Sunday, October 18, 2009

One long continuos conversation...

It seems to me like all my post have lately just been one continuation of the same conversation. Why break the cycle now? It seems most of my is spent trying to figure things out lately. This week I am supposed to be working on letting go, validating my feelings, telling myself what I ever I "feel" is real but maybe not in my control. All that sounds great. It is not though. I feel like I am riding an extended roller coaster and wishing for the ride to stop. Just when I think things will calm down emotionally I am hit again by something unexpected. It is all the little things. I spent an entire day this week freaking out and wanting to get a Uhaul to get the heck out of here. That was on Thurday. Wednesday night I had a complete melt down. A couple of folks actually said I was the craziest girl they know. My best friend actually told me she was surprised by the something I did and compared it too a lifetime movie...UGH!! This is what my life has boiled down to a lifetime movie. And worse a movie that no one knows how it is going to end! How do I get past the love I feel for Chuck and let him go? He told me on Wednesday that I have to let him go. I get confused though cause he still wants me to be there for in him in a lot of ways. It is so hard to break habits that we have had for years. Just like it is so hard for us not to argue. How can a relationship be so right in some ways but WAY too wrong in others? People keep telling me that my experiences are not unique. This does not make me feel any better, it actually makes me more sad. Sad because there are other folks out there hurting this bad. I have definitely not had enough sleep. Last night the kids were all spending the night out. It is a nice break to have some me time. But it kind of makes me feel like a loser. Because all I ever do when I get a time out is to play board games with a bunch of guys I know. Where some might think that me hanging out with a bunch of guys would be the perfect distraction, let me assure it is not! There is no one flirting with me. There is no one making me feel sexy or cute or even all that happy with myself. I know all that should come from inside of me, but come on how many of us just naturally feel good about ourselves? Raise your hand if you do not need outside affirmation. I am so used to all of that coming from Chuck . I miss being told how pretty, sexy, hot, lovable etc... I am. I could always go out and try to hook up with someone new, but that is not even close to likely to happen for me. It's not that I can't go out and accomplish that mission. It is that I know it would destroy me emotionally. I still feel married. I guess because I am still married. I know a lot of people in this world can just jump out of on relationship into another and never blink an eye. Or at least not let anyone know they blinked an eye. I am not one of those people though. I need to feel loved and adored before I can give it up. So, if you can not tell I am frustrated. I am sad. I am lonesome. There is nothing I can do to make him come back to me. Even if I feel like I have loved him like no one else. Even if I have felt like he has loved me like no one else. How do you let your soul mate go? If I have known in my heart for 8 years 5 months and 3 days that this was the ONLY man I ever wanted. Could ever need. Seen myself growing old with. I want to assume that people know what I mean. I do not think I was ever in love before Chuck because I know for sure I never had a broken heart before him. A broken heart is the most terrible thing I have ever felt. And I have been through some major crap in my life! So, I am pretty sure I have a good scale to judge pain against. Most days I feel like I am never going to be OK again. I feel like I am walking around with a piece of me missing. It is not that we don't talk everyday. We talk about the kids. We talk about our bills. We talk about our plans. But we can not talk about us. Not without me crying, or screaming, or wanting to hide myself away. I feel like the biggest failure ever! I know that irrational. Many people have failed at much more important things. But I have failed at the most important thing in my life. I know some might think I have my priorities screwed up since I am a Mom and my kids should be my important thing. And yes they are important to me. More than I can express in words. But my marriage was always something I viewed as extending further than my children. My marriage has always been more important to me than anything. Because I felt like together he and I could do anything. Alone I am pretty useless. Alone I am weak and crumble. Alone I can not motivate myself to be my best. I have always felt like he motivated me to be my best person and I tried to do the same for him. If fighting is the only problem we have (and I am in no way minimizing that) then how come we can fix that? How come we can not find it in ourselves to find a way ANY way? I could do that. I know I would do that. So, letting go is what needs to happen if the other person is unwilling to work on it? How do you let go of something you feel like you have spent forever working to keep safe and protected?
Today seems like it will be a crappy day cause now I started it on the wrong foot. I should not have had my first interaction with him this morning. Now I will spend the day feeling the intense separation and loss that I have spent the whole weekend running away from.
On another note. I am going to talk to my therapist this week about PTSD. If I do not start getting some real advice, help (with results) I may have to look for it in a different place. After almost a year of therapy I would expect better results than I am getting. I need to get past some of this PTSD stuff. I think maybe it is PTSD that makes things so much harder for me. I will have to post more about that sometime.

Until next time...

1 comment:

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