Saturday, September 15, 2007

Weekend to reconnect

This weekend is turning out to be so wonderful. I am visiting my best friend!!!! I haven't seen her in a year. And It is so wonderful to be face to face instead of relying on phones and web cams to see each other! The kids (her three and my four) are getting along so great. We were worried that the kids would have forgotten each other. It only took less than five minutes for them to become reacquainted with each other. I expected to have to break up fights but so far so good no fighting at all!
I forgot how much I missed my down time with my friend. We stayed up WAY too late last night. But it was worth it! It is so nice to be able to just get in the car and drive up the road to see her!

Things on the home front are going about the same. DH got a job offer in Delaware. I am not sure how I feel about it. He thinks it is worth it to take the job for at least 90 days. He can not come down to TN for at least 60 days anyway. This job would afford us the ability to move all of our stuff and get a place to stay before he transfers down here. I don't exactly like being separated from him but at the same time there is an element of freedom associated with me being here and him there.
I got an opportunity to talk to an old friend yesterday who is going through a very similar situation as me with her own marriage. It was kind of nice to know I am not the only one going through a difficult period. It is so nice to have people who are honest and open about things to talk to.

I really miss blogging everyday. I d0 try to read every one's blogs but I am more a lurker these days that a commenter. It is hard for me to get online since I am always using someone else's computer. I am really praying that I will be able to get a laptop so I could have my own computer to use whenever I need to. Maybe that is selfish or foolish, since I don't even have my own place to live right now. I am not sure. But I think it would help me to feel more normal again to be able to have the freedom to do my computer stuff when I need to or want to.

I am struggling with the idea that I may need to get a job. Right now since I am staying with my parents they are willing to watch the kids for me. That of course comes with some strings attached. Mostly because I would need to work around their schedule. My mom and Dad have a very busy social life these days. I can not think of any kind of job that I really want to do. I realize that I may just have to get a job that is not what I want just get a little money and freedom but it is hard to decide what I want to do. This next week I am gonna have to decide though. My mom thinks that if I get a job it helps me to feel less like this a vacation and more like I am starting over again. I am still holding on to the hope that things are going to work out for me and DH. I am so torn because for the first time since we have been together I can see myself stepping out on my own. Part of me almost looks forward to it. But then there is the bigger part of me that knows I don't want to live separately. SO I don't know the answers yet. I wish I could say that I am at a place in my walk with God where my faith is strong enough to bring me through. I used to have a faith that was unshakable. I am not sure what has happened to that girl. I think I am just so tired. Things have not been what I ever thought they were going to be. I am not sure any one's life turns out the way they thought it would. At this stage though how do I decide do I keep fighting and tell myself that things will work out for the good? Do I throw in the towel and say it is time to start over again? I am not a good decision maker. I vacillate to much. I am always afraid I will make the wrong choice. I did not used to be like this. I used to make a decision and stick with it no matter what. Now I wonder is things are hard because I feel like there is just too much at stake. I worry about things so much more than I ever did before. Having kids will do it to you I guess. Some how I do feel the pull to gravitate back toward God and yet there is this overwhelming fear of spiritual warfare! Every time I try to live the way I know God wants me to I am find myself in the midst of terrible battles. Is it wrong to just want to give up and say I need a break? I am not sure what to believe anymore. It is not like I don't believe in God or the Bible because I definitely do! It is just balancing what I believe with how I should be living.
OK so I have gone way farther than I wanted to with train of thought. So, I guess I will go for now.

Monday, September 10, 2007

I arrived back in Tennessee late Saturday night. Well actually we crossed into TN around 6 pm but did not arrive at my parents home until around midnight. Poor Weewee was so confused as to why it was still so far away if we were in TN. The drive down was actually not too bad. Considering I had three of my children all under 4. The baby did really great. She hardly fussed at all. Weewee and Bigoo did not fight at all and they enjoyed our frequent stops at rest areas to run around and play. I felt it was important for all of our sanity to stop and stretch our legs every couple of hours. It seems like that worked because we had a mostly pleasant trip.
I feel so much better just being back in the south. As I crossed into TN I discovered that it was opening night a Neyland Stadium and I was able to hear the VOLS play (and win) their first home game of the season!!! I got to eat Chick-fil-A and order a real sweet tea, for my first meal at home! :) For those unfamiliar with these things I will just say there is nothing like being back at home!

As for me and DH well things are going to be OK I am sure! I think sometimes for us we just need a few minutes to step back realize what we have so we can appreciate each other. There is no divorce on our horizon! Things are still hard for us. Mostly it is just the stress of knowing we have these 4 little people who rely on us for everything and right now we are just not sure how we will make it all work. Being faced with the loss of our only income has been almost too much to handle for both of us.
I know things are going to be OK.

So I am off to spend the afternoon with my Mom, sans children! Wooohooo!!! Whatever will I be able to do?!?!?!

Friday, September 7, 2007

On the run again

O I know it has been awhile since I have posted's just that life is way to chaotic for me these days. We are living at my husband's mother's house with 8 other people (not including our 4 children). My husband lost his job about 3 days after moving down here. He is currently (was before he lost his job) looking for a new job. The one job he thought was a "sure" thing has not panned out yet. Needless to say we are having a hard time right now. We are both edgy and irritable with each other. Not to mention the little ones who are in constant need of something. As I type I have a 3 year old standing next to me whining about why her Daddy won't take her bye bye with him. UGH!!!! No peace for me these days. This whole situation is doing nothing to help the feelings of depression I was facing before all these new events came upon us.
I am going to go home to Tennessee for a little while. I really only want it to be a for a visit. But I know if my Mom has it her way I will relocate there by myself (with the kids of course). She swears that she does not want to see my marriage end or that she will not encourage that at all. But I know for certain that once I go down there I will be pressured into staying and starting over with out him. I do not want to get divorced (not yet at least) I don't think it is right to break a promise just because things are getting hard. Why did I even call home to talk to my mom in the midst of my sorrow? One good thing about going down there is that I will get to pick up #1Son (who thinks he will be extending his vacation with Nana and Granddad indefinitely). I miss him so much. He has been down south since July 21st. It is time for me to get my son back.

I know this post must sound desperate. It is not. I really just wanted to update those who read my blog. Kind of an explanation of why I have not been posting. I just have not had enough emotional energy to post lately. Not to mention no private time to think. I thought long and hard about whether or not post this. It seems too public a setting to post such a private battle. But in the end I decided it was better to be honest than to not say anything at all.
So those of you who pray, please remember us.

Hope to be back to normal soon.

I am leaving for TN tomorrow and won't be back for a couple of weeks. I will be able to use a computer while there but I don't know how often.

Talk to you all soon.