Friday, January 30, 2009

I never knew how to be me

Sitting here tonight surfing the net, aimlessly looking at Myspace and Facebook, I thought to myself I do have a severely neglected blog to tend to. So here I am thinking how long has it been? Too long that is for sure. I decided a long time ago that this blog was my place. My place to be me. My place to find me. So maybe it was with the beginning of this blog that I started out on an unexpected journey. So here I am to update my progress (or lack thereof).
We had a good and busy holiday season this year. December turned into January and January is now turning into February. Where is the time going? Every morning I am caught off guard by another day. It sounds strange I am sure but true. I feel like life is running in hyper drive and I am barely hanging on.
So back to the journey. *Bear with me while I ramble*
I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately. I feel like I need to write them down for a little order and direction.
Does everyone go through periods of self examination and feel like they measure up short?
Knowing that every person has a past full of things better left unsaid, why does my past haunt me so much?
How does a person know how to "be true to yourself"?
What does be true to yourself mean?
Is it good enough to just make it through everyday?
What do I want to be when I grow up?
How come I am unsure of who I am?
Why do some people get all the breaks?
Why do I have such a bad memory?
When will I feel right again?
Did I ever feel "right"?
You see, this is what goes on in my head. I am confused about a lot of things. I have always thought that I would figure things out someday but I am starting to wonder if that is possible. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I love my husband. I am satisfied to be a mom. I am satisfied to be a wife. But beyond that do I have an identity? And if so what is it? People are always telling me to do things for just me. Spend time on you. Do something you like to do. You get the picture. Yet when I sit and think what do I like? I draw a blank. I say well, I like to read. And I do. I like to spend time with friends. I like to do things for people I care about. I like to think I could be a creative genius (if only I could find the one thing I am good at). I realized recently that I have forgotten how to dream. Or maybe I have suppressed that part of me. I don't see a clear vision of the future. Is that because I have had so many disappointments? How will I teach my babies to dream if I can't? I feel an immense amount of (self induced) pressure to figure it all out. I am scared all the time. I feel lost and alone a lot. I know that I am pushing away the ones who love me, yet I can't stop. I want to retreat away from the world. Yet, that is impossible since my kids have to have a life. Do other mom's feel like running away? I tried that once this past summer. It did nothing but compound my problems even more. Instead of resolving anything it just opened a dam. My life is flooded with fear, doubt, sadness, and self loathing. I started counseling a while back. I did not attend any appointments throughout the holidays. Maybe that was a mistake. But I have a great therapist who talked me into coming back. I find it strange that I reveal things to her that I never intend to. I rehearse how I think each appointment will go. I think of what thing I really want to talk about. I play it all out in my head before I ever get there. Then I show up and BAM! I start spilling my guts! What's up with that? Is that a true sign that I want this therapy thing to really work this time? Or sign that I am truly on the edge of a nervous breakdown? Both are true but it is the latter that directs me. In the past few months I have suffered such great pain. A pain like I have never known. The pain is now a familiar friend. It is with me everywhere. My constant companion. I am so disappointed with my life. I am so sad. Never fear though I get up every morning and I put on my big girl pants and I do what I have to. Because I have to. Does that make me strong or stupid? I used to have a deep faith. It was so much a part of me, where did it go? Well, I guess if you get let down enough times you stop believing in anything. I ask myself how could I have been so dedicated to God, serving him in any way I could, and I became lost. How do you get lost? I guess it is like when you were a kid and your mom turned away at a store while you were looking at something. And then she was gone. Panic set in. You knew you were lost! It was hopeless. Yet Mom always found you. How come God hasn't found me? And if God knows everything how come He let so many bad things happen to me? How does a person cope when it seems as though even God doesn't want you. I want to be loved. I want someone to really love me. Yet, I fear it can never happen. How come I am so unlovable? Is it something that I did wrong? I have had two bad marriages. I have 4 kids depending on me to get it right. I do not have a good example from my parents. Where do I learn to get it right? Where are the answers? I am desperate to know. I am desperate to feel better. I am desperate to be loved.
I could write for hours about all the terrible things I have experienced but those are things I want to keep to myself. I need help in this journey. I need guidance. And I need my husband to be my friend. I need him to listen (by listen I also mean care) to me. I need him to understand (really understand in his heart and soul) how devastated I truly am. I am a true and honest mess. Everyone always told me that if I buried my issues they would come back out. Guess what, they were right. Except I never imagined that everything would surface at once. I never knew that I could be this messed up. I never knew how to be me.