Thursday, October 15, 2009

I am up way too early after a fitful night. This time I can not blame the kids for my lack of rest though some how I did end up with two in my bed. It is very difficult to try to sleep when you have a 3 year old and a 7 year old taking up almost every inch of space in a queen size bed. But I digress. I am not up this early blogging about not fitting in my bed.

No, I wish it were that easy. I knew when I laid my head down last night that sleep would elude me. I knew that nightmares were waiting for my eyes to close. There is nothing worse than lying down at night knowing rest will not come.

I have laid there for a couple of hours now wondering what I would write today. Because I know I need to write. I have 45 minutes to figure it before I have to wake the kids and get them ready for school. I have a long day ahead. Parent teacher conferences this afternoon. Oh how I hate knowing I have to leave my house. My eyes are almost swollen shut after so many tears were shed last night.

I am supposed to work on validating my own feelings this week. I am supposed to remind myself that it is OK to feel the things that I do. I am supposed to stop beating myself up for not being perfect. Ah! If only it were that easy.

So, I will back up for a second and say this. Last night when Chuck called to say goodnight to the kids. It was so obvious that we were having problems with my phone. It took a few times before it would connect. By the time we got him on the phone he was irritated. I understand (sort of). I know he is not a patient person. I know that things not working right frustrate him (more than it might others). He finally got to talk to each of the kids. Which was really important last night. Zach and Matthew are really taking this "Daddy being gone to North Carolina" thing hard, especially yesterday. All my kids are starting to feel really sad that Daddy had to leave again. We both tell them that Daddy has gone because there are no jobs in Delaware and he has to have a job so we can eat and live. But to a kid I am sure that none of that makes sense. I know that all my kids want is for Daddy to be home. Zach cried last night because he feels like "Daddy has been gone all his life" I tried to explain that Daddy has only really been gone a lot this past year. But to a 7 year old a year is a lifetime. So, I try not to cry in front of them. I try to assure them everything will be OK, soon. But I know that may not be the truth. So, after he talked to the kids we talked. He is really mad at me for having to get a new phone. I felt really bad, thinking maybe it was a bad decision. We argued about money (of course) and things got heated (of course). I have just come to expect that I can not talk to him. Chuck likes to talk at me. I don't feel like he listens to me or cares about what I have to say. He then in turn tells me that I need to stop doing things with my feelings. BUT I am an emotional person! I was when he met me. I was when we fell in love. I have not changed being emotional. I can not change that. I am trying very very hard to let my logical mind learn to be more in control. But this is fighting against nature for me. He told me last night that he knows I would say anything (and mean it) to get him to come back to me. But the reality is that we can not be together. I understand some of his reasons. I really do. I just keep hoping that some where along the way we will learn to communicate effectively with each other. It just is never going to happen if every time we talk he gets mad.
I am really really mad at him right now. I have felt so bad about getting a new phone. And he revealed a financial issue to me last night! I am so hurt that he thinks it is OK for him to spend money on something that is #1 not wise when we are so far behind on our bills (due to 3 months looking for work that is not really his fault) #2 a mean and hurtful thing to do. #3 something he would have to lie to me about. I never ever spend money on big things with out his permission. He does not think he needs permission to spend big because he makes the money and in his eyes we are not married anymore. WHAT!?!??! But yet, he can be frustrated and angry with me for getting a new phone.
I said some really nasty things and threatened him with even nastier things after he told me about this purchase he plans to make.
I did not talk to him again last night, which is tearing me up, but instead I called Germany. I had an hour long conversation with his "friend". At first I called out of anger. But as we talked I realized a few things and it is really weird to say that she did help me to understand somethings. I felt really bad for waking her. It was around 4:30am over there when I called. No matter what Chuck thinks about me calling her I am glad I did. My therapist may think it was unhealthy and irrational but I don't care. I know in my heart a couple of things. #1 I will not lay down my marriage with out a fight! #2 I needed to hear from this woman what this relationship is for her. #3 I need to do this for me. I can not stop the crazy feelings of abandonment, fear, confusion, and deep deep hurt, if I do not confront things head on.
I am angry! I am telling myself that it is OK to be angry. It is normal to be angry. I have tried to handle things in a friendly way until now. I would like to continue to handle things in a friendly way. But I can not do that alone. I can not be expected to just take the handfuls of bullshit and say thank you too!
I don't know anyone else who has gone through something like this. I do not know who to turn to. I wish I had someone/ anyone who could help me know what to do. More than that I wish I knew some way to stop my heart from breaking to pieces every time I hear his voice. I wish oh how I wish things were different. I wish I could just let him go. Maybe in time. But I fear if I hold on any longer it will only push him father away.

He will be angry that I am blogging this. Maybe I should just send it as an email, nah he won't read it. So that is it in a nutshell. I blog because it is the only way I feel heard. Even if no one responds I feel heard and uninterrupted.

I am so sad. I am not sure how long a person can survive being this sad. I could blame it all on him. After all he got me pregnant 4 times. He has a violent temper. He scares me. He is unfaithful. And the list can go on and on and on...but he is right that he does not make me sad. I am just sad. I fear I will never get my life back. I fear that this might beat me. I know I know people say I am a strong woman, but I am not! I am scared and alone two things that this "strong woman" cannot handle at all. Then you add the responsibility of raising four kids to that...well it is a wonder I get up in the morning at all.

Well, my time is up gotta get the day started. I would ask for prayers but not sure what if anything God can do to help me or even would do to help the likes of me.

Until next time...


zann said...

hey girl, I wish I had magic words that could just automatically help things out. But I do not. But hurting never lasts forever, neither does loneliness or confusion. God has not abandoned you. I know it may feel like it but He hasn't. And your friends haven't either. I'm listening to you here, several states away.

All the feelings you are having are valid, and getting a new phone when the other is breaking is a wise investment.

Mommy to 4 little people said...

Thank you Zann. I needed a reminder that hurting, lonliness and confusion don't last forever. Time does not seem real to me right now. It might help if the weather wasn't so gloomy. LOL Thank you for listening and thank you for you can tell I really need it.

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