A letter to a dear friend after years of being estranged

I worte this letter today to a dear old friend. Yet it seems so wonderful topost here. This is what I feel about divorce. It changes you. You can not help it. The scar is deep and wide. No matter who comes in to fill a hole in your heart there will always be something missing.

Things have gone so differently for me than I would have ever expected. I have been think about all of that alot lately. I was in the hospital about a month ago. The doctors don't really know what is/was wrong with me. I found out friday that I have mono and that might explain some of what is going on with me. But I have been sick for a while now. Mono does not explain the sudden onset of a dibilitating stutter and severe pain through out my body. The doctor says that was an acute reaction to stress. Although I am not under any real stress. Or maybe I should say under any new stress. But maybe I just don't remember what stress free feels like. LOL Yep, I have four kids. Crazy huh? Me???? I am still trying to figure out what happened. :) We had Z**** and E****. C**** wanted one more. So when E**** was two along came M*****. He was going to be our last. Jokes on me! C**** changed jobs and since his doc would not give him a vasectomy while I was pregnant we had to wait a few months. We were REALLY careful! But some how the same month we moved to Delaware I got pregnant again. He got fixed while I was pregnant. I made him lie to his doc. So we are definately done. It makes my head spin to think of it. Me, you know, the girl who had a great career, a life in the ministry, a set path that included 2.5 kids a house with a fence and a dog. Well instead I opted for stay at home mom to 4 kids (all with in 5 years of each other), wife to a traveling gypsie, no career (no time for that let alone daycare money), no ministry and a failing Faith. What happened there? I am not sure. I have thought alot about it in the past few months. I wonder so often if this is my punishment for my divorce from C***. I am estranged from myself. Sounds strange huh? I know this is way more than you thought a catching up letter would be. Me too. I don't know why I feel like I should pour my heart out to you. After all it has been so long since we have been in touch. Well, I guess I do know that I have always felt a kindred spirit with you. And I remember being able to share my real self within our friendship. That is a rare thing in this life. I think also it must be that you have known me for long enough to know me before. Not many people knew me before my divorce. How can one event change a persons life so much. I am not saying that I wish I was married to C***. Not at all. I love my husband and children more than anything else in the world. Its just that I am not the same person I used to be. I have gotten back in touch with so many friends from my past in the last year or two. And whenever I talkto them it seems as if life has taken them exactly where they thought it would. How come that happens for some people and not for others? I have faced every trial with determination and grit. Always keeping a positive outlook. And yet I am so scared that I do not know how to trust anyone including myself. Do you think it is the same for everyone who gets divorced? Do you think that C*** has problems too? Do you know I have not even spoken to him once since before our divorce was final. Yet I have wondered about him everyday since he left. Not as acutely now as I did in the past. But I think of him all the time. Sometimes I am angry with him. Anger is an aweful thing. Having no closure, no choice in how things ended. Yet knowing how much he truly hurt me. Missing his family. Oh how I miss them. His mom called me about three years ago. She called me to appologize for the way she had treated me through our divorce. She told me that she and his Dad had gotten divorced. She told me about C***'s brother J*** being in the Military over seas and planning to get married. But not even one word was mentioned about C***. She did not offer and I did not ask. It killed me to not ask. I want to know did everything work out for him? Is he happy? Does it seem weird to him to have had a life together and no longer know each other? Of course I can't tell my husband all of this he would not understand. It would hurt him so deeply. I do not want C*** back. I just want to know who he is now. Did it all change for him too? After our seperation I was not allowed to work in our church anymore. They did not want me working with the children because I might lead them astray. That was the single most hurtful thing I have ever experienced in a church. After that it has been really hard to go to church. WE have tried for a long time. But I always feel so uncomfortable. I have not had a church home since Riverside. I wonder what would have happened if we had just stayed. We certainly would have had a different life. I am so sorry to pour this all out to you. I guess maybe I feel like telling you so you maybe could share it with T***** and M*******. I am so heart broken for them. I know God can heal a marriage. Even when someone has been unfaithful. Divorce scars you for life. The blessing in my life is that I have a great husband who loves me more than I may even know. He is patient and understands how insecure I can be. He is always gentle with me. I know he is the one. I just mourn my other life daily.
*edit for personal content*
So that is my weird and probably too much information update.I hope I did not freak you out by pouring my heart out like that.
I truly miss you and am so glad I found you.
Till next time...
~J