Friday, June 20, 2008


Perspective is reality or at least that is what is seems. Maybe the saying goes your perspective is your reality. In my new found desire to stay positive it is more difficult today than at any other time. Maybe because negativity has become such a habit. r maybe just this once the reality is that I am hurt and feel used. I had a friend or at least someone I was a friend to that has used me and made me question myself and my ability to judge people's character. Some things never change. It seems as though I always find a way to make friends with people who do not hold themselves to the same standard as me. Maybe this is what the Bible truly means about being unequally yoked. I am trying to figure out how so many other people I know are able to see people for what they truly are. Is this because of some internal monitoring system that they are born with? Or is a learned skilled because they too have been hurt enough to recognize flaws in other before they are hurt? I wish with all my heart that I could see these kind of things coming before they catch me off guard. How do you learn something like that? If it is life's experiences that teach you then how come I am so dumb in this area? Is an internal need to be liked? Is it just stupidity? I seem to repeat the same patterns over and over again. I am not saying that ALL my friends have turned out to be users or that all my friends have hurt me. But when it does happen I am always shocked and confused. DH tells me all the time that other people do not care about anyone but themselves. And where I think that is a very negative way to view people, it seems he may just be right. Or at least in 50% of the cases he is close to right. So what do I do? Stop caring about people? That is like asking me to change who I am. How do I learn to care but keep myself safe? I know these are all questions that have no exact answers and that seems to compound my problem. Am I destined to repeat the same events time and again until I learn to recognize the character flaws of others? Or do I just decided that being alone is better than associating with those who would hurt me again and again? Of course these are all deeply personal issues and I probably should not put all this out on the internet for everyone to know. But I am hoping that I am not the only person that this keeps happening to. Maybe I am not the one with problem. DH tells me that this is not my fault and that whoever blames me has problems of their own. My question is do people who exhibit these patterns actually seek out people who they view as easy targets or is it more innocent than all of that? I know this is not the most uplifting post I have ever written but I want to be honest about where I am today. Maybe all of this is God's way of getting me to get on my knees and seek Him. It's worth a try. I have nothing else to loose. So maybe in my rambling I have found the answer I needed to know today. I will try once again to take my concerns to God. I know sound skeptical. Please don't judge me for that. I am where I am in my walk and maybe I need to just step out of my comfort zone (which is not very comfortable today anyway) and get back to what I know.

My perspective can change I think but does that mean the reality was not what I thought all along?

Until next time I will humble myself and see where that gets me in this journey...

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Diamonds in the dust

It's amazing how when you give someone an opportunity (or the benefit of doubt) you may discover a diamond in the dust. That is what has happened to me. I have a new found friendship with someone whom I thought might be able to be a friend for a while. It is funny because she and I have much more in common than I ever would have thought. Yet, for several months we let another person in our lives keep us from connecting. How silly is that? Due to some interesting and unforeseen circumstances we both had an opportunity to talk and clear the air and now we realized that we could be very good friends. It's amazing to me that another person was able to manipulate the situation so that each of us thought the other did not like each other. I am thankful that I have learned over the years to take people at face value. If not I would have missed out on a diamond in the dust. Just another example of looking for the good in every situation.

Summer time is upon us and I am enjoying the ability to be out and about. We have not bought a new car yet. But I still feel a sense of excitement that there is so much to do outdoors. We are experiencing a break in the heat wave. It is so pleasant this week temperatures are in the 70's which is so much better than heat indexes that hit 105! It is time to be outside more! Forget about the house (mostly) and get outdoors! That is my new motto.

Today we are off to go swimming at Mommom Jen's. My kids love going over there to play and swim. Her house rocks. I think that it is so awesome that we are living so far from my home and family and yet so many people have invited us into their families and take such care to be there for us. It makes everything so much easier. I am not nearly as home sick as I was last summer. I am finding that when you bloom where you are planted great things happen.

My best friend just bought her first house! I am so proud of her and happy for her! She (of all people) deserves this! She has worked so hard for years now as a single mom to three kids. She has put up with so much crap and now she is finally reaping the rewards of hard work and perseverance. So give it up for my BF!! She deserves a round of applause and congratulations!!

On the home front (meaning how are the kids doing), Princess Fairheart is giving kisses! Yes, it is fabulous! I love it when your baby goes from just accepting all your love to reciprocating it! She just started giving kisses this week. She has been hugging us for a while but the kisses are like icing on a cake! She is also trying really hard to learn to walk. It is hysterical. She can take only a few steps at a time right now. When she falls down on her hiney though she looks up to see who is watching and then she claps her hands together and squeals. It is just too cute.
Weewee is turning into such a sweet little girl. She has a best friend now. That is the sweetest thing I have ever witnessed. They talk about EVERYTHING. They walk around holding hands and sharing secrets. They make up songs together and try to spend every waking minute together. It really helps that her BF lives right next door.
#1 Son spend all of his time trying be a grown up. He is 5 going on 25! He thinks he knows everything. As frustrating as it is at times I am totally thankful that he is so sure of himself. He also has a best friend but it is much different for boys. They spend most of their time beating the crap out of each other and then crying if they are separated from each other!?!?! I don't get it but I guess that is how boys are.
BB is making little to no progress in the potty training arena. I am not letting myself stress about it though. I figure he will get it sometime between now and kindergarten. He is becoming quite independent though. We have to keep a really close eye on him at all times because he has been sneaking out of the house when no one is looking! He is too quick sometimes. So we added child proof handles to our front and back doors. Hopefully he won't be able to figure them out. We'll see.

Nothing is better than being their Mom and I am truly thankful to have them. Thank God for my little ones to fill my days with love, work and the unexpected.

Until next time...

Monday, June 16, 2008

Car shopping

Saturday DH and I went car shopping. Shocking, I know! Especially since for 2 and a half years I have said "No way no how!!" to any form of car shopping. Not because I don't want a new car. Because believe me I do. But because I hate having a car payment. It is so stressful. I have loved owning our car and knowing that no matter what it is mine. I loathe paying a bank more than what a car is worth for the privilege of driving it and having to repeat the process over and over again every couple of years. With that said I had a thought that maybe we should start looking for a newer car. DH was talking about how much money we needed to spend to make our two vehicles run right and comfortably. UGH!!! That seemed like a waste. I mean let's face it my van is almost 8 years old! It has no air conditioning. It will cost around $900 to fix the air (that is an estimate that is 2 years old by the way). The transmission is messing up. I keep missing gears I think. It sounds like it needs new fuel injectors, brakes and some kind of turning arm. It has 133,000 + miles on it. Oh yeah and it is really hard to get in and out of (possibly the very last van to come off the assembly line with only one sliding door). I am killing myself trying to buckle children into car seats. DH's truck is an even sadder story. It is OLD OLD OLD, UGLY and LOUD. He hates it. The windshield needs to be replaced as well as the front grill. The interior is really ugly. But it runs OK. I would rather trade DH's truck in toward a new car. That way he can drive my old van and we have two vehicles that the rug rats can fit in. But it looks like we may trade the van in because it is worth more. I am waiting to hear from the banks today to see if we will be able to get the loan.

Oh I need to back up and tell you about the the new van and our test drive. We went to a local car lot and talked to a sales guy who showed us a Chrysler Touring since we are interested in a Dodge Grand Caravan (we have a Caravan now). They didn't have the Caravan on that lot so we looked at the Chrysler (supposed to be nearly the same vehicle in style). It is a 2007 and very nice! It has duel sliding doors and air conditioning! I was sold immediately! Oh yeah and it has power EVERYTHING! Another upgrade from my van. So we loaded up the children and took it for a test drive. It drives very nicely. Lots of power! DH liked that. While on the test drive DH asked if we should get the little ones a drink (since they were still hot and thirsty from the drive over to the car lot) I agreed and we went through a drive through window. The plan was to get the drinks and switch so I could drive back to the dealership. That was the plan until DH hit a 12" piece of cement barrier as we were pulling out of the drive through lane! He was so mad. We pulled into a parking space and he got out to look at the damage. There was damage! Oy Vey! So DH marched into the chain restaurant and probably said some really nasty things to the manager. Because it was a totally unmarked and impossible to see curb (based on the number of marks on it we were definitely not the first to hit it nor the last I am sure). So needless to say DH drove back to the dealership and let the salesman know we had damaged the vehicle. Mean while Weewee was crying because her drink spilled when Daddy hit the curb. BB was crying because he did not want his car seat in the new vehicle (he hates change) and Princess Fairheart was using her loud voice to let us know she was still there. I was getting a headache and wondering what kind of idiots take three of their four children to a car dealership with them!?!? In the end we are still going to get a good deal on the van and the dealership is going to fix the damage at no cost to us! I am very hopeful that I will get a call today that we are approved for a loan to get the new van. At a rate that we can afford. Hopefully it will all work out. I know that if God wants us to get a new vehicle then we will get it. If not in my heart I am still thankful for the one I have. I am content. I have already survived two summers without air and will make it through another as well. So either way I am happy and content.

Until next time...

Thursday, June 12, 2008


Does it ever seem like several days have attacked you at one time? I read that on a bumper sticker once and now I think I know what that feels like. Can you believe that half of the year is already behind us. I gave up on New Year's resolutions several years ago and now with the way time is flying I am glad I did.

So it seems that I am at yet another crossroads in my life. I am trying a new approach. Well, not really a new approach but just refreshing my natural optimism, or something like that. A positive attitude goes a long way, you know. I am reminding myself to look for the good and maybe just maybe I will find it where ever I look. I am approaching friendship the way I did too many years ago to mention. When I was young I was the encourager. Not the complainer. Somewhere along life's road I took a detour and lost my way. In recent years I think I have become a more and more negative person. Not all the time mind you, just a lot more often than I used to be. To be totally honest I am not very fond of the negativity I have been displaying lately. I think that when a person acts in a way that is contrary to their nature the behavior is amplified.

I will get back to positive thinking in just a little while. While I was writing this post last night my dear friend and neighbor was going through the most unreal situation. Her best friend (since college) lost her mind yesterday. She went to her ex husband's home and shot her own son! Allegedly she lost a court fight to have a protection from abuse order (PFA) lifted and visitation granted. The judge told her she needed to get her self straightened out and then he would hear the case again at a later date. So, this woman marched right through that PFA and tried to break into her ex's home but when she found only her oldest child there and he would not let her in the door she shot him (through the door) and then broke in. The son was able to escape out the front door and a passing motorist gave him a ride to a shopping center where he called police. This is one of those things you see in the movies or on the news this kind of thing does not happen in your life! I am so shocked! My friend is in an utter state of shock! This was a woman who spent the past thirteen years of her life at home raising her children! I have met her a half dozen times or so and she always talked about how much she loved her kids and wanted to get them back. She never seemed like a dangerous person. It is such a sad sad story. I hope something good can come from this. I know God can use any situation to bring people to him. I just pray that she gets the help she needs and that her family can heal from this devastating event. I know it will take time and even then only God's grace can give the healing and peace that they need. So, please pray for not only the mom who shot her son but also for my friend "Teeny Tee" and her family. These two ladies have been friends for a long long time. Their children have been raised together and the shock is too much for my friend.

Until next time....

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Faith begins with one event...

I can't believe another week has sped by. We live in a time of such haste and waste. Remember when you were young and time dragged on and on. It seemed like forever till Christmas (which by the way is only 28 weeks away). Remember how we would start school in the fall and a lifetime (or so it seemed) would pass before summer vacation rolled around again. I want time to slow down like that again. I remember my parents telling me to slow down and enjoy my youth because it is so fleeting. I wish I had understood. Maybe it takes being a parent to get it. Maybe age just changes time for us. I am not quiet sure. But here we are a week gone by and too many things to get done in ten lifetimes. I wonder if the people who lived in Bible times ever felt like 100 years passed too quickly. Could you imagine? What if our lives lasted as long as people's lives lasted in those days?

OK enough pondering impossibilities.

I want to share how God works n mysterious ways. I know I am not as "spiritual" as I once was. I know some of you are praying for me to find my way back home. Thank you! So, maybe I took the first step on the road home last night. In February my family and I moved into a new home. It is a rental (much to DH's dislike). We live right across the street from DH's Aunt and Uncle. The house is just the right size. We are one of only a few homes in this development that has two bathrooms and an addition of a family room/den. It is such a God thing because originally when we knew this house was empty the rent they wanted for it was way out of our budget. So we never really gave it too much thought. DH's Aunt and Uncle kept trying to get us to look at it but we knew we could not afford it. SO a couple of months went by and the house was still unoccupied. DH thought there must be something really wrong with the house but I convinced him that it would not hurt to look at it. Since we were all living in a one bedroom apartment and I was about to loose my mind. When we came here to look at the property the agent really tried to talk us out of renting it, It was the weirdest thing I have ever seen. She told us everything she could think of that was wrong with the house and then some. Looking back I think she has her eye on the property to buy and flip. But we were not dissuaded because the price for the rent had dropped to well below what was originally asked and well with our price range. We were thrilled. I was glad to have family across the street. We quickly met our next door neighbors and found out they have three children and the younger two are the same ages as my older two. The husband actually knows DH's step father. He babysat DH's step brothers when they were little and grew up with DH's step father and his siblings. Delaware is a very small place. We have since become really good friends with our neighbors. We never really tried to reach out to the neighbors to the left of us though. Maybe because he is a State Trooper and with our crazy dysfunctional extended family cops just are not the first people we pick for friends. So our trooper neighbor and his wife have three kids. A boy who is ten and twin girls that are three. We have always been friendly but never really taken the opportunity to really get to know them. #1Son loves to play with their little boy since he older though sometimes I limit their playtime. But recently (since our puppies came along) we have seen more and more of each other. Just casually in the yard talking for a few minutes here and there. The trooper's wife is a lovely lady who runs ragged because her twins are a handful. Earlier this week their son (I'll call him Lil B) came over and told me his Grandfather had passed away in FL. I sent my condolences and offered my help in any way that it might be needed. Well, Trooper went to FL to take care of arrangements and left K (his wife) home with their kids. All week has been a huge challenge for her. I watch her struggle to contain her girls and manage everything with out her man here to help. offer several times to help her but never get took up on the offer. Until last night she came home and her lawn needed lots and lots of care. I took the twins and let them swim in our little pool and play in the sand box while she cut the grass (DH offered to do it for her but she refused). While cutting the grass Mrs E (older lady across the street) came over with her self propelled mower and set to work the help K. It was amazing how we all came together to help a neighbor who needed a hand. After the lawn was done and I had bathed my children and her twins. We all gathered in her back yard for a little impromptu bon fire weeny roast and marshmallow roast. The kids had so much fun. I made a new friend. K and I stayed up all night (3:30 am) talking on her patio. We shared so many things. It was amazing that God had placed her in my life at just the right moment. We talked about faith and trust in God. Struggles in friendship and marriage. You name it we talked about it and easily! I am so amazed that this family I had decided not to befriend based on an idea of who they might be has turned out to possibly be the reason we moved here in the first place. I saw God working in and through her last night. I can not possibly explain how much our conversations effected me. I know was time set aside for God to really speak to me and to remind me of His unending love for me. It was also a time for me to reflect on my responsibilities as a child of God and a mother and wife. In those hours spent getting to know K and her enormous faith, unjudging spirit, and love, I was remind of who I am. I am barely able to put it into words. I know the ripple effects of last night will be felt in my spirit for years to come. I know more than ever that we live right where God wants us to be. I am excited and scared. I know my journey home started last night.

There are other events I could write about today. Mundane musings of motherhood. Ponderings of the great unknown and such things. But this faith journey of my life clearing a path I have not walked in a long time. It may not be an easy walk. In fact I know it will not be. But I feel a peace in my heart that I have not had in years and years. What is God calling me to do? To be? I don't know the answers yet. But I feel peace and love today for the first time in so lone. I am basking in that knowledge.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Oh joy it's Monday again! And it is the first day of June. This is my favorite time of the year. No more frost. Warm (sometimes hot) beautiful days! And the promise of an active and fun summer. What's not to love!

I spent the weekend spring cleaning. Oh what fun! I am in the mood to purge again! We have entirely too many toys. I think I am more emotionally attached to them that than the children are. I am actively trying to get over it! Today we will try to get rid of more toys! Yep it is a lofty goal, but one that has to happen. So the dilemma is do I pack the toys up and store them in the attic? Or do I just bite the bullet and give them away? Decisions decisions...I think I will just start at the beginning and start packing them up. How many toys are enough? It's funny because I don't even think they play with all the toys but I seem to be cleaning them up all the time. Kind of like dishes that reproduce while the lights are off.

Next weekend I am hoping we will get to pull our carpet out. It really needs to be done and there are beautiful hard woods under the carpet in the main part of the house. We have an addition (a family room (playroom) and bathroom with adjoining mudroom. No hard woods under there though. That carpet is pretty gross but it will just have to be cleaned until we can figure out what to do in there. I would like to find a couple of area rugs to cover the living room and dining room. Maybe not the dining room. It's a big project and DH wants to finish the front yard and garden before starting on the inside of the house. I think I am a little selfish cause I would rather have the inside done first. But I get it, people drive by and see our house everyday and form opinions about us because of how the house looks from outside. So I am compromising.

On the home front, my children are LOVING the nice weather! It is so fabulous that they can play outside all day and come in totally filthy and exhausted! They have helped there Daddy plant the garden (DH believes he has finally found his "happy place"). We are restless about getting to go swimming. We have a couple of offers from different family members who own pools. So in order to not overwhelm them we will be taking turns as to whose house we will hang out and swim at :) Princess Fairheart turned 1 last months and is still not interested in walking. Maybe it is because she is the baby?!?! All the other kids walked on or before their 12th month of life. She also still only has 2 teeth. She seems to be trying to cut a couple teeth on top but no luck yet. However, she refuses to eat baby food. She gums down whatever we are eating. She gets really upset if someone bigger than her has something else to eat. Don't you dare give her any mushed up, pureed, nasty flavorless food. She wants the real thing! So far I have found very few things my little princess will not eat. #1Son is five and a half going on 35! I swear he thinks he calls all the shots! And arguing with EVERYTHING! When did he decided to be a temper tantrum thrower! It is exhausting me. I am tired of fighting about EVERYTHING! Everything that does not go his way is "NOT FAIR!!!" UHG!! BB is talking so well. Most people look at me like I am crazy when I tell them he is only 2 and a half. The other day we were having cake at Auntie S's and he turned around (with his mouth half full) and told her "this cake is deeeeelisssiusss!" Delicious can you believe his vocabulary? He surprises me all the time with words he uses. He is definitely going through the tenacious two's! He thinks he is the boss of everything! Weewee and I are going this afternoon for a Mommy and Weewee day. We are going to get our manicures and pedicures! DH's cousin does nails and has offered to give us mani's and pedis...YAY!! I am so thankful for the gift because with four kids in tow I never really get to splurge on such indulgences.

So, I am off to purge a bunch of toys, referee several arguments and just be mom...don't you wish you had my day ahead of you?!?!?