Friday, May 30, 2008

This has been such a fun week. Weewee told me on Tuesday that she is so happy to have our family "be one big family again!" Daddy being on day shift has been wonderful for us! There is so much more family time now. Our life is getting back into a good routine. I am amazed by the difference after just one week. DH has been helping around the house and in the garden. It is taking a lot of stress off of me. Even today when I am not in the best of moods. I know things are getting better.

Little lessons:

Changing children's bedrooms around is almost too much work for one Mommy. But well worth it for a little more organization.

Children each have their own little quirks. You have to take the good with the bad and keep on smiling.

Two year olds who are potty training love to get naked randomly through out the day. Watch out for peepee pull ups randomly hidden in the house.

Cats love to drink from a freshly cleaned toilet bowl! What is up with that.

9 puppies, 1 dog, 1 cat, 4 children, 1 cousin, and 1 husband makes it really hard to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

Until next time...

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

One day at a time...

After the busiest weekend (so far) I am spending the first day of DH's new day shift sitting here being way too lazy!!

This weekend we had so much fun. NO DRAMA! Lots of activities and I even managed to get most of my children spend one night away with Grammy!

DH came home Thursday night to inform me that he was going to day shift starting Tuesday!! Hooray! We have been waiting so long to have our life back! He has been trying to get on day shift for about 3 months now and finally his company transferred him! So our routine will be back up and running and our life might get back to normal. We do so much better when he works days. I don't feel so alone in raising our children . We all get to enjoy more of his awake time and all he has to sacrifice is a few cents on hour in his pay grade. It is really a win win situation!

Knowing that he was moving to day shift made our weekend so much more fun. DH did not feel like he had to get as much sleep as possible over the weekend. So he was available to do a bunch of things have been on his "Honey do List". YAY! We got our yard looking much better. The only thing to make it better will be when we actually get to put in grass in the front yard. Yes, we have a dirt pit out there. Last year the reality company had 5 trees removed from the front yard because their 50 year old roots had penetrated the sewer system. The city would not replace the sewer lines until the trees were gone. And the contractor left a huge mess behind! We have mostly dirt and mulch in the yard right now. Being the perfectionist that he is, DH wants to re level the front yard and drop a dump truck full of topsoil out there before we plant grass. Right now the weeds are starting to take over but who cares since all that will change as soon as we get going on the restoration of our yard.

We spent a good part of Friday a Saturday working outside. Saturday I took the older kids down to their Grammy's house (she is leaving for an extended trip to California today) because the kids wanted to spend time with her before she goes away. It was so nice to clean the house on Sunday because there was no one to go behind me all day and mess it back up! I only got 3/4 of the way done with all I had to do but it was still worth it! I am hoping that while DH is on days my cleaning routine will get back in shape.
On Sunday we went to a BBQ at Grammy's house. Miracle that it was! We had such a great time. It was so nice to have a family gathering where there was no drama! We don't often get to do that with DH's Mom's side of the family. It was refreshing and gave me hope that we can build a nicer future with them. We came home kind of late on Sunday but that just meant the kids slept in on Monday morning. Which was good because I have been so sleepy lately. We got up on Monday and I decided that since it was a holiday and it was so pretty outside I would let the kids fill up their little pool and play in the water. My children had the greatest time playing outside ALL day long. In the early afternoon we headed across the street to Unkie D's and Auntie S's house for a block party. OK, so it was not the whole block that got invited (only the people we really like being around). The kids all had a great time. Auntie S had prizes for them. There were supposed to be games but what can I say I was a slacker so we just gave them the toys she bought and turned them loose in the yard. They had their pool, 100 water balloons, squirt guns, pogo sticks, balls, jacks, bubbles, noisy whistles, little gross things that either crawl down walls or grew in water!! It was so much fun. WE had great food, good drinks and awesome company! We decided that we have to have a lot of cookouts this summer.

Yesterday was the HOTTEST day of the year! I got cooked alive. How is it that I always remember to put tons of sunscreen on my kids and all the neighborhood kids but never on myself! I am baked and not in the good way ;) Since it was so hot during the day (and we don't have any air conditioning) it was sweltering in my house last night. I don't think I ever got cooled off. I woke up this morning thinking seriously we could use a little cool down. SO it is overcast today but very humid and not helping the house feel cooler. I am steady praying for a cool breeze.

On another note pray for DH he is applying for a job in Germany. We are really hoping he gets it. We would love to take the kids over there for a couple of years while they are still little. It is a great opportunity. When we come back (if we get to go) we will be able to buy a house and make such a better life for our family. His best friend has been there for about 3 years already and we would love to see him again. I don't want to get too excited about it but Justin just told us today that they are officially hiring for Germany and so we have submitted DH's resume for consideration!

OK so before the children destroy the entire house again I have to run for now....

Until next time...

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

What am I flypaper for freaks?

My life has been filled with drama as usual. I am wondering today why I attract people who have so many problems. And how do their problems always end up influencing my life. I have a friend who I had to take to a detox facility two nights ago. I am the kind of person who always makes it very clear to people that I am a very conservative, honest value based person. Yet, it seems like lately the people in my life want to share their deep dark secrets with me. People should realize that I can not and will not keep a dangerous secret! So, don't tell me you have problem with drugs if you don't want me to help you get out of that situation! One of my really good friends confided in me that she had a problem with prescription drugs. It took me a whole week to see how bad the problem really was! I think she probably let me know because deep down she knew I would require more of her than anyone else has. I am glad I am her friend and I am glad that I was here to help her. She is in detox right now. And she will probably have to go on to a long term rehab program. I am proud of her for being so brave! She has lost somethings that are very dear to her. She lost her fiance'. She is on her way to losing her child. Not to mention her job and life style. All because she had an accident two years ago and a doctor prescribed pain killers. She got hooked. It is so amazing to me that something so simple has stolen her life. She is addicted to pain killers. She has turned into a person that even she does not recognize. It is so sad. Yet at the same time now that she realizes ha=ow badly it has effected her life she really wants help. I am proud of her for that. I am glad I am her friend. I am torn about lost about how to help someone who is in trouble like this. I know honesty is the best policy so I try to always be truthful with her no matter how much it might hurt her feelings. Finding a balance between helping someone and letting their problems consume them is a hard thing to do.
I don't know why I am even posting this topic. Maybe it is because I know this kind of problem is becoming an epidemic in our country. Good people go to doctors for help and become drug addicts! It is such an awful thing to go through. I wish there was more I could do to help her. I pray for her and I am here to support her.

I told my husband the other day that it breaks my heart to get close to people anymore. Because it seems like every time I get a good friend she turns out to have more problems than I can handle. Is that selfish of me? I wonder. Really I think more than anything maybe people seek me out for my honesty. Maybe just maybe God leads them into my life so that I will use the gifts He gave me to help people. It amazes me that I am not an addict and I have been really sheltered from the lifestyle, yet more people have walked into my life in the past couple of years that have a drug problem than I could have ever imagined. I wonder if this is what I am supposed to do with my people get into recovery. I guess I will just continue to make myself available and see what happens.

On another note. I have only my kids at home this week. It feels so weird! I am loving spending time with just my babies. We are having lots of time to snuggle, play, work on our learning and just plain have a good time.

Little lessons:

1. Two year olds will bargain with you (if you let them) BB goes to timeout and he begs and begs and begs to be let out. " I gon baheve myself" (whiny voice) " I be niiiiiiiccce I pwmise" And then we cut to a broken hearted crying spell when I do not immediately let him out of being punished.

2. Puppies are pretty resilient little buggers. Again, BB does not understand how to handle a puppy. So we don't let him just go in there and pick them up. But in the past two days he keeps sneaking into the puppy box and picking them up. But whenever their little puppy claws scratch him he throws the pup down or shakes it. To my horror! So he has spent way too much time in time out begging to be let back out.

3. Puppies are too cute but I sure wish they would all get sold!

4. Buying a 5lb bag of pistachios at Costco is a great deal unless your children decided to help themselves to several servings and leave the shells lying everywhere. One year olds love to choke on anything and I do mean anything that they can put in their mouths! So pistachio shells are a huge problem!

5. I have learned that if it is rainy and overcast outside...give it house work will get done. No one will get along for more than 5 minutes at a time. And kids need to play outside everyday to burn off enough energy to sleep well.

6. A good bedtime routine does wonders for children! Every night we sing a song together. I stole it from one of my favorite books. It goes like this " I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I am living, my baby you'll be" My kids have taken to singing it back to me. They change the words to say "as long as I am living my mommy you'll be" It makes me teary eyed every time.

So that is a brief glimpse into our world...

Till next time...

Monday, May 19, 2008

Birthday Party

I am the first to admit that I am severly lacking when it comes to giving my children birthday parties. I personally wish we did not have to indulge in this tradition. Not because I am a scrooge. But because I am a procrastinator by nature and it seems like birthdays just sneak up on me and before you know it they are a year older and a party short. So this year I sent out invitations via text message or phone call and one email. Yes I am definately part of the information generation because it never even occurred to me to buy invitations and send them out. Not only that but I called people on Wednesday to come to a party on Sunday. Yeah giving notice is not my strong suit either. So...with that said I pulled off a decent party. All the kids had fun! I got to hang out with people I love and care about and my daughter got to have a 1st Birthday party (which she will not remember). Unlike her big brother who has yet to have a party for his birthday and he is two and a half! I know I am a bad mother!!! Oh well, I think I am going to give him a big "UNBirthday" Party this summer. Wish me luck with that one!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Check out my new post here it's been awhile!

Princess Fairheart turns 1 year old today!

I can not believe that one year ago today I checked into Brandywine Hospital and became a Mommy for the fourth time! Looking back I was so nervous that they would not induce my labor, because I had had the flu and was still feeling quite puny. But I checked in at 6:30 am and by 9:30 am my beautiful daughter had entered the world and changed our lives forever. This daughter of mine is the sunshine that wakes me in the morning! She is an utter joy to all. She is so smart and funny and individual. She is the baby and she knows it. I am glad she is a snuggly person. She loves to rock and sing and spend time being loved. She is not in a hurry to get anything done. She does everything at her own pace. And that is ok because she is so pleasant.
One year ago today I met this wonderful girl for the first time face to face. I knew then that she was amazing! She has taught me that even when life is stacked against you, it is all about the way you approach things. She has not complained once about having to sleep with bars on her shoes. She has never even acted like it bothers her...maybe because she doesn't know any better. But some Mom's with children who have clubbed feet say that their children hate the shoes. My baby never seems to notice.
She is fearless! Just look at this pic to see that. She is the first one of my children to climb out of a high chair. She is always climbing on something, beds, couches, chairs, toy boxes etc... She thinks she is big enough to play with the older children already and she gets mad when they don't include her. How dare them! She only has two teeth so far and she HATES baby food....won't eat it...acts like you are trying to kill her if you try to feed it to her...will only eat food from the table that looks like what everyone else is eating! She is definitely her own person.

It is kind of sad for me. Because I know she is my last baby. So that means I will never nurse another, never feel another kick me from inside, never get to live through the first year and all the amazing firsts of my own baby again. I have tried to cherish every moment, knowing they are all fleeting and I can never get them back. I already miss that new baby smell, the softness of their skin, the quietness of their days, the enjoyment of just watching them sleep. The closeness only a mom can feel when the baby is at your breast and your life is flowing into them and sustaining their needs.

I will miss babyhood! But I know we are on to more exciting things! Next up is taking those first steps and tomorrow she will be walking down the aisle and pledging her life to some one else. It happens just that fast!

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY Princess Fairheart! You are dearly loved and truly cherished! Try to stay my baby for a little longer, please!

Monday, May 12, 2008

Mother's Day was so blessed! Well, I had a second thought before emerging from the bed. I could hear Weewee and BB arguing as soon as I woke up. But DH jumped out of bed and took over. I could hear him letting them have it for waking Mommy up on MOTHER'S DAY by fighting. Immediately they both came into my room, climbed up on my bed, and hugged me (repeatedly) and wished me a Happy Mothers day. Weewee brought me a stick from the yard that she and her friend had painted with nail polish and whiteout. I am still trying figure out when they did it? What the stick is for? And whether or not I was enthusiastic enough about it or not?!?! My kids were so sweet! My husband extra loving and I was reminded how much they really do love me. We spent the day with Auntie S, Unkie D, Her Mom (my kids call her Mom Mom) and their daughter (who is not yet a mommy herself). We had great food, good times and the best part was I did not have to cook all day long!!!! YAY!!!!

I am blessed woman an no matter what is wrong with my body I am loved! What a nice thing to know! I am thankful now more than ever for every minute (Yes, even when it snows Fruity Pebbles in the diningroom) fo my wonderful life!

I may need to be reminded now and again but I am a happy mom.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

So today I have spent WAY too much time playing in cyberspace! I am not one to just sit here in front of the computer all day long. BUT my feet hurt, my joints ache, it's overcast today (again), and I just feel lazy! It's my day off. Finally, I have only my own children at home. It is relatively quiet (BB is napping), #1son outside finding things to interest his mind, Weewee is going back and forth between outside and watching TV, and Princess FH is singing a little song to herself while picking up a variety of toys to play with for 30 seconds at a time. DH slept in and is in a great mood. How blissful to just spend a Saturday at home with no expectations.

Is two cups of coffee, a slice of cheese and a nibble of taco good nutrition? Probably not. I have been doing weight watchers for three weeks now (well almost three weeks). I have lost 4.8 lbs. Not as much as I thought I would lose but still something. I have been doing really well on it. Until 2 days ago, when my dinner was probably enough points to equal a whole day!! Then I snacked too much yesterday! So, I better get my butt in gear over the weekend or I will have gained my 4.8 back! UGH!!!

I wish I had a magic wand. I would do great things with it! I promise ;) First I would wave it over myself and give myself back my 17 year old body! Then I would use it to clean my house and declutter everything. Next I would wave it over my 2001 Dodge Caravan and magically it would update to the most recent version of the Caravan with all the bells and whistles! After that I would wave it over my children so that they would become the most well mannered, clean, respectful and kind people. DH would get a wave to. He would lose his ADHD and become a most productive person who can concentrate. If I am not too tired after all that work I would start "fixing" the world!

It's a nice dream, huh? Oh well, guess I will just have to be content with what I have!

Little lessons:

All owies (booboos, ouchies) must have a bandaid! No matter that there is no blood, no broken skin, no visible sign of injury! A bandaid has magical powers to stop the crying and fix the owie. We went through 3 boxes of bandaids this week!

$20 dollars in gas will no longer give me more than an quarter of a tank of gas. An quarter of a tank of gas will get me to Grammy's house and half way back! Better find things to do at home or with in walking distance.

Going for a kindergarten physical with a 5 (and a half) year old boy is a grand adventure! #1son and I had a great time just spending time together yesterday.

If you really listen to the imaginative play of above mentioned 5 year old, you will be amazed at the hysterical things he thinks of. Like his pediatrician's name is Dr. Kuhn (koon) but #1son could only figure out how to call him Dr. Cocoon! And he sat in the exam room waiting and waiting and waiting some more for the doc to come in. So finally after about 20 minutes #1son started loudly calling out "Dr Cocoon! Dr Cocoon! We are in here! In case you forgot! Are you coming Dr Cocoon?" I quietly told him (several times) that the Doc's name is Kuhn! And to please stop calling for him he will be in as soon as possible. That did not deter my son from his antics. So for more than 30 minutes we waited and he had a loud conversation (intending to bring the doc in sooner) with the four walls of that exam room.

#1son is apparently healthy, developmentally sound and ready for kindergarten. Now to just get him to understand that he can not start classes until the fall.

Until next time...

Thursday, May 8, 2008

So I went to the doctor yesterday. It went well. I have to say that it took me at least four hours after I got home to actually process what the doc had told me. I was so excstatic to hear that he does not think I have breast cancer, that I did not realize that he is concerned about skin cancer! And Rheumatoid arthritis or possibly Lyme's disease! I have to go for blood work and to a dermatologist. So now begins (what I am sure will be a drawn out process) of determining what if anything is wrong with me. I also have a severe flair up of tendinitis in my wrist and hand. So I need to ice it down for 60 minutes at a time several times a day and wear a splint! I am wondering did the doc even register the knowledge that I have four kids!?!? When am I supposed to sit still and ice down my wrist? Well, I guess I will try to fit that in too.

I am not nearly as frustrated with life as I was the other day. Which is a good thing! I have decided to give up my home based business. Much to the disappointment of my up line. I spent most of yesterday being lectured and coerced into making a different decision. I really don't understand some people. They call you friend as long as you are doing what they think you should but as soon as you make a decision to do what is right for you and your family you are not who they thought you were?!?!? OH WELL!! I have to spend this time taking care of my real and tangible responsibilities. I think this is just not the right time in my life to pursue a home based business. Yes, I would love to make the kind of money that they promised I would. But the time you have to put into something like this is WAY more than I can handle right now. I personally feel so much less stress now than I did two days ago. Mostly because I am not putting pressure on myself to meet goals for my business.

On the home front. I am so glad I decided not to give up on watching the two girls that I keep. I really weighed out the decision pros/cons the whole nine yards. And yes there are a lot of pros and cons but in the end it came down to my "why" was huge. I love these two little girls and it gives my kids some one else to play with. Is it more work? Yes of course it is. Do I feel overwhelmed daily? Yes I do! But at the end of the day I can tell myself that I have done something worth while. Something that will last a lifetime. I have invested in the 6 greatest kids on earth! (yep I am a little biased on that opinion)

So, now I have to learn to pick myself up by the boot straps and move forward. I can not let myself wallow in self pity. I am sure there will be days that are hard. But I also know that in order to live a happy and full life I have to tell myself I have a happy and full life. I really really do not want to miss out on my kids because I am too busy feeling sorry for myself to notice them. So from here on out (it might take me a while to build the habit) I am going to focus on the little lesson we learn everyday and the positive things our family is doing.

So our little lessons today (so far):

1. Leaving a 2 year old, one years old, and two 4 year olds alone in a playroom with a box of two week old puppies is a sure recipe for disaster! Inevitably someone will not be able to resist the charms of cute little puppies (who just opened their eyes yesterday)! In the span of 4 minutes a 2 year old squeezed a puppy, a four year old hit a puppy, and the one year old got in the box with the puppies! When asked the four year old said she hit the puppy because she was pretending to be a baby! OY VEY!

2. Leaving a "big girl" cup on the edge of the table is way to tempting to a one year old. Who took a shower in juice when she tried to pull it off the table.

3. This one was yesterday but worth mentioning. Daddys should never ever let little ones help trim trees. And then leave for work with out putting away all the tree trimming clippers! Yes, that's right my DH smart man that he is. Let #1son and Weewee "help" him trim some trees and bushes in our yard. When he left for work they decided (despite the very clear instructions he left with them to NOT touch any clippers or shears) to help him cut down trees. Thank God for little tattletale cousins who told on them. Or I would have never known until we were visiting our local children's hospital ER (yet again).

Happy milestones:

We are currently bribing BB with anything we think will work to get him potty trained. Currently the bribe is not only will he get stickers but he will get to go for a walk with his beloved Auntie S (that stands for SAINT). Although night before last he told Auntie S that if she peepeed and poopied on the potty all day he would take her for a walk. She informed him that she ALWAYS uses the potty. BB thought for a moment and he said then Unkie D has to use the potty. She laughed and told him that Unkie D always uses the potty. BB says no he doesn't and he can't go for a walk till he does. It was hysterical. BB is stuck between really wanting to be a big boy and really wanting to stay my baby.

#1son goes for his Kindergarten physical tomorrow! Hooray!! He is so so excited about it! He wants to go to school so badly. Unfortunately he doesn't quite get it that school will not start until after the summer. :)

Until next time...

Monday, May 5, 2008

***** warning totally venting and feeling sorry for myself*******

Slowly but surely I am trying to get back into blogging. Wish I was a happier camper these days. Maybe I should write what is on my heart and mind and then go visit every one's blog...since I feel even sadder now. Which is weird because no one had any sad posts. I am beginning to wonder how long a postpartum depression can last? I have good days. Actually I even have REALLY good days. But for the past four days I have found very little to smile about. I try to tell myself that it is just a stage but it seems to be lasting a long time. Do you ever wonder if your whole life is just a big joke? I am wondering about lots of things lately. Is this a mid life crisis or maybe the beginning of one? I look at the lives of the people all around me and I think to myself; "My what fun they seem to be having" and the giant green monster starts to grow. I even asked DH the other day if he thought maybe his cousin could be right, that in a past life (which I do not even believe in) I must have been a really rotten person and this is my chance to get it right. I think about the theory of karma and wonder how mine could be so awful. Seriously! How did I find myself as the mother of 4? Wife to a crazy man? Daughter to a crazy lady? An extended family FULL of dysfunction? I was always the good girl. Always the one who did what was expected of me. Followed the rules. You know the stereotypical good girl! So what went wrong? What am I missing? I am so very overwhelmed in my life. I am so tired of trying to get it right and never making any progress. I know I must be getting somethings right since my kids have pretty good manners (I guess that is a rare thing in this part of the country). They behave decently in public. They all mostly sleep well. And they are all smart. Not sure I could really mess them up if I tried because they are so wonderful to begin with! But even though I know that, I am completely overwhelmed with fear and worry. I spend so much time wondering if one day they will tell me how I have ruined their life. Or did not love them well enough. I know all parents worry about how their kids will turn out. But to me I feel like this is kind of an extreme fear that I have. I have so many fears. Daily they seem to be affirmed lately.
I think one thing that has me down the most is that DH and I took these stupid personality tests online, over the weekend. I say they are stupid because even though the descriptions fit us to a tee! It showed that (from my perspective) there is no hope for us! We are listed as each others "enigma" a complete mystery to each other. While DH thinks this is great because he will always try to figure me out and there will always be mystery. I see it as a death sentence! Like someone has written it down that NOTHING will ever change and I am wasting my time. How can two people have such very very different views of the same thing? What is wrong with me that I am becoming such a negative person? I feel like my faith has diminished. My positivity is gone. My sadness is ruling everything. How did this happen? When does the fear go away? Who will I become after these trials and how hard will it get before it is over. I have never felt more out of control. I have never had more random things to worry about. And I have never been in a situation where I just don't have anyone to talk to. DH can not understand emotions. What is with men? Why can they not understand that women have emotions? Or is it that mine are just to raw these days. It seems like all of my friends have gotten too busy to be there for me. How is it that I can drop EVERYTHING at a moments notice if someone I love is in need. Yet when I stand here and scream for help no one comes to my aid? I think maybe I should give up the babysitting. DH thinks I have gotten myself in too deep. Secretly the rest of the family thinks so too. I really want to give up my business. Not because it is not working but because I can not give it my best.
I am so disappointed in my life. I am so sad that things are going this way. I feel like I am on a ride at the fair and it has run out of control. And everyone else is forced to sit on the sidelines and just watch the destruction.
I wish I did not care so deeply. I wish...
Well I just wish for peace in my whole being! When does the peace come. I am almost afraid to have that peace because I wonder what the price I will be required to pay will be.

OK, now I KNOW I am losing it! I am blogging all my deepest fears and thoughts for the whole world to read! I expect the men with the little white jackets to show up at any moment now.

I apologize for...well you know...I just don't what else to write...

SO until next time....

Friday, May 2, 2008

OK I have tried to post a mesage at least 3 times in the past two weeks! When did my life get too full?

We now have 9 puppies! One dog! 4 children that are biologically mine! One cousin that comes to my house everyday! One little girl who comes a few times a week! A home based business! A HUSBAND! Close friends (cousins) ging through a divorce. A cousin that just moved out this past week. That was seriously WAY more drama than I ever needed! And no extra minutes in the day!

I have so many things on my mind and perfetly good outlet to get them said...yet I never find the wonder my "Calgon" moments are few and far between these days!

I miss my blogger friends! I miss the quiet! How do you find e time to get the quiet times?

OK so the things I am thinking about tonight are:

1. I have doctor appointment next week (May 7th) I am not one to ever go to the doctor (except when I was pregnant). I had to finaly break down and make an appointment though. Mostly because my husband's Aunt (a nurse) has told me to do it! I am extremely worried. I don't usually worry about my own health. Yet here I am. I have to go get checked for breast cancer. Yes, you read right! It is all because I got an email recently from a dear sweet friend who passed along information about a newer for of breat cancer. It starts with a rash on your breast and typically goes undiagnosed until it is too late. I have had a strange rash on my breast for over a year now. I know I know why did I wait???? Well see the list of things above and mayb it will seem (like it has too me) that I have just been too busy! I guess it is really not a good excuse but I really have thought that the rash would just go away. The concerning thing is that the same breast has grown (sinificantly) larger than the other breaast this year. I kept telling myself that it was because I had a baby last year and nursed her. But things have gone on for too long now. I admit I am SCARED! I am 32 years old. I don't have time to be sick! I don't want to even think about what this will mean for my family. I thought I would have my husband's Aunt look at it last week and she would tell me that I had nothing to worry about. Not so! She took one look and said I needed to see the doctor ASAP! UGH!!! So here I am waiting and waiting to see the doc. Since I never go to the doc and I only chose a doc because our insurance required it I am considered a new patient so could not get an appt. ASAP. I have not told my extended family yet...including my mom. Kind of weird that I am posting this but I just don't want my parents to be worried and I also know my Mom would try to come up here and see me and I am not ready for that yet. I think it would be better to just wait and see what comes of this. I know already that I won't get any answers at this first visit. This could drag on for awhile. I think I will have to see a specialist before I actually know anything at all. This is probably one reason I do not want to go to the doctor at all. I hate waiting. I would rather pretend everything is OK and go on with my daily life.

2. I am also wondering what we were thinking breeding our dog. SHe is a great mommy dog and had a great litter of puppies. Now I have to figure out how to sell them, feed them, take them to the vet for shots, not to mention the fact that there are 9 puppies running (well soon to running) around my house with all the 5-6 kids that are here everyday! UGH!!! (again)

3. My DH wants to change careers! AGAIN!!! He wants to go to school. And while in theory I am all for it. I also know that he HAS to stay at this job.

I am remembering a Psychology class I took in college. One lecture in particular that I will NEVER forget was about stress. The prof made us all fill out a questionaire. It was filled with all these questions about major and minor life events. We were asked to answer the questions as honestly as possible. When we had all completed the questionaire, he assinged a points value to each event. We were instructed to tally our points and share the total with the class. I remember I had a score of around 500 points. It was funny because we (as a class) had no idea what the points meant. The points were to gage the level of stress that a person was under. THe prof was completely shocked that my score was around 500 points. I remember he said to me that I should be dead with that level of stress in one year! I laughed because I thought my results must have been quite typical of a college student. Not so! I look back t that time in my life an I am often relieved that I have not had to take that questionaire again. Because now I have REAL stress. Not just 19 year old in college and life is hard kind of stress.

Thinking also about the title of this blog. Sometimes I wonder what the deal is. No one should have to be under the stress I have found in my life. I believe in God! I have always been a good girl. I have always done the things I am asked to do as well as the things that are expected of me. So, then why? Why is the road so long and hard? I am not trying to complain really I am not. I am just curious as to why, that's all. I mean when does enough become enough.

At the same time I am wondering all these things and reflecting on how things are going. I know that everything happens for reason. I really really know that.

So I will keep on going and keep on being responsible and keep on trying to get through each day the best way that I can...

Until next time...