This is me making a decision to be all that I can be...

Wow oh wow oh wow!! That is a lot of wows right? So I am deciding not to talk in cryptic ways on here anymore. I guess the decision to make the blog private is still a good one. Now I know who is reading so I know what I can say. This is a disclaimer though: I want people to understand that this blog is my personal place to vent, cry, scream, ponder, get advice, or just shout out. It will be what ever I need it to be. I will not mince my words, because whatever I say here is the truth. Things in this blog of course are the things that come from my perspective and my reality. So if you don't like what you are reading or you think maybe it is inappropriate then feel free to STOP READING!!

OK now that that is said I am going to be posting some stuff that I am thinking today.

Yesterday was another one of those days where I felt like I could cry all day. All I wanted was to be able to reach out and connect with Chuck. And since we are trying hard (or have been trying hard) to be there for each other and see where all this is going to lead us, I called him. My reasons for calling him were very simple, I wanted reassurance that we were going to work toward a reconciliation. I know it was a dumb thing to hope for, but I did. He and I talked for a very long time. We were having this really great (so I thought) conversation about what the problems in our marriage are and whether we could both see a possibility of reconciling. So as the conversation progressed I felt brave enough to bring up the topic of his girlfriend. I use the term girlfriend loosely since this girl lives in Germany and he does not see her. He does however have many conversations with her and has let her into a part of his life that should be reserved only for his wife. It occurs to me that I am married to a man who wants his cake and eat it too. He tells me just enough to give me hope and yet he refuses to give up the relationship he has with her. Then he accuses me of misunderstanding a 2 hour conversation we had just engaged in. At this point my answer to that is: Get your head out of your ass and listen to what you are saying. I am not the confused one you are!! I mean seriously what do you expect from me? Do you expect to call me and act as if I am still your wife when you are bringing your girlfriend to the US for a visit!! Yep I said it! He is bringing her here in November for a visit. That would be the big purchase he was planning! I got yelled at over a phone that I needed because it puts a hamper on him flying her over here! Well maybe I put a stop to that nonsense when I called her last week. Yes, I know I do not need to hear from anyone else that calling her was lifetime movie crazy! But whatever I needed to do that. But I digress, so, even after finding out that he was planning this little secret trip, I still (maybe even more so) felt desperate to make him see that this would be the end for us!! Evidently he wants it to be the end. Maybe the end with an openness that he could go carrying on this affair and then later on down the road find his way back to me. WTF!! Is he serious!??!? I mean come on how low does he really think my self esteem is? Does he really think I could take him back after all this? Does he think that I will work with him? I mean yes we have 4 kids together. He actually thinks that if I am stuck here doing the hard work (while he is off having another relationship) that I will be able to be friendly to him. I told him last night that I respect the choice and am glad he was clear in his choice. But that if he thinks this will make things easier for me he is wrong. Because with every chore I do, every sock I wash, every meal I make, every thought I have I HATE HIM!! I know hate is wrong. But I really really hate him! I hate him for thinking he could get away with this. I periodically think through out the day that he is the most selfish person I have ever met. So many people are telling me that I need to let him go. So I am but for whatever reason, the only way I can do that is to let myself hate him. By letting myself hate him I can see how bad he really is for me! Instead of holding on to what I have loved about him, I have to focus on what he has done (in the most terrible ways) to hurt me. It is not just this stupid girl he is talking to. It is so much more than all that. It is the fact that I have stood by him and been his greatest defender and best advocate and best friend for 8 years and now this?!?!? He has a lot of nerve. I think that he is stupid to think that being in ANY relationship will work for him before he gets help. He has serious anger issues and serious self control issues. But he is not my responsibility anymore.
One reason I am venting all this out in this way is so that I can come back to this spot and see what I have determined in my heart. I am an easily confused person. I am easily hurt. But I am not stupid (even if some people would have me believe that I am)! I am not going to do any of this on his terms! I have to take my life back and forget about him! I tried as hard (maybe harder) as one person can! So as of last night I am shutting him out of my heart and out of my life. If he wants a relationship with his kids he will have to be the one to accomplish that. I am not going to compensate for him. I am not going to make up for him not being here. I can only be one person.

My Zach and I had a very long heart to heart last night. I think that he is so broken hearted because he wants his Mom and Dad to be together and he feels like his dad has been gone "half his life". So we talked about a lot of things. I tried to reassure him that none of this could ever be his fault. He said "I know Mom. I just wish Daddy would not be mean to you all the time." He also reminded me that Daddy broke him promise that he would never hurt Mommy again. Instead of trying to convince my son (as I usually would) that no Daddy doe snot hurt me, I let him explain what he meant by that statement. Wow! When you are able to listen to your children you will learn so much about the things they hear and see and even how their little brains get things really confused. So, I decided that honesty is the best policy. We have always tried to treat our children as if they are just little people with all the same feelings that we grown ups have. So I talked to him in a way a 7 year old could understand. I explained to him that even though it really is Daddy's job that took him to North Carolina, Daddy would not live at home with us in Delaware anymore anyway. I explained (the best I could) that Daddy will not be coming back to live with us anymore. Zach seemed to already know and understand it. He cried a lot but I think he needed to cry to get it all out. So I just held my son and let him know that no matter what happens both his Dad and I love him more than words can even say. I also let him know that I will always love his Dad but that we can not be together cause Daddy has done some things that hurt too much and make both of us too sad. I hope I am doing the right thing by talking to him about all this. I am keeping in mind that I can not let myself "depend" on my kids to make me feel better. I will not let them become my comfort. They are a comfort to me but if the roles ever become confused for them I would not be able to deal with the guilt of doing that kind of damage to them. I see a lot of my self in my son. When I was growing up I truly felt responsible for my Mother's happiness and so this is where the feeling guilty for not fixing people crap comes from. I never could help my mom. My son told me last night his biggest fear is that when I cry I will be sad FOREVER. Well, you know that one broke my heart. I promised him I will not be sad forever. So this is me CHOOSING to put on my big girl pants and stop worrying about Chuck and start worrying about me. I don't care anymore if Chuck wakes up on day and regrets this. I am not worried if he will only wake up once it is too late! His loss (and mine too) but I did not choose this and I did not cause this. No amount of bullshit will make me believe that this is my fault. Keeping your wedding vows just is not that hard to do. It is just that simple and I have to have a backbone when it comes to letting people hurt me. I have to stop just taking crap. Because the one thing I have learned is that if you let yourself be a doormat, then guess what that is how they will continue to use you. I am not a doormat I am the daughter of the King! I am a precious gift that God has made. I may feel broken but my creator can fix His creation better than anyone else could. It is time for me to let God do what he needs to and in the end I know that I am worth more than Chuck has made me feel. I am not worthless and I am not unlovable. I have people who would miss me if I was gone and they are not only my children. Finally today I am ready to do this for me. Not for anyone else but for me. Those who are in my life will benefit from having me back and I will benefit from having my God back.

So, until next, pray for me and if you feel like encouraging me that is cool too....