Saturday, August 4, 2007

To move or not to move...that is the question?

OK today the big joke seems more real than on most other days. It seems in my life every time I let my guard down and let my dreams flow they are at once all shattered and I feel worse than when I started out. When will I learn? Should I give up all my dreams or hopes just so it won't hurt when things don't go the way I want them to? I know this does not make much sense. So maybe I should start with why I am feeling like this today.
I have been so overwhelmed this week. We have decided that despite our best efforts living in Pennsylvania is just to dog gone expensive. My husband has to work upwards of 60 hours a week just so we struggle to make it through the next week. Our basic needs are barely met. And with each of our four children having needs of their own the task to meet them is daunting. So, we decided to give it up and go back to Tennessee. This would make me so much happier. I miss home. I miss the ease of life, the familiar places, and faces. The kindness that you find in most all people, the hospitality and the food :). I miss my family. I know going back home will help with a lot of our problems. It has been so disappointing to live here. Some things, like the cost of living, could be over looked if other things, like the family relationships, were easier. I hate to even admit that we made a mistake. I am not equipped to deal with the politics that come along with a family that has been so severed by divorce and addictions. I did not grow up in this kind of environment and so my skills in coping with it now are not as refined as my husband's. Don't get me wrong there will be family members that I will miss so much that it hurts to even think about leaving them. But on a whole I am the kind of person that needs a lot of love and support from my extended family. That need is not being met here. So it makes my home sickness even more acute.
OK I am rambling. So our plan is to move back to Tennessee in about 3 months. In the mean time we are going to move out of our house and back into my MIL's house. In order to save money. If we were to try and stay in our house it would cost so much that it might take us another year to get where we could afford to move. The commute from his Mom's house will be hell on my husband. But he is willing to do it. So we have set the ball in motion. We gave notice to our landlord. I am starting to pack and at the end of this month we will be residing with his Mom again. Not so bad for us. I love his mom so much and do not have to hard of a time living with her. It is his younger brothers and their girlfriends that are a little harder to live with. But I can manage if the end result is that we will get move back home.
My DH put his resume out on some head hunter sites and immediately got a call from a company in Delaware. This company happens to be on that he has dreamed of working for since he got out of school. The benefits are great. The pay is decent. And the location is right in Delaware where we could be closer to his family. Yet, I feel so scared that he will want to take the job. I know that if he takes the job he will only be happy for about a year (if that) and then we will be facing the same thing all over again. I feel like this is the last time in our life that I want to make a major move. #1son will be starting school in a year and I want him to have roots. A place where her can grow up and know that he belongs. I was willing to make that place here in the Mid Atlantic area but now that I know DH needs to get out of Aviation and find a new career path, I want to go home. IS this selfish? I mean I want what is best for our family. He has a choice to go back home and possibly only make $14-$16 dollars an hour or stay here and make $25 an hour. The difference is not lost on me. I know $25 an hour would be better but living here and having the hope of going home presented to me made me want to go home more than anything. I can not see us ever being really happy here. There is too much hurt, the is too much...ugh..I can not even think how to put it into words!
So now I am faced with do I make my husband keep his promise to me? Or do I let him take a job that I am pretty sure he will not want to be at with in a year or so?
My only prayer now is that a job opens up in the Nashville area that pays better. His ultimate plan is to go back to TN with an aviation job but to enroll in school to become a HVAC technician. He really wants to own his own business. And we both feel the better place to accomplish this goal is Tennessee.

OK so I am trying to keep my hopes high and not be so scared that he will not make the right choice. It is just so hard when I have had so many let downs in my life. Just once I want something to go the way we plan it. Instead of turning into something we never saw coming.

On that note I will quit rambling and griping about my crazy life.

4 comments:

FarmWife said...

Oh, honey, I hope a clear decision presents its self soon. I'll be praying.

We moved to the country so Husband would be happy & 4 years later I'm not so sure it's been good for him. Now we're stuck. It's not easy. These decisions never are.

Lauren said...

Praying for God to give you and hubby clear direction, and faith to step toward where he leads.

It's so frustrating when all a husband wants to do is provide for and love his family, and struggles to find that elusive "perfect package."

Jenster said...

Jackie - I just followed you over from my blog. Thanks for visiting and please come back.

Okay. Lots of things to say here.

First of all, I'm from CA, but I lived in Arkansas for 18 years before we moved to PA last year. I completely understand your feelings and struggles and yet have absolutely no words of wisdom for you. I, too, am a Christian and I will pray for you and the decision you all will have to make.

Secondly - and this is kind of weird - I've been visiting A Wandering Heart for a week or so now! Talk about a small world!!

Mommy to 4 little people said...

That is too funny...A Wandering Heart and I went to high school together....she is part of the reason I started bloging in the first place and she is one of my oldest and dearest friends.....
I am so glad you stopped by. I added you to my list of daily reads so I know we will be getting to know each other a lot better...happy blogging