Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I am home from my trip to Germany. For all intents and purposes I think it went really well. I got the much needed rest I was looking for. It was not a trip of sightseeing and various activities. It was trip for rest and reconnection. I feel like I accomplished a little of both. By no means is marriage completely repaired that will take much more time than one week. But it was so nice to see him. I realized several things while I was there. I realized that we are BOTH responsible for the mess that our relationship is in. For quite sometime now I have personally been blaming him for all of our troubles. It has been easier than one would think. I realized that I have not given him the respect he deserves for the things he does everyday for his family. I got to see exactly how difficult things are for him and all the other men who are there working for their families. I went thinking that I needed to remind him of the reasons he had for being there. Yet, some how I came home with a renewed respect and deeper love for the man who has given me the life that I so easily complain about. I have resolved with in my own heart to be a better wife. Less nagging, more encouraging. Less complaining, more appreciation. I learned a lesson in how not to fight. One thing that I have never been willing to take responsibility for is the fact that when we fight I do not give in. I have refused to walk away. I have always felt an overwhelming need to stand in his face and demand a resolution to the situation. I realize now that those actions don't get me the resolution I am looking for. All those actions get is an angry response to being back into a corner. The most important thing that I do not want to forget is that a fight does not HAVE to be resolved instantly. I can walk away or he can walk away and there will be time later to discuss more calmly what our differences are. I truly hope I am not too late. I hope I can practice these new ideas. I hope that it is not too late. I want more than anything to be able to move forward in our relationship. I hope I was not too foolish for too long. I hope that the changes that need to be made will have the chance to begin. I think they will. I trust that this man is worth the wait. What I found in Germany was my husband. He is broken down. He is living a very difficult situation. He is struggling just like me to get things right. I hope that beyond the distance we will be able to reach out to each other and walk this path together.
We need to dream together again. I feel a renewed sense of urgency to help him achieve his dreams. I want to be a wife that he is proud of. I want to have a life together that he is proud to have earned for us. I lack many skills when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I lack much in the way of self discipline. I lack in so many ways. I am determined to look at things in a more realistic way. I am determined to not allow my emotions to direct me. I have lived by emotions for so long that I know it will be a challenge to change my way of thinking. But I can do it. In Germany I found a renewed sense of power. I realized that so often I make him choose for us. Upon examination of this process I realized that so often I must do that so I will not have to take the blame when something goes wrong. That is not respect. My counselor told me a couple of weeks ago that "You get what you give. And that goes both ways" I am truly truly remorseful that for awhile now what I have given has not been loving nor kind. How could I have expected anything different in return? I pray with all that is in me that I am not too late to repair the damage. I hope that a change in my actions and attitudes can produce a long awaited change in our relationship. It is completely humbling to admit that I am just as much a problem in this relationship as he is maybe more so. I have failed in my job as a wife. But I pray that with this newly discovered information, I will be able to work hard to restore my relationship with the man that I love. I love him with all that is in me. I love him for everything he is, was and will become. He is the one person I can not imagine a life without him as my partner. I want to get to the point of forging a renewed partnership together. At the end of the road he is who I want standing beside me. It will take work. I am sure there will be times that I will stumble, maybe even fall. But in this life I need him. So I will resolve to love him through this time and all others to come.

I found that on this trip no matter what you have to take care of yourself, then your family. I am going to take care of myself, my husband and my children. If there is time left over for friends and extended family then great if not I hope they understand where and why my priorities are.

2 comments:

FarmWife said...

Wow,girl. It looks like you've had quite a week!! I hope & pray you can make this all work. I cannot imagine how tough it's got to be maintaining a relationship over such a distance.

I take it with all this going on, you & the kids aren't moving to Germany?

Mommy to 4 little people said...

It is very tough to be so far away from each other. I have found that it intensifies all the little cracks in a relationship and creates a break in the damn so to speak. But I have a renewed faith that God will help us through our trials. We decided some months back that the kids and I should stay here in the states at least until we knew how the contract would go. It was a wise move in light of the fact that the company Chuck works for is getting ready to lay off at least 100 guys and only about 400 work there. So we are waiting out the lay off. If by some chance he does not get laid off then we will make our plans so the kids and I can spend the next two years there with him.