I am tired

Ok so this move did not go off quite as planned. THe goodnews is it still (so far) has cost us less than we (I) were thinking. I got a free moving van from the storage place that we are renting space in. That was awesome.! Till I got home and figures out that it was way to small to hold all our stuff. And we only had the use of it from 9am to 4pm! You would think this fact alone would have motivated DH to get a move on it...right? Wrong! He took his time bringing our friend Mike up to help us move. They did not get back to the house until almost noon. Finally around 1 we started loading the truck and at 3:30 we were on our way back to the storage place. We arrive an hour and a half late with the truck and penalized $25 for being late. We like to have had a stroke unloading the truck into the unit the heat and humidity were so bad. Then we were headed to eat and go back to the house to bring the rest of our earthly belongings by truck loads to the house and storage unit. Today is Tuesday and we have at least 4 more trips to make! I am so exhausted. The kids are tired of being babysat by Grammy. I need sleep in the worst way....But on the bright side we are alive and well! So that is my little update on the fly...gotta run and get ready to take SIL to work so I can use MIL's truck!

ttla

Moving day

Today we are moving so I will be out for a couple of days.....like I haven't been for this week anyway...hehehe

Anyway say a prayer for us there is too much to do and not enough time to do it all!

My mini makeover

In light of the fact I have been feeling so bad lately, I decided today was the day for a real haircut and eye brow waxing. I got my long hair chopped about a month ago. But have been unhappy with how it turned out. I didn't say much since it was my mom who cut it the first time. I did not want to hurt her feelings. She actually did a good job on it considering that all of a sudden (since having my 2nd child) I have curly hair!!! Weird but true!
So, I went to the salon and got it cut really short.....in hopes that it will be really easy to manage. It took the girl a long time to cut it but I felt good to be there being pampered a little. When she was nearly done I thought I should go the whole nine yards and have my unruly eye brows waxed. Seeing as how it has been a couple of years since I had someone else do them for me, it felt like such a treat.
I feel like a new woman. I sure hope DH likes it when he gets home tonight.
So that is my step toward the Hot Mama Revolution today! If you want to know what that is check out my side bar and click on the picture. Thanks Farm Wife for sharing...;)

Good day

Today I had a good day!!! YAY! I got a little bit accomplished...no packing done :( But I did mow the lawn and spray weed killer on the patio. This was a major task. I also got the grocery shopping done and spent a good deal of time with my kids. It felt great to be out in the sunshine especially since it was only in the 80's today :)
I also got to take the kids for a walk this evening. We have not done that in several weeks because of the heat.

Tomorrow I will pack a lot!!! I will I will...I hope I will...

PPD

I haven't posted in a few days partly because I just haven't felt like admitting what is going through my head (until now). And partly because I am trying to stay focused on packing and cleaning my house. Since I am being somewhat lazy this morning I have decided to post what is on my mind.

The other day when I was writing about my deep personal struggle with being a mom, I felt like such a failure. I was so sad and felt totally alone. It didn't help that I was in such a bad mood that I fought with DH and the children all day. So, I spent a day of total misery until my DH had a conversation with me about postpartum depression. Now usually I would blow it all off as just a bad day. But lately I have been having too many bad days. I don't know yet if I do have PPD but it is a possibility. I know something is wrong. I know I don't want to continue in the pattern I am in. It makes me feel helpless, out of control and just plain mean. Maybe it is a hormone imbalance. Maybe it is something else all together. But I finally came to the conclusion that it is not going to go away all by itself. Whatever is going on is effecting me in such a deep and utterly chaotic way that I have to be proactive in finding out what it is.
So bear with me while I take my steps on this journey.
You may be asking yourself why I would share such a personal thing on my public blog? Well, first of all I am not a good liar. I can not just post cute things all the time and make it appear that I have it all together. Second of all this is very therapeutic for me. It is one of my only outlets. DH tries to be there for me, but let's face it he is a guy and a LOT less emotional than me. And third I want to share this experience because maybe it can help some other mom who is facing the same things as me. If I keep my story to myself then no one else gets the benefit of learning from my life.
I will try not turn this whole blog into a PPD thing (if that's even what is wrong). But I really want to reflect my real life on here. So please be patient with me as I sort through this murky sea of confusion.

I've been tagged by Lauren

THE RULES:

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.

2. You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

3. When you are tagged, you need to write your own blog post containing your own middle name game facts.

4. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

E~ Everyday is a challenge for me

V~ Very very sleep deprived with 4 children under 5.

E~ Ever wondering when will they all be out of diapers.

T~ Too many blessing to count gave up counting for the next few years :)

T~ Tornadoes come through my house on regular basis...maybe I should alert the national weather services. I guess they don't send out alerts for an 18 month old, 3 yr old and almost 5 year old.

E~ Everyone depends on me to provide their security, kiss their boo boos and generally make life ok......how scary is that?

I tag:

Farm Wife

Jenster

Sarah

Zann

Mama

Ok so I don't know enough bloggers to use every letter of my middle name. Unless you count the fact that I actually only have three letter in my name they just repeat :)

Have fun!!!

When there is no right side of the bed.

When one of my children wakes up in a grumpy mood my answer to that is to gently tell them to go back to their room, get back in bed and wake up on the happy side. This usually gets giggles from #1 son. Who eagerly runs back to his room to emerge a few seconds later exclaiming I did it mommy I woke up on the happy side of the bed. Only rarely does this little tactic fail.



So here I go whining again. But I can not seem to find that happy side of the bed. Maybe because I truly know what is waiting for me out there in my house. And I would prefer to just stay in my bed or at least in my bedroom until life gets nice again.



It's not so much that life is so bad. I have faced worse you know. But for me right now being faced with four very young children, an impending move, the uncertainty of where we will be next, the prospect of staying with DH's family (again) etc... just seems a little too daunting. Yet, I know I have no choice but to keep on going and face whatever comes across my path. Only I don't really want to. What I want to do is throw myself in the floor kicking and screaming and see if I can get my way! DH's asked me last night to just tell him in plain English what he can do to make things easier. I wish I could do that. I just don't know what would make things easier. He sees it like a simple tell me what to do and then it will be all better. I am much more complicated than that and therefore can not even begin to know how to make this better.


I truly don't think it is depression. At least not in the sense of "Oh go to the doctor and get a pill to fix this..." It's more like DH and I have been together for a little over 6 years now and maybe I am starting to get an itch. I mean I thought things would be a lot different. They are not necessarily bad but something must not be right for me to feel like this. Most days I am OK with that. But when my stability and independence are taken away then I get little less tolerable.

I don't want to be this ungrateful sounding person. I am so grateful that DH has the only out of our home job. I do not know how working mothers do it. I am just not as good at multitasking. I know if I had to I would some how make it work. But I am truly thankful that I do not have to do that. I am completely willing to go with out the extras in life if it means I can stay home and focus on my children. I am not a high maintenance girl. My husband is grateful for that :) Maybe if I talk myself out of this funk it will go away for good this time.
I am sure my 4 readers out there are tired of hearing my long winded complaints.

So for my family, friends, and self I need to pull myself out of my grumpiness. Maybe I will go back to my room lay down on the bed and try one more time to find the "happy side".

Lost at sea

Tonight I am sitting here wondering about so many things.

It is so hard to not get overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like I am caught in a rip tide. My feet come rushing out from under me and all of a sudden I am drowning. At least this is what I think a rip tide would be like.

One moment I can feel happy and like things are going just as I think they should and then something happens and nothing seems OK. What is this? Is it because I have been struggling with my faith? Is it because I have four children and never saw that as what my life would be? Is it because I seem to be the ONLY person in this world who can see the goodness in the man I am married to? What is this thing that is trapping me down below the surface of my desires to be happy.

Some might think it is postpartum depression. I would argue that I have felt this way since long before the baby came. Some would say I have been pregnant back to back for 5 years and so that is contributing to these feelings. To this I would say YES that could be it. But I see these other Mom's who seem so in love with being a Mom. Why can't I have that? Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids. I just don't feel the same about the exhausting, draining, hard work that it takes to do this job.

I feel like I am going to ruin my children's lives. I yell too much. Twice in a month two of my children have told someone else that "Mommy doesn't like me" What is that?!?!? I have never told any of the kids that I don't like them. Are they trying to elicit sympathy from their listener? Or do they really feel this way? Is this normal for young children to feel rejected when a new baby (or 3) comes along?

I try everyday to make each child feel like they are the MOST special person in my life. Yet they still fight constantly with each other. Lately I find myself either completely ignoring their fights or snapping at them for each little inference. How can I call myself a loving mother if I yell at them, send them to their rooms, spank etc... ?? But what am I supposed to do? My patients are so worn out. Even if I ever do get to sleep through the night again (which I am seriously doubt will ever happen in my life) I don't think it will change who I really am at the core.

I have spent my life trying to be a good christian, a good daughter, a good friend, a good wife, a good mother etc... Where is it getting me? I am not sure who I am any more. Beyond the basic titles of wife and mommy, who am I? I am surely not the girl I was in High School. That girl deserved a big kick in the pants. I am not the young lady I was in my 20's. She was a know-it-all who had an opinion about everything and judgements to dole out to anyone who did not meet her standard. Now I am a woman in my 30's and I am lost!

I question everything I have ever thought to be true. Where did my sense of self go? I thought getting older would help me to be wiser. I thought I would feel like a grown up eventually. I am lost in a sea of diapers, spit up, stomach viruses, and left overs. The list could go on and on.

When does the peace come? Maybe I am hitting the rebellion stage that I never got to enjoy when I was a teenager. Probably not but I do have this overwhelming urge to just runaway (for at least a few hours anyway). Where would I run to? Well, I have no earthly idea! That is the problem. Everyone tells me to find time for myself! Yeah right! I don't even get to go to the potty by myself anymore. If am cruel enough to close the door, I get to listen to a small person on the other side scream "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY....!!!!!"


Does it get better than this? I don't mean theoretically I mean does it actually get better? These are all questions I do not have the answers to. I am not even sure I want the answers (too afraid it will scare the *bleep* out of me).

So, that leaves me to wonder these things to myself. I would not dare voice them for fear that someone might think I don't have it as together as they think I do.

Failure is not an option...right? So I guess I need to pull up my big girl pants and put on a happy face and keep on keeping on.

Getting the word out

I took this off another blog (thanks Jenster) and wanted to post it here to because I think it is SO very important for women to be informed. I had never hearf of this before and am more than shocked by this news. ope it can help someone.

Whymommy at Toddler Planet has a message to share. She's a young wife and mother who was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer when her infant stopped nursing on one side. There was no lump and it appeared to be mastitis. Instead it was the very sneakiest form of breast cancer. But I'll let her tell you about it:We hear a lot about breast cancer these days. One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetimes, and there are millions living with it in the U.S. today alone. But did you know that there is more than one type of breast cancer?I didn’t. I thought that breast cancer was all the same. I figured that if I did my monthly breast self-exams, and found no lump, I’d be fine.Oops. It turns out that you don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer. Six weeks ago, I went to my OB/GYN because my breast felt funny. It was red, hot, inflamed, and the skin looked…funny. But there was no lump, so I wasn’t worried. I should have been. After a round of antibiotics didn’t clear up the inflammation, my doctor sent me to a breast specialist and did a skin punch biopsy. That test showed that I have inflammatory breast cancer, a very aggressive cancer that can be deadly.Inflammatory breast cancer is often misdiagnosed as mastitis because many doctors have never seen it before and consider it rare. “Rare” or not, there are over 100,000 women in the U.S. with this cancer right now; only half will survive five years. Please call your OB/GYN if you experience several of the following symptoms in your breast, or any unusual changes: redness, rapid increase in size of one breast, persistent itching of breast or nipple, thickening of breast tissue, stabbing pain, soreness, swelling under the arm, dimpling or ridging (for example, when you take your bra off, the bra marks stay – for a while), flattening or retracting of the nipple, or a texture that looks or feels like an orange (called peau d’orange). Ask if your GYN is familiar with inflammatory breast cancer, and tell her that you’re concerned and want to come in to rule it out.There is more than one kind of breast cancer. Inflammatory breast cancer is the most aggressive form of breast cancer out there, and early detection is critical. It’s not usually detected by mammogram. It does not usually present with a lump. It may be overlooked with all of the changes that our breasts undergo during the years when we’re pregnant and/or nursing our little ones. It’s important not to miss this one.Inflammatory breast cancer is detected by women and their doctors who notice a change in one of their breasts. If you notice a change, call your doctor today. Tell her about it. Tell her that you have a friend with this disease, and it’s trying to kill her. Now you know what I wish I had known before six weeks ago.You don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer.A couple other misconceptions that need to be addressed are these:
I’m too young for breast cancer.If you’re old enough to have breasts then you’re old enough to get breast cancer. According to The American Cancer Society (ACS) more than 11,100 women under the age of 40 will be diagnosed with the disease this year and more than 1,100 will die from it.I have no family history of breast cancer so I have nothing to worry about.Another ACS statistic states 80% of breast cancer diagnoses are in women without a family history.
Because there is no good screening for women under 40 it's very important to do your own screening. The Young Survivor Coalition, a non-profit organization dedicated to the concerns and issues of young women and breast cancer, has this to say:
The best tool for young women to find breast cancer early is to become familiar with their breasts: their shape, size, and what they feel like. Learn what is normal for you. Sometimes your breasts may change throughout your monthly cycle. If you are pregnant or nursing, your breasts will change even more dramatically. If you find anything unusual, see your doctor immediately and insist on a diagnosis. Also, beginning at age 20, have a yearly breast exam by a doctor. Start mammograms beginning at age 40.

Letter to Lucy

I was going to post this on the kid's blog but I decided to post it here instead. This evening Wee wee walk up beside me while I was chatting with my mom on the phone, and had the following conversation with me.

Weewee: Mommy I want to put this outside (folded piece of paper with crayon scribbles on it).
Me: Why do you want to put that outside?
Weewee: I want to put this outside where Lucy is.
Me: Sweety Lucy is not outside. Remember she went to heaven to be with Jesus.
Weewee: I know that mom! But I want to put this outside so God can reach down and give it to Lucy for me.
Me: Well what is it?
Weewee: It's a letter for Lucy
Me: Can you read it to me?
Weewee: Weeellllll it saysssssss there is a place for her paw print right here. And it says Dear Lucy I miss you soooooooooo much!
Me: So you want to put it outside?
Weewee: YESSSSS! So God can reach down and get it and give it to Lucy!
Me: OK baby we will put it out there.

OK this was the cutest conversation I have had with my daughter since her cat died last week. I think maybe she has watched "All Dogs Go To Heaven" a few too many times. We bought the movie yesterday and she has watched it 5 times already. But at least now she is coping with the loss instead of just crying for her cat to come back.
So we went outside and placed her letter on the porch for God to "reach down and get it"
How precious is the faith of a child!

Slam book questions and answers for farm wife

What's your name/nickname? I don't have one....can't even think of one.

If it's a nickname where did you get it and why?
Do you have a significant other (very important question in the lives of high school girls)?yes
Who is your best friend?Tiffany
What's your favorite _Color________? green (I'll let you fill in the blank. Typical Slam book choices were color, band, song, movie, number, food. You can fill in as many or as few as you like. OK, so maybe the questions weren't really that deep, but we were adolescents...sue us!)
Do penguins have knees? no...ummm...I don't think so anyway
Who's hotter: Dead Poets' Society Ethan Hawke or Reality Bites Ethan Hawke? Dead Poets Society ;)
If you were stranded on a desert island which lead singer would you most prefer to accompany you? Eddie Vedder
AdamDuritz, Eddie Vedder, or Michael Stipe . And why? He's the only one I know for sure :)
If one train leaves Boston at 2a.m. traveling at 15mph and a bird flies south from your roof at the butt-crack of dawn which side of the bed will you get upon? the left side
Given a free long weekend & $1,000 you were not allowed to spend on bills, what would you do? Amsterdam
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Enough
Leave us with your favorite quote.

"When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk you'll end up as the pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."-- Pablo Picasso





Feel free to answer these for yourself and leave me a note so I can check out your blog. Or answer in my comments section.

My accomplishment for today

Today I have been trying to think of ways to be thrifty and possibly make some extra money. This is a common theme in my thoughts everyday. I went to the store yesterday and I could not make my self pay $7.99 for the refill pack for baby wipes! I just think that is a little over the top as far as pricing goes. So I decided I would just make the trip to the Dollar Tree today to see if they had any wipes that would do for my two littlest ones. Sometime in these thoughts a conversation from over 10 years ago replayed itself in my brain. Funny how that kind of recall works but half the time I can't remember how to spell my own name or which of my children I am trying to speak to. Any way I digress. So, this conversation was with a friend in college who had recently become a mommy. She was telling me how to make my own baby wipes. I remember thinking at the time I will NEVER be that thrifty! Never I will always buy everything I need pre-made. Well, my my how things have changed since having children! I not only entertained the idea of making my own wipes but I actually did it!!! Wow! Yeah me!! This is one of those moments where you go, hmm I really am a mom now. I will let you all know how it goes. I am hoping this works because it only cost me maybe $2.00 for 230 wipes as opposed to at least $5.00 for that many wipes.
OK now onto the money making idea. I am not sure I want to share all of it just yet. I still have to research and work through a few things in my own head. But I have the budding of a possible home based business in my head. I really need to come up with something. It is not like I can get a job outside our home right now. With all the kids it would actually cost us more (in child care) than I could bring home every week. So more on this idea of mine later.

Now about our upcoming move. Which by the way I should be packing...but you all already know how lazy and procrastinating I am. Here is our plan so far. We are moving out of the house that we currently live in. And into DH's mom's house. For three months. At the end of three months he will either be at the job in Delaware or we will be heading back to TN. Not very concrete by any means but it is the best I have to work with right now. DH cannot in good conscience take a job in TN that pays half of what he makes here. The job that is available in DE pays more than his salary here in PA and the benefits are way better. We defiantly agree that we want to move back home with in the next year. We just want to make sure that when we do things are in place so that we will not struggle so much. Let's pray that things work out to get back to TN before #1Son starts kindergarten next year. If not then I will seriously have to rethink moving him after he starts school. So bear with me while I work through this agonizing decision process with my DH. He changes his mind sometimes more that most people change their underpants:)

Thought this was interesting and pretty accurate

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Nicknames....

OK here is a random....or maybe not so random thought ....I stink at coming up with nicknames. Each of my children have been given a very appropriate nickname from their father. If my DH comes up with a nickname it usually sticks pretty well. Me on the other hand it just sounds silly...even to my own ears. Here is the dilemma though... (this has nothing to do with my kids) I need to make a new email account. I cannot think of anything that fits me to make as my email name. I am tired of having my actual name as the identifying factor in my email accounts. The reason I am feeling urgent about this is that we will be moving at the end of the month and so my comcast account won't work anymore and I need an account for all my subscriptions to be sent.
So how do you all choose such great nicknames for yourself? And secondly if I may impose does anyone out there have a creative idea that they would not mind sharing with me???? I am desperate to have a cute new nickname:)

OK so I am rereading this before I post and I have decided I really do have a pathetic sense of creativity.


While I am asking questions I have one for "a wandering heart" (since I know you read my blog..hehehe) How do you do those great collages with your pictures??

OK I will be back later....so put your thinking caps on :) LOL

To move or not to move...that is the question?

OK today the big joke seems more real than on most other days. It seems in my life every time I let my guard down and let my dreams flow they are at once all shattered and I feel worse than when I started out. When will I learn? Should I give up all my dreams or hopes just so it won't hurt when things don't go the way I want them to? I know this does not make much sense. So maybe I should start with why I am feeling like this today.
I have been so overwhelmed this week. We have decided that despite our best efforts living in Pennsylvania is just to dog gone expensive. My husband has to work upwards of 60 hours a week just so we struggle to make it through the next week. Our basic needs are barely met. And with each of our four children having needs of their own the task to meet them is daunting. So, we decided to give it up and go back to Tennessee. This would make me so much happier. I miss home. I miss the ease of life, the familiar places, and faces. The kindness that you find in most all people, the hospitality and the food :). I miss my family. I know going back home will help with a lot of our problems. It has been so disappointing to live here. Some things, like the cost of living, could be over looked if other things, like the family relationships, were easier. I hate to even admit that we made a mistake. I am not equipped to deal with the politics that come along with a family that has been so severed by divorce and addictions. I did not grow up in this kind of environment and so my skills in coping with it now are not as refined as my husband's. Don't get me wrong there will be family members that I will miss so much that it hurts to even think about leaving them. But on a whole I am the kind of person that needs a lot of love and support from my extended family. That need is not being met here. So it makes my home sickness even more acute.
OK I am rambling. So our plan is to move back to Tennessee in about 3 months. In the mean time we are going to move out of our house and back into my MIL's house. In order to save money. If we were to try and stay in our house it would cost so much that it might take us another year to get where we could afford to move. The commute from his Mom's house will be hell on my husband. But he is willing to do it. So we have set the ball in motion. We gave notice to our landlord. I am starting to pack and at the end of this month we will be residing with his Mom again. Not so bad for us. I love his mom so much and do not have to hard of a time living with her. It is his younger brothers and their girlfriends that are a little harder to live with. But I can manage if the end result is that we will get move back home.
My DH put his resume out on some head hunter sites and immediately got a call from a company in Delaware. This company happens to be on that he has dreamed of working for since he got out of school. The benefits are great. The pay is decent. And the location is right in Delaware where we could be closer to his family. Yet, I feel so scared that he will want to take the job. I know that if he takes the job he will only be happy for about a year (if that) and then we will be facing the same thing all over again. I feel like this is the last time in our life that I want to make a major move. #1son will be starting school in a year and I want him to have roots. A place where her can grow up and know that he belongs. I was willing to make that place here in the Mid Atlantic area but now that I know DH needs to get out of Aviation and find a new career path, I want to go home. IS this selfish? I mean I want what is best for our family. He has a choice to go back home and possibly only make $14-$16 dollars an hour or stay here and make $25 an hour. The difference is not lost on me. I know $25 an hour would be better but living here and having the hope of going home presented to me made me want to go home more than anything. I can not see us ever being really happy here. There is too much hurt, the is too much...ugh..I can not even think how to put it into words!
So now I am faced with do I make my husband keep his promise to me? Or do I let him take a job that I am pretty sure he will not want to be at with in a year or so?
My only prayer now is that a job opens up in the Nashville area that pays better. His ultimate plan is to go back to TN with an aviation job but to enroll in school to become a HVAC technician. He really wants to own his own business. And we both feel the better place to accomplish this goal is Tennessee.

OK so I am trying to keep my hopes high and not be so scared that he will not make the right choice. It is just so hard when I have had so many let downs in my life. Just once I want something to go the way we plan it. Instead of turning into something we never saw coming.

On that note I will quit rambling and griping about my crazy life.