Never meant to hurt anyone...

Ah...I have had this blog for a couple of years now. It has served as MY place to say whatever I need to in order to sort my thoughts, share my world and just vent. I never imagined that it would hurt anyone. I never intended to offend. I have simply needed an outlet. I have felt that I could write the things that I can not say out loud. Is this wrong? Is it too much personal information to share with the world at large? I have no true idea who might come across these pages and read them. I have thought to myself that if some unknown person stumbled across this blog and they found a kindred spirit or encouragement during their own times of need, then maybe it is a good thing. I have always been a what you see is what you get kind of person. I like being open and honest with my thoughts. I like having other people know me and sometimes encourage me to keep on keeping on.
So, those of you who read this may be wondering "what is she talking about now?" I made a post here the other night when I had insomnia and needed to get all my thoughts out of my head. I posted a link to my facebook account because I have many wonderful friends who have known me a long time and are very encouraging to me. I wanted people who care about me to know what I was truly going through right now. I never thought about the content hurting someone. I am not even sure why it would. But my blog was read by someone who was in turn hurt by the things I wrote. And now I feel really bad about that. I went back and reread the post and I still don't understand why it hurt. I don't understand how I could be accused of slamming my husband. I was simply venting my feelings in what I thought was a safe place.
So, I have decided to make this blog a little more private. The last thing I want to do is hurt the ones I love. I still, however, need this outlet. I still need a place to write things down and get other's opinions etc... so if you are a follower of my blog or if you want to be a follower of my blog and you know me, then please send me a message and I will include you in the list of people who will be able to continue to read. If not that is OK. I will still write. I will still vent. I will still remain true to my needs. I will however try not to be hurtful in my own healing process.
OK, now that that is out of the way, I do have a few thoughts today, beyond the above mentioned stuff.
I am not as sad today as I have been. That is a good thing. I am coming to the conclusion that all of this turmoil in my life might be for a good reason. What if this is all God's way of drawing me back into a truly closer walk with Him? To be honest it has been really hard to pray or even seek out God in any way, for a long time now. Maybe that is what I really need to do. Lord knows I have the time now. BUT (and this is a big but) I am afraid. I am afraid to seek out God because, by history, every time I seek a closer walk with God the enemy tries to destroy me. I know I am not alone in this. I know that I am not uniquely attacked. I know that the enemy wants to destroy faith in all of God's children. But I am worn down to the bone. I am tired of fighting those spiritual battles. I have said before that I identify the closest with David from the Bible. David was a sinner. David made huge mistakes in his lifetime. Yet, the Bible describes David as a man after God's own heart. I understand that. I can identify with that. I am starving to death (in a spiritual sense. I have not fellowship with folks who believe like me in 3 years. I feel like I am living in the dessert. Wandering like the Israelites. I hope I do not wander for 40 years. I pray that I can find that hidden path and walk boldly through these trials in my life, with a sound assurance that God has my back. Because at this point I think God could be the only one who has my back. I pray that God will heal my marriage. I pray that God will lead me to the road he wants me to travel. I pray that I will have a heart that recognizes the still small voice that will guide me. I am not worthy but I am truly willing to follow. I want to find peace again. I want to feel loved and if God is the only one who can give that to me, then I will not fight against that.
God give me the strength and wisdom to know where I need to go.

OK I have tried to post a mesage at least 3 times in the past two weeks! When did my life get too full?

We now have 9 puppies! One dog! 4 children that are biologically mine! One cousin that comes to my house everyday! One little girl who comes a few times a week! A home based business! A HUSBAND! Close friends (cousins) ging through a divorce. A cousin that just moved out this past week. That was seriously WAY more drama than I ever needed! And no extra minutes in the day!

I have so many things on my mind and perfetly good outlet to get them said...yet I never find the time...no wonder my "Calgon" moments are few and far between these days!

I miss my blogger friends! I miss the quiet! How do you find e time to get the quiet times?

OK so the things I am thinking about tonight are:

1. I have doctor appointment next week (May 7th) I am not one to ever go to the doctor (except when I was pregnant). I had to finaly break down and make an appointment though. Mostly because my husband's Aunt (a nurse) has told me to do it! I am extremely worried. I don't usually worry about my own health. Yet here I am. I have to go get checked for breast cancer. Yes, you read right! It is all because I got an email recently from a dear sweet friend who passed along information about a newer for of breat cancer. It starts with a rash on your breast and typically goes undiagnosed until it is too late. I have had a strange rash on my breast for over a year now. I know I know why did I wait???? Well see the list of things above and mayb it will seem (like it has too me) that I have just been too busy! I guess it is really not a good excuse but I really have thought that the rash would just go away. The concerning thing is that the same breast has grown (sinificantly) larger than the other breaast this year. I kept telling myself that it was because I had a baby last year and nursed her. But things have gone on for too long now. I admit I am SCARED! I am 32 years old. I don't have time to be sick! I don't want to even think about what this will mean for my family. I thought I would have my husband's Aunt look at it last week and she would tell me that I had nothing to worry about. Not so! She took one look and said I needed to see the doctor ASAP! UGH!!! So here I am waiting and waiting to see the doc. Since I never go to the doc and I only chose a doc because our insurance required it I am considered a new patient so could not get an appt. ASAP. I have not told my extended family yet...including my mom. Kind of weird that I am posting this but I just don't want my parents to be worried and I also know my Mom would try to come up here and see me and I am not ready for that yet. I think it would be better to just wait and see what comes of this. I know already that I won't get any answers at this first visit. This could drag on for awhile. I think I will have to see a specialist before I actually know anything at all. This is probably one reason I do not want to go to the doctor at all. I hate waiting. I would rather pretend everything is OK and go on with my daily life.

2. I am also wondering what we were thinking breeding our dog. SHe is a great mommy dog and had a great litter of puppies. Now I have to figure out how to sell them, feed them, take them to the vet for shots, not to mention the fact that there are 9 puppies running (well soon to running) around my house with all the 5-6 kids that are here everyday! UGH!!! (again)

3. My DH wants to change careers! AGAIN!!! He wants to go to school. And while in theory I am all for it. I also know that he HAS to stay at this job.

I am remembering a Psychology class I took in college. One lecture in particular that I will NEVER forget was about stress. The prof made us all fill out a questionaire. It was filled with all these questions about major and minor life events. We were asked to answer the questions as honestly as possible. When we had all completed the questionaire, he assinged a points value to each event. We were instructed to tally our points and share the total with the class. I remember I had a score of around 500 points. It was funny because we (as a class) had no idea what the points meant. The points were to gage the level of stress that a person was under. THe prof was completely shocked that my score was around 500 points. I remember he said to me that I should be dead with that level of stress in one year! I laughed because I thought my results must have been quite typical of a college student. Not so! I look back t that time in my life an I am often relieved that I have not had to take that questionaire again. Because now I have REAL stress. Not just 19 year old in college and life is hard kind of stress.

Thinking also about the title of this blog. Sometimes I wonder what the deal is. No one should have to be under the stress I have found in my life. I believe in God! I have always been a good girl. I have always done the things I am asked to do as well as the things that are expected of me. So, then why? Why is the road so long and hard? I am not trying to complain really I am not. I am just curious as to why, that's all. I mean when does enough become enough.

At the same time I am wondering all these things and reflecting on how things are going. I know that everything happens for reason. I really really know that.

So I will keep on going and keep on being responsible and keep on trying to get through each day the best way that I can...


Until next time...

Lost at sea

Tonight I am sitting here wondering about so many things.

It is so hard to not get overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like I am caught in a rip tide. My feet come rushing out from under me and all of a sudden I am drowning. At least this is what I think a rip tide would be like.

One moment I can feel happy and like things are going just as I think they should and then something happens and nothing seems OK. What is this? Is it because I have been struggling with my faith? Is it because I have four children and never saw that as what my life would be? Is it because I seem to be the ONLY person in this world who can see the goodness in the man I am married to? What is this thing that is trapping me down below the surface of my desires to be happy.

Some might think it is postpartum depression. I would argue that I have felt this way since long before the baby came. Some would say I have been pregnant back to back for 5 years and so that is contributing to these feelings. To this I would say YES that could be it. But I see these other Mom's who seem so in love with being a Mom. Why can't I have that? Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids. I just don't feel the same about the exhausting, draining, hard work that it takes to do this job.

I feel like I am going to ruin my children's lives. I yell too much. Twice in a month two of my children have told someone else that "Mommy doesn't like me" What is that?!?!? I have never told any of the kids that I don't like them. Are they trying to elicit sympathy from their listener? Or do they really feel this way? Is this normal for young children to feel rejected when a new baby (or 3) comes along?

I try everyday to make each child feel like they are the MOST special person in my life. Yet they still fight constantly with each other. Lately I find myself either completely ignoring their fights or snapping at them for each little inference. How can I call myself a loving mother if I yell at them, send them to their rooms, spank etc... ?? But what am I supposed to do? My patients are so worn out. Even if I ever do get to sleep through the night again (which I am seriously doubt will ever happen in my life) I don't think it will change who I really am at the core.

I have spent my life trying to be a good christian, a good daughter, a good friend, a good wife, a good mother etc... Where is it getting me? I am not sure who I am any more. Beyond the basic titles of wife and mommy, who am I? I am surely not the girl I was in High School. That girl deserved a big kick in the pants. I am not the young lady I was in my 20's. She was a know-it-all who had an opinion about everything and judgements to dole out to anyone who did not meet her standard. Now I am a woman in my 30's and I am lost!

I question everything I have ever thought to be true. Where did my sense of self go? I thought getting older would help me to be wiser. I thought I would feel like a grown up eventually. I am lost in a sea of diapers, spit up, stomach viruses, and left overs. The list could go on and on.

When does the peace come? Maybe I am hitting the rebellion stage that I never got to enjoy when I was a teenager. Probably not but I do have this overwhelming urge to just runaway (for at least a few hours anyway). Where would I run to? Well, I have no earthly idea! That is the problem. Everyone tells me to find time for myself! Yeah right! I don't even get to go to the potty by myself anymore. If am cruel enough to close the door, I get to listen to a small person on the other side scream "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY....!!!!!"


Does it get better than this? I don't mean theoretically I mean does it actually get better? These are all questions I do not have the answers to. I am not even sure I want the answers (too afraid it will scare the *bleep* out of me).

So, that leaves me to wonder these things to myself. I would not dare voice them for fear that someone might think I don't have it as together as they think I do.

Failure is not an option...right? So I guess I need to pull up my big girl pants and put on a happy face and keep on keeping on.