Friday, October 23, 2009

Don't panic if I am missing in action for a while. I'm leaving on a jet well that part is true. I am gonna go to a place that promises to help me learn to cope. Will be without internet or phone for a few weeks. Hopefully all this sacrifice will mean that when I get back home I will be whole and well. If you think of me pray for me.

Until next time....

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Putting things into motion

Yesterday was a good day over all. I took the two babies to spend the day with their GMom while the older two were in school. I love my Tuesdays. Lately however it seems like there are not enough hours in any day, let alone a Tuesday. It seemed like as soon as I was kid free, I was right back to get them. Now the reality was that they stayed there for four or more hours. But whose counting. So, not as much got done around the house as I had hoped. But I am cutting myself some slack in that area. Actually I am trying to cut myself some slack in a few areas.
So, I went to therapy yesterday. I feel a lot better having went. I was honest with her (my therapist) about how I have been feeling about our sessions and the fact that I do not always agree with the things she tells me. We did an "exercises" to help me figure out what she is really telling me. I found that sometimes when people tell me things I do not here what they are actually saying to me. Instead I distort things and turn them into personal attacks. I wonder how long I have been like that. This therapy thing is forcing me to do a lot of self examination. I have always been a person who over analyzes everything and worries about everything. I am figuring out why I do that. It seems impossible to me that I would be able to function during all of this heart ache. It seems impossible to me that I am still breathing in and out and living each moment knowing that my husband is not here anymore. Yet, here I am DOING just that! Amazing.
I am reading a book that I have own for 10+ years, finally. It is called Love is a choice. It is about dealing with codependency. I have fought myself and anyone who dared to call me co dependant for years and years now. I find the term so degrading and demoralizing. And yet reading this book now, well it just seems as if it was written to me. I am so truly blessed to find a way to learn to get past my hurts. I am looking to God and those who love me to help me become a truly healthy person. This is not an easy road. This is not a happy road. But this is the road I am on and until I can find an alternative route this is it for me.
Letting go of someone you truly deeply love is not easy. Sometimes I feel as if the world will just come to a complete stop. But I breathe in and out every day and just KNOW it will all work out the way it is supposed to. I bought Chuck a really awesome Bible several years ago. It's a life application version. So, since he is not using it and my Bible has been lost for some time now. I am going to start reading his. And I am going to start reminding myself of God's truths for me.
I am stepping out in blind faith here and hoping for great things to happen.
So today I am focusing on reading my book and reading the Psalms.

Until next time, pray for me and my children and yes even my husband...

Monday, October 19, 2009

This is me making a decision to be all that I can be...

Wow oh wow oh wow!! That is a lot of wows right? So I am deciding not to talk in cryptic ways on here anymore. I guess the decision to make the blog private is still a good one. Now I know who is reading so I know what I can say. This is a disclaimer though: I want people to understand that this blog is my personal place to vent, cry, scream, ponder, get advice, or just shout out. It will be what ever I need it to be. I will not mince my words, because whatever I say here is the truth. Things in this blog of course are the things that come from my perspective and my reality. So if you don't like what you are reading or you think maybe it is inappropriate then feel free to STOP READING!!

OK now that that is said I am going to be posting some stuff that I am thinking today.

Yesterday was another one of those days where I felt like I could cry all day. All I wanted was to be able to reach out and connect with Chuck. And since we are trying hard (or have been trying hard) to be there for each other and see where all this is going to lead us, I called him. My reasons for calling him were very simple, I wanted reassurance that we were going to work toward a reconciliation. I know it was a dumb thing to hope for, but I did. He and I talked for a very long time. We were having this really great (so I thought) conversation about what the problems in our marriage are and whether we could both see a possibility of reconciling. So as the conversation progressed I felt brave enough to bring up the topic of his girlfriend. I use the term girlfriend loosely since this girl lives in Germany and he does not see her. He does however have many conversations with her and has let her into a part of his life that should be reserved only for his wife. It occurs to me that I am married to a man who wants his cake and eat it too. He tells me just enough to give me hope and yet he refuses to give up the relationship he has with her. Then he accuses me of misunderstanding a 2 hour conversation we had just engaged in. At this point my answer to that is: Get your head out of your ass and listen to what you are saying. I am not the confused one you are!! I mean seriously what do you expect from me? Do you expect to call me and act as if I am still your wife when you are bringing your girlfriend to the US for a visit!! Yep I said it! He is bringing her here in November for a visit. That would be the big purchase he was planning! I got yelled at over a phone that I needed because it puts a hamper on him flying her over here! Well maybe I put a stop to that nonsense when I called her last week. Yes, I know I do not need to hear from anyone else that calling her was lifetime movie crazy! But whatever I needed to do that. But I digress, so, even after finding out that he was planning this little secret trip, I still (maybe even more so) felt desperate to make him see that this would be the end for us!! Evidently he wants it to be the end. Maybe the end with an openness that he could go carrying on this affair and then later on down the road find his way back to me. WTF!! Is he serious!??!? I mean come on how low does he really think my self esteem is? Does he really think I could take him back after all this? Does he think that I will work with him? I mean yes we have 4 kids together. He actually thinks that if I am stuck here doing the hard work (while he is off having another relationship) that I will be able to be friendly to him. I told him last night that I respect the choice and am glad he was clear in his choice. But that if he thinks this will make things easier for me he is wrong. Because with every chore I do, every sock I wash, every meal I make, every thought I have I HATE HIM!! I know hate is wrong. But I really really hate him! I hate him for thinking he could get away with this. I periodically think through out the day that he is the most selfish person I have ever met. So many people are telling me that I need to let him go. So I am but for whatever reason, the only way I can do that is to let myself hate him. By letting myself hate him I can see how bad he really is for me! Instead of holding on to what I have loved about him, I have to focus on what he has done (in the most terrible ways) to hurt me. It is not just this stupid girl he is talking to. It is so much more than all that. It is the fact that I have stood by him and been his greatest defender and best advocate and best friend for 8 years and now this?!?!? He has a lot of nerve. I think that he is stupid to think that being in ANY relationship will work for him before he gets help. He has serious anger issues and serious self control issues. But he is not my responsibility anymore.
One reason I am venting all this out in this way is so that I can come back to this spot and see what I have determined in my heart. I am an easily confused person. I am easily hurt. But I am not stupid (even if some people would have me believe that I am)! I am not going to do any of this on his terms! I have to take my life back and forget about him! I tried as hard (maybe harder) as one person can! So as of last night I am shutting him out of my heart and out of my life. If he wants a relationship with his kids he will have to be the one to accomplish that. I am not going to compensate for him. I am not going to make up for him not being here. I can only be one person.

My Zach and I had a very long heart to heart last night. I think that he is so broken hearted because he wants his Mom and Dad to be together and he feels like his dad has been gone "half his life". So we talked about a lot of things. I tried to reassure him that none of this could ever be his fault. He said "I know Mom. I just wish Daddy would not be mean to you all the time." He also reminded me that Daddy broke him promise that he would never hurt Mommy again. Instead of trying to convince my son (as I usually would) that no Daddy doe snot hurt me, I let him explain what he meant by that statement. Wow! When you are able to listen to your children you will learn so much about the things they hear and see and even how their little brains get things really confused. So, I decided that honesty is the best policy. We have always tried to treat our children as if they are just little people with all the same feelings that we grown ups have. So I talked to him in a way a 7 year old could understand. I explained to him that even though it really is Daddy's job that took him to North Carolina, Daddy would not live at home with us in Delaware anymore anyway. I explained (the best I could) that Daddy will not be coming back to live with us anymore. Zach seemed to already know and understand it. He cried a lot but I think he needed to cry to get it all out. So I just held my son and let him know that no matter what happens both his Dad and I love him more than words can even say. I also let him know that I will always love his Dad but that we can not be together cause Daddy has done some things that hurt too much and make both of us too sad. I hope I am doing the right thing by talking to him about all this. I am keeping in mind that I can not let myself "depend" on my kids to make me feel better. I will not let them become my comfort. They are a comfort to me but if the roles ever become confused for them I would not be able to deal with the guilt of doing that kind of damage to them. I see a lot of my self in my son. When I was growing up I truly felt responsible for my Mother's happiness and so this is where the feeling guilty for not fixing people crap comes from. I never could help my mom. My son told me last night his biggest fear is that when I cry I will be sad FOREVER. Well, you know that one broke my heart. I promised him I will not be sad forever. So this is me CHOOSING to put on my big girl pants and stop worrying about Chuck and start worrying about me. I don't care anymore if Chuck wakes up on day and regrets this. I am not worried if he will only wake up once it is too late! His loss (and mine too) but I did not choose this and I did not cause this. No amount of bullshit will make me believe that this is my fault. Keeping your wedding vows just is not that hard to do. It is just that simple and I have to have a backbone when it comes to letting people hurt me. I have to stop just taking crap. Because the one thing I have learned is that if you let yourself be a doormat, then guess what that is how they will continue to use you. I am not a doormat I am the daughter of the King! I am a precious gift that God has made. I may feel broken but my creator can fix His creation better than anyone else could. It is time for me to let God do what he needs to and in the end I know that I am worth more than Chuck has made me feel. I am not worthless and I am not unlovable. I have people who would miss me if I was gone and they are not only my children. Finally today I am ready to do this for me. Not for anyone else but for me. Those who are in my life will benefit from having me back and I will benefit from having my God back.

So, until next, pray for me and if you feel like encouraging me that is cool too....

Sunday, October 18, 2009

One long continuos conversation...

It seems to me like all my post have lately just been one continuation of the same conversation. Why break the cycle now? It seems most of my is spent trying to figure things out lately. This week I am supposed to be working on letting go, validating my feelings, telling myself what I ever I "feel" is real but maybe not in my control. All that sounds great. It is not though. I feel like I am riding an extended roller coaster and wishing for the ride to stop. Just when I think things will calm down emotionally I am hit again by something unexpected. It is all the little things. I spent an entire day this week freaking out and wanting to get a Uhaul to get the heck out of here. That was on Thurday. Wednesday night I had a complete melt down. A couple of folks actually said I was the craziest girl they know. My best friend actually told me she was surprised by the something I did and compared it too a lifetime movie...UGH!! This is what my life has boiled down to a lifetime movie. And worse a movie that no one knows how it is going to end! How do I get past the love I feel for Chuck and let him go? He told me on Wednesday that I have to let him go. I get confused though cause he still wants me to be there for in him in a lot of ways. It is so hard to break habits that we have had for years. Just like it is so hard for us not to argue. How can a relationship be so right in some ways but WAY too wrong in others? People keep telling me that my experiences are not unique. This does not make me feel any better, it actually makes me more sad. Sad because there are other folks out there hurting this bad. I have definitely not had enough sleep. Last night the kids were all spending the night out. It is a nice break to have some me time. But it kind of makes me feel like a loser. Because all I ever do when I get a time out is to play board games with a bunch of guys I know. Where some might think that me hanging out with a bunch of guys would be the perfect distraction, let me assure it is not! There is no one flirting with me. There is no one making me feel sexy or cute or even all that happy with myself. I know all that should come from inside of me, but come on how many of us just naturally feel good about ourselves? Raise your hand if you do not need outside affirmation. I am so used to all of that coming from Chuck . I miss being told how pretty, sexy, hot, lovable etc... I am. I could always go out and try to hook up with someone new, but that is not even close to likely to happen for me. It's not that I can't go out and accomplish that mission. It is that I know it would destroy me emotionally. I still feel married. I guess because I am still married. I know a lot of people in this world can just jump out of on relationship into another and never blink an eye. Or at least not let anyone know they blinked an eye. I am not one of those people though. I need to feel loved and adored before I can give it up. So, if you can not tell I am frustrated. I am sad. I am lonesome. There is nothing I can do to make him come back to me. Even if I feel like I have loved him like no one else. Even if I have felt like he has loved me like no one else. How do you let your soul mate go? If I have known in my heart for 8 years 5 months and 3 days that this was the ONLY man I ever wanted. Could ever need. Seen myself growing old with. I want to assume that people know what I mean. I do not think I was ever in love before Chuck because I know for sure I never had a broken heart before him. A broken heart is the most terrible thing I have ever felt. And I have been through some major crap in my life! So, I am pretty sure I have a good scale to judge pain against. Most days I feel like I am never going to be OK again. I feel like I am walking around with a piece of me missing. It is not that we don't talk everyday. We talk about the kids. We talk about our bills. We talk about our plans. But we can not talk about us. Not without me crying, or screaming, or wanting to hide myself away. I feel like the biggest failure ever! I know that irrational. Many people have failed at much more important things. But I have failed at the most important thing in my life. I know some might think I have my priorities screwed up since I am a Mom and my kids should be my important thing. And yes they are important to me. More than I can express in words. But my marriage was always something I viewed as extending further than my children. My marriage has always been more important to me than anything. Because I felt like together he and I could do anything. Alone I am pretty useless. Alone I am weak and crumble. Alone I can not motivate myself to be my best. I have always felt like he motivated me to be my best person and I tried to do the same for him. If fighting is the only problem we have (and I am in no way minimizing that) then how come we can fix that? How come we can not find it in ourselves to find a way ANY way? I could do that. I know I would do that. So, letting go is what needs to happen if the other person is unwilling to work on it? How do you let go of something you feel like you have spent forever working to keep safe and protected?
Today seems like it will be a crappy day cause now I started it on the wrong foot. I should not have had my first interaction with him this morning. Now I will spend the day feeling the intense separation and loss that I have spent the whole weekend running away from.
On another note. I am going to talk to my therapist this week about PTSD. If I do not start getting some real advice, help (with results) I may have to look for it in a different place. After almost a year of therapy I would expect better results than I am getting. I need to get past some of this PTSD stuff. I think maybe it is PTSD that makes things so much harder for me. I will have to post more about that sometime.

Until next time...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I am up way too early after a fitful night. This time I can not blame the kids for my lack of rest though some how I did end up with two in my bed. It is very difficult to try to sleep when you have a 3 year old and a 7 year old taking up almost every inch of space in a queen size bed. But I digress. I am not up this early blogging about not fitting in my bed.

No, I wish it were that easy. I knew when I laid my head down last night that sleep would elude me. I knew that nightmares were waiting for my eyes to close. There is nothing worse than lying down at night knowing rest will not come.

I have laid there for a couple of hours now wondering what I would write today. Because I know I need to write. I have 45 minutes to figure it before I have to wake the kids and get them ready for school. I have a long day ahead. Parent teacher conferences this afternoon. Oh how I hate knowing I have to leave my house. My eyes are almost swollen shut after so many tears were shed last night.

I am supposed to work on validating my own feelings this week. I am supposed to remind myself that it is OK to feel the things that I do. I am supposed to stop beating myself up for not being perfect. Ah! If only it were that easy.

So, I will back up for a second and say this. Last night when Chuck called to say goodnight to the kids. It was so obvious that we were having problems with my phone. It took a few times before it would connect. By the time we got him on the phone he was irritated. I understand (sort of). I know he is not a patient person. I know that things not working right frustrate him (more than it might others). He finally got to talk to each of the kids. Which was really important last night. Zach and Matthew are really taking this "Daddy being gone to North Carolina" thing hard, especially yesterday. All my kids are starting to feel really sad that Daddy had to leave again. We both tell them that Daddy has gone because there are no jobs in Delaware and he has to have a job so we can eat and live. But to a kid I am sure that none of that makes sense. I know that all my kids want is for Daddy to be home. Zach cried last night because he feels like "Daddy has been gone all his life" I tried to explain that Daddy has only really been gone a lot this past year. But to a 7 year old a year is a lifetime. So, I try not to cry in front of them. I try to assure them everything will be OK, soon. But I know that may not be the truth. So, after he talked to the kids we talked. He is really mad at me for having to get a new phone. I felt really bad, thinking maybe it was a bad decision. We argued about money (of course) and things got heated (of course). I have just come to expect that I can not talk to him. Chuck likes to talk at me. I don't feel like he listens to me or cares about what I have to say. He then in turn tells me that I need to stop doing things with my feelings. BUT I am an emotional person! I was when he met me. I was when we fell in love. I have not changed being emotional. I can not change that. I am trying very very hard to let my logical mind learn to be more in control. But this is fighting against nature for me. He told me last night that he knows I would say anything (and mean it) to get him to come back to me. But the reality is that we can not be together. I understand some of his reasons. I really do. I just keep hoping that some where along the way we will learn to communicate effectively with each other. It just is never going to happen if every time we talk he gets mad.
I am really really mad at him right now. I have felt so bad about getting a new phone. And he revealed a financial issue to me last night! I am so hurt that he thinks it is OK for him to spend money on something that is #1 not wise when we are so far behind on our bills (due to 3 months looking for work that is not really his fault) #2 a mean and hurtful thing to do. #3 something he would have to lie to me about. I never ever spend money on big things with out his permission. He does not think he needs permission to spend big because he makes the money and in his eyes we are not married anymore. WHAT!?!??! But yet, he can be frustrated and angry with me for getting a new phone.
I said some really nasty things and threatened him with even nastier things after he told me about this purchase he plans to make.
I did not talk to him again last night, which is tearing me up, but instead I called Germany. I had an hour long conversation with his "friend". At first I called out of anger. But as we talked I realized a few things and it is really weird to say that she did help me to understand somethings. I felt really bad for waking her. It was around 4:30am over there when I called. No matter what Chuck thinks about me calling her I am glad I did. My therapist may think it was unhealthy and irrational but I don't care. I know in my heart a couple of things. #1 I will not lay down my marriage with out a fight! #2 I needed to hear from this woman what this relationship is for her. #3 I need to do this for me. I can not stop the crazy feelings of abandonment, fear, confusion, and deep deep hurt, if I do not confront things head on.
I am angry! I am telling myself that it is OK to be angry. It is normal to be angry. I have tried to handle things in a friendly way until now. I would like to continue to handle things in a friendly way. But I can not do that alone. I can not be expected to just take the handfuls of bullshit and say thank you too!
I don't know anyone else who has gone through something like this. I do not know who to turn to. I wish I had someone/ anyone who could help me know what to do. More than that I wish I knew some way to stop my heart from breaking to pieces every time I hear his voice. I wish oh how I wish things were different. I wish I could just let him go. Maybe in time. But I fear if I hold on any longer it will only push him father away.

He will be angry that I am blogging this. Maybe I should just send it as an email, nah he won't read it. So that is it in a nutshell. I blog because it is the only way I feel heard. Even if no one responds I feel heard and uninterrupted.

I am so sad. I am not sure how long a person can survive being this sad. I could blame it all on him. After all he got me pregnant 4 times. He has a violent temper. He scares me. He is unfaithful. And the list can go on and on and on...but he is right that he does not make me sad. I am just sad. I fear I will never get my life back. I fear that this might beat me. I know I know people say I am a strong woman, but I am not! I am scared and alone two things that this "strong woman" cannot handle at all. Then you add the responsibility of raising four kids to that...well it is a wonder I get up in the morning at all.

Well, my time is up gotta get the day started. I would ask for prayers but not sure what if anything God can do to help me or even would do to help the likes of me.

Until next time...

Monday, October 12, 2009

A new day dawns...

We had a fun and exciting weekend! The kids did not have school on Friday so I took Emily over to G'Mom's house to spend the day and Zach, Matt, Jenna, Zach's friend and I all went to the park for several hours. It was a blast! Then I headed over to Mark's for some dinner and gaming. It was fun and I only had my two littlest ones and their cousin to watch so it was a great break. Then on Saturday evening all my kids went over to Chuck's cousin's house and spent the night. I had planned to go out and hear some local bands with Mark and Charlie but (surprise surprise) we decided to stay in and learn a new game. I am beginning to think my secret geek is coming out of the closet :) I so enjoy playing board games (OK really any games). We are always trying out games I have never heard of but they are usually pretty fun. We tried a game called Calyus on Saturday. Right now my favorite game is called Puerto Rico. I tend to be the one who finds a game and then only wants to play that game until it gets old. Good thing for me we have a pretty good group of folks who like to play as much as I do.

Anyway, I am still fighting off sadness through out my days and nights. I am still confused and wondering where this road I am on is going to lead. But I am trying really hard to keep myself distracted enough so that it all does not bother me too much. It is hard for me when I talk to Chuck these days cause I just don't know what to say to him any more. I know it is me. I know that if I wanted to talk he would probably listen but I keep thinking to myself what can he really say that will make me feel better. So, I keep it casual. Even though he is still the one I want to call as soon as something happens (good or bad). He is the last person I want to talk to before going to sleep and the first person I wish I could talk to when I wake up. I wish it were the same for him. Maybe it is. I don't really know what he is thinking or feeling these days. I don't really ask. I am trying so hard to make things as easy on all of us as possible. I am worried all the time about what I should or should not do and say. I want to give him his space yet I also want to be in his space. Pretty messed up I know. Blogging helps and so does talking to my best friend. Since he left a week ago my life has felt pretty isolated. I go over to Mark's, GMom's on Tuesdays and other than that I hardly talk to anyone (unless it is on Facebook). I feel like I am more alone that I have been in a long time. I am sure I could pick up the phone or go visit someone, but I don't really feel like it. I hate when people who know what is going on want to try to talk to me and make me feel better. It does not help. Sounds bad but I don't want anyone to tell me it is going to be OK. I don't really want most of the "crazy" advice people want to give me. And there are just certain people I can not tolerate who think that just because he is gone they should waltz back into my life, like I want that! Why do some people think that they can come to me and give me advice or say things like "You know I am here for you" when they are NEVER there for anyone but themselves! No, thanks I can handle it better with out your help. At least there will be less drama that way!
It is hard taking care of our kids by myself. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be any easier. I also wonder a lot about how long will I have to do this? Will it really be until they are all raised? I mean I do not believe that I can live with that. I have at least 16 more years to have kids in my house being taken care of by me. I am also realistic enough to know they don't actually leave at 18 years old so... I may have longer. Am I supposed to spend at least the next 16 years being the primary full time parent of four kids? Yes, I know the answer to that question is YES. But it is so scary! I mean if things never work out between Chuck and I how will I ever do this? I did not have all these kids to be raising them alone. In fact if you really want to know the truth this is one of my BIGGEST fears coming true. I never wanted to have any child and be on my own. Now, by on my own I mean: Me being the parent who is at home with them. I do not mean financially supporting them all by myself. I know that he will always support his kids. I know that he will not leave us stranded like that. But raising kids takes more than that. In fact sometimes I feel like earning the pay check has to be way easier than being at home with them. I choose to be at home, so don't think I am complaining, it is probably just a "the grass is greener" kind of thing. I don't know.
I want to go back to school for nursing. It seems as if this is an insurmountable task. Especially now that I am alone. I have no idea how all of this will work and I am so overwhelmed at the thought of it that I can hardly breathe.
I am trying to teach myself to dream again BUT my practical side of my brain is revolting. I am so practical about somethings that since I can see so many obstacles in my way, I can not begin to imagine how my dreams can come true. One of the things I have always loved so much about being with Chuck is that he is a dreamer and I am not. SO where I can totally manage things in today he has this awesome power to look ahead. He is not so good at the today part. So we balanced each other out. He has always been able to set goals and reach them. I can not even get to the setting goals part. Funny huh? Chuck has a vision for the future and I have a vision for the present it always seems to work out so well. Now who is going to help me see beyond today? A friend of his told me once that we were like a Yin and Yang. Total opposites that balance each other out. So, how did it all go so wrong? How do I stop hoping that I will still spend my life being in balance with him? How? How? How? See these are the things that are in my brain. This is the reason I can not talk to him about things that are more than casual. If I try to talk about these things then I am sure he will feel like I am holding on too tight. I want him to feel free so that he can sort through his own feelings and the decisions he has to make to be his best person. How do you love someone this much and have to be forced to let them go. I hate that saying "If you love something set it free" I hate hate hate that! But I do love him so, I must set him free. BUT HOW? I am doing the best that I can. People say I am doing better than most...doesn't really seem that way too me but I am trying.
Today is new day. My goal is to quit smoking. This is my first goal, on my own. I have been smoker for going on 10 years now and I hate it. So, since I know I quit each time I was pregnant, I can do this. I am worried about being grumpy. I hate being grumpy cause the kids do not need a grumpy Mommy right now. BUT if I can just get through the first part of this I will be healthier and happier. So I am doing it! Prayers would be helpful, thank you!

Until next time...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Never meant to hurt anyone...

Ah...I have had this blog for a couple of years now. It has served as MY place to say whatever I need to in order to sort my thoughts, share my world and just vent. I never imagined that it would hurt anyone. I never intended to offend. I have simply needed an outlet. I have felt that I could write the things that I can not say out loud. Is this wrong? Is it too much personal information to share with the world at large? I have no true idea who might come across these pages and read them. I have thought to myself that if some unknown person stumbled across this blog and they found a kindred spirit or encouragement during their own times of need, then maybe it is a good thing. I have always been a what you see is what you get kind of person. I like being open and honest with my thoughts. I like having other people know me and sometimes encourage me to keep on keeping on.
So, those of you who read this may be wondering "what is she talking about now?" I made a post here the other night when I had insomnia and needed to get all my thoughts out of my head. I posted a link to my facebook account because I have many wonderful friends who have known me a long time and are very encouraging to me. I wanted people who care about me to know what I was truly going through right now. I never thought about the content hurting someone. I am not even sure why it would. But my blog was read by someone who was in turn hurt by the things I wrote. And now I feel really bad about that. I went back and reread the post and I still don't understand why it hurt. I don't understand how I could be accused of slamming my husband. I was simply venting my feelings in what I thought was a safe place.
So, I have decided to make this blog a little more private. The last thing I want to do is hurt the ones I love. I still, however, need this outlet. I still need a place to write things down and get other's opinions etc... so if you are a follower of my blog or if you want to be a follower of my blog and you know me, then please send me a message and I will include you in the list of people who will be able to continue to read. If not that is OK. I will still write. I will still vent. I will still remain true to my needs. I will however try not to be hurtful in my own healing process.
OK, now that that is out of the way, I do have a few thoughts today, beyond the above mentioned stuff.
I am not as sad today as I have been. That is a good thing. I am coming to the conclusion that all of this turmoil in my life might be for a good reason. What if this is all God's way of drawing me back into a truly closer walk with Him? To be honest it has been really hard to pray or even seek out God in any way, for a long time now. Maybe that is what I really need to do. Lord knows I have the time now. BUT (and this is a big but) I am afraid. I am afraid to seek out God because, by history, every time I seek a closer walk with God the enemy tries to destroy me. I know I am not alone in this. I know that I am not uniquely attacked. I know that the enemy wants to destroy faith in all of God's children. But I am worn down to the bone. I am tired of fighting those spiritual battles. I have said before that I identify the closest with David from the Bible. David was a sinner. David made huge mistakes in his lifetime. Yet, the Bible describes David as a man after God's own heart. I understand that. I can identify with that. I am starving to death (in a spiritual sense. I have not fellowship with folks who believe like me in 3 years. I feel like I am living in the dessert. Wandering like the Israelites. I hope I do not wander for 40 years. I pray that I can find that hidden path and walk boldly through these trials in my life, with a sound assurance that God has my back. Because at this point I think God could be the only one who has my back. I pray that God will heal my marriage. I pray that God will lead me to the road he wants me to travel. I pray that I will have a heart that recognizes the still small voice that will guide me. I am not worthy but I am truly willing to follow. I want to find peace again. I want to feel loved and if God is the only one who can give that to me, then I will not fight against that.
God give me the strength and wisdom to know where I need to go.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I thought I would be asleep by now...guess not though. Sleep seems to be just beyond my reach tonite. I started to drift off a little while ago while reading so I turned out the lights and was instantly and totally awake with my thoughts. I went to therapy today. Well let me back up first and say that the past couple of days have been a bitter sweet mix if blessings and sadness. Chuck left for North Carolina on Sunday afternoon. I knew it was coming up and yet I was completely blindsided by the overwhelming emotions I experienced during the last 24 hours he was here. I guess I had been holding on to my feelings hoping he would be gone before anything significant hit me. It did not turn out the way I had hoped. I was a blubbering fool. I cried and cried and cried some more. I cried till 3am on Saturday/ Sunday. Then when we woke up Sunday I could not stop the tears again. Saturday night I finally admitted to myself (and to Chuck) that he had broken my heart. I am not sure I have ever truly had a broken heart before. I have never felt pain like this. I have never been more confused by someone else's actions and words before. I love my husband with all that is in my soul and yet some how have been able for the past few weeks to tell myself that I could move on and just be his friend now. That is not even possible for me to imagine right now. So, I went to therapy today...I sometimes hate going there. But at the same I know I need the help. So, my therapist tells me I can not work on my marriage right now. I need to make working on my marriage an off limits subject for me. She says it is because he is not working on himself. She agreed with my thoughts that this other woman he talks to is just a distraction and an infatuation. I want to contact this woman and tell her to leave my man alone but the therapist says that will mot accomplish what I want it too. She says that would be like me blaming the other woman. Well I do blame her. What kind of person gets involved with a married man and tries to be his new found "best" friend. I am supposed to be his best friend. He keeps telling me things like I love you. I will never stop loving you. I will always be here to support you and take care of your needs and the children's needs. All I here anymore is blah blah blah blah... I am so worn down. I am so sad. I am so tired of being left behind! I know I have abandonment issues. Gosh do I know that! But come on I am being abandoned. He went to NC for a job. Yes, that is noble for him to find work. Yes, I am thankful he was finally able to find work. But why would he leave. He says he knows he has anger issues. He can not live in the same house as me because he is afraid that he will not be able to stop his rage. I know there is a lot of pent up anger in him. I know he has worked hard for our family. But I have too. He tells me he misses the sweet girl he fell in love with. I told him that she is gone. You can not return innocence to someone. You can not unhurt the ones you have hurt. I have this crazy mess of unresolved feelings that plague me every minute of the day. The situation is making me crazy! Yet, here I am again, all alone in this house with four of the most amazing children. Who need so much from me and from him. I keep praying that he will find his way. He needs to get some help for his sake, my sake and our children's sake. I love this man so much. I know that our relationship is unhealthy. I just can not for the life of me figure out why I am not supposed to work on my marriage anymore! It seems to me that now is the time I should fight the hardest! Now is the time I should work with out rest. How come people think that marriage is so disposable? I do not understand. One thing that really hurts me is the fact that he broke a promise to me. He vowed to love me until the day we die and he promised to forsake all others! So why then can I not turn my back on him. He broke the promises not me. He is the one who wants a divorce. I just want my family back together and I want my husband back. The one who really loved me. The one who promised me the world.
So I have choices to make. Do I contact the other woman? Do I listen to the therapist and stop working on my marriage? I truly do not know what to do. I hate this! I really really hate this!

Until next time...