When one of my children wakes up in a grumpy mood my answer to that is to gently tell them to go back to their room, get back in bed and wake up on the happy side. This usually gets giggles from #1 son. Who eagerly runs back to his room to emerge a few seconds later exclaiming I did it mommy I woke up on the happy side of the bed. Only rarely does this little tactic fail.
So here I go whining again. But I can not seem to find that happy side of the bed. Maybe because I truly know what is waiting for me out there in my house. And I would prefer to just stay in my bed or at least in my bedroom until life gets nice again.
It's not so much that life is so bad. I have faced worse you know. But for me right now being faced with four very young children, an impending move, the uncertainty of where we will be next, the prospect of staying with DH's family (again) etc... just seems a little too daunting. Yet, I know I have no choice but to keep on going and face whatever comes across my path. Only I don't really want to. What I want to do is throw myself in the floor kicking and screaming and see if I can get my way! DH's asked me last night to just tell him in plain English what he can do to make things easier. I wish I could do that. I just don't know what would make things easier. He sees it like a simple tell me what to do and then it will be all better. I am much more complicated than that and therefore can not even begin to know how to make this better.
I truly don't think it is depression. At least not in the sense of "Oh go to the doctor and get a pill to fix this..." It's more like DH and I have been together for a little over 6 years now and maybe I am starting to get an itch. I mean I thought things would be a lot different. They are not necessarily bad but something must not be right for me to feel like this. Most days I am OK with that. But when my stability and independence are taken away then I get little less tolerable.
I don't want to be this ungrateful sounding person. I am so grateful that DH has the only out of our home job. I do not know how working mothers do it. I am just not as good at multitasking. I know if I had to I would some how make it work. But I am truly thankful that I do not have to do that. I am completely willing to go with out the extras in life if it means I can stay home and focus on my children. I am not a high maintenance girl. My husband is grateful for that :) Maybe if I talk myself out of this funk it will go away for good this time.
I am sure my 4 readers out there are tired of hearing my long winded complaints.
So for my family, friends, and self I need to pull myself out of my grumpiness. Maybe I will go back to my room lay down on the bed and try one more time to find the "happy side".
Saturday, August 11, 2007
When there is no right side of the bed.
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2 comments:
I wish I could give you some life altering advice, but I really have none to give. While not facing the uncertainty you are facing, I do get the "how did I end up here" thing every now and again. It is overwhelming even when you love where you are in life.
I could offer some trite, cliched phrase, but instead I'll just pray for you & hope for peace.
I only have one child, but after Hannah was born I began fighting what I now realize was full-feldged depression. PPD? Perhaps, but I have always struggled with aniety to a certain extent, and can even remember episodes of depression in college. It sucks. It took me forever to admit that's what it was. I was scared of getting addicted to a pill, worried it would mean that I wasn't surrending to God enough or some bull like that. Finally, I gave in. I talked to my doc about a year after I should have, and the meds have helped. A lot. Oh, the questions and worries are still there, but my reaction to them is so far less. I am able to get out of bed again, to see the happy side more often. Hubby felt the same way as your DH.. wanted to fix it, but knew he couldn't. All he could do was just hold me, pray with me, be patient with my mood swings....
praying for you to find peace in the storm! I'm not saying meds are the answer, but they did help me when I really needed it.
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