Monday, November 16, 2009

Been back home for a week now.

I took that jet plane down to Florida to a place I never expected to end up and found my self more traumatized than before I left. Now, that sounds bleak huh? Well that should be the beginning of a very interesting story. And it is.
On the evening of October the 22nd I boarded for, what I thought was a hospital for women who suffer from PTSD and Depression/anxiety disorders. So I arrive around 10pm that Friday night. During the check in process I see two older ladies who were obviously patients. One was very welcoming and friendly the other not so much. After check in which basically insisted of me getting a picture taken and vital signs taken. The started to take me to an exam room when I spot a male who also was definitely a patient and also really friendly. So, lie #1 not an all women's hospital. I started to feel a little anxious and jumpy. We go into this exam room where I produce the bottles of my prescribed medicine. I brought it all along so I would not forget what I was taking, dosage etc... The nurse asked me a lot of questions that I can not clearly recall. Then the search and seizure of my belongings began. I was somewhat distracted by the nurse asking me questions. Basically after this process I was allowed to keep my personal hygiene items and clothing. But according to dress coat I had no appropriate shirts other than two long sleeve shirts and one t shirt. The rest were tanks and those were prohibited. Did I mention this was Florida? It took me two days to figure out that the staff at this drug and alcohol rehab center had gotten me in on a benzo addiction. Remember my prescriptions? Well one was for Zanax it is my anxiety medicine. The nurse counted the pills. They were exactly right for a three day old Rx.

This is the first installment of the Chronicles of a rehab dropout.....
I am just too sleepy to keep typing tonite.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Don't panic if I am missing in action for a while. I'm leaving on a jet well that part is true. I am gonna go to a place that promises to help me learn to cope. Will be without internet or phone for a few weeks. Hopefully all this sacrifice will mean that when I get back home I will be whole and well. If you think of me pray for me.

Until next time....

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Putting things into motion

Yesterday was a good day over all. I took the two babies to spend the day with their GMom while the older two were in school. I love my Tuesdays. Lately however it seems like there are not enough hours in any day, let alone a Tuesday. It seemed like as soon as I was kid free, I was right back to get them. Now the reality was that they stayed there for four or more hours. But whose counting. So, not as much got done around the house as I had hoped. But I am cutting myself some slack in that area. Actually I am trying to cut myself some slack in a few areas.
So, I went to therapy yesterday. I feel a lot better having went. I was honest with her (my therapist) about how I have been feeling about our sessions and the fact that I do not always agree with the things she tells me. We did an "exercises" to help me figure out what she is really telling me. I found that sometimes when people tell me things I do not here what they are actually saying to me. Instead I distort things and turn them into personal attacks. I wonder how long I have been like that. This therapy thing is forcing me to do a lot of self examination. I have always been a person who over analyzes everything and worries about everything. I am figuring out why I do that. It seems impossible to me that I would be able to function during all of this heart ache. It seems impossible to me that I am still breathing in and out and living each moment knowing that my husband is not here anymore. Yet, here I am DOING just that! Amazing.
I am reading a book that I have own for 10+ years, finally. It is called Love is a choice. It is about dealing with codependency. I have fought myself and anyone who dared to call me co dependant for years and years now. I find the term so degrading and demoralizing. And yet reading this book now, well it just seems as if it was written to me. I am so truly blessed to find a way to learn to get past my hurts. I am looking to God and those who love me to help me become a truly healthy person. This is not an easy road. This is not a happy road. But this is the road I am on and until I can find an alternative route this is it for me.
Letting go of someone you truly deeply love is not easy. Sometimes I feel as if the world will just come to a complete stop. But I breathe in and out every day and just KNOW it will all work out the way it is supposed to. I bought Chuck a really awesome Bible several years ago. It's a life application version. So, since he is not using it and my Bible has been lost for some time now. I am going to start reading his. And I am going to start reminding myself of God's truths for me.
I am stepping out in blind faith here and hoping for great things to happen.
So today I am focusing on reading my book and reading the Psalms.

Until next time, pray for me and my children and yes even my husband...

Monday, October 19, 2009

This is me making a decision to be all that I can be...

Wow oh wow oh wow!! That is a lot of wows right? So I am deciding not to talk in cryptic ways on here anymore. I guess the decision to make the blog private is still a good one. Now I know who is reading so I know what I can say. This is a disclaimer though: I want people to understand that this blog is my personal place to vent, cry, scream, ponder, get advice, or just shout out. It will be what ever I need it to be. I will not mince my words, because whatever I say here is the truth. Things in this blog of course are the things that come from my perspective and my reality. So if you don't like what you are reading or you think maybe it is inappropriate then feel free to STOP READING!!

OK now that that is said I am going to be posting some stuff that I am thinking today.

Yesterday was another one of those days where I felt like I could cry all day. All I wanted was to be able to reach out and connect with Chuck. And since we are trying hard (or have been trying hard) to be there for each other and see where all this is going to lead us, I called him. My reasons for calling him were very simple, I wanted reassurance that we were going to work toward a reconciliation. I know it was a dumb thing to hope for, but I did. He and I talked for a very long time. We were having this really great (so I thought) conversation about what the problems in our marriage are and whether we could both see a possibility of reconciling. So as the conversation progressed I felt brave enough to bring up the topic of his girlfriend. I use the term girlfriend loosely since this girl lives in Germany and he does not see her. He does however have many conversations with her and has let her into a part of his life that should be reserved only for his wife. It occurs to me that I am married to a man who wants his cake and eat it too. He tells me just enough to give me hope and yet he refuses to give up the relationship he has with her. Then he accuses me of misunderstanding a 2 hour conversation we had just engaged in. At this point my answer to that is: Get your head out of your ass and listen to what you are saying. I am not the confused one you are!! I mean seriously what do you expect from me? Do you expect to call me and act as if I am still your wife when you are bringing your girlfriend to the US for a visit!! Yep I said it! He is bringing her here in November for a visit. That would be the big purchase he was planning! I got yelled at over a phone that I needed because it puts a hamper on him flying her over here! Well maybe I put a stop to that nonsense when I called her last week. Yes, I know I do not need to hear from anyone else that calling her was lifetime movie crazy! But whatever I needed to do that. But I digress, so, even after finding out that he was planning this little secret trip, I still (maybe even more so) felt desperate to make him see that this would be the end for us!! Evidently he wants it to be the end. Maybe the end with an openness that he could go carrying on this affair and then later on down the road find his way back to me. WTF!! Is he serious!??!? I mean come on how low does he really think my self esteem is? Does he really think I could take him back after all this? Does he think that I will work with him? I mean yes we have 4 kids together. He actually thinks that if I am stuck here doing the hard work (while he is off having another relationship) that I will be able to be friendly to him. I told him last night that I respect the choice and am glad he was clear in his choice. But that if he thinks this will make things easier for me he is wrong. Because with every chore I do, every sock I wash, every meal I make, every thought I have I HATE HIM!! I know hate is wrong. But I really really hate him! I hate him for thinking he could get away with this. I periodically think through out the day that he is the most selfish person I have ever met. So many people are telling me that I need to let him go. So I am but for whatever reason, the only way I can do that is to let myself hate him. By letting myself hate him I can see how bad he really is for me! Instead of holding on to what I have loved about him, I have to focus on what he has done (in the most terrible ways) to hurt me. It is not just this stupid girl he is talking to. It is so much more than all that. It is the fact that I have stood by him and been his greatest defender and best advocate and best friend for 8 years and now this?!?!? He has a lot of nerve. I think that he is stupid to think that being in ANY relationship will work for him before he gets help. He has serious anger issues and serious self control issues. But he is not my responsibility anymore.
One reason I am venting all this out in this way is so that I can come back to this spot and see what I have determined in my heart. I am an easily confused person. I am easily hurt. But I am not stupid (even if some people would have me believe that I am)! I am not going to do any of this on his terms! I have to take my life back and forget about him! I tried as hard (maybe harder) as one person can! So as of last night I am shutting him out of my heart and out of my life. If he wants a relationship with his kids he will have to be the one to accomplish that. I am not going to compensate for him. I am not going to make up for him not being here. I can only be one person.

My Zach and I had a very long heart to heart last night. I think that he is so broken hearted because he wants his Mom and Dad to be together and he feels like his dad has been gone "half his life". So we talked about a lot of things. I tried to reassure him that none of this could ever be his fault. He said "I know Mom. I just wish Daddy would not be mean to you all the time." He also reminded me that Daddy broke him promise that he would never hurt Mommy again. Instead of trying to convince my son (as I usually would) that no Daddy doe snot hurt me, I let him explain what he meant by that statement. Wow! When you are able to listen to your children you will learn so much about the things they hear and see and even how their little brains get things really confused. So, I decided that honesty is the best policy. We have always tried to treat our children as if they are just little people with all the same feelings that we grown ups have. So I talked to him in a way a 7 year old could understand. I explained to him that even though it really is Daddy's job that took him to North Carolina, Daddy would not live at home with us in Delaware anymore anyway. I explained (the best I could) that Daddy will not be coming back to live with us anymore. Zach seemed to already know and understand it. He cried a lot but I think he needed to cry to get it all out. So I just held my son and let him know that no matter what happens both his Dad and I love him more than words can even say. I also let him know that I will always love his Dad but that we can not be together cause Daddy has done some things that hurt too much and make both of us too sad. I hope I am doing the right thing by talking to him about all this. I am keeping in mind that I can not let myself "depend" on my kids to make me feel better. I will not let them become my comfort. They are a comfort to me but if the roles ever become confused for them I would not be able to deal with the guilt of doing that kind of damage to them. I see a lot of my self in my son. When I was growing up I truly felt responsible for my Mother's happiness and so this is where the feeling guilty for not fixing people crap comes from. I never could help my mom. My son told me last night his biggest fear is that when I cry I will be sad FOREVER. Well, you know that one broke my heart. I promised him I will not be sad forever. So this is me CHOOSING to put on my big girl pants and stop worrying about Chuck and start worrying about me. I don't care anymore if Chuck wakes up on day and regrets this. I am not worried if he will only wake up once it is too late! His loss (and mine too) but I did not choose this and I did not cause this. No amount of bullshit will make me believe that this is my fault. Keeping your wedding vows just is not that hard to do. It is just that simple and I have to have a backbone when it comes to letting people hurt me. I have to stop just taking crap. Because the one thing I have learned is that if you let yourself be a doormat, then guess what that is how they will continue to use you. I am not a doormat I am the daughter of the King! I am a precious gift that God has made. I may feel broken but my creator can fix His creation better than anyone else could. It is time for me to let God do what he needs to and in the end I know that I am worth more than Chuck has made me feel. I am not worthless and I am not unlovable. I have people who would miss me if I was gone and they are not only my children. Finally today I am ready to do this for me. Not for anyone else but for me. Those who are in my life will benefit from having me back and I will benefit from having my God back.

So, until next, pray for me and if you feel like encouraging me that is cool too....

Sunday, October 18, 2009

One long continuos conversation...

It seems to me like all my post have lately just been one continuation of the same conversation. Why break the cycle now? It seems most of my is spent trying to figure things out lately. This week I am supposed to be working on letting go, validating my feelings, telling myself what I ever I "feel" is real but maybe not in my control. All that sounds great. It is not though. I feel like I am riding an extended roller coaster and wishing for the ride to stop. Just when I think things will calm down emotionally I am hit again by something unexpected. It is all the little things. I spent an entire day this week freaking out and wanting to get a Uhaul to get the heck out of here. That was on Thurday. Wednesday night I had a complete melt down. A couple of folks actually said I was the craziest girl they know. My best friend actually told me she was surprised by the something I did and compared it too a lifetime movie...UGH!! This is what my life has boiled down to a lifetime movie. And worse a movie that no one knows how it is going to end! How do I get past the love I feel for Chuck and let him go? He told me on Wednesday that I have to let him go. I get confused though cause he still wants me to be there for in him in a lot of ways. It is so hard to break habits that we have had for years. Just like it is so hard for us not to argue. How can a relationship be so right in some ways but WAY too wrong in others? People keep telling me that my experiences are not unique. This does not make me feel any better, it actually makes me more sad. Sad because there are other folks out there hurting this bad. I have definitely not had enough sleep. Last night the kids were all spending the night out. It is a nice break to have some me time. But it kind of makes me feel like a loser. Because all I ever do when I get a time out is to play board games with a bunch of guys I know. Where some might think that me hanging out with a bunch of guys would be the perfect distraction, let me assure it is not! There is no one flirting with me. There is no one making me feel sexy or cute or even all that happy with myself. I know all that should come from inside of me, but come on how many of us just naturally feel good about ourselves? Raise your hand if you do not need outside affirmation. I am so used to all of that coming from Chuck . I miss being told how pretty, sexy, hot, lovable etc... I am. I could always go out and try to hook up with someone new, but that is not even close to likely to happen for me. It's not that I can't go out and accomplish that mission. It is that I know it would destroy me emotionally. I still feel married. I guess because I am still married. I know a lot of people in this world can just jump out of on relationship into another and never blink an eye. Or at least not let anyone know they blinked an eye. I am not one of those people though. I need to feel loved and adored before I can give it up. So, if you can not tell I am frustrated. I am sad. I am lonesome. There is nothing I can do to make him come back to me. Even if I feel like I have loved him like no one else. Even if I have felt like he has loved me like no one else. How do you let your soul mate go? If I have known in my heart for 8 years 5 months and 3 days that this was the ONLY man I ever wanted. Could ever need. Seen myself growing old with. I want to assume that people know what I mean. I do not think I was ever in love before Chuck because I know for sure I never had a broken heart before him. A broken heart is the most terrible thing I have ever felt. And I have been through some major crap in my life! So, I am pretty sure I have a good scale to judge pain against. Most days I feel like I am never going to be OK again. I feel like I am walking around with a piece of me missing. It is not that we don't talk everyday. We talk about the kids. We talk about our bills. We talk about our plans. But we can not talk about us. Not without me crying, or screaming, or wanting to hide myself away. I feel like the biggest failure ever! I know that irrational. Many people have failed at much more important things. But I have failed at the most important thing in my life. I know some might think I have my priorities screwed up since I am a Mom and my kids should be my important thing. And yes they are important to me. More than I can express in words. But my marriage was always something I viewed as extending further than my children. My marriage has always been more important to me than anything. Because I felt like together he and I could do anything. Alone I am pretty useless. Alone I am weak and crumble. Alone I can not motivate myself to be my best. I have always felt like he motivated me to be my best person and I tried to do the same for him. If fighting is the only problem we have (and I am in no way minimizing that) then how come we can fix that? How come we can not find it in ourselves to find a way ANY way? I could do that. I know I would do that. So, letting go is what needs to happen if the other person is unwilling to work on it? How do you let go of something you feel like you have spent forever working to keep safe and protected?
Today seems like it will be a crappy day cause now I started it on the wrong foot. I should not have had my first interaction with him this morning. Now I will spend the day feeling the intense separation and loss that I have spent the whole weekend running away from.
On another note. I am going to talk to my therapist this week about PTSD. If I do not start getting some real advice, help (with results) I may have to look for it in a different place. After almost a year of therapy I would expect better results than I am getting. I need to get past some of this PTSD stuff. I think maybe it is PTSD that makes things so much harder for me. I will have to post more about that sometime.

Until next time...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I am up way too early after a fitful night. This time I can not blame the kids for my lack of rest though some how I did end up with two in my bed. It is very difficult to try to sleep when you have a 3 year old and a 7 year old taking up almost every inch of space in a queen size bed. But I digress. I am not up this early blogging about not fitting in my bed.

No, I wish it were that easy. I knew when I laid my head down last night that sleep would elude me. I knew that nightmares were waiting for my eyes to close. There is nothing worse than lying down at night knowing rest will not come.

I have laid there for a couple of hours now wondering what I would write today. Because I know I need to write. I have 45 minutes to figure it before I have to wake the kids and get them ready for school. I have a long day ahead. Parent teacher conferences this afternoon. Oh how I hate knowing I have to leave my house. My eyes are almost swollen shut after so many tears were shed last night.

I am supposed to work on validating my own feelings this week. I am supposed to remind myself that it is OK to feel the things that I do. I am supposed to stop beating myself up for not being perfect. Ah! If only it were that easy.

So, I will back up for a second and say this. Last night when Chuck called to say goodnight to the kids. It was so obvious that we were having problems with my phone. It took a few times before it would connect. By the time we got him on the phone he was irritated. I understand (sort of). I know he is not a patient person. I know that things not working right frustrate him (more than it might others). He finally got to talk to each of the kids. Which was really important last night. Zach and Matthew are really taking this "Daddy being gone to North Carolina" thing hard, especially yesterday. All my kids are starting to feel really sad that Daddy had to leave again. We both tell them that Daddy has gone because there are no jobs in Delaware and he has to have a job so we can eat and live. But to a kid I am sure that none of that makes sense. I know that all my kids want is for Daddy to be home. Zach cried last night because he feels like "Daddy has been gone all his life" I tried to explain that Daddy has only really been gone a lot this past year. But to a 7 year old a year is a lifetime. So, I try not to cry in front of them. I try to assure them everything will be OK, soon. But I know that may not be the truth. So, after he talked to the kids we talked. He is really mad at me for having to get a new phone. I felt really bad, thinking maybe it was a bad decision. We argued about money (of course) and things got heated (of course). I have just come to expect that I can not talk to him. Chuck likes to talk at me. I don't feel like he listens to me or cares about what I have to say. He then in turn tells me that I need to stop doing things with my feelings. BUT I am an emotional person! I was when he met me. I was when we fell in love. I have not changed being emotional. I can not change that. I am trying very very hard to let my logical mind learn to be more in control. But this is fighting against nature for me. He told me last night that he knows I would say anything (and mean it) to get him to come back to me. But the reality is that we can not be together. I understand some of his reasons. I really do. I just keep hoping that some where along the way we will learn to communicate effectively with each other. It just is never going to happen if every time we talk he gets mad.
I am really really mad at him right now. I have felt so bad about getting a new phone. And he revealed a financial issue to me last night! I am so hurt that he thinks it is OK for him to spend money on something that is #1 not wise when we are so far behind on our bills (due to 3 months looking for work that is not really his fault) #2 a mean and hurtful thing to do. #3 something he would have to lie to me about. I never ever spend money on big things with out his permission. He does not think he needs permission to spend big because he makes the money and in his eyes we are not married anymore. WHAT!?!??! But yet, he can be frustrated and angry with me for getting a new phone.
I said some really nasty things and threatened him with even nastier things after he told me about this purchase he plans to make.
I did not talk to him again last night, which is tearing me up, but instead I called Germany. I had an hour long conversation with his "friend". At first I called out of anger. But as we talked I realized a few things and it is really weird to say that she did help me to understand somethings. I felt really bad for waking her. It was around 4:30am over there when I called. No matter what Chuck thinks about me calling her I am glad I did. My therapist may think it was unhealthy and irrational but I don't care. I know in my heart a couple of things. #1 I will not lay down my marriage with out a fight! #2 I needed to hear from this woman what this relationship is for her. #3 I need to do this for me. I can not stop the crazy feelings of abandonment, fear, confusion, and deep deep hurt, if I do not confront things head on.
I am angry! I am telling myself that it is OK to be angry. It is normal to be angry. I have tried to handle things in a friendly way until now. I would like to continue to handle things in a friendly way. But I can not do that alone. I can not be expected to just take the handfuls of bullshit and say thank you too!
I don't know anyone else who has gone through something like this. I do not know who to turn to. I wish I had someone/ anyone who could help me know what to do. More than that I wish I knew some way to stop my heart from breaking to pieces every time I hear his voice. I wish oh how I wish things were different. I wish I could just let him go. Maybe in time. But I fear if I hold on any longer it will only push him father away.

He will be angry that I am blogging this. Maybe I should just send it as an email, nah he won't read it. So that is it in a nutshell. I blog because it is the only way I feel heard. Even if no one responds I feel heard and uninterrupted.

I am so sad. I am not sure how long a person can survive being this sad. I could blame it all on him. After all he got me pregnant 4 times. He has a violent temper. He scares me. He is unfaithful. And the list can go on and on and on...but he is right that he does not make me sad. I am just sad. I fear I will never get my life back. I fear that this might beat me. I know I know people say I am a strong woman, but I am not! I am scared and alone two things that this "strong woman" cannot handle at all. Then you add the responsibility of raising four kids to that...well it is a wonder I get up in the morning at all.

Well, my time is up gotta get the day started. I would ask for prayers but not sure what if anything God can do to help me or even would do to help the likes of me.

Until next time...

Monday, October 12, 2009

A new day dawns...

We had a fun and exciting weekend! The kids did not have school on Friday so I took Emily over to G'Mom's house to spend the day and Zach, Matt, Jenna, Zach's friend and I all went to the park for several hours. It was a blast! Then I headed over to Mark's for some dinner and gaming. It was fun and I only had my two littlest ones and their cousin to watch so it was a great break. Then on Saturday evening all my kids went over to Chuck's cousin's house and spent the night. I had planned to go out and hear some local bands with Mark and Charlie but (surprise surprise) we decided to stay in and learn a new game. I am beginning to think my secret geek is coming out of the closet :) I so enjoy playing board games (OK really any games). We are always trying out games I have never heard of but they are usually pretty fun. We tried a game called Calyus on Saturday. Right now my favorite game is called Puerto Rico. I tend to be the one who finds a game and then only wants to play that game until it gets old. Good thing for me we have a pretty good group of folks who like to play as much as I do.

Anyway, I am still fighting off sadness through out my days and nights. I am still confused and wondering where this road I am on is going to lead. But I am trying really hard to keep myself distracted enough so that it all does not bother me too much. It is hard for me when I talk to Chuck these days cause I just don't know what to say to him any more. I know it is me. I know that if I wanted to talk he would probably listen but I keep thinking to myself what can he really say that will make me feel better. So, I keep it casual. Even though he is still the one I want to call as soon as something happens (good or bad). He is the last person I want to talk to before going to sleep and the first person I wish I could talk to when I wake up. I wish it were the same for him. Maybe it is. I don't really know what he is thinking or feeling these days. I don't really ask. I am trying so hard to make things as easy on all of us as possible. I am worried all the time about what I should or should not do and say. I want to give him his space yet I also want to be in his space. Pretty messed up I know. Blogging helps and so does talking to my best friend. Since he left a week ago my life has felt pretty isolated. I go over to Mark's, GMom's on Tuesdays and other than that I hardly talk to anyone (unless it is on Facebook). I feel like I am more alone that I have been in a long time. I am sure I could pick up the phone or go visit someone, but I don't really feel like it. I hate when people who know what is going on want to try to talk to me and make me feel better. It does not help. Sounds bad but I don't want anyone to tell me it is going to be OK. I don't really want most of the "crazy" advice people want to give me. And there are just certain people I can not tolerate who think that just because he is gone they should waltz back into my life, like I want that! Why do some people think that they can come to me and give me advice or say things like "You know I am here for you" when they are NEVER there for anyone but themselves! No, thanks I can handle it better with out your help. At least there will be less drama that way!
It is hard taking care of our kids by myself. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be any easier. I also wonder a lot about how long will I have to do this? Will it really be until they are all raised? I mean I do not believe that I can live with that. I have at least 16 more years to have kids in my house being taken care of by me. I am also realistic enough to know they don't actually leave at 18 years old so... I may have longer. Am I supposed to spend at least the next 16 years being the primary full time parent of four kids? Yes, I know the answer to that question is YES. But it is so scary! I mean if things never work out between Chuck and I how will I ever do this? I did not have all these kids to be raising them alone. In fact if you really want to know the truth this is one of my BIGGEST fears coming true. I never wanted to have any child and be on my own. Now, by on my own I mean: Me being the parent who is at home with them. I do not mean financially supporting them all by myself. I know that he will always support his kids. I know that he will not leave us stranded like that. But raising kids takes more than that. In fact sometimes I feel like earning the pay check has to be way easier than being at home with them. I choose to be at home, so don't think I am complaining, it is probably just a "the grass is greener" kind of thing. I don't know.
I want to go back to school for nursing. It seems as if this is an insurmountable task. Especially now that I am alone. I have no idea how all of this will work and I am so overwhelmed at the thought of it that I can hardly breathe.
I am trying to teach myself to dream again BUT my practical side of my brain is revolting. I am so practical about somethings that since I can see so many obstacles in my way, I can not begin to imagine how my dreams can come true. One of the things I have always loved so much about being with Chuck is that he is a dreamer and I am not. SO where I can totally manage things in today he has this awesome power to look ahead. He is not so good at the today part. So we balanced each other out. He has always been able to set goals and reach them. I can not even get to the setting goals part. Funny huh? Chuck has a vision for the future and I have a vision for the present it always seems to work out so well. Now who is going to help me see beyond today? A friend of his told me once that we were like a Yin and Yang. Total opposites that balance each other out. So, how did it all go so wrong? How do I stop hoping that I will still spend my life being in balance with him? How? How? How? See these are the things that are in my brain. This is the reason I can not talk to him about things that are more than casual. If I try to talk about these things then I am sure he will feel like I am holding on too tight. I want him to feel free so that he can sort through his own feelings and the decisions he has to make to be his best person. How do you love someone this much and have to be forced to let them go. I hate that saying "If you love something set it free" I hate hate hate that! But I do love him so, I must set him free. BUT HOW? I am doing the best that I can. People say I am doing better than most...doesn't really seem that way too me but I am trying.
Today is new day. My goal is to quit smoking. This is my first goal, on my own. I have been smoker for going on 10 years now and I hate it. So, since I know I quit each time I was pregnant, I can do this. I am worried about being grumpy. I hate being grumpy cause the kids do not need a grumpy Mommy right now. BUT if I can just get through the first part of this I will be healthier and happier. So I am doing it! Prayers would be helpful, thank you!

Until next time...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Never meant to hurt anyone...

Ah...I have had this blog for a couple of years now. It has served as MY place to say whatever I need to in order to sort my thoughts, share my world and just vent. I never imagined that it would hurt anyone. I never intended to offend. I have simply needed an outlet. I have felt that I could write the things that I can not say out loud. Is this wrong? Is it too much personal information to share with the world at large? I have no true idea who might come across these pages and read them. I have thought to myself that if some unknown person stumbled across this blog and they found a kindred spirit or encouragement during their own times of need, then maybe it is a good thing. I have always been a what you see is what you get kind of person. I like being open and honest with my thoughts. I like having other people know me and sometimes encourage me to keep on keeping on.
So, those of you who read this may be wondering "what is she talking about now?" I made a post here the other night when I had insomnia and needed to get all my thoughts out of my head. I posted a link to my facebook account because I have many wonderful friends who have known me a long time and are very encouraging to me. I wanted people who care about me to know what I was truly going through right now. I never thought about the content hurting someone. I am not even sure why it would. But my blog was read by someone who was in turn hurt by the things I wrote. And now I feel really bad about that. I went back and reread the post and I still don't understand why it hurt. I don't understand how I could be accused of slamming my husband. I was simply venting my feelings in what I thought was a safe place.
So, I have decided to make this blog a little more private. The last thing I want to do is hurt the ones I love. I still, however, need this outlet. I still need a place to write things down and get other's opinions etc... so if you are a follower of my blog or if you want to be a follower of my blog and you know me, then please send me a message and I will include you in the list of people who will be able to continue to read. If not that is OK. I will still write. I will still vent. I will still remain true to my needs. I will however try not to be hurtful in my own healing process.
OK, now that that is out of the way, I do have a few thoughts today, beyond the above mentioned stuff.
I am not as sad today as I have been. That is a good thing. I am coming to the conclusion that all of this turmoil in my life might be for a good reason. What if this is all God's way of drawing me back into a truly closer walk with Him? To be honest it has been really hard to pray or even seek out God in any way, for a long time now. Maybe that is what I really need to do. Lord knows I have the time now. BUT (and this is a big but) I am afraid. I am afraid to seek out God because, by history, every time I seek a closer walk with God the enemy tries to destroy me. I know I am not alone in this. I know that I am not uniquely attacked. I know that the enemy wants to destroy faith in all of God's children. But I am worn down to the bone. I am tired of fighting those spiritual battles. I have said before that I identify the closest with David from the Bible. David was a sinner. David made huge mistakes in his lifetime. Yet, the Bible describes David as a man after God's own heart. I understand that. I can identify with that. I am starving to death (in a spiritual sense. I have not fellowship with folks who believe like me in 3 years. I feel like I am living in the dessert. Wandering like the Israelites. I hope I do not wander for 40 years. I pray that I can find that hidden path and walk boldly through these trials in my life, with a sound assurance that God has my back. Because at this point I think God could be the only one who has my back. I pray that God will heal my marriage. I pray that God will lead me to the road he wants me to travel. I pray that I will have a heart that recognizes the still small voice that will guide me. I am not worthy but I am truly willing to follow. I want to find peace again. I want to feel loved and if God is the only one who can give that to me, then I will not fight against that.
God give me the strength and wisdom to know where I need to go.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I thought I would be asleep by now...guess not though. Sleep seems to be just beyond my reach tonite. I started to drift off a little while ago while reading so I turned out the lights and was instantly and totally awake with my thoughts. I went to therapy today. Well let me back up first and say that the past couple of days have been a bitter sweet mix if blessings and sadness. Chuck left for North Carolina on Sunday afternoon. I knew it was coming up and yet I was completely blindsided by the overwhelming emotions I experienced during the last 24 hours he was here. I guess I had been holding on to my feelings hoping he would be gone before anything significant hit me. It did not turn out the way I had hoped. I was a blubbering fool. I cried and cried and cried some more. I cried till 3am on Saturday/ Sunday. Then when we woke up Sunday I could not stop the tears again. Saturday night I finally admitted to myself (and to Chuck) that he had broken my heart. I am not sure I have ever truly had a broken heart before. I have never felt pain like this. I have never been more confused by someone else's actions and words before. I love my husband with all that is in my soul and yet some how have been able for the past few weeks to tell myself that I could move on and just be his friend now. That is not even possible for me to imagine right now. So, I went to therapy today...I sometimes hate going there. But at the same I know I need the help. So, my therapist tells me I can not work on my marriage right now. I need to make working on my marriage an off limits subject for me. She says it is because he is not working on himself. She agreed with my thoughts that this other woman he talks to is just a distraction and an infatuation. I want to contact this woman and tell her to leave my man alone but the therapist says that will mot accomplish what I want it too. She says that would be like me blaming the other woman. Well I do blame her. What kind of person gets involved with a married man and tries to be his new found "best" friend. I am supposed to be his best friend. He keeps telling me things like I love you. I will never stop loving you. I will always be here to support you and take care of your needs and the children's needs. All I here anymore is blah blah blah blah... I am so worn down. I am so sad. I am so tired of being left behind! I know I have abandonment issues. Gosh do I know that! But come on I am being abandoned. He went to NC for a job. Yes, that is noble for him to find work. Yes, I am thankful he was finally able to find work. But why would he leave. He says he knows he has anger issues. He can not live in the same house as me because he is afraid that he will not be able to stop his rage. I know there is a lot of pent up anger in him. I know he has worked hard for our family. But I have too. He tells me he misses the sweet girl he fell in love with. I told him that she is gone. You can not return innocence to someone. You can not unhurt the ones you have hurt. I have this crazy mess of unresolved feelings that plague me every minute of the day. The situation is making me crazy! Yet, here I am again, all alone in this house with four of the most amazing children. Who need so much from me and from him. I keep praying that he will find his way. He needs to get some help for his sake, my sake and our children's sake. I love this man so much. I know that our relationship is unhealthy. I just can not for the life of me figure out why I am not supposed to work on my marriage anymore! It seems to me that now is the time I should fight the hardest! Now is the time I should work with out rest. How come people think that marriage is so disposable? I do not understand. One thing that really hurts me is the fact that he broke a promise to me. He vowed to love me until the day we die and he promised to forsake all others! So why then can I not turn my back on him. He broke the promises not me. He is the one who wants a divorce. I just want my family back together and I want my husband back. The one who really loved me. The one who promised me the world.
So I have choices to make. Do I contact the other woman? Do I listen to the therapist and stop working on my marriage? I truly do not know what to do. I hate this! I really really hate this!

Until next time...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Everything changes...

Things are always changing. I have so much to think about these days that sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away. I never seen myself going through these kind of changes again. But this is where we are and nothing short of a miracle will change it. I guess I could back up and let all of you know that last Monday night my husband decided to "come clean" with me about the emotional affair he had while he was in Germany. He has adamantly refused to give up contact with the woman that he met there and so now there is no choice but for us to divorce. I know I am a weak person because I have it in my head that if he were just willing to work on our marriage (by going to therapy and giving up this other relationship) I would stay and work it out. Bad thing is he does not want to work it out. I am trying to handle all of this with grace, and honor. It is not easy!! Sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes I just want to run to him and hold him close and remind him how much I have loved him. I feel like I am breaking into a million pieces all the time. I have some goals but do not know how I will accomplish them and be a single mom to 4 kids. I am scared. I am confused and I am SO tired of crying. How is it that so many people can tell me I deserve better than this, yet, I can not convince myself that better is out there. I do not want to start over with anyone else. I can not see myself falling in love again. That makes me lonely. I can not remember ever feeling this lonely before. I want to go home to TN. Where I have friends and family who will love me and help me through all of this. The craziest thing of all is that since we decided to split up Chuck has been a friend to me. That is all I wanted while we were married. I wanted us to get along and be friends again and I guess for him it took giving up on our marriage to get there. It creeps me out how nice and supportive he is being. He is still staying here (until he gets a job) on the couch and that is harder than I though it would be. I know that in couple weeks when he physically leaves I am going to lose it all! I can not help that. I am glad I know it is coming. But at the same time I am freaking out inside about it. I hate being alone. I hate feeling the way I do right now. I feel like he gave up on us too easily and now I have a hard time believing in him to make good on his promises to take care of me and the kids. We have this plan that he will pay our bills and help me get through nursing school. I want to believe in that but I am afraid to give myself completely over to that hope. I am so tired of my dreams being destroyed by people who are supposed to love me. I am so afraid that it will never change for me. What if I never find someone who will love me for me? I do not want to be alone. Is it wrong to hope that when he is gone he will regret things and want to come back to our family? Is it wrong to hope beyond hope that reconciliation could happen someday. I have always felt like he was my soul mate and now I am lost with out him. What am I going to do???
I am so alone and lost I just wish someone could show me the way.

Until next time...

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I have had a busy and exciting weekend. Yesterday we went to my little niece's 5th birthday party. It was a blast. There were around 20 little kids all inside the house because it was raining buckets. The rain lasted just long enough for all the guests to go home. My kids an I stayed longer so we could enjoy some game time. We played Rockband on the Wii. It was hysterical. And then let the kids run wild while we played grown up board games. It was an awesome day. Chuck was home and I think he really enjoyed a day off. We did not make it home until around 10 o'clock and so I got the kids ready for bed. Since their little cousin was spending the night we had a huge pillow fight in the living room, Daddy even enjoyed the fun. We played for a little while, I was hoping to exhaust them so they might sleep late this morning. The plan did not work though. They were so excited to be having a sleepover that the girls woke up early to play. After bed time last night, Chuck surprised me by dancing with me in the living room. We have not done that in years. Twice last night he pulled me into a dance as the Eagles played on the ipod. It was totally unexpected to say the least. After our conversation on Friday, I get the feeling he is having second thoughts about splitting up. I let him come home (to sleep on the couch) on Friday night. Some how by Saturday morning I woke to find him snuggled next to me in bed. And again this morning I found him and Jenna snuggled in my bed with me. I am cautious about letting us slip back into a familiar routine. I think he is as well. There are so many things to work out. But it does give me hope and peace to see him making little efforts to be kind and even romantic. I am worried about our situation all the time. Not knowing what direction we will be going in the future is hard for me. But I am trying to focus mainly on the here and now. All I have is today. So I am trying spend it wisely. I am so thankful for the prayers of my friends. I can see the hand of God working. I am not trying to be ultra spiritual about all of this. I can just tell that the peace I feel is not of this world so it must be a gift from God. My goal is to just stay out of the way and let God do what ever it is He has planned.
So, today I know that not all hope is lost and that there is a spark of faith there that may be blown into a full flame if given the right conditions.
Until next time...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

at the end of the day...

Blogging may become my renewed outlet. I go in phases you know. Sometimes I really need to be able to just put things out here and get them off my chest.

Like I said earlier, today has been strange. Chuck has been ultra helpful. Weird considering we have decided to end our marriage. I think he is trying to prove to me that he will make good on his promises to take care of me and the kids. Emotionally I have not even let myself really feel anything yet. I think I am afraid. So, my reaction is to be detached. It worked out OK today. Not sure that game plan will work everyday. We have six months to figure out how all of this will work out before we can actually file for divorce. Then I have no idea how long it will take after that for everything to be final. Neither one of us wants to fight over anything anymore. So I guess that is a plus. I can't help but wonder if I will end up getting the crappy end of the stick when all this is said and done. But I try to tell myself not to think negative thoughts. I also (hate to admit that) I think maybe before it is officially over maybe we will come back together again. That is a LONG shot for sure. I am not sure that I really even want that. There have been so many hurts over the years and so many broken promises. I am sure I have let him down but I am not really clear on the how and whys.
Trust is a sensitive thing. My trust in him is so broken that I have a really hard time looking at him with out thinking to myself that he is probably lying to me. That was the thing that did it in the end for me. I can not stand people who lie. I told one big lie, one time and it cost me my life as I knew it. Since then my mantra has been to always tell the truth NO MATTER the consequences. I can tell you that this is not an easy thing. But I have been honest to a fault since that event (10 years ago). So, for me to find out I was living and sharing my life with some who lies so easily and hides things from me was devastating. I have spent the past couple of months trying to find a way to get past it and forgive him. It is really difficult to forgive someone who continues to be dishonest though. At some point one has to make a decision. I made my decision based on many factors. One being that I can not look at him the same anymore. Another is the fact that I never want to loose the respect of my children. I don't want him to loose the respect of our children either. That is one area where I can say he excels. He is an excellent Daddy. He really loves them and wants the best for them. He takes lots of time to explain things to them. He is gentle (mostly) with them. I never want to destroy him in their eyes, for their sake. It is really hard to manage all the different aspects of my feelings in the current set of circumstances.
So, today was harder because he wanted to help me so much. It makes me love him for that. Which is very confusing because aren't people going through a divorce supposed to hate or at least strongly dislike each other? I have a lot of questions. I am not sure they will ever be answered in a satisfactory way. I am not even sure how to ask most of them. How will I ever make it through this trial? I had several friends tell me today that God does not give us more than we can handle. I just want to laugh at that! I am not even sure God gave me this. It seems to me that Chuck and I have made a ROYAL mess of things, not God. I want to put the blame somewhere, but I don't think that any of this is God's fault. My faults are that I have let life overwhelm me to the point of depression. I let myself be trapped in feeling sorry for myself and complaining all the time about how this is not how it was all supposed to be. Who am I to know what was supposed to be?
Chuck told me a few days ago that he feels like he needs to be on his own so he can make the changes he needs. He feels like he needs to be responsible for himself. He actually said that not having me to take care of him and make excuses for him will make him a better man. I do not understand that at all. I thought a wife's job was to take care and coddle and shower love and affection on her mate. I guess we just have different views on what a marriage is. I also thought a marriage should be between just the two of us. But it seems he has found another to confide in. To await conversations with. Someone who fills a need that I have been cut off from even knowing about. I do not understand unfaithfulness. Even when it is just an emotional bond and nothing physical. I wish...well I don't even know what I wish. I guess I wish that life would just be a little easier, for a little while anyway.
So, I will continue my therapy. Wondering always if I will someday be the strong person that everyone tells me I already am. I do not feel strong. I feel weak and helpless and confused and scared and alone. I do not do alone very well. I pray that my strongest weakness does not become my biggest trial. I told Chuck that I would rather be alone because he is away working on the road than to be alone in the same house with the man I was supposed to spend my life with.
How do you stop loving the father of your children? How do you look at them everyday and see so much of him in them and it not rip your heart out? How do I pick up all the shattered pieces of my life and move on, when all I ever wanted was a happy healthy marriage? How do I ever trust anyone again with my heart?
OK I really must stop now before I fall to pieces!

Until next time~

Today is the strangest day I have ever had. Really no exaggeration! Let me back up a minute so you will understand. For months now I have been going to weekly therapy. It has been extremely helpful to me. I have learned a lot of things and feel stronger in some ways than I ever have before. I was initially afraid to go because I do not like new things and I thought maybe my counselor would tell me to get out of my marriage. I do not believe in divorce. I know I have been divorced once before but I truly do not believe in divorce. I have felt trapped in an uncertain situation for quite a long time. If you know me well then you have probably (at some point) told me to get out while I still can. Well, yesterday I made the decision! I am getting out of this marriage. I can not allow myself to be hurt like this any longer. I have no desire (right now) to smear him or make him look bad in any way. The love I have had for him all these years is truly deep and everlasting. I have the four greatest gifts I could have ever asked for, my children.
So, what makes today so strange? It is the relative peace and ease with which we have decided to split. After 8 years of heated fights that have sometimes turned to violence and name calling and every form of humiliation and degradation, now at the end we are amicable. I have wondered often over the years if this is what it would take for him to respect me. I think that little voice in my head/heart was right.
I have decided that my happiness is worth pursuing. I deserve it. I need it and I want it.
So, even though I grieve what might have been, I am looking forward to new horizons and brighter days. At least if nothing else we will have peace in our home.
I do not know what I will do about a lot of things. My goal is to take it all one day at a time and see where the road leads me. I really want to go back to school and maybe now is as good a time as any.
Maybe it is shock or maybe just relief but I keep thinking to myself that this is all so weird. I am not having second thoughts but maybe a little grief is starting to creep in. SO, I will just keep myself as busy as I can.

Gotta go now before my tears make it impossible to type. If you are the praying sort then please remember me and my family in yours.

Until next time...

Saturday, September 5, 2009

My little update

After reading an old classmates blogs yesterday I have felt a strong desire to update my own blog...LOL. It has been a couple of months and I am sure some of you are wondering (if you have not forgotten about me already) what has been going on. So, I am sending out my little electronic update. :)

Last time I blogged I had just returned home from Germany. I was so full of hope for the future. I still am just not in the same way. Chuck came home at the end of June. The lay off came a little sooner than I had hoped. But there was much rejoicing at his homecoming and in the weeks that followed. Our marriage has taken on a new direction and the challenges (on most days) seem to be surmountable. We have learned to battle things out in a different and new way. The days of screaming, fighting and basically destroying each other are over. We have committed ourselves to a "walk away" when you are too mad to talk game plan, and it seems to be working. One thing that has been especially enlightening to me has been the idea that not every disagreement HAS to be solved right then and there. I am learning the art of setting aside my need for immediate closure. Letting something go (for now) and picking it up later when the two of us can be calm and rational is not my strong suit. BUT I am learning.
This summer has been filled with so many trials. Yet, through it all my focus has been to be thankful for what I do have. I am trying to be very positive even in the face of trouble. My most recent personal goal has been to find my true self. I know at 33 years old I should really already know who I am. But honestly I feel as id I have reinvented myself so many times in my life that I do not truly know who I am. This is a huge challenge to me because I feel as though I can not teach my children to value themselves if I am unsure of myself. Part of the reason I am on this quest has to do with my children and part of it has to do with several people who have made the comment to me that I am not the same person I used to be. This is true. Not all changes in me have been negative, but some have. I had an old friend tell me recently that I seemed to be a really sad girl (back in high school). I was surprised at his observation. I remember being mostly happy or seeming to be mostly happy in those days. But after looking back at myself in the mirror of my memory I can see that I have been sad in many ways through out my life. I think I used to hide it better but it was always there. Therapy for the past 11 months has helped a lot. If you had asked me a year ago if I thought therapy was useful I would have answered no. But I do believe that if you can find the right therapist for you, it definitely is a great tool to use. So, I go once a week and I pour my heart to my therapist and I feel better when I leave. It is nice.
Shame and sadness are two pitfalls I am trying desperately to avoid in my life. For the first time I realize that life really is too short. It seems cliche to say but it is so true. I am watching my babies grow so fast. It seems unreal that Chuck and I have been parents for seven years. Where did the time go?
I have two in school this year! Yay me! School started last week and it was one of the best weeks I have ever had. Not that I don't love my children with all my heart and soul, but I really love having just two at home during the day. All of my chores are easier and I get the added bonus of enjoying my toddler and preschooler more thoroughly.
Chuck's layoff has been longer than we anticipated but some how we are surviving. He will hopefully be back to work in a couple of weeks. He will probably have to travel again, but this time there will be no ocean between us.
So, as we head into the beauty of the fall season I am renewed and refreshed. I am empowered to believe that all things will work out for the good. I am encourage to know that each of us walks a difficult path yet, we can draw strength and encouragement from one another. Life is definitely worth the living especially when the lessons have been hard learned.

Until next time....

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I am home from my trip to Germany. For all intents and purposes I think it went really well. I got the much needed rest I was looking for. It was not a trip of sightseeing and various activities. It was trip for rest and reconnection. I feel like I accomplished a little of both. By no means is marriage completely repaired that will take much more time than one week. But it was so nice to see him. I realized several things while I was there. I realized that we are BOTH responsible for the mess that our relationship is in. For quite sometime now I have personally been blaming him for all of our troubles. It has been easier than one would think. I realized that I have not given him the respect he deserves for the things he does everyday for his family. I got to see exactly how difficult things are for him and all the other men who are there working for their families. I went thinking that I needed to remind him of the reasons he had for being there. Yet, some how I came home with a renewed respect and deeper love for the man who has given me the life that I so easily complain about. I have resolved with in my own heart to be a better wife. Less nagging, more encouraging. Less complaining, more appreciation. I learned a lesson in how not to fight. One thing that I have never been willing to take responsibility for is the fact that when we fight I do not give in. I have refused to walk away. I have always felt an overwhelming need to stand in his face and demand a resolution to the situation. I realize now that those actions don't get me the resolution I am looking for. All those actions get is an angry response to being back into a corner. The most important thing that I do not want to forget is that a fight does not HAVE to be resolved instantly. I can walk away or he can walk away and there will be time later to discuss more calmly what our differences are. I truly hope I am not too late. I hope I can practice these new ideas. I hope that it is not too late. I want more than anything to be able to move forward in our relationship. I hope I was not too foolish for too long. I hope that the changes that need to be made will have the chance to begin. I think they will. I trust that this man is worth the wait. What I found in Germany was my husband. He is broken down. He is living a very difficult situation. He is struggling just like me to get things right. I hope that beyond the distance we will be able to reach out to each other and walk this path together.
We need to dream together again. I feel a renewed sense of urgency to help him achieve his dreams. I want to be a wife that he is proud of. I want to have a life together that he is proud to have earned for us. I lack many skills when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I lack much in the way of self discipline. I lack in so many ways. I am determined to look at things in a more realistic way. I am determined to not allow my emotions to direct me. I have lived by emotions for so long that I know it will be a challenge to change my way of thinking. But I can do it. In Germany I found a renewed sense of power. I realized that so often I make him choose for us. Upon examination of this process I realized that so often I must do that so I will not have to take the blame when something goes wrong. That is not respect. My counselor told me a couple of weeks ago that "You get what you give. And that goes both ways" I am truly truly remorseful that for awhile now what I have given has not been loving nor kind. How could I have expected anything different in return? I pray with all that is in me that I am not too late to repair the damage. I hope that a change in my actions and attitudes can produce a long awaited change in our relationship. It is completely humbling to admit that I am just as much a problem in this relationship as he is maybe more so. I have failed in my job as a wife. But I pray that with this newly discovered information, I will be able to work hard to restore my relationship with the man that I love. I love him with all that is in me. I love him for everything he is, was and will become. He is the one person I can not imagine a life without him as my partner. I want to get to the point of forging a renewed partnership together. At the end of the road he is who I want standing beside me. It will take work. I am sure there will be times that I will stumble, maybe even fall. But in this life I need him. So I will resolve to love him through this time and all others to come.

I found that on this trip no matter what you have to take care of yourself, then your family. I am going to take care of myself, my husband and my children. If there is time left over for friends and extended family then great if not I hope they understand where and why my priorities are.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

My crazy spontaneous trip across the world

It has been so long since I posted anything on here. Since I have a lot of free time right now and quiet I thought why not post an update. So here is a little glimpse into my life. 

The past two months have been such a roller coaster! I am still going to my therapy sessions every week and it has helped me so much but like anything it takes a lot of work. I am so blessed to have good people in my life to support me and help me through the dark days. Recently the dark days have been more than I would like. In therapy/ counseling I am faced with the challenges of self examination. I am so determined to beat the depression that has taken a hold in my life. I am learning so much about myself. I can not wait for the day to come when I have uncovered the true source of my pain and discontent. It seems to me that all this digging has to lead somewhere. All the while I am still taking care of my children and husband as best as I can. It has been so exhausting that this past weekend I did something I have NEVER done before. I book a spontanious flight to Germany to visit my husband. Many people in my life can not understand why I did it. To be honest I am shocked that I actually made it on the plane and came here to Germany! It seemed like an impossible thing to do. I am fighting back the guilt over asking my friends and family to take responsibility for my children. The guilt steals some of the joy I would like feel. I got a call an hour or so ago from my friend (who has the kids) letting me know that my oldest is behaving REALLY badly. My first response was that I made a mistake, I should have stayed home. Yet I know in my soul that I needed to come here to to fight for my marriage. It seems like an extreme thing to do. Many people I know do not understand why I would even fight for this relationship at all. Most people I know believe the answer is a divorce. It makes me really sad to think that divorce is the only answer people see now to fix a broken relationship. I am very aware that our relationship is in great jeopardy. I am fully aware that one week away with him will not solve all of our problems and that we may not make it through this at all. BUT I had to try. I could not live with myself if I did not at least try to reconnect and rekindle what we have. This year has been so very hard on us. Time and distance are not our friends. Living on two different continents in different time zones with different responsibilities makes it really hard for two people to remember what it is that they have and what is and is not worth fighting for. So I flew over here to remind him that his children and I are real. That our love is real. That our marriage is real. And that all these things are worth it to fight for. He is worth it to me, even if no one else sees that. I have to tell myself that this is my marriage! This is MY family and I have to take whatever steps I need to, to make sure I keep it. Chuck and I have spent so much time away from each other that we have lost sight of each others needs, desires, and dreams. I am glad I came to Germany. I think so far it is helping me to see how he lives. To connect with what goes on for him. To experience what is like to miss our children. I am one of those people who has a great empathy for others but sometimes I need to experience what they feel to know how to give support. He and I have spent the past year or so try to make each other "pay" for the hurts we have felt in our relationship. We have nearly destroyed our faith in each other. It has been a two way street in that regard. I can not blame him for all of our problems. I too have had a role to play. It is time for the games to stop and the relationship to grow again. I know one thing for sure when I do get back home I will have much more understanding for his situation. I am hoping that he will be able to have the same appreciation for mine. I also know that if this trip does not accomplish a reconciliation then I will survive the consequences. If I had not made this trip I would forever wonder what if... So here I am relaxing. I really really needed a break. I am finally getting it. And even though the children are not behaving as well as I would like I know my friend is a strong woman and our friendship is strong enough to let this happen. Another good friend told me to just go. Let whatever happens at home be there and to enjoy myself so I am trying. Today has been very surreal. I have jet lag really bad so I dosed in and out of sleep. I have read a lot. I took a long hot bath. I am enjoying the silence. I have not even turned on my ipod or tv. Silence is golden. For the few minutes I was on the phone I remembered why I needed my break. The kids were all being loud and my friend sounded so over worked. I knew right then that I was right. As bad as I feel for her taking care of my babies, I knew that if I had not come the inevitable nervous break down that has been looming over me for months was going to happen. It may very well be the most selfish thing I have ever done. Everyone keeps telling me to do what is good for me so I am. 

I am trying to figure myself out. I am trying to be the best person I can be. I am trying to get to the bottom of my issues. It sometimes feels very overwhelming. It sometimes feels impossible. I have faith that I will come through all of this with a better understanding of myself and therefore a I will be able to face the challenges in my life in a better and more productive way. Right now the only things that matter to me are that my children are safe and happy and my relationship with their father is on the mend. Everything and I do mean everything else has to take a back seat for awhile. Just until I am strong enough to take on those challenges. It is weird for me to express that thought because I am the one who is always picking up the pieces for everyone else. So now I guess it is my turn to let someone help me pick up the pieces of my broken life. 

I have what they call post traumatic stress disorder. It stems from several traumas that I have experienced over a period of years. The problem for me is that each event that was traumatic to me created a response in me that made me hide it away. I have spent years and years burying things inside of myself and putting on a smile to face the world. So when this depression (that I have shared in previous blogs) came upon me I was blind sided. I had never experienced anything like this. I did not have any skills to deal with it and it has very nearly killed me. I have never in my life let myself truly experience the pain so that I could deal with the real problems. So now I am grown and have a family and so much responsibility and the stress has created this kind of explosion within me. I am utterly unable to bury anything and just move on anymore. I am experiencing all of the past pain and creating an environment for new pain to consume me. Therapy helps me to dump it all out so that I can look at it and decide what to tackle. The hardest thing lately has been being without my husband. I do not like being alone. I have never had to be alone. Being the oldest of eight children, being married, having my own four children, alone is not something I have had to deal with before. It is not that I am physically alone either. I am just emotionally alone. I am finding out that I have created this feeling for myself because I have always refused to let anyone into my life to help me. I have always tried to maintain an attitude of control so that no one would be able to see how out of control I felt. I played a good role for a number of years and now it is as if that part of me broke and I can not keep all of this inside anymore. Letting people help me is not easy for me. I feel a great sense f guilt over needing the help in the first place. Apparently healthy people do not feel this way. So I am trying to get past it and let people help me. But with letting people help I also have to balance it out by helping myself. Taking time for me. Doing things only for me. This is a totally foreign concept to me because I spent so much of my life doing for others. From the time a I was a small child I helped with my brothers and sisters. I had a lot of responsibility. It happens in big families. I have finally let go of the anger I felt toward my parents for that. It is just something that happens in large families and I can not mourn it any longer. It helped to make me who I am. The flash backs and night terrors I get on regular basis have helped wear me down physically as well as emotionally. I have felt so tired lately that the depression has surfaced with a vengeance. That is probably a huge factor in how I ended up in Germany this week. All I could think of was that I needed rest and the only way I knew how to get it was to be close (in proximity) to my husband. I needed someone to hold on to. Someone who I know loves me. He needed me to come here because he also needed to feel loved again. 

We are going to have to find a way to end this nightmare of him chasing a paycheck around the world. We are going to have to find a way for us to live together full time. If we don't figure that out I know our marriage will not survive and I am not so sure that I will be ok if that happened. So here I am. I feel better for having written all of this down. I feel better for having come here. I feel better for having been able to get some sleep with out any bad dreams. The next four days are going to go by so quickly. I will not allow myself to waste this trip. Rest and reconnection is what I needed and that is what I am getting. 

So until next time (which maybe sooner that usual since I am loaded with free time) take care and be blessed! 

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The path less traveled may be where you find the best treasures...

So it is that easy, you pray and then poof you feel better? Well actually yes, if it is done with the right heart. So I have been in one constant conversation with God for two days now. OK so Farm Wife was right I do have faith. I have just been unwilling to be obedient. Ouch! How is that for honesty with myself? I am thinking that this is scary for me. But maybe it was not God who let me down. Maybe (just maybe) it was people and myself. If that is truly the case then I need to humble myself before God and give Him back the control of my life. SCARY!! But I think maybe that is the only way I will truly find myself. I have been torturing myself with questions of identity and worth. I am plagued by shame and guilt. I am all alone. So as my counselor said today: What do you have to lose? I of course felt a little defensive about that question. Only because couldn't she see it in all of my crying sessions with her that I already lost everything once before. Then it hit me. I lost everything yes, it shattered my life yes, it sucks big time yes, BUT that was not God's plan for my life. That was not what He intended for me. I have punished myself for a very very long time. Nobody would punish me the way I have. So, I am determining today, to start renewing my relationship with my savior! Pray for me! I am going Church shopping. I am praying that God will lead me where he wants me to be. It may not be an easy path but I think with His help I can walk it. It has got to be better than what I have been doing on my own. It's just another step, right? But some how it all feels different. New path? Maybe. Or it could be that it is an old familiar path, grown over by weeds, in need of a great deal of TLC.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Are you serious, God?


I am sitting in my living room, all alone, checking facebook, wondering if any more old friends have reach out through cyberspace to reconnect with me. I am wondering "OK God what is this? Is this an intervention miracle style? And why why is my past so there and in my face? Must I really go through even more pain to get...where? Where is all of this leading?" Yep, there you have it! I was praying just then. OK so I am rusty at it. So, that answers one question I have been asking myself lately. I must still have faith or else why would I think God had anything at all to do with it? That all said I was checking facebook. I have recently found a new appreciation for facebook. It is so fun to find a long lost friend...or to be found is pretty great too. I have been in the midst of my own great depression for too long now. I keep calling it a journey. But I have been really unsure of where I am going. I am terrified almost all of the time. But I don't know why I am scared. None of it makes much sense to me. I have felt as if my hopes and dreams have been crushed. I have felt an overwhelming sense of fear. A fear that comes on me from no where and consumes with wave after wave of irrationality. I have been to four different therapist in nine years. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The first guy to tell me that was a cretin who called himself a man of God. His brand of therapy to help me heal from a excruciatingly painful and divorce, from a husband I had shared a ministry with, involved way too much "touch" therapy for me to deal with. Another therapist I sought the counsel of was an old family friend who tried to help me understand that if I buried my issues they would come back to haunt me. He begged me not to minimize the impact of my divorce upon myself because it would wound me deeply if I did not deal with it. But I in all my lack of wisdom ignored that counsel because I was way too sure of myself to let him be right. So I moved on and when life got a little rough again I sought out counseling. This time I thought it was because I was pregnant with my 4th child SURPRISE!!!! And I was falling apart emotionally. And all of a sudden it seemed like maybe all those things I tried to put behind me were creeping in on me. Slowly at first...well in all truth they were always with me. I was just losing the battle to suppress the sadness, the regret, the fear, the anger, and the rejection. You see, when I married my first husband I believed in happily ever after. I believed that if a person said they loved you they must really mean it. I believed I was called by God to be his wife. When I said those vows 12 years ago, it was a sacred vow between myself and my God and my husband. I knew that! I knew it was a forever promise. I never broke that promise. I fought that divorce with everything I had. I look back now I and I wonder why did I do that? He did not want me. Probably never did want me. So why did I want him? He hurt me. He hit me. He broke my spirit and yet I held on. Why? Because I made a promise. I loved God. I knew I was called by him. I knew that our ministry was blessed because of that calling. And because my whole life I had been waiting to be right there married to him ministering to those who needed God's love in their lives. Reaching out to kids who needed to know God's love. When he and I got divorced my life was devastated. There is no other word to describe the pain and despair I felt. I was so lost. I was so confused. I lifted my marriage up everyday in prayer. I trust in my God to keep it safe. I trusted in God's divine plan for my husband and I. So, when it was over my life was over. Really I mean it. That is not some melodramatic "oh whoa is me..." crap. Here is an example of what I mean. My ex husband left me on a Sunday morning while I was ironing my dress for Sunday school (which we taught by the way). He called our church and told the Senior Pastor that he was done and he was leaving me. And he did. He came back a day or so later. Said he loved me, made love to me, beg me not to go on a business training trip for my job. He knew I had to go on that trip it was an expensive training my company had already paid for. I begged him to come along and share my hotel room. But he didn't. The next afternoon somebody pulled me out of training because I had an emergency phone call from my pastor. My ex was in the hospital. The pastor, a deacon, the sheriff, and maybe one other person had found him at home unconscious. That's all they told me. I must have called that hospital a hundred times on my 2 hour long road trip back home. I did not know anything. Was he dead? Why? I prayed and prayed and prayed! I asked God with all my heart to please let him be OK. I beat myself up for leaving him. I knew he was hurting. I knew he said he needed me. But I was afraid that pretty soon we might need me to work. I could not blow that job. Maybe I should have. But at the time I couldn't. When I finally got to the hospital his parents were there at first I was so relieved! But then they would not let me see him. I was told he had given himself alcohol poisoning. There was much much more to the story than I care to mention. Even more lurid details came to me everyday. I did what I needed to do when I went to our Senior Pastor and spoke with him about intimate details of our personal life. I wanted my husband to be helped. I wanted him to heal. I was so ill equipped to deal with alcoholism, addiction, and depression. I was the girl who was rarely sad. I did not understand people who could not shake the blues. My outlook was always to have faith God would work things out. So I waited on my miracle. When it didn't come in the form I wanted it to I chastised myself for being selfish. Then a really unexpected thing happened. Suddenly I was not an acceptable member of the church to minister to the youth. In fact I was asked to serve in another capacity. Some place away from teaching, youth, drama, pretty much everywhere I served. I could however still sing in the choir if I wanted to. When I married my ex I became pretty isolated from my friends. His friends became our friends. So when we got a divorce they became his again. And still for a very very long time I just wanted him to get better. I wanted him to find out what God was trying to show him. I wanted the best for him. When our divorce was final I think that is when I got angry. I did things right. I was a good girl. I have always been a pretty honest person. For the first time in my life I was truly all alone. For a little while I really focused on learning and growing in my relationship with God. But the pain I felt was raw so real. I started to think that I was fooling myself. Maybe all those people out there who are partying and living it up, maybe they have the right idea. It felt weird at first. I hated going to clubs. I don't like the taste of alcohol but I drank it anyway. I even tried drugs. I mean why not I did it the other way and it did not work out for me. I decided to say forget it to everything I was and recreate myself. Now that was not a decision I sat down and thought about and said Hell Yeah let's do it. No it was more like a gradual thing. First I had to get a job in a bigger city. Then I started meeting people who did not know me because of a ministry. I was just a single girl who was really naive. I took one step at a time away from God. I turned my back on him in little tiny ways, then in small ways, then in bigger ways. I practiced at it so much that I started to change. I see that when I look in the mirror. Most days now a stranger looks back at me. So, now there is this great depression looming over me. And tonight I checked facebook. Oh wait! You gotta also know that in October when I had my first anxiety attack (in church) it was because I was on facebook the night before and was looking at a friend's list of friends and for the first time in 8 years I seen his face. There he was big as day in her friends list. It kind of seems like something broke in me right then and there. Because here I was trying to get back into church. Trying to find my way with God again and BAM! I am still reeling from it. Now you see why I am in counseling, again. So, tonight, I received a message from an old friend who married my ex's best friend. I have never in my life been more touched by a note before. To preface, last night I was sad. Very very sad. I mentioned that I was said in my status bar on facebook. Immediately this friend who I had just reconnected with sent me an encouraging note. Then she entered into prayer for me. Me someone she has not laid eyes on in at least nine years! Me...unworthy, unlovable, ME! OK so I am having trouble processing why she would care about me. But she did. So I sent her a note this morning to thank her. And her reply back to me is so overwhelming. I could not see the words through my tears. Not only because I need to know what she said but because God reached out to me through the screen on this computer and gave me a glimpse. I am so moved beyond words I am moved. I could not even begin to respond to her note until I came to this blog and poured enough out to continue. Kind of like a pressure release valve on a pressure cooker. I am trying to ease the pressure some. I have to take a step. I have to either move toward God or not. But I have a sense that my choice here may be the determining factor in me beating this depression I am in or not. So I hope it is OK to say I am going to give God another shot at it. This time I am going to heal but I am going to try to let God do that for me. I need to let go and let God do it. Maybe just maybe I will be whole again. Please pray for me. I am scared. I am praying for peace to come into my life. I am asking God to restore me to the woman he created me to be. I am asking Him to heal my pain so that I may serve Him again. I can not believe I am saying all this. But I have never felt anything more strongly.
And so I take another step on my journey....
Until next time...

Friday, February 6, 2009

The light

I am reveling in a feeling of peace! I know different than the other night. I am embracing joy. Trying to feel as much of it as possible. Knowing that it may be a fleeting feeling. My emotions cover such a range. It almost amazes me. Almost, because I realized last night that I have lived with this depression all my life. I never knew that before. Or maybe I should say I never recognized it before. When I was young I would write poetry (ok none of it was good, but I got to get my feelings out). I always felt like I was melodramatic as a kid. I never felt like anyone understood me. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Don't get me wrong there were times in my life when I felt utterly accepted and truly loved. It is hard for me to remember what it was that made me feel loved and accepted. When I was in school (grade school) I always felt like everyone else was better than me. Maybe it is because my family was so different. We had six children and we were very poor. That is hard on a kid, especially because other kids can be so cruel in their teasing. As I got older I realized that those kids who used to tease me grew up in the same place as I did. NONE of them were any better than me. In fact truth be told I made it out of there and most of them did not. So that is something huh? But every once in a while I hear there taunting comments ring through my brain and I wonder.... Then there was High School! OMG!!! I would never ever go through that again! I hated High School. I never found my niche. I tried sports. I like playing the games, hated the team mates who seemed to pick on me relentlessly. I was too lazy to excel academically. I always seemed to make friends with the least popular people in the school. I always rooted for the underdog. I hated discrimination whether it was because of the color of ones skin or because of their station in life. I always found myself connecting to those who were wounded. Looking back maybe that was because I was wounded as well. So, what caused me to be a wounded spirit? I can't remember anything really bad ever happening to me. So why the damage and baggage that is following me everywhere? I don't know. It drives me crazy because I think that if I could just identify what went wrong then I could maybe fix it or figure out how to move forward. Counseling is helping. I am learning to listen to the voice that is deep inside of me. I am learning to trust myself. College was the most glorious time of my life! I LOVED LOVED LOVED it! I made friends that seemed so genuine, so true, so accepting of me. I messed that all up though. When I got married to the wrong person for the VERY wrong reasons. I lost everyone!!! None of those people stayed in touch. I was disposable to them. I needed their friendships way more than they needed mine. Socially I was fulfilled while in college. I was growing spiritually. I thought I was on the "right" path. When I got married I still believed in "happily ever after". I still believed that things always work out for the good. I still believed in an ultimate plan. Twelve years later, a divorce, a career, dating, remarriage, 4 children, heartache, heart break, moving more than 12 times, realizing that friendships are fleeting, I do not believe in any of those things anymore. That makes me so sad! I am scared to admit that out loud. Maybe lightning will strike (again). Maybe I will be punished for my lack of faith. Faith is a funny thing. See I always thought I had a gift of Faith. It just came so easily for me. I just knew what I knew and in my heart Faith was strong! My life seemed to reflect that. And BAM! It was all gone! I did all the "right" things. I made a few genuine mistakes. Mistakes that changed the course of my life forever! You can't take them back. You can't change the past. I know that. I know the really I only have right now this minute...nothing else is certain. And right now in this minute I want to change the direction of my life again. I want to shape it into something extraordinary! I want to be a person that makes a difference. I want to be happy and helpful and needed. So how do I get there? Unable to change the past but desperate to change the future. So I am blogging. Maybe it will help me. But even more importantly maybe it will help someone else. I know that I am not the only person going through this. I know there are others. All of us for different reasons. All struggling to find the meaning in it all. So this is my little slice of the pie. I am offering it up so that maybe someone else will not have to suffer as much. I know I will make it through this. I am going to be happy again. But this time it will be real. It will be mine and I will know why all these years have been so difficult.

So, today I am enjoying the light! I am feeling the joy. I am loving my journey....yes, I did say loving. With out all of the troubles we would never be able to find value in the joy nor the pain. So today I am finding the value!

Until next time...


Friday, January 30, 2009

I never knew how to be me

Sitting here tonight surfing the net, aimlessly looking at Myspace and Facebook, I thought to myself I do have a severely neglected blog to tend to. So here I am thinking how long has it been? Too long that is for sure. I decided a long time ago that this blog was my place. My place to be me. My place to find me. So maybe it was with the beginning of this blog that I started out on an unexpected journey. So here I am to update my progress (or lack thereof).
We had a good and busy holiday season this year. December turned into January and January is now turning into February. Where is the time going? Every morning I am caught off guard by another day. It sounds strange I am sure but true. I feel like life is running in hyper drive and I am barely hanging on.
So back to the journey. *Bear with me while I ramble*
I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately. I feel like I need to write them down for a little order and direction.
Does everyone go through periods of self examination and feel like they measure up short?
Knowing that every person has a past full of things better left unsaid, why does my past haunt me so much?
How does a person know how to "be true to yourself"?
What does be true to yourself mean?
Is it good enough to just make it through everyday?
What do I want to be when I grow up?
How come I am unsure of who I am?
Why do some people get all the breaks?
Why do I have such a bad memory?
When will I feel right again?
Did I ever feel "right"?
You see, this is what goes on in my head. I am confused about a lot of things. I have always thought that I would figure things out someday but I am starting to wonder if that is possible. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I love my husband. I am satisfied to be a mom. I am satisfied to be a wife. But beyond that do I have an identity? And if so what is it? People are always telling me to do things for just me. Spend time on you. Do something you like to do. You get the picture. Yet when I sit and think what do I like? I draw a blank. I say well, I like to read. And I do. I like to spend time with friends. I like to do things for people I care about. I like to think I could be a creative genius (if only I could find the one thing I am good at). I realized recently that I have forgotten how to dream. Or maybe I have suppressed that part of me. I don't see a clear vision of the future. Is that because I have had so many disappointments? How will I teach my babies to dream if I can't? I feel an immense amount of (self induced) pressure to figure it all out. I am scared all the time. I feel lost and alone a lot. I know that I am pushing away the ones who love me, yet I can't stop. I want to retreat away from the world. Yet, that is impossible since my kids have to have a life. Do other mom's feel like running away? I tried that once this past summer. It did nothing but compound my problems even more. Instead of resolving anything it just opened a dam. My life is flooded with fear, doubt, sadness, and self loathing. I started counseling a while back. I did not attend any appointments throughout the holidays. Maybe that was a mistake. But I have a great therapist who talked me into coming back. I find it strange that I reveal things to her that I never intend to. I rehearse how I think each appointment will go. I think of what thing I really want to talk about. I play it all out in my head before I ever get there. Then I show up and BAM! I start spilling my guts! What's up with that? Is that a true sign that I want this therapy thing to really work this time? Or sign that I am truly on the edge of a nervous breakdown? Both are true but it is the latter that directs me. In the past few months I have suffered such great pain. A pain like I have never known. The pain is now a familiar friend. It is with me everywhere. My constant companion. I am so disappointed with my life. I am so sad. Never fear though I get up every morning and I put on my big girl pants and I do what I have to. Because I have to. Does that make me strong or stupid? I used to have a deep faith. It was so much a part of me, where did it go? Well, I guess if you get let down enough times you stop believing in anything. I ask myself how could I have been so dedicated to God, serving him in any way I could, and I became lost. How do you get lost? I guess it is like when you were a kid and your mom turned away at a store while you were looking at something. And then she was gone. Panic set in. You knew you were lost! It was hopeless. Yet Mom always found you. How come God hasn't found me? And if God knows everything how come He let so many bad things happen to me? How does a person cope when it seems as though even God doesn't want you. I want to be loved. I want someone to really love me. Yet, I fear it can never happen. How come I am so unlovable? Is it something that I did wrong? I have had two bad marriages. I have 4 kids depending on me to get it right. I do not have a good example from my parents. Where do I learn to get it right? Where are the answers? I am desperate to know. I am desperate to feel better. I am desperate to be loved.
I could write for hours about all the terrible things I have experienced but those are things I want to keep to myself. I need help in this journey. I need guidance. And I need my husband to be my friend. I need him to listen (by listen I also mean care) to me. I need him to understand (really understand in his heart and soul) how devastated I truly am. I am a true and honest mess. Everyone always told me that if I buried my issues they would come back out. Guess what, they were right. Except I never imagined that everything would surface at once. I never knew that I could be this messed up. I never knew how to be me.