Saturday, September 19, 2009

Everything changes...

Things are always changing. I have so much to think about these days that sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away. I never seen myself going through these kind of changes again. But this is where we are and nothing short of a miracle will change it. I guess I could back up and let all of you know that last Monday night my husband decided to "come clean" with me about the emotional affair he had while he was in Germany. He has adamantly refused to give up contact with the woman that he met there and so now there is no choice but for us to divorce. I know I am a weak person because I have it in my head that if he were just willing to work on our marriage (by going to therapy and giving up this other relationship) I would stay and work it out. Bad thing is he does not want to work it out. I am trying to handle all of this with grace, and honor. It is not easy!! Sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes I just want to run to him and hold him close and remind him how much I have loved him. I feel like I am breaking into a million pieces all the time. I have some goals but do not know how I will accomplish them and be a single mom to 4 kids. I am scared. I am confused and I am SO tired of crying. How is it that so many people can tell me I deserve better than this, yet, I can not convince myself that better is out there. I do not want to start over with anyone else. I can not see myself falling in love again. That makes me lonely. I can not remember ever feeling this lonely before. I want to go home to TN. Where I have friends and family who will love me and help me through all of this. The craziest thing of all is that since we decided to split up Chuck has been a friend to me. That is all I wanted while we were married. I wanted us to get along and be friends again and I guess for him it took giving up on our marriage to get there. It creeps me out how nice and supportive he is being. He is still staying here (until he gets a job) on the couch and that is harder than I though it would be. I know that in couple weeks when he physically leaves I am going to lose it all! I can not help that. I am glad I know it is coming. But at the same time I am freaking out inside about it. I hate being alone. I hate feeling the way I do right now. I feel like he gave up on us too easily and now I have a hard time believing in him to make good on his promises to take care of me and the kids. We have this plan that he will pay our bills and help me get through nursing school. I want to believe in that but I am afraid to give myself completely over to that hope. I am so tired of my dreams being destroyed by people who are supposed to love me. I am so afraid that it will never change for me. What if I never find someone who will love me for me? I do not want to be alone. Is it wrong to hope that when he is gone he will regret things and want to come back to our family? Is it wrong to hope beyond hope that reconciliation could happen someday. I have always felt like he was my soul mate and now I am lost with out him. What am I going to do???
I am so alone and lost I just wish someone could show me the way.

Until next time...

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I have had a busy and exciting weekend. Yesterday we went to my little niece's 5th birthday party. It was a blast. There were around 20 little kids all inside the house because it was raining buckets. The rain lasted just long enough for all the guests to go home. My kids an I stayed longer so we could enjoy some game time. We played Rockband on the Wii. It was hysterical. And then let the kids run wild while we played grown up board games. It was an awesome day. Chuck was home and I think he really enjoyed a day off. We did not make it home until around 10 o'clock and so I got the kids ready for bed. Since their little cousin was spending the night we had a huge pillow fight in the living room, Daddy even enjoyed the fun. We played for a little while, I was hoping to exhaust them so they might sleep late this morning. The plan did not work though. They were so excited to be having a sleepover that the girls woke up early to play. After bed time last night, Chuck surprised me by dancing with me in the living room. We have not done that in years. Twice last night he pulled me into a dance as the Eagles played on the ipod. It was totally unexpected to say the least. After our conversation on Friday, I get the feeling he is having second thoughts about splitting up. I let him come home (to sleep on the couch) on Friday night. Some how by Saturday morning I woke to find him snuggled next to me in bed. And again this morning I found him and Jenna snuggled in my bed with me. I am cautious about letting us slip back into a familiar routine. I think he is as well. There are so many things to work out. But it does give me hope and peace to see him making little efforts to be kind and even romantic. I am worried about our situation all the time. Not knowing what direction we will be going in the future is hard for me. But I am trying to focus mainly on the here and now. All I have is today. So I am trying spend it wisely. I am so thankful for the prayers of my friends. I can see the hand of God working. I am not trying to be ultra spiritual about all of this. I can just tell that the peace I feel is not of this world so it must be a gift from God. My goal is to just stay out of the way and let God do what ever it is He has planned.
So, today I know that not all hope is lost and that there is a spark of faith there that may be blown into a full flame if given the right conditions.
Until next time...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

at the end of the day...

Blogging may become my renewed outlet. I go in phases you know. Sometimes I really need to be able to just put things out here and get them off my chest.

Like I said earlier, today has been strange. Chuck has been ultra helpful. Weird considering we have decided to end our marriage. I think he is trying to prove to me that he will make good on his promises to take care of me and the kids. Emotionally I have not even let myself really feel anything yet. I think I am afraid. So, my reaction is to be detached. It worked out OK today. Not sure that game plan will work everyday. We have six months to figure out how all of this will work out before we can actually file for divorce. Then I have no idea how long it will take after that for everything to be final. Neither one of us wants to fight over anything anymore. So I guess that is a plus. I can't help but wonder if I will end up getting the crappy end of the stick when all this is said and done. But I try to tell myself not to think negative thoughts. I also (hate to admit that) I think maybe before it is officially over maybe we will come back together again. That is a LONG shot for sure. I am not sure that I really even want that. There have been so many hurts over the years and so many broken promises. I am sure I have let him down but I am not really clear on the how and whys.
Trust is a sensitive thing. My trust in him is so broken that I have a really hard time looking at him with out thinking to myself that he is probably lying to me. That was the thing that did it in the end for me. I can not stand people who lie. I told one big lie, one time and it cost me my life as I knew it. Since then my mantra has been to always tell the truth NO MATTER the consequences. I can tell you that this is not an easy thing. But I have been honest to a fault since that event (10 years ago). So, for me to find out I was living and sharing my life with some who lies so easily and hides things from me was devastating. I have spent the past couple of months trying to find a way to get past it and forgive him. It is really difficult to forgive someone who continues to be dishonest though. At some point one has to make a decision. I made my decision based on many factors. One being that I can not look at him the same anymore. Another is the fact that I never want to loose the respect of my children. I don't want him to loose the respect of our children either. That is one area where I can say he excels. He is an excellent Daddy. He really loves them and wants the best for them. He takes lots of time to explain things to them. He is gentle (mostly) with them. I never want to destroy him in their eyes, for their sake. It is really hard to manage all the different aspects of my feelings in the current set of circumstances.
So, today was harder because he wanted to help me so much. It makes me love him for that. Which is very confusing because aren't people going through a divorce supposed to hate or at least strongly dislike each other? I have a lot of questions. I am not sure they will ever be answered in a satisfactory way. I am not even sure how to ask most of them. How will I ever make it through this trial? I had several friends tell me today that God does not give us more than we can handle. I just want to laugh at that! I am not even sure God gave me this. It seems to me that Chuck and I have made a ROYAL mess of things, not God. I want to put the blame somewhere, but I don't think that any of this is God's fault. My faults are that I have let life overwhelm me to the point of depression. I let myself be trapped in feeling sorry for myself and complaining all the time about how this is not how it was all supposed to be. Who am I to know what was supposed to be?
Chuck told me a few days ago that he feels like he needs to be on his own so he can make the changes he needs. He feels like he needs to be responsible for himself. He actually said that not having me to take care of him and make excuses for him will make him a better man. I do not understand that at all. I thought a wife's job was to take care and coddle and shower love and affection on her mate. I guess we just have different views on what a marriage is. I also thought a marriage should be between just the two of us. But it seems he has found another to confide in. To await conversations with. Someone who fills a need that I have been cut off from even knowing about. I do not understand unfaithfulness. Even when it is just an emotional bond and nothing physical. I wish...well I don't even know what I wish. I guess I wish that life would just be a little easier, for a little while anyway.
So, I will continue my therapy. Wondering always if I will someday be the strong person that everyone tells me I already am. I do not feel strong. I feel weak and helpless and confused and scared and alone. I do not do alone very well. I pray that my strongest weakness does not become my biggest trial. I told Chuck that I would rather be alone because he is away working on the road than to be alone in the same house with the man I was supposed to spend my life with.
How do you stop loving the father of your children? How do you look at them everyday and see so much of him in them and it not rip your heart out? How do I pick up all the shattered pieces of my life and move on, when all I ever wanted was a happy healthy marriage? How do I ever trust anyone again with my heart?
OK I really must stop now before I fall to pieces!

Until next time~

Today is the strangest day I have ever had. Really no exaggeration! Let me back up a minute so you will understand. For months now I have been going to weekly therapy. It has been extremely helpful to me. I have learned a lot of things and feel stronger in some ways than I ever have before. I was initially afraid to go because I do not like new things and I thought maybe my counselor would tell me to get out of my marriage. I do not believe in divorce. I know I have been divorced once before but I truly do not believe in divorce. I have felt trapped in an uncertain situation for quite a long time. If you know me well then you have probably (at some point) told me to get out while I still can. Well, yesterday I made the decision! I am getting out of this marriage. I can not allow myself to be hurt like this any longer. I have no desire (right now) to smear him or make him look bad in any way. The love I have had for him all these years is truly deep and everlasting. I have the four greatest gifts I could have ever asked for, my children.
So, what makes today so strange? It is the relative peace and ease with which we have decided to split. After 8 years of heated fights that have sometimes turned to violence and name calling and every form of humiliation and degradation, now at the end we are amicable. I have wondered often over the years if this is what it would take for him to respect me. I think that little voice in my head/heart was right.
I have decided that my happiness is worth pursuing. I deserve it. I need it and I want it.
So, even though I grieve what might have been, I am looking forward to new horizons and brighter days. At least if nothing else we will have peace in our home.
I do not know what I will do about a lot of things. My goal is to take it all one day at a time and see where the road leads me. I really want to go back to school and maybe now is as good a time as any.
Maybe it is shock or maybe just relief but I keep thinking to myself that this is all so weird. I am not having second thoughts but maybe a little grief is starting to creep in. SO, I will just keep myself as busy as I can.

Gotta go now before my tears make it impossible to type. If you are the praying sort then please remember me and my family in yours.

Until next time...

Saturday, September 5, 2009

My little update

After reading an old classmates blogs yesterday I have felt a strong desire to update my own blog...LOL. It has been a couple of months and I am sure some of you are wondering (if you have not forgotten about me already) what has been going on. So, I am sending out my little electronic update. :)

Last time I blogged I had just returned home from Germany. I was so full of hope for the future. I still am just not in the same way. Chuck came home at the end of June. The lay off came a little sooner than I had hoped. But there was much rejoicing at his homecoming and in the weeks that followed. Our marriage has taken on a new direction and the challenges (on most days) seem to be surmountable. We have learned to battle things out in a different and new way. The days of screaming, fighting and basically destroying each other are over. We have committed ourselves to a "walk away" when you are too mad to talk game plan, and it seems to be working. One thing that has been especially enlightening to me has been the idea that not every disagreement HAS to be solved right then and there. I am learning the art of setting aside my need for immediate closure. Letting something go (for now) and picking it up later when the two of us can be calm and rational is not my strong suit. BUT I am learning.
This summer has been filled with so many trials. Yet, through it all my focus has been to be thankful for what I do have. I am trying to be very positive even in the face of trouble. My most recent personal goal has been to find my true self. I know at 33 years old I should really already know who I am. But honestly I feel as id I have reinvented myself so many times in my life that I do not truly know who I am. This is a huge challenge to me because I feel as though I can not teach my children to value themselves if I am unsure of myself. Part of the reason I am on this quest has to do with my children and part of it has to do with several people who have made the comment to me that I am not the same person I used to be. This is true. Not all changes in me have been negative, but some have. I had an old friend tell me recently that I seemed to be a really sad girl (back in high school). I was surprised at his observation. I remember being mostly happy or seeming to be mostly happy in those days. But after looking back at myself in the mirror of my memory I can see that I have been sad in many ways through out my life. I think I used to hide it better but it was always there. Therapy for the past 11 months has helped a lot. If you had asked me a year ago if I thought therapy was useful I would have answered no. But I do believe that if you can find the right therapist for you, it definitely is a great tool to use. So, I go once a week and I pour my heart to my therapist and I feel better when I leave. It is nice.
Shame and sadness are two pitfalls I am trying desperately to avoid in my life. For the first time I realize that life really is too short. It seems cliche to say but it is so true. I am watching my babies grow so fast. It seems unreal that Chuck and I have been parents for seven years. Where did the time go?
I have two in school this year! Yay me! School started last week and it was one of the best weeks I have ever had. Not that I don't love my children with all my heart and soul, but I really love having just two at home during the day. All of my chores are easier and I get the added bonus of enjoying my toddler and preschooler more thoroughly.
Chuck's layoff has been longer than we anticipated but some how we are surviving. He will hopefully be back to work in a couple of weeks. He will probably have to travel again, but this time there will be no ocean between us.
So, as we head into the beauty of the fall season I am renewed and refreshed. I am empowered to believe that all things will work out for the good. I am encourage to know that each of us walks a difficult path yet, we can draw strength and encouragement from one another. Life is definitely worth the living especially when the lessons have been hard learned.

Until next time....