Sunday, March 7, 2010

Today is my 34th birthday. I am not really the kind of girl who stresses about getting older. I mean let's face it after you have given birthday to four children, vanity flies out the window and practicalilty replaces it. I don't worry too much about lines and wrinkles (mostly because I don't have any yet, honestly). If you see me around town, at home or anywhere at all you will see that I have not really looked inside the covers of ANY fashion magazine in a decade or so. I would like to claim that this is because I am not into any of that girly stuff. But the truth is that as I have gotten older my desires have changed. I like the simple life. Today though I am sad. I know have every reason in the world to not be sad, on the one hand, and every reason in my heart to be sad, on the other hand. What can I say, I'm a work in progress. And there is hope! A few months ago as I traveled through darkness in a pit, I can see now that God was reaching out to me. So, on this Sunday morning, being church homeless as I am, I feel like sharing the things God has shown me recently. I have two motivations for this post.
1. To lift my spirits and make known my restored faith in God's love and power.
2. To record this for myself as a reminder. Yes, I could do it in a journal but I will be honest I write better when I feel like I am telling someone about me and my life. Hopefully someone will relate or at least come closer to God through my sharing.

I am going to start back a few months ago. I was in a hospital back in November. I to this day do not know exactly what happened or how I ended up there. That's not to say I do not remember the events that led up to that event. I just for the life of me can not figure out how I ended up there. I started therapy about a year before. Every week I went to a therapist. I poured my heart out. I talked about painful things that I never talk about. All the while through out that year I was not getting any better. My depression and anxiety were at an all time high. Granted the outside stressors were also at an all time high. I was at the point where I was rendered useless. Have you ever felt rendered useless? I mean literally I could not function. Just to care for my childrens needs took every once of concentration and effort in my body. I truly thought I was giong crazy! An example I have shared with those close to me is: Just to get let's say a drink for my child. Once asked for a a drink my brain would have to literally think out what steps to take to accomplish the task. I felt like I was in a slow motion documentary on thought processing. I would think (litterally) Ok, so I have to get up out of this chair. Walk to the fridge. Find a glass. Choose a drink, pour it. Give the glass to said child. Sit back down. Doesn't sound like it such a complicated thing but when you have to think through every step individually it makes you a frustrated person. Not once during this period of time did I think to pray about it. Honestly I figured that some how I had gotten myself into this mess and it was not God's job to get me out. Oh what a liar our enemy is!
I had been put on antidepressants and antianxiety medicines by my doctor a few months earlier and the medications had been "adjusted" and changed several times. I, however, was not getting any better. In fact I was worse! I was a walking wreck. It was sometimes like watching a train wreck happen right before my own eyes! So, there I was in the hospital. Did I mention that said hospital was a mental hospital? I was so suprised to find myself there. Yet, looking back I don't know why I was suprised. The first night I was there I stayed in the day room. That was a room where all the patients spent most of there daytime hours either watching TV, playing cards, participating in group therapy or any number of activities. I was admitted to the hospital pretty late at night. They did not have any beds until late morning so I slept in the day room. I didn't really care. I felt incapable of caring about anything. In fact I was exhausted and frightened and overwhelmed. Nothing in my life had ever prepared me for that. Everything in my life had prepared me for a life on the other side of the nurses station. It was physically, emotionally and mentally overwhelming. I slept for the whole first day I was there. First in that crazy day room. Then by early afternoon in the semiprivate room that I would be in for the next couple of weeks. Sleeping was the easy part. After all part of the reason I was in there was because I couldn't sleep. They give you medicine for that. It took them a couple of tries to find something that helped me sleep at night without giving me nightmares. Nightmares were the number one reason I was not sleeping so a drug that has a major side effect of causing nightmares would have seemed to me to be a bad choice. It is difficult to have your voice heard though from my side of the nurses station.
My roommate was a lady named "Rose". She was an interesting one. She was in her mid to late 40s. The first thing I noticed about her was that she liked to sleep alot. Which was fine by me because so do I. It was always dark in our room. The staff was always coming in and waking her up. I am a light enough sleeper that I could usually hear them coming. Our room was right next to the nurses station so we could hear alot of what went on at the desk. Rose was not there for depression or anxiety. She did not have a serious mental illness. In fact for the life of me I could not see why Rose was there at all. She is a drug addict. She does not mind being a drug addict. She in fact was only there (according to her) to detox so that when she got high next time it would feel really good. OK I was shocked! I even asked her once why she would put herself through all that and not take the help right in front of her. She told me that I was naieve if I thought that anything I would get in that place was help. She said she came in an addict who had had 12 years sober until her best friend died and now she would rather be an addict than fight it anymore. Her story did not help me get out of my funk. But for her gift to me I will always thankful. I won't soon forget Rose. She gave me a book while I was sharing a room with her. I love to read and so people were always bringing me magazines and puzzle books and even a novel or two. But Rose gave me a self help book. I had seen it on her shelf and had wondered how she had gotten a Beth Moore book? I had surmised right that someone had given it to her. She claimed to be catholic but even at that not a religious person at all (her words not mine). I knew that Beth Moore wrote bible studies I had led a few in my day. At any rate I was curious about the book. Rose let me borrow it and I started reading. But at that point in my life I really really really did not want to go running back to God in shame and disgrace. I had too much pride for that. So my curiosity lasted less than a day. I did not feel that familiar tug on my heart and I returned the book to Rose thanking her for letting me look at it. A couple days later when Rose was getting discharged she was packing her stuff and tossed the book over to me. She said she wanted me to have it because I probably believed in things like that more than her. And anyway (her words again) the girl who had been in our room before me had given it to her. So I accepted the gift. Feeling a little trapped by it. I figured this book would be exactly like all the others I have on my shelves, full of behavioral modifications to help you fit into a mold that does not work. So I figured it would collect dust on my shelf until I found some unsuspecting soul to pass it onto. I also figured like all the other books I have I would read from it from time to time but I was certain it did not hold any real answers. Having become an avid purchaser of the self help section I could see that I had just been given yet another useless book. Or so I thought...

The book is called Get Out of That Pit and it did sit on my shelf for months after I got it. I just could not humble myself enough to open it again. I was so desperatly trying to make my life work that I did not have time to deal with my spiritual life. I told myself that because of the past experiences I had, there was no room in my life for all the spiritual warfare that so often accompanies living a life soley declared to God. I knew that four years ago I told God that I was too tired for all of this anymore. That in my way of thinking it would be WAY easier to stand for nothing than to be constantly attacked for being his servant. My logic was that if I was not activly pursuing God then the devil would leave me alone. Yes, I see that our enemy is a liar! Now I do anyway. At the time it seemed very logical. And yes this is an actual decision I consciously made. Seems ridiculous but it is true. I found myself taking so many pills everyday. I felt pretty numb but that was a relief because when the numbness wore off it was like being cut wide open and exposed for the world to see. I was a desperate woman in a desperate place. I could not function. I got discharged from the hospital and back into therapy I went. By the holidays though I was fed up. Therapy was only making me feel more crazy bacause NOTHING was getting resolved and every single week I found another reason to be vulnerable and hurt. I stopped taking my medications at the first of the year. I could not even think most days because my head was so foggy. We worked on our marriage but it fell apart. My kids were having trouble in school. Everyone I knew was worried about me. I thought I had lost all my friends. I was isolated (because it was easier than being exposed). My husband was trying to make things work I know he really was. But nothing was working. My depression was the deepest darkest pit I have ever known. Nothing compared to the despair I felt within my very soul. I wondered how could life have changed so drastically. Then one day the Holy Spirit must have impressed it on my heart to pick up Beth Moore's book. I was all prepared with my arguments. Her studies take too much time. I am not in a place with God where I can just start reading a christian book and BAM my life will get better. I am good at making excuses when I want to be. In the end I decided what could it hurt. I have nothing to lose. Divorce is emminent. The kids are never going to walk up to me and say today Mom it's all yours do with it what you want. I don't play the lottery so I am sure no one will show up with all the money I need to be at peace. Now is as good a time as any I guess. So I picked the book up. I determined that if I did not read past the first few pages (the ones I had read in the hospital) them I would never finish it so I set a goal to read the first chapter. Timing is everything I guess. This time (maybe it was my willingess to try anything) I could not put the book down. I felt like it was written for me! Suddenly right there in front of me stood the answers. She explained how even if you don't have faith right now God can restore your faith. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. When I read that I thought yes, but I don't read my bible anymore. God's hand was definatly on Beth Morroe when she wrote that book because every excuse I could think of was dispelled within the pages of her book. It took me record three days to read that book. Actually it's record that I finished the book. Remember all those shelves filled with other self help books? I have to admit none of them held the answers for me.
Today I am in the process of relearning how to have a relationship with God. I realized that I was looking to my husband to be my savior when I already had a savior. I realized that joy can only come from God. That he is the fountain I need to drink from. That my life can never find peace and order with out him. I find myself praying for those who have hurt me and that forgiveness is much better than anger.
I still struggle. I still fight the urge to stay under the covers all day. I still hurt in many ways. But now I have hope again! It is gloriously refreshing to find that God never left me! For the first time in my life my relationship with God is for me. That may not make sense to many people but all my life I when I have served God it has been because someone else expected it of me. Now finally I know that my relationship with God is about me and him. And I am so much more at peace with that than ever before.
So, on this day, my birthday, I will celebrate the life that God is restoring to me. I hope for a wonderful future!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Been back home for a week now.

I took that jet plane down to Florida to a place I never expected to end up and found my self more traumatized than before I left. Now, that sounds bleak huh? Well that should be the beginning of a very interesting story. And it is.
On the evening of October the 22nd I boarded for, what I thought was a hospital for women who suffer from PTSD and Depression/anxiety disorders. So I arrive around 10pm that Friday night. During the check in process I see two older ladies who were obviously patients. One was very welcoming and friendly the other not so much. After check in which basically insisted of me getting a picture taken and vital signs taken. The started to take me to an exam room when I spot a male who also was definitely a patient and also really friendly. So, lie #1 not an all women's hospital. I started to feel a little anxious and jumpy. We go into this exam room where I produce the bottles of my prescribed medicine. I brought it all along so I would not forget what I was taking, dosage etc... The nurse asked me a lot of questions that I can not clearly recall. Then the search and seizure of my belongings began. I was somewhat distracted by the nurse asking me questions. Basically after this process I was allowed to keep my personal hygiene items and clothing. But according to dress coat I had no appropriate shirts other than two long sleeve shirts and one t shirt. The rest were tanks and those were prohibited. Did I mention this was Florida? It took me two days to figure out that the staff at this drug and alcohol rehab center had gotten me in on a benzo addiction. Remember my prescriptions? Well one was for Zanax it is my anxiety medicine. The nurse counted the pills. They were exactly right for a three day old Rx.

This is the first installment of the Chronicles of a rehab dropout.....
I am just too sleepy to keep typing tonite.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Don't panic if I am missing in action for a while. I'm leaving on a jet well that part is true. I am gonna go to a place that promises to help me learn to cope. Will be without internet or phone for a few weeks. Hopefully all this sacrifice will mean that when I get back home I will be whole and well. If you think of me pray for me.

Until next time....

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Putting things into motion

Yesterday was a good day over all. I took the two babies to spend the day with their GMom while the older two were in school. I love my Tuesdays. Lately however it seems like there are not enough hours in any day, let alone a Tuesday. It seemed like as soon as I was kid free, I was right back to get them. Now the reality was that they stayed there for four or more hours. But whose counting. So, not as much got done around the house as I had hoped. But I am cutting myself some slack in that area. Actually I am trying to cut myself some slack in a few areas.
So, I went to therapy yesterday. I feel a lot better having went. I was honest with her (my therapist) about how I have been feeling about our sessions and the fact that I do not always agree with the things she tells me. We did an "exercises" to help me figure out what she is really telling me. I found that sometimes when people tell me things I do not here what they are actually saying to me. Instead I distort things and turn them into personal attacks. I wonder how long I have been like that. This therapy thing is forcing me to do a lot of self examination. I have always been a person who over analyzes everything and worries about everything. I am figuring out why I do that. It seems impossible to me that I would be able to function during all of this heart ache. It seems impossible to me that I am still breathing in and out and living each moment knowing that my husband is not here anymore. Yet, here I am DOING just that! Amazing.
I am reading a book that I have own for 10+ years, finally. It is called Love is a choice. It is about dealing with codependency. I have fought myself and anyone who dared to call me co dependant for years and years now. I find the term so degrading and demoralizing. And yet reading this book now, well it just seems as if it was written to me. I am so truly blessed to find a way to learn to get past my hurts. I am looking to God and those who love me to help me become a truly healthy person. This is not an easy road. This is not a happy road. But this is the road I am on and until I can find an alternative route this is it for me.
Letting go of someone you truly deeply love is not easy. Sometimes I feel as if the world will just come to a complete stop. But I breathe in and out every day and just KNOW it will all work out the way it is supposed to. I bought Chuck a really awesome Bible several years ago. It's a life application version. So, since he is not using it and my Bible has been lost for some time now. I am going to start reading his. And I am going to start reminding myself of God's truths for me.
I am stepping out in blind faith here and hoping for great things to happen.
So today I am focusing on reading my book and reading the Psalms.

Until next time, pray for me and my children and yes even my husband...

Monday, October 19, 2009

This is me making a decision to be all that I can be...

Wow oh wow oh wow!! That is a lot of wows right? So I am deciding not to talk in cryptic ways on here anymore. I guess the decision to make the blog private is still a good one. Now I know who is reading so I know what I can say. This is a disclaimer though: I want people to understand that this blog is my personal place to vent, cry, scream, ponder, get advice, or just shout out. It will be what ever I need it to be. I will not mince my words, because whatever I say here is the truth. Things in this blog of course are the things that come from my perspective and my reality. So if you don't like what you are reading or you think maybe it is inappropriate then feel free to STOP READING!!

OK now that that is said I am going to be posting some stuff that I am thinking today.

Yesterday was another one of those days where I felt like I could cry all day. All I wanted was to be able to reach out and connect with Chuck. And since we are trying hard (or have been trying hard) to be there for each other and see where all this is going to lead us, I called him. My reasons for calling him were very simple, I wanted reassurance that we were going to work toward a reconciliation. I know it was a dumb thing to hope for, but I did. He and I talked for a very long time. We were having this really great (so I thought) conversation about what the problems in our marriage are and whether we could both see a possibility of reconciling. So as the conversation progressed I felt brave enough to bring up the topic of his girlfriend. I use the term girlfriend loosely since this girl lives in Germany and he does not see her. He does however have many conversations with her and has let her into a part of his life that should be reserved only for his wife. It occurs to me that I am married to a man who wants his cake and eat it too. He tells me just enough to give me hope and yet he refuses to give up the relationship he has with her. Then he accuses me of misunderstanding a 2 hour conversation we had just engaged in. At this point my answer to that is: Get your head out of your ass and listen to what you are saying. I am not the confused one you are!! I mean seriously what do you expect from me? Do you expect to call me and act as if I am still your wife when you are bringing your girlfriend to the US for a visit!! Yep I said it! He is bringing her here in November for a visit. That would be the big purchase he was planning! I got yelled at over a phone that I needed because it puts a hamper on him flying her over here! Well maybe I put a stop to that nonsense when I called her last week. Yes, I know I do not need to hear from anyone else that calling her was lifetime movie crazy! But whatever I needed to do that. But I digress, so, even after finding out that he was planning this little secret trip, I still (maybe even more so) felt desperate to make him see that this would be the end for us!! Evidently he wants it to be the end. Maybe the end with an openness that he could go carrying on this affair and then later on down the road find his way back to me. WTF!! Is he serious!??!? I mean come on how low does he really think my self esteem is? Does he really think I could take him back after all this? Does he think that I will work with him? I mean yes we have 4 kids together. He actually thinks that if I am stuck here doing the hard work (while he is off having another relationship) that I will be able to be friendly to him. I told him last night that I respect the choice and am glad he was clear in his choice. But that if he thinks this will make things easier for me he is wrong. Because with every chore I do, every sock I wash, every meal I make, every thought I have I HATE HIM!! I know hate is wrong. But I really really hate him! I hate him for thinking he could get away with this. I periodically think through out the day that he is the most selfish person I have ever met. So many people are telling me that I need to let him go. So I am but for whatever reason, the only way I can do that is to let myself hate him. By letting myself hate him I can see how bad he really is for me! Instead of holding on to what I have loved about him, I have to focus on what he has done (in the most terrible ways) to hurt me. It is not just this stupid girl he is talking to. It is so much more than all that. It is the fact that I have stood by him and been his greatest defender and best advocate and best friend for 8 years and now this?!?!? He has a lot of nerve. I think that he is stupid to think that being in ANY relationship will work for him before he gets help. He has serious anger issues and serious self control issues. But he is not my responsibility anymore.
One reason I am venting all this out in this way is so that I can come back to this spot and see what I have determined in my heart. I am an easily confused person. I am easily hurt. But I am not stupid (even if some people would have me believe that I am)! I am not going to do any of this on his terms! I have to take my life back and forget about him! I tried as hard (maybe harder) as one person can! So as of last night I am shutting him out of my heart and out of my life. If he wants a relationship with his kids he will have to be the one to accomplish that. I am not going to compensate for him. I am not going to make up for him not being here. I can only be one person.

My Zach and I had a very long heart to heart last night. I think that he is so broken hearted because he wants his Mom and Dad to be together and he feels like his dad has been gone "half his life". So we talked about a lot of things. I tried to reassure him that none of this could ever be his fault. He said "I know Mom. I just wish Daddy would not be mean to you all the time." He also reminded me that Daddy broke him promise that he would never hurt Mommy again. Instead of trying to convince my son (as I usually would) that no Daddy doe snot hurt me, I let him explain what he meant by that statement. Wow! When you are able to listen to your children you will learn so much about the things they hear and see and even how their little brains get things really confused. So, I decided that honesty is the best policy. We have always tried to treat our children as if they are just little people with all the same feelings that we grown ups have. So I talked to him in a way a 7 year old could understand. I explained to him that even though it really is Daddy's job that took him to North Carolina, Daddy would not live at home with us in Delaware anymore anyway. I explained (the best I could) that Daddy will not be coming back to live with us anymore. Zach seemed to already know and understand it. He cried a lot but I think he needed to cry to get it all out. So I just held my son and let him know that no matter what happens both his Dad and I love him more than words can even say. I also let him know that I will always love his Dad but that we can not be together cause Daddy has done some things that hurt too much and make both of us too sad. I hope I am doing the right thing by talking to him about all this. I am keeping in mind that I can not let myself "depend" on my kids to make me feel better. I will not let them become my comfort. They are a comfort to me but if the roles ever become confused for them I would not be able to deal with the guilt of doing that kind of damage to them. I see a lot of my self in my son. When I was growing up I truly felt responsible for my Mother's happiness and so this is where the feeling guilty for not fixing people crap comes from. I never could help my mom. My son told me last night his biggest fear is that when I cry I will be sad FOREVER. Well, you know that one broke my heart. I promised him I will not be sad forever. So this is me CHOOSING to put on my big girl pants and stop worrying about Chuck and start worrying about me. I don't care anymore if Chuck wakes up on day and regrets this. I am not worried if he will only wake up once it is too late! His loss (and mine too) but I did not choose this and I did not cause this. No amount of bullshit will make me believe that this is my fault. Keeping your wedding vows just is not that hard to do. It is just that simple and I have to have a backbone when it comes to letting people hurt me. I have to stop just taking crap. Because the one thing I have learned is that if you let yourself be a doormat, then guess what that is how they will continue to use you. I am not a doormat I am the daughter of the King! I am a precious gift that God has made. I may feel broken but my creator can fix His creation better than anyone else could. It is time for me to let God do what he needs to and in the end I know that I am worth more than Chuck has made me feel. I am not worthless and I am not unlovable. I have people who would miss me if I was gone and they are not only my children. Finally today I am ready to do this for me. Not for anyone else but for me. Those who are in my life will benefit from having me back and I will benefit from having my God back.

So, until next, pray for me and if you feel like encouraging me that is cool too....

Sunday, October 18, 2009

One long continuos conversation...

It seems to me like all my post have lately just been one continuation of the same conversation. Why break the cycle now? It seems most of my is spent trying to figure things out lately. This week I am supposed to be working on letting go, validating my feelings, telling myself what I ever I "feel" is real but maybe not in my control. All that sounds great. It is not though. I feel like I am riding an extended roller coaster and wishing for the ride to stop. Just when I think things will calm down emotionally I am hit again by something unexpected. It is all the little things. I spent an entire day this week freaking out and wanting to get a Uhaul to get the heck out of here. That was on Thurday. Wednesday night I had a complete melt down. A couple of folks actually said I was the craziest girl they know. My best friend actually told me she was surprised by the something I did and compared it too a lifetime movie...UGH!! This is what my life has boiled down to a lifetime movie. And worse a movie that no one knows how it is going to end! How do I get past the love I feel for Chuck and let him go? He told me on Wednesday that I have to let him go. I get confused though cause he still wants me to be there for in him in a lot of ways. It is so hard to break habits that we have had for years. Just like it is so hard for us not to argue. How can a relationship be so right in some ways but WAY too wrong in others? People keep telling me that my experiences are not unique. This does not make me feel any better, it actually makes me more sad. Sad because there are other folks out there hurting this bad. I have definitely not had enough sleep. Last night the kids were all spending the night out. It is a nice break to have some me time. But it kind of makes me feel like a loser. Because all I ever do when I get a time out is to play board games with a bunch of guys I know. Where some might think that me hanging out with a bunch of guys would be the perfect distraction, let me assure it is not! There is no one flirting with me. There is no one making me feel sexy or cute or even all that happy with myself. I know all that should come from inside of me, but come on how many of us just naturally feel good about ourselves? Raise your hand if you do not need outside affirmation. I am so used to all of that coming from Chuck . I miss being told how pretty, sexy, hot, lovable etc... I am. I could always go out and try to hook up with someone new, but that is not even close to likely to happen for me. It's not that I can't go out and accomplish that mission. It is that I know it would destroy me emotionally. I still feel married. I guess because I am still married. I know a lot of people in this world can just jump out of on relationship into another and never blink an eye. Or at least not let anyone know they blinked an eye. I am not one of those people though. I need to feel loved and adored before I can give it up. So, if you can not tell I am frustrated. I am sad. I am lonesome. There is nothing I can do to make him come back to me. Even if I feel like I have loved him like no one else. Even if I have felt like he has loved me like no one else. How do you let your soul mate go? If I have known in my heart for 8 years 5 months and 3 days that this was the ONLY man I ever wanted. Could ever need. Seen myself growing old with. I want to assume that people know what I mean. I do not think I was ever in love before Chuck because I know for sure I never had a broken heart before him. A broken heart is the most terrible thing I have ever felt. And I have been through some major crap in my life! So, I am pretty sure I have a good scale to judge pain against. Most days I feel like I am never going to be OK again. I feel like I am walking around with a piece of me missing. It is not that we don't talk everyday. We talk about the kids. We talk about our bills. We talk about our plans. But we can not talk about us. Not without me crying, or screaming, or wanting to hide myself away. I feel like the biggest failure ever! I know that irrational. Many people have failed at much more important things. But I have failed at the most important thing in my life. I know some might think I have my priorities screwed up since I am a Mom and my kids should be my important thing. And yes they are important to me. More than I can express in words. But my marriage was always something I viewed as extending further than my children. My marriage has always been more important to me than anything. Because I felt like together he and I could do anything. Alone I am pretty useless. Alone I am weak and crumble. Alone I can not motivate myself to be my best. I have always felt like he motivated me to be my best person and I tried to do the same for him. If fighting is the only problem we have (and I am in no way minimizing that) then how come we can fix that? How come we can not find it in ourselves to find a way ANY way? I could do that. I know I would do that. So, letting go is what needs to happen if the other person is unwilling to work on it? How do you let go of something you feel like you have spent forever working to keep safe and protected?
Today seems like it will be a crappy day cause now I started it on the wrong foot. I should not have had my first interaction with him this morning. Now I will spend the day feeling the intense separation and loss that I have spent the whole weekend running away from.
On another note. I am going to talk to my therapist this week about PTSD. If I do not start getting some real advice, help (with results) I may have to look for it in a different place. After almost a year of therapy I would expect better results than I am getting. I need to get past some of this PTSD stuff. I think maybe it is PTSD that makes things so much harder for me. I will have to post more about that sometime.

Until next time...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I am up way too early after a fitful night. This time I can not blame the kids for my lack of rest though some how I did end up with two in my bed. It is very difficult to try to sleep when you have a 3 year old and a 7 year old taking up almost every inch of space in a queen size bed. But I digress. I am not up this early blogging about not fitting in my bed.

No, I wish it were that easy. I knew when I laid my head down last night that sleep would elude me. I knew that nightmares were waiting for my eyes to close. There is nothing worse than lying down at night knowing rest will not come.

I have laid there for a couple of hours now wondering what I would write today. Because I know I need to write. I have 45 minutes to figure it before I have to wake the kids and get them ready for school. I have a long day ahead. Parent teacher conferences this afternoon. Oh how I hate knowing I have to leave my house. My eyes are almost swollen shut after so many tears were shed last night.

I am supposed to work on validating my own feelings this week. I am supposed to remind myself that it is OK to feel the things that I do. I am supposed to stop beating myself up for not being perfect. Ah! If only it were that easy.

So, I will back up for a second and say this. Last night when Chuck called to say goodnight to the kids. It was so obvious that we were having problems with my phone. It took a few times before it would connect. By the time we got him on the phone he was irritated. I understand (sort of). I know he is not a patient person. I know that things not working right frustrate him (more than it might others). He finally got to talk to each of the kids. Which was really important last night. Zach and Matthew are really taking this "Daddy being gone to North Carolina" thing hard, especially yesterday. All my kids are starting to feel really sad that Daddy had to leave again. We both tell them that Daddy has gone because there are no jobs in Delaware and he has to have a job so we can eat and live. But to a kid I am sure that none of that makes sense. I know that all my kids want is for Daddy to be home. Zach cried last night because he feels like "Daddy has been gone all his life" I tried to explain that Daddy has only really been gone a lot this past year. But to a 7 year old a year is a lifetime. So, I try not to cry in front of them. I try to assure them everything will be OK, soon. But I know that may not be the truth. So, after he talked to the kids we talked. He is really mad at me for having to get a new phone. I felt really bad, thinking maybe it was a bad decision. We argued about money (of course) and things got heated (of course). I have just come to expect that I can not talk to him. Chuck likes to talk at me. I don't feel like he listens to me or cares about what I have to say. He then in turn tells me that I need to stop doing things with my feelings. BUT I am an emotional person! I was when he met me. I was when we fell in love. I have not changed being emotional. I can not change that. I am trying very very hard to let my logical mind learn to be more in control. But this is fighting against nature for me. He told me last night that he knows I would say anything (and mean it) to get him to come back to me. But the reality is that we can not be together. I understand some of his reasons. I really do. I just keep hoping that some where along the way we will learn to communicate effectively with each other. It just is never going to happen if every time we talk he gets mad.
I am really really mad at him right now. I have felt so bad about getting a new phone. And he revealed a financial issue to me last night! I am so hurt that he thinks it is OK for him to spend money on something that is #1 not wise when we are so far behind on our bills (due to 3 months looking for work that is not really his fault) #2 a mean and hurtful thing to do. #3 something he would have to lie to me about. I never ever spend money on big things with out his permission. He does not think he needs permission to spend big because he makes the money and in his eyes we are not married anymore. WHAT!?!??! But yet, he can be frustrated and angry with me for getting a new phone.
I said some really nasty things and threatened him with even nastier things after he told me about this purchase he plans to make.
I did not talk to him again last night, which is tearing me up, but instead I called Germany. I had an hour long conversation with his "friend". At first I called out of anger. But as we talked I realized a few things and it is really weird to say that she did help me to understand somethings. I felt really bad for waking her. It was around 4:30am over there when I called. No matter what Chuck thinks about me calling her I am glad I did. My therapist may think it was unhealthy and irrational but I don't care. I know in my heart a couple of things. #1 I will not lay down my marriage with out a fight! #2 I needed to hear from this woman what this relationship is for her. #3 I need to do this for me. I can not stop the crazy feelings of abandonment, fear, confusion, and deep deep hurt, if I do not confront things head on.
I am angry! I am telling myself that it is OK to be angry. It is normal to be angry. I have tried to handle things in a friendly way until now. I would like to continue to handle things in a friendly way. But I can not do that alone. I can not be expected to just take the handfuls of bullshit and say thank you too!
I don't know anyone else who has gone through something like this. I do not know who to turn to. I wish I had someone/ anyone who could help me know what to do. More than that I wish I knew some way to stop my heart from breaking to pieces every time I hear his voice. I wish oh how I wish things were different. I wish I could just let him go. Maybe in time. But I fear if I hold on any longer it will only push him father away.

He will be angry that I am blogging this. Maybe I should just send it as an email, nah he won't read it. So that is it in a nutshell. I blog because it is the only way I feel heard. Even if no one responds I feel heard and uninterrupted.

I am so sad. I am not sure how long a person can survive being this sad. I could blame it all on him. After all he got me pregnant 4 times. He has a violent temper. He scares me. He is unfaithful. And the list can go on and on and on...but he is right that he does not make me sad. I am just sad. I fear I will never get my life back. I fear that this might beat me. I know I know people say I am a strong woman, but I am not! I am scared and alone two things that this "strong woman" cannot handle at all. Then you add the responsibility of raising four kids to that...well it is a wonder I get up in the morning at all.

Well, my time is up gotta get the day started. I would ask for prayers but not sure what if anything God can do to help me or even would do to help the likes of me.

Until next time...