Well I did not want to race anyone to another line so I opted to stay put. When I got to my turn at the register it was broken! The scanner did not scan so they had to manually enter the bar codes for my stuff. Now if I had 20 items or less that would not have been a big deal but I had nearly $200 worth of stuff. So just as the gal was finishing up Squeaky woke up starving, I was starving #1Son was starving and tired. By the time I loaded the van, drove home, got Hubby to help unload, fed Squeaky, fed the other children, it was 9:30 and they still needed baths and bed. Tomorrow morning is going to be awful. We have to get up at 6am to take hubby to work. Come home get breakfast and clothes on. Drive to Wilmington (1 hour 20min) to go to Squeaky's 3 appointments. Hopefully my mother in law will remember and meet me up there or I am so screwed. Because I will have all 4 children at the hospital for most of the day. Squeaky has an appointment at 9, 10:30 and 1:30.
Ugh!! And I still need to feed myself and get every one's clothes out for the morning! Why am I sitting here blogging?!?!? Well it seemed sane when I started.....now I am thinking I got too much to do.
Oh well, if you read this say a prayer for me that I will have peace in my day tomorrow. I am off to gather clothing for my children and myself and then off to bed I need to go. Hopefully I will be rested in the morning.

OK so my happiness last all of 3 hours and then the blahs set in. I tried to clean the house that lasted a few minutes and then Squeaky started squeaking, Biggoo was into everything as usual so I put him down for an early nap. Hubby came home for lunch, talking too loud and woke him up. So Biggoo had a long enough nap to not be tired anymore but still be grumpy and whiny for the rest of the day. Squeaky thought she wanted to nurse but kept falling asleep. As soon as I would put her down she would wake right up. So I resorted to holding her. I talked to Momma on the phone for way to long. So I got more stressed out. It was so hot here today 93 degrees. So my air conditioning could not keep up. Not to mention #1Son decided to turn the main unit off and it took me awhile to figure out why it was so hot in the house.
The best thing was when Daddy came back home from work he brought a brand new slip and slide for the little monsters to play on. They all had a blast for the last 2 hours until dinner. I took a bunch of pictures. Still holding Squeaky.... is this really going to be my life from now on? I can not stand to let her cry because of her hernia. I am afraid it will make it worse. Since the doc said it is growing. I am tired. And sad. Why am I so sad? Maybe it is my hormones. I think Hubby is scared because he is hiding in his garage. This is his m.o. when I am hormonal. I can not wait to have my body back and my mind back. I am not so sure I will ever get my mind back though. Oh well! So much for sanity.
Oh by the way I think I am breaking my own rules, I grounded myself from blogging until my work was finished. Well, work is still not finished but here I am blogging. No wonder my kids never listen to me I am a big push over.
Maybe tomorrow I will get something done. Maybe not we will see.
OK I am rambling on and on.....
so I will go for now....

Good morning all! I hope this morning finds you in good spirits! For some reason I have awakened on the "happy" side of the bed. Maybe that is because I went to sleep with a migraine and woke up with it gone!!! That is always a great thing.

I know today is Friday but I think I am going to call it Tackle it Friday...lol I am going to finally try to finish the chores I started on Tuesday. Where did this week go? I feel like it all got away from me.
My chore list today:
Clean living room
Organize toy room
Laundry
Clean bathrooms

OK maybe I should not aim so high. I will try to get to all of this. I am getting up from this computer and going to clean. I think I am going to take a lesson from Lauren and ground myself from blogging until I get some of my chores done! It is impossible to get anything done when I am lost in cyberspace.

So I will post again much later on....:)