***** warning totally venting and feeling sorry for myself*******

Slowly but surely I am trying to get back into blogging. Wish I was a happier camper these days. Maybe I should write what is on my heart and mind and then go visit every one's blog...since I feel even sadder now. Which is weird because no one had any sad posts. I am beginning to wonder how long a postpartum depression can last? I have good days. Actually I even have REALLY good days. But for the past four days I have found very little to smile about. I try to tell myself that it is just a stage but it seems to be lasting a long time. Do you ever wonder if your whole life is just a big joke? I am wondering about lots of things lately. Is this a mid life crisis or maybe the beginning of one? I look at the lives of the people all around me and I think to myself; "My what fun they seem to be having" and the giant green monster starts to grow. I even asked DH the other day if he thought maybe his cousin could be right, that in a past life (which I do not even believe in) I must have been a really rotten person and this is my chance to get it right. I think about the theory of karma and wonder how mine could be so awful. Seriously! How did I find myself as the mother of 4? Wife to a crazy man? Daughter to a crazy lady? An extended family FULL of dysfunction? I was always the good girl. Always the one who did what was expected of me. Followed the rules. You know the stereotypical good girl! So what went wrong? What am I missing? I am so very overwhelmed in my life. I am so tired of trying to get it right and never making any progress. I know I must be getting somethings right since my kids have pretty good manners (I guess that is a rare thing in this part of the country). They behave decently in public. They all mostly sleep well. And they are all smart. Not sure I could really mess them up if I tried because they are so wonderful to begin with! But even though I know that, I am completely overwhelmed with fear and worry. I spend so much time wondering if one day they will tell me how I have ruined their life. Or did not love them well enough. I know all parents worry about how their kids will turn out. But to me I feel like this is kind of an extreme fear that I have. I have so many fears. Daily they seem to be affirmed lately.
I think one thing that has me down the most is that DH and I took these stupid personality tests online, over the weekend. I say they are stupid because even though the descriptions fit us to a tee! It showed that (from my perspective) there is no hope for us! We are listed as each others "enigma" a complete mystery to each other. While DH thinks this is great because he will always try to figure me out and there will always be mystery. I see it as a death sentence! Like someone has written it down that NOTHING will ever change and I am wasting my time. How can two people have such very very different views of the same thing? What is wrong with me that I am becoming such a negative person? I feel like my faith has diminished. My positivity is gone. My sadness is ruling everything. How did this happen? When does the fear go away? Who will I become after these trials and how hard will it get before it is over. I have never felt more out of control. I have never had more random things to worry about. And I have never been in a situation where I just don't have anyone to talk to. DH can not understand emotions. What is with men? Why can they not understand that women have emotions? Or is it that mine are just to raw these days. It seems like all of my friends have gotten too busy to be there for me. How is it that I can drop EVERYTHING at a moments notice if someone I love is in need. Yet when I stand here and scream for help no one comes to my aid? I think maybe I should give up the babysitting. DH thinks I have gotten myself in too deep. Secretly the rest of the family thinks so too. I really want to give up my business. Not because it is not working but because I can not give it my best.
I am so disappointed in my life. I am so sad that things are going this way. I feel like I am on a ride at the fair and it has run out of control. And everyone else is forced to sit on the sidelines and just watch the destruction.
I wish I did not care so deeply. I wish...
Well I just wish for peace in my whole being! When does the peace come. I am almost afraid to have that peace because I wonder what the price I will be required to pay will be.

OK, now I KNOW I am losing it! I am blogging all my deepest fears and thoughts for the whole world to read! I expect the men with the little white jackets to show up at any moment now.

I apologize for...well you know...I just don't what else to write...

SO until next time....