What a week

Oh boy I have had a busy week! It all started Saturday. I was in a lazy mood, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere. It was a good plan. Until that evening. I discovered that Princess Fairheart had cut her first two teeth! I was so excited to find her teeth because she is the first of my children that I discovered her teeth first. With the other children it was always someone else. #1Son my sister found his first tooth. He bit her one morning. Weewee's first tooth was found by my MIL. And BB's first tooth was accidentally discovered by my MIL as well. She thought I had already found it. So, I have been anxiously looking for PF's first tooth. I found it Saturday evening! I immediately called my MIL to tell her I finally found one of the kid's teeth first! When I called her house I found out she was up at the hospital. DH's grandfather (Pop) was there. He was in really bad shape. The Doctor told us he only had hours to live. He was in multiple organ failure, or so they told us at the time. Of course we dropped everything, called for someone to watch our children and rushed to the hospital. Our whole family was sad and scared. We all went to say goodbye and hope that he passed quickly and painlessly. I spent the night in the hospital with him. Not wanting him to be alone, we all took shifts. I stayed there for more than 24 hours straight. Emotionally and physically drained, I came home Sunday night. I just needed to see my babies, take a shower and get some sleep. My phone rang off the hook. Every time it rang I expected the worst. We pretty much spent the next 24 hours in that state, waiting and fearing the worst. When the doctor came in Monday, the whole scenario changed. He was amazed that Pop was still with us. They wanted to do a surgery to explore what was going on. But our family asked them to run tests first. After more blood work and a CAT scan, they discovered that they were wrong about his diagnosis. OK there were a lot of emotions that went with that announcement! First I was mad that they got it so wrong. Then I was relieved that he was not as sick as we thought. And then there was the feeling that things could still be really bad. The doctors discovered that instead of having an embolism (blood clot) that cut the blood supply off to his major organs. He had a blockage in his intestines. Apparently he had a lot fluid on his belly (that they drained off) and when the pressure was relieved the blood flow was restored and his prognosis was much improved. He still needs a surgery to repair his bowel and stomach. Now they are trying to get his strength up so that they can operate. Tentatively on Monday.
I think it is interesting to note that you never know how much someone has affected your life until you are faced with losing them. I have not cried for anyone (who passed) since I was 7 years old and lost my Great Grandfather (my hero) and my Great Aunt in the same couple of months. I remember after Granddad passed and I cried for a week straight, I told myself that I would not cry for anyone else. I haven't. I am not a cold person. I just never have grieved like that again. I am the strong one. I don't break down. I stay strong for everyone else. But on Sunday I found myself in such a state of grief. I love Pop! He has been such a force in my life. Until this past year (his health declined so much) I had been pretty close to him. I always tried to make sure we visited him, brought him groceries, spent time with him, etc... Then he moved into my MIL's house (to have 24 hour care) and his started developing dementia. We have not been as close. Mostly because he has a hard time remembering who I am. I feel like it has been a long goodbye. One that I had prepared myself for. Yet, as we sit on the brink, not knowing how much longer he has, I am deeply sad that he will not get to see my kids grow. He has always been all about the kids. On Sunday, while his hospital room was filled beyond capacity with all the people who love him, he told his older sister that all he wanted was "his". His children, their children and their children's children. He needed his family! That really sums it up! When I first met Pop, six years ago, I was pregnant with #1Son. I will never forget what he said to me. He told me that people come and go, but our children are the only thing worth dying for. Our children are our life. They have to be the most important thing. Never choose anything over your children. He went on to tell me how many times he had been married and how it never mattered if those women came and went. All that ever mattered was that his kids were OK. Today that conversation is still as fresh as the day we had it. He was right. People will come and go but our children are our legacy. I just hope that someday when it is my time to go, I will have mattered as much as Pop has mattered to all of us!
We will see how this all plays out. The only ting I know today is that we have him for now. We are treasuring each moment until the end. And when he is gone there will be a huge hole in all of us.

I am sorry that the tone of this post is sad. But that is where I am right now. I am living in the moment.

Until next time...