Struggles

Yesterday was a hard day. Nothing in particular and yet everything all at once was overwhelming to me. I took BG to the pediatrician. Apparently she was going in for a weight check. But she has a cast on her leg and they can not tell how much she weighs for sure. So then since I am nursing her I had to answer a million questions about she is feeding. According to the doc it is not good that she sleeps for about 6 hours at a time sometimes. As a mom of 4 I thought it was great. The bad news from her visit is that now she has to see a General Pediatric Surgeon. She has an umbilical hernia. We have know that since she was born. But it is growing and that is a concern. So now when we go to the children's hospital on Monday for her ortho visit we will be seeing a surgeon as well. I know I should not complain. I know her medical challenges could be a lot worse. But I feel so helpless and scared. She is the first baby I have had that has any issues (medically) at all. This is overwhelming to me. Then you add on the fact that my other children must have been abducted by body snatchers and replaced with needy, whiny, naughty children. It seems like lately all I do is yell at them. #1Son has always been such a joy until just recently he has started acting like a teenager. He argues with me about everything. He even argues with his Daddy now. Nothing I do is good enough for him. I used to be able to take him out in public and get comments on how well behaved he was. Now it seems like he is on a mission to act naughty in public. I swear he is testing me to see if I will just completely lose it in front of other people. I don't know if this is normal for four year olds to turn into crazy people?? Then there is Biggoo......oh my goodness that child is so busy!!! Yesterday I was trying to clean my house. Every time I got into a groove BG would start to cry so I would have to stop to comfort her (ever since the cast was put on she has been really fussy) as soon as I would sit down to take care of her, Biggoo would go to where ever I had been cleaning up and totally mess that area back up. He took a whole bag of papers and threw it all over the living room. He kept getting into my cleaning cabinet. He kept taking stuff off my dresser. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. By the time dinner time came around I was so tired I ordered pizza. Then I called my mom and cried to her about how hard my day was. Then my darling husband got jealous that I was talking to my mom and not him!!! WHAT!?! Usually when I try to talk to him about my frustrations he just tries to fix it and not really listen and if I do not take his advice he gets offended....I just wanted to talk to my mom since she has been there before. So, after I had my cry with her I had to go try to explain to him why I needed to talk to her about how I was feeling. So by the time my head hit the pillow last night I was totally physically and emotionally exhausted!
Today I just want to sit and rest. I want to try not to worry about what the doc will say on Monday. I want to reconnect with my children, maybe I will find that they have not been body snatched after all. I sure hope that is the case.
Sometimes I just do not feel like there is enough of me to go around. I try to pray for the strength and wisdom to be the best mom I can be but I am not so sure I am getting the response I need. I feel like I am walking through the fire again. It is hard not to wonder if we have too many children now. I know I should not admit that out loud. At the same time I KNOW that God gave us each of these children and that all gifts from God are good. So.....where does that leave me? Humbled. Yes very humbled. I need to get my attitude in check before it all gets away from me.
So off I go to reconnect and redirect my attitude...........wish me luck!