Today was such a great day. I did not get through my whole to do list. But then I never do. But I got to play at the park with my kids! It was such a hot and sunny day. The city had the water fountains on for the kids to play in at the park. My kids were so thrilled! They have never played in the fountains before. They ran around got soaked and laughed so much. Even Biggoo got pretty close to the water. He was not too sure what to think. He was way more interested in playing on the playground equipment. He did his little "hep meeee" routine again when we started to leave. This was our first outing where no one asked me if all my kids were mine. And no one commented on how busy I must be. Word must have gotten out about how much I dislike that. Or maybe I just looked more like I knew what I was doing.......nah.....that couldn't be it.
Daddy came home from work early and surprised us with a trip to Dairy Queen!! His favorite place in the world. the kids were so excited! #1Son and Wee wee both wanted to order a banana split. But since this was way too much ice cream for a 4 year old and a 3 year old, the lady who works there made one banana split in two containers so they each thought they were getting their very own banana split. They were so excited and I did not have to pay for ice cream they would not eat...everybody came out a winner. Biggoo was too funny he kept going between his daddy's blizzard and my cone and then getting bites from #1Son's ice cream. He was running around crazy...all hyped up on sugar. Good thing it was early and he had plenty of time to run around before dinner.
After our family date (that's what #1 Son calls it when we all go somewhere together). Daddy kept the older kids while I got to go to Walmart all by myself!! Well of course I had Squeaky with me. But she slept the whole time. I actually got to look at things I wanted to with out anyone asking me for a toy or to go potty or any other annoying thing. Oh how I needed that little break. It helped so much that I came home and did not mind cooking dinner. Even though hubby did mention that he wanted to take me out for our anniversary. Maybe we can do that tomorrow. But on the whole it was a great day. Sunshine does me a world of good.

Good morning...

Today so far is a beautiful day! Yesterday was so busy! In the latter days of my pregnancy we got used to not going anywhere. It was just too hard to get everyone loaded up and on our way. So we stayed home unless absolutely necessary. But since Squeaky is here now and I am feeling so much better I find that we are on the go a lot more. I am so thankful today for my husband who picked up the slack for so many things when I was pregnant. Happy anniversary darling!! Yep, to day is our anniversary! It seems like we have always been building this life together. I can not imagine being anywhere but here with him!
OK that is enough sappiness for me...
So, we will be off and running today... I had hoped to stay home and clean today, but lets be honest how much cleaning would I really get done? It is much more fun to go shopping. That's what I did yesterday. Had to get hubby's father's day present, this is the first time ever that I am prepared early. Also several folks in our family had to get new shoes yesterday. That was fun! I was so glad the store was empty except for us and the sales lady. Biggoo kept running away from me, until I set him on one of those benches that you sit on to try on your shoes. Then he just sat there and said "Hep meeeee hep meeeee pleeease pleeeease!!!!! Until I could no longer stand it and decided to let him run around. He also did the whole help me routine all the way through Walmart!! Most people thought it was cute a couple of people looked at me like I was crazy! I get that a lot now. What is up with that!?!? I mean hasn't anyone EVER seen a lady who has 4 kids before??? If I had a nickle for evey time someone says "It looks like you have your hands full" or "My you are a busy mom", I would not have to worry about the bills that's for sure!! It happens so much that I think I was kind of rude to a guy at Burger King yesterday. He was there eating with his one child and I noticed he was watching me. Then he did it. He made the "hands full" comment. And so I said "Yep, I sure do and if I have a nickle for every time someone said that too me I would be a wealthy women!" I did not really mean to sound so harsh it was just that I had heard it so many times and it hit me wrong. He was a good sport about ti though he laughed and said he guessed a lot people must notice us, because it seems rare to see big families these days. He said he admired me for how well behaved they all are. So it turned out pleasant but I felt bad for using such sarcasm. Oh well, I guess I will just have to get used to that since I can not hide the fact that we have 4 little ones.
OK so that rant is over....sorry had to get that out.
One more thing then I HAVE to get my day started...So, my brother is freaking out on me. He thinks I am crazy because I posted pics of my kids on my myspace account. Now let me say this before anyone gets upset, my Myspace account is set to private so only people I authorize can see my profile and pics. And everyone on my myspace is someone I know actually I have one virtual friend on there but she is not a threat!!!! But my brother is convince that I am putting my kids in danger by having their pics on there. Now, he has my mom on the band wagon. So I got the big lecture last night. About how pretty my daughter is and how there are predators out there etc... So, now I am wondering am I doing the right thing. Again I think it is totally safe because my profile is private!! Oooh how I hate self doubt!! OK so now I am wondering should I pull the pics off the web? and if so then how will all my friends get to see pics of my kids....unless I email them all the time. Anyway, this is my worry to ponder on today.

I need to learn to type faster or go to bed earlier so I can blog without the kids interrupting me.

OK now that I have that off my chest....I have been thinking for a couple of days about this post. Bear with me though while I work it all out in my head. I hope it does not come out too random or unreadable.
Recently when I was pregnant with Baby Girl (who we are now calling Squeaky) I went through an incredible depression. I think I may have eluded to that in a previous post. This was the first time in my life that I can say I was truly clinically depressed. It was so bad that the Doc wanted to put me on medication. Which initially I was fine with until I found out that the medication could cause two really serious problems for the baby. In hind site it is good that I did not take the meds because then I would blame myself even more for Squeaky's medical issues. I can not honestly tell you if my depression was because I was pregnant again and did not want to be or if it was because of the loss of a friendship that meant so much to me. A few months before our family moved to PA my best friend and I had some sort of falling out. According to her husband she might have had some sort of break down. She just stopped talking to me. I was so devastated. For one reason she was the first person I had referred to as a "best friend" since I was in college. It is not a title I throw around lightly. But also she was someone who I spent everyday with. I had invested so much into this friendship and then she just stopped talking to me. It hurt a lot. I am usually a very guarded person when it comes to letting others into my heart and life. I spent several months literally crying about this friend. Chuck tried to help me understand that it was not my fault. My friend's husband told me it was not my fault. But when you are me it feels like it must be my fault. It was really hard to pray about it. Which was the advice my mom kept giving me. But one day I told God how lonely I was. I was not in some major down on my knees situation or anything like that it was more like my heart was crying out in desperation. I did not even realize until just this week how deeply I was effected. So, I tell you all of that to say this... After my heart cried out, so many people who I knew when I was much younger have contacted me. I did not put all of this together as a blessing from the Lord until this week. A friend I knew since elementary school found me. I did not even know anyone anywhere was ever looking for me. It was a shock. I know I think about people and randomly will try to find them on the Internet. But I never in my life EVER thought anyone would be looking for me. Another friend from youth group (yes, you Farm Wife) found me right after my Squeaky was born. That has been a blessing in so many ways. The number one being that I know I am not the only person my age who has 4 kids...lol! Another couple of friends from high school have made contact with me and these were people who I thought really did not like me. Since we had not talked at all since graduation. A friend from my old job has gotten back in touch. A friend that I worked with and was really close to (until I got married) got back in touch too. All of these connections have been pretty recent (in the past 4-5 months). I realized that I am not alone. I have made some kind of impression on people's lives. Which is still amazing to me. I felt like (with the loss of my friend last summer) I must be a very forgettable type of person. I told myself a lot that I must not be a good friend because it seems like I lose more friends than I keep. But recently with the influx of people who have known me a long time coming back into my life, I realized that I am worthy of friendships. Sappy huh?
Well whether it was hormones or other emotional stuff that caused my depression I am more than happy to report that I feel like myself again!! I no longer feel like life is too much. Or that the glass is half empty. My optimism and faith have returned! And I have to Praise God for that! Because I was really tired of hearing myself complain. I can not even imagine how my Darling husband must have felt listening to his normally overly optimistic wife turn into a deeply disturbed pessimist.
Thank God for a positive outlook!!
Have a great and happy day today!!

Yesterday was our very first trip out shopping with all of our children!! When I only had one child it was no big deal to pick up and go somewhere. At the time I felt like it was a major undertaking but in hind site it was a breeze. With each additional child it has become more and more difficult. Here is my checklist to leave the house:

1. I have to remember to pack a diaper bag for at least 3 small children.

*This means Diapers for Baby girl and Biggoo (this our pet name for BB), a sippy cup for Biggoo, change of clothes for Wee wee, Biggoo, and Baby girl. Refill wipes. Make sure there is a pacifier in bag.

2. Snacks for everyone and juice boxes for #1 Son and Wee wee.

3. Make sure there is a least one toy for each in the car

*if not search toy box, bedrooms and playroom for perfect toy to take along...then fight with #1 son about why he can not bring his baseball bat for a ride in the car.

4. listen to children fight over where each is going to sit. Even though their car seats are secured and not going to be moved.

5. load all four in the car, buckle seat belts and car seat restraints.

6. Listen to "are we there yet?" for the entire duration no matter how long or short a trip is.

7. Be asked a hundred times to either turn the music up or down or change the storybook tape etc...

8. Stop at least halfway to "Go potty"

9. Listen to my two older ones fight about everything...."he's looking at me" "he's spitting at me" (that one is usually a fabrication of her imagination) "she took my book" and it goes on and on.



If Daddy is with us then he joins the chorus as well. It is more shouting to stop fighting and don't kick the back of my seat and the ever popular just be quiet till we get there....(like that will EVER happen)

The whole time I am thinking this is crazy we should just stay home. Because this is just the car ride to get there.

So, yesterday we decided to go to the mall. We had a relatively easy ride for most of the way. So I can not complain because I know it could have been so much worse. We had a decent time a the mall until I decided to go into the Disney Store. I thought it would be nice to let the kids pick out a toy since we so rarely get to buy things from higher end stores. So I turned them loose in there and told them to pick something out. Wee wee did not have too much trouble she eventually decided on two little kitty cats from the movie Aristocats. #1Son However, had an extremely difficult time. He wanted a Power Rangers gun......we don;t let him watch Power Rangers so that was a big fat no. Then he wanted a set of squirt guns that had buzz light year on them...they were$20. I said no we can buy much cheaper squirt guns since they all always break anyway. He started to through the biggest fit in the store. I guess he forgot who his parents are!?!?!? I tried to convince him that if he could not find something that he really wanted (besides a gun) then we could go to a different store to get him something. No, he could not grasp that concept. Luckily for him when I got in line he found a water doodle pad with Buzz Light Year so that worked (especially since it was $7). But from then on through out the mall, my children behaved worse and worse. It is a good thing we only go to the mall 2-3 times a year!

So needless to say by the time we got home yesterday I was exhausted!! So today we are staying home.

OK I wrote all of this earlier....then the power went out!! So there went my plans...again! I planned on blogging while the kids ate breakfast then getting them dressed and outside so I could clean the house. I am not nearly as Brave as Lauren to post before and after pics.....too embarrassing......my mess is MUCH worse...lol. Anyway, the power went out and with no lights and no water (our well pump is electric) I did the only thing any sane mother would. I got them all dressed and went outside to play. Well, they played and I weeded the flower beds and raked the edges of the yard. It felt pretty good to be outside. We had a picnic lunch out on a blanket in the yard and Daddy surprised us and stopped by the house during his lunch break today!!! Now they are all down for a nap and I should be cleaning my house, but here I sit enjoying the quiet and feeding my Internet addiction. Oh what is a SAHM to do??? I know wishing is not going to get this house cleaned. I wish I were bestowed with the powers of a Genie. Then I could just blink away the messes. No such luck I am not even blessed with great organizational skills, hence the huge mess we live in. Oh how I miss the days before kids when I could clean once a week and never really have too much to pick up. But gone are those days!!! Oh well, I guess I better start doing instead of thinking. I am such a procrastinator!!

Picture perfect...

This morning while my house is unusually quiet , #1Son and Wee wee are at a sleep over, I thought I would take advantage and try to write for a little while. Yesterday we had such an exciting day. first Aunt Carrie, Uncle Mark and Hannah Banana came by to see the new baby. Aunt Carrie brought her camera and we got some great shots of baby girl and the bigger kids. Baby boy was taking a nap though and so we did not realize until after Aunt Carrie left that we did not get any shots of Baby Boy. I promise he is real....even though there has been no picture evidence since he was 4 months old. This would have never happened with #1 son or wee wee. It seems though with each new baby we get less and less pictures and less and less documentation (ie baby books). #1 Son had 4 (yes I said 4) baby books, a pregnancy journal, pictures from the hospital, and a complete scrapbook. Wee wee got a lot less, She has a a scrapbook with about 7 pages finished, a baby book that is partially filled out, and no hospital pictures (not by my choice. The nurse took her and told me she made her pics but then when I tried to order them there were no pics....that's what happens when your baby is born on New year's day and your nurse is lazy!).....With Baby Boy he has a keepsake box, hospital pics (but not many more since he was 4 months old) no baby book and no scrapbook yet......and Baby girl well she was 13 days old before we got any pics of her. I think Daddy snapped some in the hospital but they are on a disposable camera. And if my record of getting those things developed holds then we might see those pics before she graduates high school...lol I have at least 7 or 8 disposables to get developed. So I say all of that to brag that yesterday (the day I actually started writing this post) my Darling Husband took me (and all four kids) to the mall! And he surprised me by getting the digital camera I wanted!!! I am so excited! I was up late last night taking sleeping pictures of my babies. Look out world we are about to be inundated with pics of my babies, pets, friends and whatever will hold still while I snap a pic of it :)
So if I know you in the real world look out in your in boxes for new pics of my family soon.

If you are wondering about the title of my blog.....

I did not choose this title to be offensive. It just seems like the theme for my life right now. So many things that I had planned to do or not to do have changed in the past couple of years. It seems like every time I make plans for anything, life dramatically changes. And since I am a christian I believe that God is in control all the time, the logical conclusion is that this life might be a joke on me. I know I need to learn flexibility. I know I need to learn to not control everything. I guess that is the reason God blessed me with so many children. In fact I have a friend who has 7 children. When my 3rd was born we were in the church parking lot talking and her husband commented to me that children were a blessing from God and I replied to him that I had all the blessings I needed or wanted and that they could keep on being blessed without me. It was said in a joking matter but I was serious. I did not desire anymore of that kind of blessing. So what happened 7 months later I was pregnant again......by some weird accident. We were being so careful. And yet now the proof is here Baby girl arrived May 14th. Already she has taught me so much. I do not regret having her at all. Even though I spent most of my pregnancy resenting the fact that I was pregnant and going to be even more tied down than I already am. I was completely overwhelmed at the thought of having another baby. I already feel like there is not enough of me to go around. How would I ever manage four children and a husband? There already was no time for me. I had plans of starting nursing school in January and now that had to be put on hold...yet again! It seemed like God was saying, "No, Jackie, this is what I have planned for you. Trust me not yourself." And honestly I did not want to hear that. I wanted to finally reach a goal of MINE!! Yet, here I am a stay at home mommy. I have these four beautiful creatures that God has entrusted me with. And when I get out of my own way and really see what I have I am truly blessed. My newest addition has taught me to slow down. To savor those moments that we can never get back. I know we have a long hard road ahead of us with her medical problems. Yet, another of my fears realized. I always felt like with each additional child you are tempting fate. The risk of having a special needs child gets greater. And I already know that struggles and pain of caring for people with special needs. After all I did that for years before I was a Mommy. But, when they handed me my brand new baby girl, it was not her deformed foot that I saw. No, all I saw was this precious little girl who only needed my love. I had this peace that told me even if everything did not go as planned it would all be alright. I am not scared. I did feel guilty for not wanting the pregnancy. I did feel like maybe it was my fault. But my Mother talked me out of those trappings. The thing I have learned to do is slow down. Enjoy my baby. I am not wishing her babyhood away. When I nurse her I have learned to slow down and focus only on her. It is not a chore like it was with the other babies. I see it as my opportunity to be quiet and rest. So what if chaos is going on all around us. She will never be this old again. I will never get these days back. At first I thought these feelings were because she is my last baby. But I don't think that is it, after all I thought baby boy was my last. No, this time it is because I know this is exactly where God has me. I need to be thankful for every moment with these precious children, they grow up too fast. Also I heard something yesterday that has changed my perspective as well. If I do not love life and take care of myself, my children will grow up not knowing how to love themselves. They mirror what we do. If I only love them and not me they can not learn to love themselves. I know it is cliche to say that something on Oprah changed me but it did.
So even if this is God's joke on me, then I guess my sense of humor is getting better.
Stay tuned I am sure this journey is not over yet.

Funny days....

Ok if you have kids you know every once in a while they do something so funny that you bust out laughing. Two nights ago my 16 month old son was standing near the new baby's bouncy seat. WHen I went to pick her up he immeadiately looked inside her seat and found something to put in his mouth and chew on. I was so busy trying to change her diaper and get her started eating that I barely noticed what he did. When I opened her onsie I noticed her umbillical cord stump had fallen off. I looked in her diaper no stump, I looked in her shirt no stump...then the light bulb went off. I called Baby Boy over to me, checked his mouth and there it was a oooey gooey well chew stump!!!!! He apparently saw it and though it must be something good to eat. But then continued to chew it for a couple of minutes till I took it. It must not have tasted too bad he was pretty upset when I took it from him! This will definately be one of those embarrassing stories to tell when he is older.
My oldest daughter (we call her wee wee, short for sweetie) is three and half. She is so funny. She talks to all kinds of inanimate objects. Not the normal talking to her dollies and stuff, I mean she talks to blankets, clothing, toys.....basically anything. If she tries to cover herself up with her blankie and it is not straighten out she will get frustrated and start telling her blankie to "stop it, ooh stop doing that..." When I come to see what is wrong, she gets all upset and tells me that her blankie won't listen it "keeps going all wiggly". The funniest one she said recently was when she had her panties on backwards. She started to cry and when I asked her why she was crying she said "because they keep following me" I asked "who keeps following you?" Her reply: "the princesses" The picture of the princesses was on the back of her panties instead of the front and she couldn't figure out how to change it.
I think the funniest thing that #1 Son has ever said to me would have to be the day he walked into my room, while I was still pregnant with Baby girl, and he asked me what was wrong. I told him I was not feeling good because of the baby in my belly. He said "Mommy, I think we have too many babies." I told him not worry that after baby girl was born we would not have anymore babies, she would be our last one. He replied " Is that because Daddy got his penie cut?" I was shocked and a little confused about how to reply. I was not sure he knew what that meant and then again I was not sure he did not know what it meant. I asked him "what do you mean?" He answered in his most matter of fact way: "YOU KNOW..because Daddy had an opperation like Lucy(our cat) and they cut his penie!" I said "yes, baby that is why we won't have anymore babies." He was satisfied by that answer and started to walk away. As he got to the end of my bed he turned around and looked at me and said "Well, I hope it works for you!" I almost died laughing!!!!
To be a mother you must have a sense of humor. It is not optional. If you can not laugh at life then you will be very sad.
So enjoy your children everyday.....find the laughter....it is truly heaven sent!

My first post......

Ok here goes......I am officially starting this blogger thingy......maybe this will be an easy way to keep in touch with friends. I am always looking for some way to keep in touch.
Also I am hopeful that this will be an outlet for me. Being a stay at home mom is a dream come true...except for the lonely part. The part where you feel isolated from all other human life. Well, with a 4 1/2 year old, a 3 year old, a 16 month old and a newborn...it is very easy to feel isolsated and completely alone. So even if this turns out to be me and my computer communicating I can at least say to myself maybe someone is interested and reads my silly stuff. I am sure this can turn into something beautiful. So hopefully you will enjoy reading about my life and antics.