My little update

After reading an old classmates blogs yesterday I have felt a strong desire to update my own blog...LOL. It has been a couple of months and I am sure some of you are wondering (if you have not forgotten about me already) what has been going on. So, I am sending out my little electronic update. :)

Last time I blogged I had just returned home from Germany. I was so full of hope for the future. I still am just not in the same way. Chuck came home at the end of June. The lay off came a little sooner than I had hoped. But there was much rejoicing at his homecoming and in the weeks that followed. Our marriage has taken on a new direction and the challenges (on most days) seem to be surmountable. We have learned to battle things out in a different and new way. The days of screaming, fighting and basically destroying each other are over. We have committed ourselves to a "walk away" when you are too mad to talk game plan, and it seems to be working. One thing that has been especially enlightening to me has been the idea that not every disagreement HAS to be solved right then and there. I am learning the art of setting aside my need for immediate closure. Letting something go (for now) and picking it up later when the two of us can be calm and rational is not my strong suit. BUT I am learning.
This summer has been filled with so many trials. Yet, through it all my focus has been to be thankful for what I do have. I am trying to be very positive even in the face of trouble. My most recent personal goal has been to find my true self. I know at 33 years old I should really already know who I am. But honestly I feel as id I have reinvented myself so many times in my life that I do not truly know who I am. This is a huge challenge to me because I feel as though I can not teach my children to value themselves if I am unsure of myself. Part of the reason I am on this quest has to do with my children and part of it has to do with several people who have made the comment to me that I am not the same person I used to be. This is true. Not all changes in me have been negative, but some have. I had an old friend tell me recently that I seemed to be a really sad girl (back in high school). I was surprised at his observation. I remember being mostly happy or seeming to be mostly happy in those days. But after looking back at myself in the mirror of my memory I can see that I have been sad in many ways through out my life. I think I used to hide it better but it was always there. Therapy for the past 11 months has helped a lot. If you had asked me a year ago if I thought therapy was useful I would have answered no. But I do believe that if you can find the right therapist for you, it definitely is a great tool to use. So, I go once a week and I pour my heart to my therapist and I feel better when I leave. It is nice.
Shame and sadness are two pitfalls I am trying desperately to avoid in my life. For the first time I realize that life really is too short. It seems cliche to say but it is so true. I am watching my babies grow so fast. It seems unreal that Chuck and I have been parents for seven years. Where did the time go?
I have two in school this year! Yay me! School started last week and it was one of the best weeks I have ever had. Not that I don't love my children with all my heart and soul, but I really love having just two at home during the day. All of my chores are easier and I get the added bonus of enjoying my toddler and preschooler more thoroughly.
Chuck's layoff has been longer than we anticipated but some how we are surviving. He will hopefully be back to work in a couple of weeks. He will probably have to travel again, but this time there will be no ocean between us.
So, as we head into the beauty of the fall season I am renewed and refreshed. I am empowered to believe that all things will work out for the good. I am encourage to know that each of us walks a difficult path yet, we can draw strength and encouragement from one another. Life is definitely worth the living especially when the lessons have been hard learned.

Until next time....

Weekend to reconnect

This weekend is turning out to be so wonderful. I am visiting my best friend!!!! I haven't seen her in a year. And It is so wonderful to be face to face instead of relying on phones and web cams to see each other! The kids (her three and my four) are getting along so great. We were worried that the kids would have forgotten each other. It only took less than five minutes for them to become reacquainted with each other. I expected to have to break up fights but so far so good no fighting at all!
I forgot how much I missed my down time with my friend. We stayed up WAY too late last night. But it was worth it! It is so nice to be able to just get in the car and drive up the road to see her!

Things on the home front are going about the same. DH got a job offer in Delaware. I am not sure how I feel about it. He thinks it is worth it to take the job for at least 90 days. He can not come down to TN for at least 60 days anyway. This job would afford us the ability to move all of our stuff and get a place to stay before he transfers down here. I don't exactly like being separated from him but at the same time there is an element of freedom associated with me being here and him there.
I got an opportunity to talk to an old friend yesterday who is going through a very similar situation as me with her own marriage. It was kind of nice to know I am not the only one going through a difficult period. It is so nice to have people who are honest and open about things to talk to.

I really miss blogging everyday. I d0 try to read every one's blogs but I am more a lurker these days that a commenter. It is hard for me to get online since I am always using someone else's computer. I am really praying that I will be able to get a laptop so I could have my own computer to use whenever I need to. Maybe that is selfish or foolish, since I don't even have my own place to live right now. I am not sure. But I think it would help me to feel more normal again to be able to have the freedom to do my computer stuff when I need to or want to.

I am struggling with the idea that I may need to get a job. Right now since I am staying with my parents they are willing to watch the kids for me. That of course comes with some strings attached. Mostly because I would need to work around their schedule. My mom and Dad have a very busy social life these days. I can not think of any kind of job that I really want to do. I realize that I may just have to get a job that is not what I want just get a little money and freedom but it is hard to decide what I want to do. This next week I am gonna have to decide though. My mom thinks that if I get a job it helps me to feel less like this a vacation and more like I am starting over again. I am still holding on to the hope that things are going to work out for me and DH. I am so torn because for the first time since we have been together I can see myself stepping out on my own. Part of me almost looks forward to it. But then there is the bigger part of me that knows I don't want to live separately. SO I don't know the answers yet. I wish I could say that I am at a place in my walk with God where my faith is strong enough to bring me through. I used to have a faith that was unshakable. I am not sure what has happened to that girl. I think I am just so tired. Things have not been what I ever thought they were going to be. I am not sure any one's life turns out the way they thought it would. At this stage though how do I decide do I keep fighting and tell myself that things will work out for the good? Do I throw in the towel and say it is time to start over again? I am not a good decision maker. I vacillate to much. I am always afraid I will make the wrong choice. I did not used to be like this. I used to make a decision and stick with it no matter what. Now I wonder is things are hard because I feel like there is just too much at stake. I worry about things so much more than I ever did before. Having kids will do it to you I guess. Some how I do feel the pull to gravitate back toward God and yet there is this overwhelming fear of spiritual warfare! Every time I try to live the way I know God wants me to I am find myself in the midst of terrible battles. Is it wrong to just want to give up and say I need a break? I am not sure what to believe anymore. It is not like I don't believe in God or the Bible because I definitely do! It is just balancing what I believe with how I should be living.
OK so I have gone way farther than I wanted to with train of thought. So, I guess I will go for now.