Struggles and joys

This week went so well until last night. I have been getting my energy back, feeling more like me. A bad case of mono knocked me down for the count for way too long. It would have been nice to know I had mono before the last week or so of feeling bad. LOL But the point is I have been feeling better. Then all of a sudden I woke up this morning and it was all too much to deal with. I did not sleep well last night. Could have been because I drank two sodas (with caffeine) way too late last night. I could not sleep well at all. About the time I tried to go to bed my youngest son (not quite 3 years old) woke up. He needed to be changed. This is the third night in a row that he has woke up and needed to be changed and then gotten into my bed with me. I don't mind so much (most of the time). Having him sleep in my bed makes my bed feel a little less empty. So, last night after I changed him and put him into bed with me, he decided he was not at all sleepy!! UGH!! At 3:30am I was getting a little fed up with the constant chatter. He finally fell back asleep. And so did I. Then the bad dreams started. I can not really remember exactly what I was dreaming. I get so frustrated when I forget a dream just as I am getting ready to talk about it. I know whatever the dream was I was scared and sad and lost and alone. I cried in my sleep. Normally when that happens to me my Chuck is there to wake me and hold me and tell me it was just a dream. But he can't do that when he is across the world in Germany. So, I woke up this morning to my 17 month old daughter screaming (as usual) to get out of bed. My 4 year old and her best friend ready to play after a successful sleep over and my almost 3 year old still sleeping in my bed. My first thought was I wish Chuck were here so I could sleep in. He must have sensed that I was in need. Because within minutes of waking up he called. It is always good to hear his voice. Today however, our conversation just made me feel all the more helpless without him. Why does everything have to be so hard? We made a decision a couple of weeks ago. I want to put my kids in daycare and get a part time job. I think maybe that is why this week seemed so blissful. I had a break to look forward to. Until yesterday. I called 12 daycares! Yes, I said 12! Nine did not even answer the phone. One had no openings. One would not quote me a price until after I toured the facility (I have an appt Wednesday evening). The one and only daycare I got to quote me a price was outrageous!!! They wanted me to pay: $160 a week for my 17 month old, $150 a week for my 2 year old, and $140 a week for my 4 year old! So, for those of you who (like me) are not quick with math that is a grand total of $450 a week or $1800 a month! When I asked about a multi-child discount they all but laughed at me. I was assured that they had the "lowest" rates in the area and that I would not find a better deal. OK well let me just slam my head against the wall and see what kind of results that gets me. UGH!! How am I ever going to get a break? I just need a little time away from the demands of 4 small children. It was not this hard when Chuck was here. I complained a lot about how much he did not do. But now that he is gone I know how precious the little breaks were. Now I can not do anything with out little ones following me, needing me, crying to me, tattling on each other, fighting with each other, painting on my walls, making messes that requires a bio hazard team to clean up, etc... If you are a mom you know the drill. They never stop amazing me with the things they can come up with. The other day Matty (who no longer wants to be called Matty- he shall now and forever be known as Matthew or Buzz Lightyear) was supposed to be laying down on my bed for his afternoon nap. I foolishly thought that he had fallen asleep (since there was no noises coming from my room). Instead, about 30 minutes after I had laid him down, he came sneaking out of my room. He announced that "I had a good nap Mommy!" When I looked up what did I see? My 2 year old was covered in craft paint! Head to toe! We are talking face, arms, legs, hair, clothes EVERYTHING! So I put him in the tub and went to find out where he painted and how he got the paints. I keep all of the children's art supplies, videos, books, crayons, markers, glue, etc... in my closet. I thought this would be the most controlled place to keep the most messy stuff. Logical or so I thought. While Matt was supposed to be napping he got into the closet (very quietly) and pulled out craft paints. He proceeded to paint my walls, dresser, comforter and himself! I gave him a bath and then made him take a nap in his own bed! What is a mom to do?
I am losing the fight. It is four against one and I am just too overwhelmed to be the Mom that I want to be. I try darn it all. But it is all too much for me right now. People ask me all the time: "How do you do it with four kids?" I always think it is such a dumb question. Mostly because I can not think of a way to tell them what it is like. Just like you can not tell someone what it is like to be a parent, because it is just something you have to experience to understand. The same is true with four kids. I have friends who have four (or even more) and they do not seem to struggle the way I do. They do not seem to be falling apart. I wish I could say to folks "How do you think I do it? One moment at a time. Just like everybody else."
Right now it is gloomy. My happiness meter is low. I am lonely for my husband. My kids are challenging me in ways I never thought possible. And yet, I can not give up this fight. I will make it through this. Because the one thing I know about life is that this too shall pass. If a can hang on long enough I will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So, this is me hanging on. It is not pretty. It is not fun. It is just life.