One day at a time...

The Christmas season is off and running. I may be lagging behind in the race but I am still in it. We put up the tree. I let the kids decorate it all by themselves (well I put hooks on ornaments and handed them to them). They are so proud. We sold two of our puppies yesterday...yay me...that means a little extra to spend on gifts. Daddy is coming home on Christmas eve. Won't the kids be excited to wake up Christmas morning to the best present ever!!!???!!! WE going to bake cookies today with the cousins. So all and all I am feeling a little more festive.

Depression is a very serious thing. I never understood that before. I used to think that people who were depressed should just "look on the bright side" or "cheer up". I never understood the dynamics of the disorder until it started to effect me. I am not sure why at the age of 32 I am suffering from a bout of clinical depression. But I am. My normal positive thinking has not helped me to shake the sadness. So I started seeing a therapist. I think I am going to use this blog (when I need to) to follow my journey through this. I know "this too shall pass". I am hopeful that I will not only find the answers I need but maybe just maybe if I am blogging about my journey I might help another woman out there who feels as alone as I do. So bear with me my friends as I start a journey to healing and hopefulness. More than anything in the world I want to get my faith back. More than anything I want to feel real true joy again. And more than anything I want to feel safe, secure and healthy. This is a roller coaster ride for me. I am up and I am down. Some times I feel like the world is spinning out of my control and I wonder will I land on my feet or my hind end. It is a scary thing. Sometimes not knowing which way is up. So I am taking it one day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time. Just knowing I am not alone helps more than anyone will ever know.

Until next time...

BAH HUM BUG!!!

The Christmas season is upon us yet again. However, I feel more like Mr. Scrooge this season. I have just been so blah and bah hum bug! Turkey day was nice but did not feel like a holiday. Don't get me wrong the food was great, the company wonderful...it just did not feel like a holiday. Can't really explain it but several of us have thought about having a do over. Black Friday took on a whole new meaning for me this year. I never ever go shopping on that most crazy of shopping days. I am just not that brave. I am not that into shopping anyway. If I was rich that would be one job I would hire out. A personal shopper would be my greatest luxury. But, I digress. Back to black Friday. I decided that, since I had a willing babysitter, I would make the 40 minute drive down to my Mother-in-law's house to retrieve our Christmas stuff. We have had all of our Christmas stuff stored in her basement since we moved from Tennessee two years ago. Our first Christmas here we lived at Chuck's Mom's house so naturally that is where it was at. Last Christmas we decided not to unpack it all because we lived in the smallest apartment known to man.
So, I made the drive down there. I visited for a few minutes and then I prepared myself to go down into the dungeonous basement and load my van with fourteen years worth of Christmas cheer. I was actually starting to get a little Christmas Spirit. I descended down into the depths and to my shock and horror every box was gone. In the place of my beloved boxes was a pool table. I looked elsewhere. Surely they (meaning my *&%$#@!!! Brothers-in-law) put those clearly marked boxes some where else. I looked through everything. No boxes! I went back up stairs sat on the couch with my Mother-in-law. You know the woman I have grown to love and cherish so deeply. I tearfully told her that all my boxes were gone. I felt like a little girl begging for some one to make it all better. We looked in the attic, as if any one that lives in that house would ever carry those heavy boxes up two flights of stairs and into the attic. I came home and looked in my own attic, as if the man I am married to would ever put anything in the attic on his own accord. These were both absurd ideas to begin with.
So, at this point you are probably asking yourself; "What happened to the boxes?" Well, in my heart I knew immediately. You see this past summer my Mother-in-law rented a dumpster. They were going to clean out all of the junk in the basement. We all went down there and clearly marked what stayed and what was trash. We had a supposed system. Bright orange (hunters orange) stickers were placed on the boxes and other stuff that went. If it did not have an orange sticker then it was supposed to stay. My Brother-in-law swears it was my husband who threw away my Christmas stuff. Which is absurd. For goodness sake he lives with me and he knows how precious those things are to me. Which is what he told me when I called him last night.
So, my effort to shake off the bah hum bugs has just crushed me. I feel so betrayed! My friends all want to take me out shopping. But at this moment that will not help me through this. I lost irreplaceable things. Stockings that my husbands grandmother (who passed away in June) made for each of our children. I was so glad she got to see each of them born before she passed. I can't get those back. My ornaments since I was a kid. All the ornaments I have collected for my kids each year. Our first Christmas ornaments. My Christmas village, Fitz and Floyd collectibles, my Christmas around the world stuff that I earned and bought while working for them. Oh my goodness the list is long. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I had collections of snowmen, angels, bells, and tea pots. Things friends have given me that I treasure. The key for Santa. Wow! The more I think about it the more I remember that I had.
I keep telling myself that it is just stuff. But I am just mad. I gotta shake this for the kids sake.
But right now I just feel like saying BAH HUM BUG!

Struggles and joys

This week went so well until last night. I have been getting my energy back, feeling more like me. A bad case of mono knocked me down for the count for way too long. It would have been nice to know I had mono before the last week or so of feeling bad. LOL But the point is I have been feeling better. Then all of a sudden I woke up this morning and it was all too much to deal with. I did not sleep well last night. Could have been because I drank two sodas (with caffeine) way too late last night. I could not sleep well at all. About the time I tried to go to bed my youngest son (not quite 3 years old) woke up. He needed to be changed. This is the third night in a row that he has woke up and needed to be changed and then gotten into my bed with me. I don't mind so much (most of the time). Having him sleep in my bed makes my bed feel a little less empty. So, last night after I changed him and put him into bed with me, he decided he was not at all sleepy!! UGH!! At 3:30am I was getting a little fed up with the constant chatter. He finally fell back asleep. And so did I. Then the bad dreams started. I can not really remember exactly what I was dreaming. I get so frustrated when I forget a dream just as I am getting ready to talk about it. I know whatever the dream was I was scared and sad and lost and alone. I cried in my sleep. Normally when that happens to me my Chuck is there to wake me and hold me and tell me it was just a dream. But he can't do that when he is across the world in Germany. So, I woke up this morning to my 17 month old daughter screaming (as usual) to get out of bed. My 4 year old and her best friend ready to play after a successful sleep over and my almost 3 year old still sleeping in my bed. My first thought was I wish Chuck were here so I could sleep in. He must have sensed that I was in need. Because within minutes of waking up he called. It is always good to hear his voice. Today however, our conversation just made me feel all the more helpless without him. Why does everything have to be so hard? We made a decision a couple of weeks ago. I want to put my kids in daycare and get a part time job. I think maybe that is why this week seemed so blissful. I had a break to look forward to. Until yesterday. I called 12 daycares! Yes, I said 12! Nine did not even answer the phone. One had no openings. One would not quote me a price until after I toured the facility (I have an appt Wednesday evening). The one and only daycare I got to quote me a price was outrageous!!! They wanted me to pay: $160 a week for my 17 month old, $150 a week for my 2 year old, and $140 a week for my 4 year old! So, for those of you who (like me) are not quick with math that is a grand total of $450 a week or $1800 a month! When I asked about a multi-child discount they all but laughed at me. I was assured that they had the "lowest" rates in the area and that I would not find a better deal. OK well let me just slam my head against the wall and see what kind of results that gets me. UGH!! How am I ever going to get a break? I just need a little time away from the demands of 4 small children. It was not this hard when Chuck was here. I complained a lot about how much he did not do. But now that he is gone I know how precious the little breaks were. Now I can not do anything with out little ones following me, needing me, crying to me, tattling on each other, fighting with each other, painting on my walls, making messes that requires a bio hazard team to clean up, etc... If you are a mom you know the drill. They never stop amazing me with the things they can come up with. The other day Matty (who no longer wants to be called Matty- he shall now and forever be known as Matthew or Buzz Lightyear) was supposed to be laying down on my bed for his afternoon nap. I foolishly thought that he had fallen asleep (since there was no noises coming from my room). Instead, about 30 minutes after I had laid him down, he came sneaking out of my room. He announced that "I had a good nap Mommy!" When I looked up what did I see? My 2 year old was covered in craft paint! Head to toe! We are talking face, arms, legs, hair, clothes EVERYTHING! So I put him in the tub and went to find out where he painted and how he got the paints. I keep all of the children's art supplies, videos, books, crayons, markers, glue, etc... in my closet. I thought this would be the most controlled place to keep the most messy stuff. Logical or so I thought. While Matt was supposed to be napping he got into the closet (very quietly) and pulled out craft paints. He proceeded to paint my walls, dresser, comforter and himself! I gave him a bath and then made him take a nap in his own bed! What is a mom to do?
I am losing the fight. It is four against one and I am just too overwhelmed to be the Mom that I want to be. I try darn it all. But it is all too much for me right now. People ask me all the time: "How do you do it with four kids?" I always think it is such a dumb question. Mostly because I can not think of a way to tell them what it is like. Just like you can not tell someone what it is like to be a parent, because it is just something you have to experience to understand. The same is true with four kids. I have friends who have four (or even more) and they do not seem to struggle the way I do. They do not seem to be falling apart. I wish I could say to folks "How do you think I do it? One moment at a time. Just like everybody else."
Right now it is gloomy. My happiness meter is low. I am lonely for my husband. My kids are challenging me in ways I never thought possible. And yet, I can not give up this fight. I will make it through this. Because the one thing I know about life is that this too shall pass. If a can hang on long enough I will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So, this is me hanging on. It is not pretty. It is not fun. It is just life.

What do you say?

This is a two part entry. It started as a letter to an estranged friend and turned into something completely different. Don't mind me I am just trying to reason through my feelings and thoughts.

What do you say to the friend you thought you would never lose? I am so sad and sorry that we don't talk anymore. I am still confused about what happened to us. My life is filled with so many losses and so many hurts. I think so often how much I would like to just pick up the phone and talk to you. I tried to call you once this summer. It was on a day that I ran away from home. I was gone for 4 days. I felt like the world was shifting beneath my feet. You were the person I wanted to call. You were the one person I knew who would understand. But all I have gotten from you is silence. Why is that? Did I do something unforgivable? For the life of me I can not figure out why we are not friends anymore. If you would just tell me. Is it about me? I have tried to think of everything (which about drove me crazy) until I could not think of it anymore. I miss you! I miss so many of the little things. I miss just hanging out and laughing and eating and watching our kids play. I miss talking to you when my world was upside down. You having the right things to say or least a good plan to cheer me up. I tried to be that kind of friend to you as well. You changed my life. You were the first true friend I had made since college. It is a rare thing to find a true friend. I never once thought that we would be estranged. I foolishly thought we would be the best of friends till we were little old ladies sipping tea.
We shared the music of our lives together. It haunts me everyday that you are gone.

So I have settled. Settled for less. That is maybe the theme for my life. I always seem to settle for less than I am worth. Turning 30 changed me. My ideals, goals and expectations. I wonder does that happen to everyone at 30? Do you think that it is common to look back at your twenties and think I was so naive. I was really idealistic. I used to believe that everything always works out for the good. I used to have a gift for it. Do you think that God is punishing me? Do you think that all the loss and hurt is because I am so awful that even God must punish me? I mean I don't go to church anymore. Everything that happened at at our last church sealed it for me. I have tried. Really I have. Recently we started attending a local Baptist church. My next door neighbor goes there and I thought we should try it out too. My kids hate it there. I can not understand it. They have always loved church so much. But they hate this one. To tell you the truth I am not so fond of it either. I am not sure why though. I think it is because I feel so much anxiety about being there. It reminds me of a time when I was married to a person who was in the ministry. A time when my life had a ministry. A time before all the chaos. Before all the compromises. I am not me any more. The problem is I don't even know who I want to be. I am so sad. I am so lost. My faith has be squashed. My good natured outlook is cynical. I wonder who have I become. I wonder is this depression? If so the anti depressant the doctor prescribed is not doing it's job. I am scared. It seems as if everything moves at too quick a pace. I was 30 two years ago. So why do I still feel a sense of loss. Why do I mourn the life I had when I was 20 something? It wasn't so great back then either. I had bigger dreams and less worries. But it all seemed tough to go through at the time. It seems like disappointments are bigger now. I look back and think of where I saw myself heading...and you know what I see? A girl who had no foresight. Looking ahead has never been my strong suit. I have always lived for today. Looking for the good in all things. Just "knowing" everything will always work out for the good. What happened to all that faith? I will tell you. Life happened. Twists and turns in the road. A few surprises thrown in for good measure. Love, loss and betrayal. Responsibility, worries, fear. Looking back I wonder at which crossroads would a different decision have changed everything? I believe that every person every day does the very best he or she is capable of doing. No one wakes up in the morning and declares "Today I think I will see how bad I can mess things up". No one does that. Yet, how is that a million little decisions and a few really big ones, can make such a mess.
I wish I knew what would make it easier.

I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring. Tomorrow (well actually later today) our nation will elect a new president. In the deepest part of my soul I know that nothing will ever be the same again after tomorrow. What is better, to learn a new skill and look into the future with a plan? Or continue to hope for the best? Do I jump on the wagon with those who are preparing for survival? I feel it in my soul that we are in for some very hard times. Yet, my over privileged American self does not even comprehend what hard times means. Does that mean that I need to find a job? Does that mean I should stockpile food and supplies? Will my husband have a job? Is he safe over seas? Will he be able to come back home when I need him to?

It's no wonder I am worried. It's no wonder I had a break down of sorts a few weeks ago. But is it really stress combined with a bad case of mono that is causing all if this anxiety?

So many questions, not enough answers. I am haunted by fear and paralyzed in faith.

A letter to a dear friend after years of being estranged

I worte this letter today to a dear old friend. Yet it seems so wonderful topost here. This is what I feel about divorce. It changes you. You can not help it. The scar is deep and wide. No matter who comes in to fill a hole in your heart there will always be something missing.

Things have gone so differently for me than I would have ever expected. I have been think about all of that alot lately. I was in the hospital about a month ago. The doctors don't really know what is/was wrong with me. I found out friday that I have mono and that might explain some of what is going on with me. But I have been sick for a while now. Mono does not explain the sudden onset of a dibilitating stutter and severe pain through out my body. The doctor says that was an acute reaction to stress. Although I am not under any real stress. Or maybe I should say under any new stress. But maybe I just don't remember what stress free feels like. LOL Yep, I have four kids. Crazy huh? Me???? I am still trying to figure out what happened. :) We had Z**** and E****. C**** wanted one more. So when E**** was two along came M*****. He was going to be our last. Jokes on me! C**** changed jobs and since his doc would not give him a vasectomy while I was pregnant we had to wait a few months. We were REALLY careful! But some how the same month we moved to Delaware I got pregnant again. He got fixed while I was pregnant. I made him lie to his doc. So we are definately done. It makes my head spin to think of it. Me, you know, the girl who had a great career, a life in the ministry, a set path that included 2.5 kids a house with a fence and a dog. Well instead I opted for stay at home mom to 4 kids (all with in 5 years of each other), wife to a traveling gypsie, no career (no time for that let alone daycare money), no ministry and a failing Faith. What happened there? I am not sure. I have thought alot about it in the past few months. I wonder so often if this is my punishment for my divorce from C***. I am estranged from myself. Sounds strange huh? I know this is way more than you thought a catching up letter would be. Me too. I don't know why I feel like I should pour my heart out to you. After all it has been so long since we have been in touch. Well, I guess I do know that I have always felt a kindred spirit with you. And I remember being able to share my real self within our friendship. That is a rare thing in this life. I think also it must be that you have known me for long enough to know me before. Not many people knew me before my divorce. How can one event change a persons life so much. I am not saying that I wish I was married to C***. Not at all. I love my husband and children more than anything else in the world. Its just that I am not the same person I used to be. I have gotten back in touch with so many friends from my past in the last year or two. And whenever I talkto them it seems as if life has taken them exactly where they thought it would. How come that happens for some people and not for others? I have faced every trial with determination and grit. Always keeping a positive outlook. And yet I am so scared that I do not know how to trust anyone including myself. Do you think it is the same for everyone who gets divorced? Do you think that C*** has problems too? Do you know I have not even spoken to him once since before our divorce was final. Yet I have wondered about him everyday since he left. Not as acutely now as I did in the past. But I think of him all the time. Sometimes I am angry with him. Anger is an aweful thing. Having no closure, no choice in how things ended. Yet knowing how much he truly hurt me. Missing his family. Oh how I miss them. His mom called me about three years ago. She called me to appologize for the way she had treated me through our divorce. She told me that she and his Dad had gotten divorced. She told me about C***'s brother J*** being in the Military over seas and planning to get married. But not even one word was mentioned about C***. She did not offer and I did not ask. It killed me to not ask. I want to know did everything work out for him? Is he happy? Does it seem weird to him to have had a life together and no longer know each other? Of course I can't tell my husband all of this he would not understand. It would hurt him so deeply. I do not want C*** back. I just want to know who he is now. Did it all change for him too? After our seperation I was not allowed to work in our church anymore. They did not want me working with the children because I might lead them astray. That was the single most hurtful thing I have ever experienced in a church. After that it has been really hard to go to church. WE have tried for a long time. But I always feel so uncomfortable. I have not had a church home since Riverside. I wonder what would have happened if we had just stayed. We certainly would have had a different life. I am so sorry to pour this all out to you. I guess maybe I feel like telling you so you maybe could share it with T***** and M*******. I am so heart broken for them. I know God can heal a marriage. Even when someone has been unfaithful. Divorce scars you for life. The blessing in my life is that I have a great husband who loves me more than I may even know. He is patient and understands how insecure I can be. He is always gentle with me. I know he is the one. I just mourn my other life daily.
*edit for personal content*
So that is my weird and probably too much information update.I hope I did not freak you out by pouring my heart out like that.
I truly miss you and am so glad I found you.
Till next time...
~J

First day of kindergarten

#1Son started school today! After 2 years of wishing it was his turn, the day finally arrived. I thought I would be a lot more emotional. I was just so excited for him. I teared up a little right before I was ready to leave. That was only because he was a little frightened. He all of a sudden realized that he would have to stay there all day, with out Mommy or his siblings. I promised to get him at the end of the day and he was fine. So I am going to attach a few pics for everyone to see him.

On the home front, we are all doing well. DH is in Germany. He went a week ago today. It seems like it has been longer than that. I spent several days this past week so sad that it was hard to do anything. Today however, I am back on my game. I am motivated! I will accomplish something today! The larger Dunkin Doughnuts iced coffee has a lot to do with my energy level. Also the fact that I know I am Mommy and I can not keep myself in a such a state forever! So here I am trying to cope. Trying to push through the pain and fear and get it all done. I am starting to realize how my parents must have felt 25-30 years ago. When you are the Mommy you just gotta suck it up and move on. It is now my job to put things in a good light, so my kids learn to cope as well. Honestly it helps to have things to focus on. I am moving forward, today anyway.

Until next time....

The adventure begins...

My man left for Germany yesterday. It was a busy, hard and long day. I felt really loved though. Several of my friends and family made sure that I did not have to be alone for most of the night. It was nice to know they care. The kids are doing well (so far) with this new arrangement. I feel a lot better now that he called to tell me he is safe. The trip went well. He did not get much sleep but then again neither did I.

So the adventure begins. I have so much to do to get us all ready to go over there. the to do lists get longer everyday. I guess as things get closer they will get shorter. I hope anyway.

Today I think I am just going to focus on me and the kids. #1 Son has Kindergarten orientation tonight. He is so excited.

Well, I guess that is all I have to write about right now. So until next time...

Women the big questions...

I am sitting here this evening, trying to recover from one of my worst days. You know, one of those days where nothing seems to go right. Well, today was that day for me. I am pondering all the changes we are going through and all the ones that came before. While standing out front this evening I was thinking about my struggles. I wonder if women are the same in any country? I look up the street and I can tell you a little something about any one of my neighbors. I am not a gossip, just to clarify. I just have befriended (on some level) just about everyone on my block. I know all the stay at home moms, the older lady across the street, of course DH's Aunt and Uncle. My closest friends are my two next door neighbors. I could not have asked for better neighbors or friends. So, anyway I thought to myself, I wonder if women are the same in every country? Will I meet other moms who struggle to keep a tidy house? Will there be a neighbor who I can be a real friend with? Will the kids race up and down the block on their bikes? Will our dreams be the same? It is kind of surreal to think about transplanting my family in to another country, another culture. I am thrilled at the opportunity. But I am terrified by the thought of yet another change! I feel like I am being totally selfish. It is hard to help my kids deal with losing their friends. On top of that it is so expensive to ship stuff over there we are having to get rid of all our stuff that is not essential! Seriously, I talked myself into thinking I was OK with this but deep down I am screaming NO!!! I am not a materialistic person at all. But for some reason I have attached sentimental value to my possessions. There are little silver linings in all of this darkness. On Sunday we had a family BBQ as a send off for my hard working husband. It was really a nice party. After the party Auntie S called me to ask me if the kids and I would stay with her and Unkie D from the 1st of October until the kids and I leave. Hopefully that will be in mid October. I was so overwhelmed. At first I said that would be too much for them, but she assured me that this is what they want to do. So, that took the edge off how I was supposed to pack the things we are taking and sell everything else. Now I can move the kids and I across the street and close my house more easily. It also solved the dilemma about #1 Son going to school. I registered him yesterday. I wrestled this one over and over again. It seemed pointless to register him for school when he is only going to be here until October. But then on the other hand I could not skip it because his little heart would be broken. School is all he has talked about for a year now. My head is spinning! There is so much to think about. I could sit here and list out all the pros and cons. But none of that really matters because we are committed to this now and there is no turning back. It is sink or swim at this point.
Back to thinking about other women. Do we all struggle so deeply and present our selves as strong, fearless and flawless? Are other women like me where it seems like things are going along smoothly and BAM!!! out of no where life shifts. When the dust settles it seems like here I am holding all together, again. See what I mean about it being a down day? I know the sun will come out tomorrow and all that jazz. But today I am gloomy and very Eeyore like.

Until next time...

The great adventure begins...

The days are going by so quickly now. Remember being a kid and time moved so slowly? What happened? Is time really this fast or what? I miss the carefree days of being a child. I know everyone tells you not to grow up too fast. I wish I had listened. But none of that can change now. Unless I built a time machine...oh wait that can't happen either. Oh well, I will just have to suck it up and know that before I can blink my husband will be on a plane to Germany and I will be left here holding down the fort. Well, not only holding down the fort, but packing it up, growing through all our worldly possessions, sorting, storing, packing and traveling. Not to mention the fact that I will be taking an international flight with four children six years old and under! Whew!!! I am tired just thinking about it. I am not complaining though. I know this is how it has to be. I am ok with it. Really I am. I am just overwhelmed. I wonder is there an award for people who stay constantly under stress (of the unusual sort)? Maybe I will come up with one. I wonder sometimes I am the only one who has such a crazy life? Oh I love this crazy life! I wouldn't trade these opportunities for anything. It is just that it is a lot of work. Ok I think my first step is to create some lists. Yeah, that sounds good. If I list out everything I need to get done then maybe just maybe I can get it all done?!?!? I will try anyway....

Ok so I am off to make a few lists.

Stay tuned for more after the break.

Blocked

Well I should be cleaning my house (as usual). I am domestically challenged and a procrastinator. When I realized how long it has been since I posted, I thought to myself how did that happen? A whole month with no words from me? Well, life has gotten in the way recently. I wish I was better at writing here. Kind of like diaries though, I always have good intentions but I get distracted. Recently though I have felt like there is not too much to share.

I do have big news!!! We will be moving (yet again). This move however, will be a lot different. We will be moving to Germany for three years! That's across an ocean! I could blog about my fears, anxieties, excitement, and just plain feelings of being overwhelmed. Not sure if that would be good reading though. DH has been given a GREAT opportunity to back on contract. I am excited that we will get to show our children the world! At the same time though I am terrified! It all seems like too much. #1son will be starting school in a few weeks and sometime during Kindergarten he will have to move to another country! That is not exactly what I had in mind for this year. I have prayed about it a lot. I know that this is what God has planned for our family. Things are working out too well for any other thought to take hold. This is such a great thing for us. But it also means packing (again), flying with four kids trans continental, saying good bye to too many friends and family members, getting better at blogging so I can stay in touch....and the list goes on and on...

For now I am just trying to tackle one step at a time. Depending on God for direction.

There will be more blogging about this I am sure...

Until next time...

Perspective

Perspective is reality or at least that is what is seems. Maybe the saying goes your perspective is your reality. In my new found desire to stay positive it is more difficult today than at any other time. Maybe because negativity has become such a habit. r maybe just this once the reality is that I am hurt and feel used. I had a friend or at least someone I was a friend to that has used me and made me question myself and my ability to judge people's character. Some things never change. It seems as though I always find a way to make friends with people who do not hold themselves to the same standard as me. Maybe this is what the Bible truly means about being unequally yoked. I am trying to figure out how so many other people I know are able to see people for what they truly are. Is this because of some internal monitoring system that they are born with? Or is a learned skilled because they too have been hurt enough to recognize flaws in other before they are hurt? I wish with all my heart that I could see these kind of things coming before they catch me off guard. How do you learn something like that? If it is life's experiences that teach you then how come I am so dumb in this area? Is an internal need to be liked? Is it just stupidity? I seem to repeat the same patterns over and over again. I am not saying that ALL my friends have turned out to be users or that all my friends have hurt me. But when it does happen I am always shocked and confused. DH tells me all the time that other people do not care about anyone but themselves. And where I think that is a very negative way to view people, it seems he may just be right. Or at least in 50% of the cases he is close to right. So what do I do? Stop caring about people? That is like asking me to change who I am. How do I learn to care but keep myself safe? I know these are all questions that have no exact answers and that seems to compound my problem. Am I destined to repeat the same events time and again until I learn to recognize the character flaws of others? Or do I just decided that being alone is better than associating with those who would hurt me again and again? Of course these are all deeply personal issues and I probably should not put all this out on the internet for everyone to know. But I am hoping that I am not the only person that this keeps happening to. Maybe I am not the one with problem. DH tells me that this is not my fault and that whoever blames me has problems of their own. My question is do people who exhibit these patterns actually seek out people who they view as easy targets or is it more innocent than all of that? I know this is not the most uplifting post I have ever written but I want to be honest about where I am today. Maybe all of this is God's way of getting me to get on my knees and seek Him. It's worth a try. I have nothing else to loose. So maybe in my rambling I have found the answer I needed to know today. I will try once again to take my concerns to God. I know sound skeptical. Please don't judge me for that. I am where I am in my walk and maybe I need to just step out of my comfort zone (which is not very comfortable today anyway) and get back to what I know.

My perspective can change I think but does that mean the reality was not what I thought all along?

Until next time I will humble myself and see where that gets me in this journey...

Diamonds in the dust

It's amazing how when you give someone an opportunity (or the benefit of doubt) you may discover a diamond in the dust. That is what has happened to me. I have a new found friendship with someone whom I thought might be able to be a friend for a while. It is funny because she and I have much more in common than I ever would have thought. Yet, for several months we let another person in our lives keep us from connecting. How silly is that? Due to some interesting and unforeseen circumstances we both had an opportunity to talk and clear the air and now we realized that we could be very good friends. It's amazing to me that another person was able to manipulate the situation so that each of us thought the other did not like each other. I am thankful that I have learned over the years to take people at face value. If not I would have missed out on a diamond in the dust. Just another example of looking for the good in every situation.

Summer time is upon us and I am enjoying the ability to be out and about. We have not bought a new car yet. But I still feel a sense of excitement that there is so much to do outdoors. We are experiencing a break in the heat wave. It is so pleasant this week temperatures are in the 70's which is so much better than heat indexes that hit 105! It is time to be outside more! Forget about the house (mostly) and get outdoors! That is my new motto.

Today we are off to go swimming at Mommom Jen's. My kids love going over there to play and swim. Her house rocks. I think that it is so awesome that we are living so far from my home and family and yet so many people have invited us into their families and take such care to be there for us. It makes everything so much easier. I am not nearly as home sick as I was last summer. I am finding that when you bloom where you are planted great things happen.

My best friend just bought her first house! I am so proud of her and happy for her! She (of all people) deserves this! She has worked so hard for years now as a single mom to three kids. She has put up with so much crap and now she is finally reaping the rewards of hard work and perseverance. So give it up for my BF!! She deserves a round of applause and congratulations!!

On the home front (meaning how are the kids doing), Princess Fairheart is giving kisses! Yes, it is fabulous! I love it when your baby goes from just accepting all your love to reciprocating it! She just started giving kisses this week. She has been hugging us for a while but the kisses are like icing on a cake! She is also trying really hard to learn to walk. It is hysterical. She can take only a few steps at a time right now. When she falls down on her hiney though she looks up to see who is watching and then she claps her hands together and squeals. It is just too cute.
Weewee is turning into such a sweet little girl. She has a best friend now. That is the sweetest thing I have ever witnessed. They talk about EVERYTHING. They walk around holding hands and sharing secrets. They make up songs together and try to spend every waking minute together. It really helps that her BF lives right next door.
#1 Son spend all of his time trying be a grown up. He is 5 going on 25! He thinks he knows everything. As frustrating as it is at times I am totally thankful that he is so sure of himself. He also has a best friend but it is much different for boys. They spend most of their time beating the crap out of each other and then crying if they are separated from each other!?!?! I don't get it but I guess that is how boys are.
BB is making little to no progress in the potty training arena. I am not letting myself stress about it though. I figure he will get it sometime between now and kindergarten. He is becoming quite independent though. We have to keep a really close eye on him at all times because he has been sneaking out of the house when no one is looking! He is too quick sometimes. So we added child proof handles to our front and back doors. Hopefully he won't be able to figure them out. We'll see.

Nothing is better than being their Mom and I am truly thankful to have them. Thank God for my little ones to fill my days with love, work and the unexpected.

Until next time...

Car shopping

Saturday DH and I went car shopping. Shocking, I know! Especially since for 2 and a half years I have said "No way no how!!" to any form of car shopping. Not because I don't want a new car. Because believe me I do. But because I hate having a car payment. It is so stressful. I have loved owning our car and knowing that no matter what it is mine. I loathe paying a bank more than what a car is worth for the privilege of driving it and having to repeat the process over and over again every couple of years. With that said I had a thought that maybe we should start looking for a newer car. DH was talking about how much money we needed to spend to make our two vehicles run right and comfortably. UGH!!! That seemed like a waste. I mean let's face it my van is almost 8 years old! It has no air conditioning. It will cost around $900 to fix the air (that is an estimate that is 2 years old by the way). The transmission is messing up. I keep missing gears I think. It sounds like it needs new fuel injectors, brakes and some kind of turning arm. It has 133,000 + miles on it. Oh yeah and it is really hard to get in and out of (possibly the very last van to come off the assembly line with only one sliding door). I am killing myself trying to buckle children into car seats. DH's truck is an even sadder story. It is OLD OLD OLD, UGLY and LOUD. He hates it. The windshield needs to be replaced as well as the front grill. The interior is really ugly. But it runs OK. I would rather trade DH's truck in toward a new car. That way he can drive my old van and we have two vehicles that the rug rats can fit in. But it looks like we may trade the van in because it is worth more. I am waiting to hear from the banks today to see if we will be able to get the loan.

Oh I need to back up and tell you about the the new van and our test drive. We went to a local car lot and talked to a sales guy who showed us a Chrysler Touring since we are interested in a Dodge Grand Caravan (we have a Caravan now). They didn't have the Caravan on that lot so we looked at the Chrysler (supposed to be nearly the same vehicle in style). It is a 2007 and very nice! It has duel sliding doors and air conditioning! I was sold immediately! Oh yeah and it has power EVERYTHING! Another upgrade from my van. So we loaded up the children and took it for a test drive. It drives very nicely. Lots of power! DH liked that. While on the test drive DH asked if we should get the little ones a drink (since they were still hot and thirsty from the drive over to the car lot) I agreed and we went through a drive through window. The plan was to get the drinks and switch so I could drive back to the dealership. That was the plan until DH hit a 12" piece of cement barrier as we were pulling out of the drive through lane! He was so mad. We pulled into a parking space and he got out to look at the damage. There was damage! Oy Vey! So DH marched into the chain restaurant and probably said some really nasty things to the manager. Because it was a totally unmarked and impossible to see curb (based on the number of marks on it we were definitely not the first to hit it nor the last I am sure). So needless to say DH drove back to the dealership and let the salesman know we had damaged the vehicle. Mean while Weewee was crying because her drink spilled when Daddy hit the curb. BB was crying because he did not want his car seat in the new vehicle (he hates change) and Princess Fairheart was using her loud voice to let us know she was still there. I was getting a headache and wondering what kind of idiots take three of their four children to a car dealership with them!?!? In the end we are still going to get a good deal on the van and the dealership is going to fix the damage at no cost to us! I am very hopeful that I will get a call today that we are approved for a loan to get the new van. At a rate that we can afford. Hopefully it will all work out. I know that if God wants us to get a new vehicle then we will get it. If not in my heart I am still thankful for the one I have. I am content. I have already survived two summers without air and will make it through another as well. So either way I am happy and content.

Until next time...

Tragedy

Does it ever seem like several days have attacked you at one time? I read that on a bumper sticker once and now I think I know what that feels like. Can you believe that half of the year is already behind us. I gave up on New Year's resolutions several years ago and now with the way time is flying I am glad I did.



So it seems that I am at yet another crossroads in my life. I am trying a new approach. Well, not really a new approach but just refreshing my natural optimism, or something like that. A positive attitude goes a long way, you know. I am reminding myself to look for the good and maybe just maybe I will find it where ever I look. I am approaching friendship the way I did too many years ago to mention. When I was young I was the encourager. Not the complainer. Somewhere along life's road I took a detour and lost my way. In recent years I think I have become a more and more negative person. Not all the time mind you, just a lot more often than I used to be. To be totally honest I am not very fond of the negativity I have been displaying lately. I think that when a person acts in a way that is contrary to their nature the behavior is amplified.


I will get back to positive thinking in just a little while. While I was writing this post last night my dear friend and neighbor was going through the most unreal situation. Her best friend (since college) lost her mind yesterday. She went to her ex husband's home and shot her own son! Allegedly she lost a court fight to have a protection from abuse order (PFA) lifted and visitation granted. The judge told her she needed to get her self straightened out and then he would hear the case again at a later date. So, this woman marched right through that PFA and tried to break into her ex's home but when she found only her oldest child there and he would not let her in the door she shot him (through the door) and then broke in. The son was able to escape out the front door and a passing motorist gave him a ride to a shopping center where he called police. This is one of those things you see in the movies or on the news this kind of thing does not happen in your life! I am so shocked! My friend is in an utter state of shock! This was a woman who spent the past thirteen years of her life at home raising her children! I have met her a half dozen times or so and she always talked about how much she loved her kids and wanted to get them back. She never seemed like a dangerous person. It is such a sad sad story. I hope something good can come from this. I know God can use any situation to bring people to him. I just pray that she gets the help she needs and that her family can heal from this devastating event. I know it will take time and even then only God's grace can give the healing and peace that they need. So, please pray for not only the mom who shot her son but also for my friend "Teeny Tee" and her family. These two ladies have been friends for a long long time. Their children have been raised together and the shock is too much for my friend.


Until next time....

Faith begins with one event...

I can't believe another week has sped by. We live in a time of such haste and waste. Remember when you were young and time dragged on and on. It seemed like forever till Christmas (which by the way is only 28 weeks away). Remember how we would start school in the fall and a lifetime (or so it seemed) would pass before summer vacation rolled around again. I want time to slow down like that again. I remember my parents telling me to slow down and enjoy my youth because it is so fleeting. I wish I had understood. Maybe it takes being a parent to get it. Maybe age just changes time for us. I am not quiet sure. But here we are a week gone by and too many things to get done in ten lifetimes. I wonder if the people who lived in Bible times ever felt like 100 years passed too quickly. Could you imagine? What if our lives lasted as long as people's lives lasted in those days?

OK enough pondering impossibilities.

I want to share how God works n mysterious ways. I know I am not as "spiritual" as I once was. I know some of you are praying for me to find my way back home. Thank you! So, maybe I took the first step on the road home last night. In February my family and I moved into a new home. It is a rental (much to DH's dislike). We live right across the street from DH's Aunt and Uncle. The house is just the right size. We are one of only a few homes in this development that has two bathrooms and an addition of a family room/den. It is such a God thing because originally when we knew this house was empty the rent they wanted for it was way out of our budget. So we never really gave it too much thought. DH's Aunt and Uncle kept trying to get us to look at it but we knew we could not afford it. SO a couple of months went by and the house was still unoccupied. DH thought there must be something really wrong with the house but I convinced him that it would not hurt to look at it. Since we were all living in a one bedroom apartment and I was about to loose my mind. When we came here to look at the property the agent really tried to talk us out of renting it, It was the weirdest thing I have ever seen. She told us everything she could think of that was wrong with the house and then some. Looking back I think she has her eye on the property to buy and flip. But we were not dissuaded because the price for the rent had dropped to well below what was originally asked and well with our price range. We were thrilled. I was glad to have family across the street. We quickly met our next door neighbors and found out they have three children and the younger two are the same ages as my older two. The husband actually knows DH's step father. He babysat DH's step brothers when they were little and grew up with DH's step father and his siblings. Delaware is a very small place. We have since become really good friends with our neighbors. We never really tried to reach out to the neighbors to the left of us though. Maybe because he is a State Trooper and with our crazy dysfunctional extended family cops just are not the first people we pick for friends. So our trooper neighbor and his wife have three kids. A boy who is ten and twin girls that are three. We have always been friendly but never really taken the opportunity to really get to know them. #1Son loves to play with their little boy since he older though sometimes I limit their playtime. But recently (since our puppies came along) we have seen more and more of each other. Just casually in the yard talking for a few minutes here and there. The trooper's wife is a lovely lady who runs ragged because her twins are a handful. Earlier this week their son (I'll call him Lil B) came over and told me his Grandfather had passed away in FL. I sent my condolences and offered my help in any way that it might be needed. Well, Trooper went to FL to take care of arrangements and left K (his wife) home with their kids. All week has been a huge challenge for her. I watch her struggle to contain her girls and manage everything with out her man here to help. offer several times to help her but never get took up on the offer. Until last night she came home and her lawn needed lots and lots of care. I took the twins and let them swim in our little pool and play in the sand box while she cut the grass (DH offered to do it for her but she refused). While cutting the grass Mrs E (older lady across the street) came over with her self propelled mower and set to work the help K. It was amazing how we all came together to help a neighbor who needed a hand. After the lawn was done and I had bathed my children and her twins. We all gathered in her back yard for a little impromptu bon fire weeny roast and marshmallow roast. The kids had so much fun. I made a new friend. K and I stayed up all night (3:30 am) talking on her patio. We shared so many things. It was amazing that God had placed her in my life at just the right moment. We talked about faith and trust in God. Struggles in friendship and marriage. You name it we talked about it and easily! I am so amazed that this family I had decided not to befriend based on an idea of who they might be has turned out to possibly be the reason we moved here in the first place. I saw God working in and through her last night. I can not possibly explain how much our conversations effected me. I know was time set aside for God to really speak to me and to remind me of His unending love for me. It was also a time for me to reflect on my responsibilities as a child of God and a mother and wife. In those hours spent getting to know K and her enormous faith, unjudging spirit, and love, I was remind of who I am. I am barely able to put it into words. I know the ripple effects of last night will be felt in my spirit for years to come. I know more than ever that we live right where God wants us to be. I am excited and scared. I know my journey home started last night.

There are other events I could write about today. Mundane musings of motherhood. Ponderings of the great unknown and such things. But this faith journey of my life clearing a path I have not walked in a long time. It may not be an easy walk. In fact I know it will not be. But I feel a peace in my heart that I have not had in years and years. What is God calling me to do? To be? I don't know the answers yet. But I feel peace and love today for the first time in so lone. I am basking in that knowledge.

Oh joy it's Monday again! And it is the first day of June. This is my favorite time of the year. No more frost. Warm (sometimes hot) beautiful days! And the promise of an active and fun summer. What's not to love!

I spent the weekend spring cleaning. Oh what fun! I am in the mood to purge again! We have entirely too many toys. I think I am more emotionally attached to them that than the children are. I am actively trying to get over it! Today we will try to get rid of more toys! Yep it is a lofty goal, but one that has to happen. So the dilemma is do I pack the toys up and store them in the attic? Or do I just bite the bullet and give them away? Decisions decisions...I think I will just start at the beginning and start packing them up. How many toys are enough? It's funny because I don't even think they play with all the toys but I seem to be cleaning them up all the time. Kind of like dishes that reproduce while the lights are off.

Next weekend I am hoping we will get to pull our carpet out. It really needs to be done and there are beautiful hard woods under the carpet in the main part of the house. We have an addition (a family room (playroom) and bathroom with adjoining mudroom. No hard woods under there though. That carpet is pretty gross but it will just have to be cleaned until we can figure out what to do in there. I would like to find a couple of area rugs to cover the living room and dining room. Maybe not the dining room. It's a big project and DH wants to finish the front yard and garden before starting on the inside of the house. I think I am a little selfish cause I would rather have the inside done first. But I get it, people drive by and see our house everyday and form opinions about us because of how the house looks from outside. So I am compromising.

On the home front, my children are LOVING the nice weather! It is so fabulous that they can play outside all day and come in totally filthy and exhausted! They have helped there Daddy plant the garden (DH believes he has finally found his "happy place"). We are restless about getting to go swimming. We have a couple of offers from different family members who own pools. So in order to not overwhelm them we will be taking turns as to whose house we will hang out and swim at :) Princess Fairheart turned 1 last months and is still not interested in walking. Maybe it is because she is the baby?!?! All the other kids walked on or before their 12th month of life. She also still only has 2 teeth. She seems to be trying to cut a couple teeth on top but no luck yet. However, she refuses to eat baby food. She gums down whatever we are eating. She gets really upset if someone bigger than her has something else to eat. Don't you dare give her any mushed up, pureed, nasty flavorless food. She wants the real thing! So far I have found very few things my little princess will not eat. #1Son is five and a half going on 35! I swear he thinks he calls all the shots! And arguing with EVERYTHING! When did he decided to be a temper tantrum thrower! It is exhausting me. I am tired of fighting about EVERYTHING! Everything that does not go his way is "NOT FAIR!!!" UHG!! BB is talking so well. Most people look at me like I am crazy when I tell them he is only 2 and a half. The other day we were having cake at Auntie S's and he turned around (with his mouth half full) and told her "this cake is deeeeelisssiusss!" Delicious can you believe his vocabulary? He surprises me all the time with words he uses. He is definitely going through the tenacious two's! He thinks he is the boss of everything! Weewee and I are going this afternoon for a Mommy and Weewee day. We are going to get our manicures and pedicures! DH's cousin does nails and has offered to give us mani's and pedis...YAY!! I am so thankful for the gift because with four kids in tow I never really get to splurge on such indulgences.

So, I am off to purge a bunch of toys, referee several arguments and just be mom...don't you wish you had my day ahead of you?!?!?

This has been such a fun week. Weewee told me on Tuesday that she is so happy to have our family "be one big family again!" Daddy being on day shift has been wonderful for us! There is so much more family time now. Our life is getting back into a good routine. I am amazed by the difference after just one week. DH has been helping around the house and in the garden. It is taking a lot of stress off of me. Even today when I am not in the best of moods. I know things are getting better.

Little lessons:

Changing children's bedrooms around is almost too much work for one Mommy. But well worth it for a little more organization.

Children each have their own little quirks. You have to take the good with the bad and keep on smiling.

Two year olds who are potty training love to get naked randomly through out the day. Watch out for peepee pull ups randomly hidden in the house.

Cats love to drink from a freshly cleaned toilet bowl! What is up with that.

9 puppies, 1 dog, 1 cat, 4 children, 1 cousin, and 1 husband makes it really hard to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

Until next time...

One day at a time...

After the busiest weekend (so far) I am spending the first day of DH's new day shift sitting here being way too lazy!!



This weekend we had so much fun. NO DRAMA! Lots of activities and I even managed to get most of my children spend one night away with Grammy!

DH came home Thursday night to inform me that he was going to day shift starting Tuesday!! Hooray! We have been waiting so long to have our life back! He has been trying to get on day shift for about 3 months now and finally his company transferred him! So our routine will be back up and running and our life might get back to normal. We do so much better when he works days. I don't feel so alone in raising our children . We all get to enjoy more of his awake time and all he has to sacrifice is a few cents on hour in his pay grade. It is really a win win situation!



Knowing that he was moving to day shift made our weekend so much more fun. DH did not feel like he had to get as much sleep as possible over the weekend. So he was available to do a bunch of things have been on his "Honey do List". YAY! We got our yard looking much better. The only thing to make it better will be when we actually get to put in grass in the front yard. Yes, we have a dirt pit out there. Last year the reality company had 5 trees removed from the front yard because their 50 year old roots had penetrated the sewer system. The city would not replace the sewer lines until the trees were gone. And the contractor left a huge mess behind! We have mostly dirt and mulch in the yard right now. Being the perfectionist that he is, DH wants to re level the front yard and drop a dump truck full of topsoil out there before we plant grass. Right now the weeds are starting to take over but who cares since all that will change as soon as we get going on the restoration of our yard.

We spent a good part of Friday a Saturday working outside. Saturday I took the older kids down to their Grammy's house (she is leaving for an extended trip to California today) because the kids wanted to spend time with her before she goes away. It was so nice to clean the house on Sunday because there was no one to go behind me all day and mess it back up! I only got 3/4 of the way done with all I had to do but it was still worth it! I am hoping that while DH is on days my cleaning routine will get back in shape.
On Sunday we went to a BBQ at Grammy's house. Miracle that it was! We had such a great time. It was so nice to have a family gathering where there was no drama! We don't often get to do that with DH's Mom's side of the family. It was refreshing and gave me hope that we can build a nicer future with them. We came home kind of late on Sunday but that just meant the kids slept in on Monday morning. Which was good because I have been so sleepy lately. We got up on Monday and I decided that since it was a holiday and it was so pretty outside I would let the kids fill up their little pool and play in the water. My children had the greatest time playing outside ALL day long. In the early afternoon we headed across the street to Unkie D's and Auntie S's house for a block party. OK, so it was not the whole block that got invited (only the people we really like being around). The kids all had a great time. Auntie S had prizes for them. There were supposed to be games but what can I say I was a slacker so we just gave them the toys she bought and turned them loose in the yard. They had their pool, 100 water balloons, squirt guns, pogo sticks, balls, jacks, bubbles, noisy whistles, little gross things that either crawl down walls or grew in water!! It was so much fun. WE had great food, good drinks and awesome company! We decided that we have to have a lot of cookouts this summer.

Yesterday was the HOTTEST day of the year! I got cooked alive. How is it that I always remember to put tons of sunscreen on my kids and all the neighborhood kids but never on myself! I am baked and not in the good way ;) Since it was so hot during the day (and we don't have any air conditioning) it was sweltering in my house last night. I don't think I ever got cooled off. I woke up this morning thinking seriously we could use a little cool down. SO it is overcast today but very humid and not helping the house feel cooler. I am steady praying for a cool breeze.

On another note pray for DH he is applying for a job in Germany. We are really hoping he gets it. We would love to take the kids over there for a couple of years while they are still little. It is a great opportunity. When we come back (if we get to go) we will be able to buy a house and make such a better life for our family. His best friend has been there for about 3 years already and we would love to see him again. I don't want to get too excited about it but Justin just told us today that they are officially hiring for Germany and so we have submitted DH's resume for consideration!

OK so before the children destroy the entire house again I have to run for now....

Until next time...

What am I flypaper for freaks?

My life has been filled with drama as usual. I am wondering today why I attract people who have so many problems. And how do their problems always end up influencing my life. I have a friend who I had to take to a detox facility two nights ago. I am the kind of person who always makes it very clear to people that I am a very conservative, honest value based person. Yet, it seems like lately the people in my life want to share their deep dark secrets with me. People should realize that I can not and will not keep a dangerous secret! So, don't tell me you have problem with drugs if you don't want me to help you get out of that situation! One of my really good friends confided in me that she had a problem with prescription drugs. It took me a whole week to see how bad the problem really was! I think she probably let me know because deep down she knew I would require more of her than anyone else has. I am glad I am her friend and I am glad that I was here to help her. She is in detox right now. And she will probably have to go on to a long term rehab program. I am proud of her for being so brave! She has lost somethings that are very dear to her. She lost her fiance'. She is on her way to losing her child. Not to mention her job and life style. All because she had an accident two years ago and a doctor prescribed pain killers. She got hooked. It is so amazing to me that something so simple has stolen her life. She is addicted to pain killers. She has turned into a person that even she does not recognize. It is so sad. Yet at the same time now that she realizes ha=ow badly it has effected her life she really wants help. I am proud of her for that. I am glad I am her friend. I am torn about lost about how to help someone who is in trouble like this. I know honesty is the best policy so I try to always be truthful with her no matter how much it might hurt her feelings. Finding a balance between helping someone and letting their problems consume them is a hard thing to do.
I don't know why I am even posting this topic. Maybe it is because I know this kind of problem is becoming an epidemic in our country. Good people go to doctors for help and become drug addicts! It is such an awful thing to go through. I wish there was more I could do to help her. I pray for her and I am here to support her.

I told my husband the other day that it breaks my heart to get close to people anymore. Because it seems like every time I get a good friend she turns out to have more problems than I can handle. Is that selfish of me? I wonder. Really I think more than anything maybe people seek me out for my honesty. Maybe just maybe God leads them into my life so that I will use the gifts He gave me to help people. It amazes me that I am not an addict and I have been really sheltered from the lifestyle, yet more people have walked into my life in the past couple of years that have a drug problem than I could have ever imagined. I wonder if this is what I am supposed to do with my life...help people get into recovery. I guess I will just continue to make myself available and see what happens.

On another note. I have only my kids at home this week. It feels so weird! I am loving spending time with just my babies. We are having lots of time to snuggle, play, work on our learning and just plain have a good time.

Little lessons:

1. Two year olds will bargain with you (if you let them) BB goes to timeout and he begs and begs and begs to be let out. " I gon baheve myself" (whiny voice) " I be niiiiiiiccce I pwmise" And then we cut to a broken hearted crying spell when I do not immediately let him out of being punished.

2. Puppies are pretty resilient little buggers. Again, BB does not understand how to handle a puppy. So we don't let him just go in there and pick them up. But in the past two days he keeps sneaking into the puppy box and picking them up. But whenever their little puppy claws scratch him he throws the pup down or shakes it. To my horror! So he has spent way too much time in time out begging to be let back out.

3. Puppies are too cute but I sure wish they would all get sold!

4. Buying a 5lb bag of pistachios at Costco is a great deal unless your children decided to help themselves to several servings and leave the shells lying everywhere. One year olds love to choke on anything and I do mean anything that they can put in their mouths! So pistachio shells are a huge problem!

5. I have learned that if it is rainy and overcast outside...give it up...no house work will get done. No one will get along for more than 5 minutes at a time. And kids need to play outside everyday to burn off enough energy to sleep well.

6. A good bedtime routine does wonders for children! Every night we sing a song together. I stole it from one of my favorite books. It goes like this " I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I am living, my baby you'll be" My kids have taken to singing it back to me. They change the words to say "as long as I am living my mommy you'll be" It makes me teary eyed every time.

So that is a brief glimpse into our world...

Till next time...

Birthday Party

I am the first to admit that I am severly lacking when it comes to giving my children birthday parties. I personally wish we did not have to indulge in this tradition. Not because I am a scrooge. But because I am a procrastinator by nature and it seems like birthdays just sneak up on me and before you know it they are a year older and a party short. So this year I sent out invitations via text message or phone call and one email. Yes I am definately part of the information generation because it never even occurred to me to buy invitations and send them out. Not only that but I called people on Wednesday to come to a party on Sunday. Yeah giving notice is not my strong suit either. So...with that said I pulled off a decent party. All the kids had fun! I got to hang out with people I love and care about and my daughter got to have a 1st Birthday party (which she will not remember). Unlike her big brother who has yet to have a party for his birthday and he is two and a half! I know I am a bad mother!!! Oh well, I think I am going to give him a big "UNBirthday" Party this summer. Wish me luck with that one!

Check out my new post here it's been awhile!

Princess Fairheart turns 1 year old today!

I can not believe that one year ago today I checked into Brandywine Hospital and became a Mommy for the fourth time! Looking back I was so nervous that they would not induce my labor, because I had had the flu and was still feeling quite puny. But I checked in at 6:30 am and by 9:30 am my beautiful daughter had entered the world and changed our lives forever. This daughter of mine is the sunshine that wakes me in the morning! She is an utter joy to all. She is so smart and funny and individual. She is the baby and she knows it. I am glad she is a snuggly person. She loves to rock and sing and spend time being loved. She is not in a hurry to get anything done. She does everything at her own pace. And that is ok because she is so pleasant.
One year ago today I met this wonderful girl for the first time face to face. I knew then that she was amazing! She has taught me that even when life is stacked against you, it is all about the way you approach things. She has not complained once about having to sleep with bars on her shoes. She has never even acted like it bothers her...maybe because she doesn't know any better. But some Mom's with children who have clubbed feet say that their children hate the shoes. My baby never seems to notice.
She is fearless! Just look at this pic to see that. She is the first one of my children to climb out of a high chair. She is always climbing on something, beds, couches, chairs, toy boxes etc... She thinks she is big enough to play with the older children already and she gets mad when they don't include her. How dare them! She only has two teeth so far and she HATES baby food....won't eat it...acts like you are trying to kill her if you try to feed it to her...will only eat food from the table that looks like what everyone else is eating! She is definitely her own person.

It is kind of sad for me. Because I know she is my last baby. So that means I will never nurse another, never feel another kick me from inside, never get to live through the first year and all the amazing firsts of my own baby again. I have tried to cherish every moment, knowing they are all fleeting and I can never get them back. I already miss that new baby smell, the softness of their skin, the quietness of their days, the enjoyment of just watching them sleep. The closeness only a mom can feel when the baby is at your breast and your life is flowing into them and sustaining their needs.

I will miss babyhood! But I know we are on to more exciting things! Next up is taking those first steps and tomorrow she will be walking down the aisle and pledging her life to some one else. It happens just that fast!

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY Princess Fairheart! You are dearly loved and truly cherished! Try to stay my baby for a little longer, please!

Mother's Day was so blessed! Well, I had a second thought before emerging from the bed. I could hear Weewee and BB arguing as soon as I woke up. But DH jumped out of bed and took over. I could hear him letting them have it for waking Mommy up on MOTHER'S DAY by fighting. Immediately they both came into my room, climbed up on my bed, and hugged me (repeatedly) and wished me a Happy Mothers day. Weewee brought me a stick from the yard that she and her friend had painted with nail polish and whiteout. I am still trying figure out when they did it? What the stick is for? And whether or not I was enthusiastic enough about it or not?!?! My kids were so sweet! My husband extra loving and I was reminded how much they really do love me. We spent the day with Auntie S, Unkie D, Her Mom (my kids call her Mom Mom) and their daughter (who is not yet a mommy herself). We had great food, good times and the best part was I did not have to cook all day long!!!! YAY!!!!

I am blessed woman an no matter what is wrong with my body I am loved! What a nice thing to know! I am thankful now more than ever for every minute (Yes, even when it snows Fruity Pebbles in the diningroom) fo my wonderful life!

I may need to be reminded now and again but I am a happy mom.

So today I have spent WAY too much time playing in cyberspace! I am not one to just sit here in front of the computer all day long. BUT my feet hurt, my joints ache, it's overcast today (again), and I just feel lazy! It's my day off. Finally, I have only my own children at home. It is relatively quiet (BB is napping), #1son outside finding things to interest his mind, Weewee is going back and forth between outside and watching TV, and Princess FH is singing a little song to herself while picking up a variety of toys to play with for 30 seconds at a time. DH slept in and is in a great mood. How blissful to just spend a Saturday at home with no expectations.

Is two cups of coffee, a slice of cheese and a nibble of taco good nutrition? Probably not. I have been doing weight watchers for three weeks now (well almost three weeks). I have lost 4.8 lbs. Not as much as I thought I would lose but still something. I have been doing really well on it. Until 2 days ago, when my dinner was probably enough points to equal a whole day!! Then I snacked too much yesterday! So, I better get my butt in gear over the weekend or I will have gained my 4.8 back! UGH!!!

I wish I had a magic wand. I would do great things with it! I promise ;) First I would wave it over myself and give myself back my 17 year old body! Then I would use it to clean my house and declutter everything. Next I would wave it over my 2001 Dodge Caravan and magically it would update to the most recent version of the Caravan with all the bells and whistles! After that I would wave it over my children so that they would become the most well mannered, clean, respectful and kind people. DH would get a wave to. He would lose his ADHD and become a most productive person who can concentrate. If I am not too tired after all that work I would start "fixing" the world!

It's a nice dream, huh? Oh well, guess I will just have to be content with what I have!

Little lessons:

All owies (booboos, ouchies) must have a bandaid! No matter that there is no blood, no broken skin, no visible sign of injury! A bandaid has magical powers to stop the crying and fix the owie. We went through 3 boxes of bandaids this week!

$20 dollars in gas will no longer give me more than an quarter of a tank of gas. An quarter of a tank of gas will get me to Grammy's house and half way back! Better find things to do at home or with in walking distance.


Going for a kindergarten physical with a 5 (and a half) year old boy is a grand adventure! #1son and I had a great time just spending time together yesterday.

If you really listen to the imaginative play of above mentioned 5 year old, you will be amazed at the hysterical things he thinks of. Like his pediatrician's name is Dr. Kuhn (koon) but #1son could only figure out how to call him Dr. Cocoon! And he sat in the exam room waiting and waiting and waiting some more for the doc to come in. So finally after about 20 minutes #1son started loudly calling out "Dr Cocoon! Dr Cocoon! We are in here! In case you forgot! Are you coming Dr Cocoon?" I quietly told him (several times) that the Doc's name is Kuhn! And to please stop calling for him he will be in as soon as possible. That did not deter my son from his antics. So for more than 30 minutes we waited and he had a loud conversation (intending to bring the doc in sooner) with the four walls of that exam room.

#1son is apparently healthy, developmentally sound and ready for kindergarten. Now to just get him to understand that he can not start classes until the fall.


Until next time...

So I went to the doctor yesterday. It went well. I have to say that it took me at least four hours after I got home to actually process what the doc had told me. I was so excstatic to hear that he does not think I have breast cancer, that I did not realize that he is concerned about skin cancer! And Rheumatoid arthritis or possibly Lyme's disease! I have to go for blood work and to a dermatologist. So now begins (what I am sure will be a drawn out process) of determining what if anything is wrong with me. I also have a severe flair up of tendinitis in my wrist and hand. So I need to ice it down for 60 minutes at a time several times a day and wear a splint! I am wondering did the doc even register the knowledge that I have four kids!?!? When am I supposed to sit still and ice down my wrist? Well, I guess I will try to fit that in too.

I am not nearly as frustrated with life as I was the other day. Which is a good thing! I have decided to give up my home based business. Much to the disappointment of my up line. I spent most of yesterday being lectured and coerced into making a different decision. I really don't understand some people. They call you friend as long as you are doing what they think you should but as soon as you make a decision to do what is right for you and your family you are not who they thought you were?!?!? OH WELL!! I have to spend this time taking care of my real and tangible responsibilities. I think this is just not the right time in my life to pursue a home based business. Yes, I would love to make the kind of money that they promised I would. But the time you have to put into something like this is WAY more than I can handle right now. I personally feel so much less stress now than I did two days ago. Mostly because I am not putting pressure on myself to meet goals for my business.

On the home front. I am so glad I decided not to give up on watching the two girls that I keep. I really weighed out the decision pros/cons the whole nine yards. And yes there are a lot of pros and cons but in the end it came down to my "why" was huge. I love these two little girls and it gives my kids some one else to play with. Is it more work? Yes of course it is. Do I feel overwhelmed daily? Yes I do! But at the end of the day I can tell myself that I have done something worth while. Something that will last a lifetime. I have invested in the 6 greatest kids on earth! (yep I am a little biased on that opinion)

So, now I have to learn to pick myself up by the boot straps and move forward. I can not let myself wallow in self pity. I am sure there will be days that are hard. But I also know that in order to live a happy and full life I have to tell myself I have a happy and full life. I really really do not want to miss out on my kids because I am too busy feeling sorry for myself to notice them. So from here on out (it might take me a while to build the habit) I am going to focus on the little lesson we learn everyday and the positive things our family is doing.

So our little lessons today (so far):

1. Leaving a 2 year old, one years old, and two 4 year olds alone in a playroom with a box of two week old puppies is a sure recipe for disaster! Inevitably someone will not be able to resist the charms of cute little puppies (who just opened their eyes yesterday)! In the span of 4 minutes a 2 year old squeezed a puppy, a four year old hit a puppy, and the one year old got in the box with the puppies! When asked the four year old said she hit the puppy because she was pretending to be a baby! OY VEY!

2. Leaving a "big girl" cup on the edge of the table is way to tempting to a one year old. Who took a shower in juice when she tried to pull it off the table.

3. This one was yesterday but worth mentioning. Daddys should never ever let little ones help trim trees. And then leave for work with out putting away all the tree trimming clippers! Yes, that's right my DH smart man that he is. Let #1son and Weewee "help" him trim some trees and bushes in our yard. When he left for work they decided (despite the very clear instructions he left with them to NOT touch any clippers or shears) to help him cut down trees. Thank God for little tattletale cousins who told on them. Or I would have never known until we were visiting our local children's hospital ER (yet again).

Happy milestones:

We are currently bribing BB with anything we think will work to get him potty trained. Currently the bribe is not only will he get stickers but he will get to go for a walk with his beloved Auntie S (that stands for SAINT). Although night before last he told Auntie S that if she peepeed and poopied on the potty all day he would take her for a walk. She informed him that she ALWAYS uses the potty. BB thought for a moment and he said then Unkie D has to use the potty. She laughed and told him that Unkie D always uses the potty. BB says no he doesn't and he can't go for a walk till he does. It was hysterical. BB is stuck between really wanting to be a big boy and really wanting to stay my baby.

#1son goes for his Kindergarten physical tomorrow! Hooray!! He is so so excited about it! He wants to go to school so badly. Unfortunately he doesn't quite get it that school will not start until after the summer. :)

Until next time...

***** warning totally venting and feeling sorry for myself*******

Slowly but surely I am trying to get back into blogging. Wish I was a happier camper these days. Maybe I should write what is on my heart and mind and then go visit every one's blog...since I feel even sadder now. Which is weird because no one had any sad posts. I am beginning to wonder how long a postpartum depression can last? I have good days. Actually I even have REALLY good days. But for the past four days I have found very little to smile about. I try to tell myself that it is just a stage but it seems to be lasting a long time. Do you ever wonder if your whole life is just a big joke? I am wondering about lots of things lately. Is this a mid life crisis or maybe the beginning of one? I look at the lives of the people all around me and I think to myself; "My what fun they seem to be having" and the giant green monster starts to grow. I even asked DH the other day if he thought maybe his cousin could be right, that in a past life (which I do not even believe in) I must have been a really rotten person and this is my chance to get it right. I think about the theory of karma and wonder how mine could be so awful. Seriously! How did I find myself as the mother of 4? Wife to a crazy man? Daughter to a crazy lady? An extended family FULL of dysfunction? I was always the good girl. Always the one who did what was expected of me. Followed the rules. You know the stereotypical good girl! So what went wrong? What am I missing? I am so very overwhelmed in my life. I am so tired of trying to get it right and never making any progress. I know I must be getting somethings right since my kids have pretty good manners (I guess that is a rare thing in this part of the country). They behave decently in public. They all mostly sleep well. And they are all smart. Not sure I could really mess them up if I tried because they are so wonderful to begin with! But even though I know that, I am completely overwhelmed with fear and worry. I spend so much time wondering if one day they will tell me how I have ruined their life. Or did not love them well enough. I know all parents worry about how their kids will turn out. But to me I feel like this is kind of an extreme fear that I have. I have so many fears. Daily they seem to be affirmed lately.
I think one thing that has me down the most is that DH and I took these stupid personality tests online, over the weekend. I say they are stupid because even though the descriptions fit us to a tee! It showed that (from my perspective) there is no hope for us! We are listed as each others "enigma" a complete mystery to each other. While DH thinks this is great because he will always try to figure me out and there will always be mystery. I see it as a death sentence! Like someone has written it down that NOTHING will ever change and I am wasting my time. How can two people have such very very different views of the same thing? What is wrong with me that I am becoming such a negative person? I feel like my faith has diminished. My positivity is gone. My sadness is ruling everything. How did this happen? When does the fear go away? Who will I become after these trials and how hard will it get before it is over. I have never felt more out of control. I have never had more random things to worry about. And I have never been in a situation where I just don't have anyone to talk to. DH can not understand emotions. What is with men? Why can they not understand that women have emotions? Or is it that mine are just to raw these days. It seems like all of my friends have gotten too busy to be there for me. How is it that I can drop EVERYTHING at a moments notice if someone I love is in need. Yet when I stand here and scream for help no one comes to my aid? I think maybe I should give up the babysitting. DH thinks I have gotten myself in too deep. Secretly the rest of the family thinks so too. I really want to give up my business. Not because it is not working but because I can not give it my best.
I am so disappointed in my life. I am so sad that things are going this way. I feel like I am on a ride at the fair and it has run out of control. And everyone else is forced to sit on the sidelines and just watch the destruction.
I wish I did not care so deeply. I wish...
Well I just wish for peace in my whole being! When does the peace come. I am almost afraid to have that peace because I wonder what the price I will be required to pay will be.

OK, now I KNOW I am losing it! I am blogging all my deepest fears and thoughts for the whole world to read! I expect the men with the little white jackets to show up at any moment now.

I apologize for...well you know...I just don't what else to write...

SO until next time....