Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Putting things into motion

Yesterday was a good day over all. I took the two babies to spend the day with their GMom while the older two were in school. I love my Tuesdays. Lately however it seems like there are not enough hours in any day, let alone a Tuesday. It seemed like as soon as I was kid free, I was right back to get them. Now the reality was that they stayed there for four or more hours. But whose counting. So, not as much got done around the house as I had hoped. But I am cutting myself some slack in that area. Actually I am trying to cut myself some slack in a few areas.
So, I went to therapy yesterday. I feel a lot better having went. I was honest with her (my therapist) about how I have been feeling about our sessions and the fact that I do not always agree with the things she tells me. We did an "exercises" to help me figure out what she is really telling me. I found that sometimes when people tell me things I do not here what they are actually saying to me. Instead I distort things and turn them into personal attacks. I wonder how long I have been like that. This therapy thing is forcing me to do a lot of self examination. I have always been a person who over analyzes everything and worries about everything. I am figuring out why I do that. It seems impossible to me that I would be able to function during all of this heart ache. It seems impossible to me that I am still breathing in and out and living each moment knowing that my husband is not here anymore. Yet, here I am DOING just that! Amazing.
I am reading a book that I have own for 10+ years, finally. It is called Love is a choice. It is about dealing with codependency. I have fought myself and anyone who dared to call me co dependant for years and years now. I find the term so degrading and demoralizing. And yet reading this book now, well it just seems as if it was written to me. I am so truly blessed to find a way to learn to get past my hurts. I am looking to God and those who love me to help me become a truly healthy person. This is not an easy road. This is not a happy road. But this is the road I am on and until I can find an alternative route this is it for me.
Letting go of someone you truly deeply love is not easy. Sometimes I feel as if the world will just come to a complete stop. But I breathe in and out every day and just KNOW it will all work out the way it is supposed to. I bought Chuck a really awesome Bible several years ago. It's a life application version. So, since he is not using it and my Bible has been lost for some time now. I am going to start reading his. And I am going to start reminding myself of God's truths for me.
I am stepping out in blind faith here and hoping for great things to happen.
So today I am focusing on reading my book and reading the Psalms.

Until next time, pray for me and my children and yes even my husband...

1 comment:

FarmWife said...

Honey, I'm praying. That's all I can say! Oh, and I'm giving you an award.