OK I have tried to post a mesage at least 3 times in the past two weeks! When did my life get too full?

We now have 9 puppies! One dog! 4 children that are biologically mine! One cousin that comes to my house everyday! One little girl who comes a few times a week! A home based business! A HUSBAND! Close friends (cousins) ging through a divorce. A cousin that just moved out this past week. That was seriously WAY more drama than I ever needed! And no extra minutes in the day!

I have so many things on my mind and perfetly good outlet to get them said...yet I never find the time...no wonder my "Calgon" moments are few and far between these days!

I miss my blogger friends! I miss the quiet! How do you find e time to get the quiet times?

OK so the things I am thinking about tonight are:

1. I have doctor appointment next week (May 7th) I am not one to ever go to the doctor (except when I was pregnant). I had to finaly break down and make an appointment though. Mostly because my husband's Aunt (a nurse) has told me to do it! I am extremely worried. I don't usually worry about my own health. Yet here I am. I have to go get checked for breast cancer. Yes, you read right! It is all because I got an email recently from a dear sweet friend who passed along information about a newer for of breat cancer. It starts with a rash on your breast and typically goes undiagnosed until it is too late. I have had a strange rash on my breast for over a year now. I know I know why did I wait???? Well see the list of things above and mayb it will seem (like it has too me) that I have just been too busy! I guess it is really not a good excuse but I really have thought that the rash would just go away. The concerning thing is that the same breast has grown (sinificantly) larger than the other breaast this year. I kept telling myself that it was because I had a baby last year and nursed her. But things have gone on for too long now. I admit I am SCARED! I am 32 years old. I don't have time to be sick! I don't want to even think about what this will mean for my family. I thought I would have my husband's Aunt look at it last week and she would tell me that I had nothing to worry about. Not so! She took one look and said I needed to see the doctor ASAP! UGH!!! So here I am waiting and waiting to see the doc. Since I never go to the doc and I only chose a doc because our insurance required it I am considered a new patient so could not get an appt. ASAP. I have not told my extended family yet...including my mom. Kind of weird that I am posting this but I just don't want my parents to be worried and I also know my Mom would try to come up here and see me and I am not ready for that yet. I think it would be better to just wait and see what comes of this. I know already that I won't get any answers at this first visit. This could drag on for awhile. I think I will have to see a specialist before I actually know anything at all. This is probably one reason I do not want to go to the doctor at all. I hate waiting. I would rather pretend everything is OK and go on with my daily life.

2. I am also wondering what we were thinking breeding our dog. SHe is a great mommy dog and had a great litter of puppies. Now I have to figure out how to sell them, feed them, take them to the vet for shots, not to mention the fact that there are 9 puppies running (well soon to running) around my house with all the 5-6 kids that are here everyday! UGH!!! (again)

3. My DH wants to change careers! AGAIN!!! He wants to go to school. And while in theory I am all for it. I also know that he HAS to stay at this job.

I am remembering a Psychology class I took in college. One lecture in particular that I will NEVER forget was about stress. The prof made us all fill out a questionaire. It was filled with all these questions about major and minor life events. We were asked to answer the questions as honestly as possible. When we had all completed the questionaire, he assinged a points value to each event. We were instructed to tally our points and share the total with the class. I remember I had a score of around 500 points. It was funny because we (as a class) had no idea what the points meant. The points were to gage the level of stress that a person was under. THe prof was completely shocked that my score was around 500 points. I remember he said to me that I should be dead with that level of stress in one year! I laughed because I thought my results must have been quite typical of a college student. Not so! I look back t that time in my life an I am often relieved that I have not had to take that questionaire again. Because now I have REAL stress. Not just 19 year old in college and life is hard kind of stress.

Thinking also about the title of this blog. Sometimes I wonder what the deal is. No one should have to be under the stress I have found in my life. I believe in God! I have always been a good girl. I have always done the things I am asked to do as well as the things that are expected of me. So, then why? Why is the road so long and hard? I am not trying to complain really I am not. I am just curious as to why, that's all. I mean when does enough become enough.

At the same time I am wondering all these things and reflecting on how things are going. I know that everything happens for reason. I really really know that.

So I will keep on going and keep on being responsible and keep on trying to get through each day the best way that I can...


Until next time...

Changes, changes and yet more changes!!!

Oh what a busy day. I should be packing my apartment. We are moving at the end of the week. Finally!!! We will be out of this tiny apartment and into a real house. I am so excited. But yet nevous to. Why feel nervous about something I really want? I guess it is the age old fear of change. I worry too much sometimes. I need a sense of stability and that will only come when we are settled somewhere. It seems most of our married life I am "getting ready to move". I hope this is the last time for a long time. I want things to work out with this house. I hope we can take the option to buy it. Right now that is so far off in the distance I find it hard to latch on to that dream.
My stress level has been so high lately. Maybe it is the impending move or the four small children or the husband who changes plans too often. All of the above sounds good to me. I wish I had taken some kind of life skills class that would have prepaired me for all these unknowns. The only way I seem to learn things is by "The school of hard knocks". I know exactly where my daughter gets her stubborness from.
So I guess you can tell my mood is not a peppy as usual. That's the truth of it. I have ups and downs. Tonight I am kind of down. Wishing I had the answers to lifes hard questions...heck I'd even like to have the answers to the easy ones...lol.
Seems like there is so much to do and not enough of me to get it all done. If I could clone myself maybe that would work. A "Me" to play with the kids. A "Me" to take care of the house. A "Me" to grow my business. And a fun "Me" would be great as well. But since cloning has not reached reality yet, I guess I will just have to find a way to work it all out.
I keep thinking that a vacation would be great. But then I know a vacation would just make it that much harder to come back to my real life.
OK OK I will stop complaining now. Maybe I should think about the things I am thankful for. That usually perks me up a little.
I am thankful for:
My kids. Each one is so wonderful and different.
My Husband who is a rock...sometimes a tumbling rock but my rock anyway.
My health.
The fact that no matter how grim it seems we always do make it.
No one evers goes hungry in my house.
The lights are on.
My new computer and internet access.
Friends that love me.
Family that is family and that never changes.
My new business and the opportunity it is giving me.
Our new house.
A playroom for the kids.
My paid for vehicle.
My hair that is growing back (like everyone said it would).
A comfortable place to lay my head at night.
My needs actually being met...that is a God thing! Big time!

Ok now I do feel better :)

Maybe I should think about the things I am thankful for earlier in my day. Maybe if I do that I will be a better Mother. I want my children to always know how much I love and adore them. Lately I am not as good at letting them know that. Since I spend 80% of my time everyday trying to stop them either bickering or tattling on each other.
My DH actually looked at me this morning and said (with a note of astonishment in his voice) You REALLY are a busy girl, aren't you? My reply was " Well, yeah! Are you just now noticing?"
I guess it just finally hit him that I get up and I don't really stop till well past midnight EVERY day. At least he noticed, right?

So potty training was a big fat flop today. BB got off to a good start this morning. He got up and peepeed on the potty. But about 15 minutes later I was cleaning stinky undies and a stinky baby. Then again at nap time it was nothing but the stinkies again...in undies of course. I promise that after Baby Girl is out of diapers I am not going to change another diaper for at least a good ten years...and then only if it is an emergency situation. By my calculations I have change aproximately 19,800 diapers in the past five and a half years. I still have at least one and a half years to go until I will see the light at the end of the tunel. Potty training is a big deal in our house.

Outside of the realm of pottys. #1 Son learned to tie his shoes this week. I mean really learned! I am so proud I think I was almost 7 years old before I could do that! Ok so, somethings were really hard for me. My left and right was not easy feat either (truthfully I still sometimes get confused now). So I am really really happy that #1 Son has picked it up so easy. He is proud that he can do "double knots" too. He recently discovered the joy of horseback riding. He now wants "cowboy" lessons in leiu of Karate or soccer.

Princess Grumpiness is giving her Daddy lessons in what it takes to make a very Grumpy little princess into a HAPPY little girl. They have been spending a lot of time together. Daddy tries to make sure she knows how special she really is. She has a touch of the middle child syndrome.

Baby Girl is growing and growing and growing. She hates food. Only likes to eat from a bottle. Weaned herself from the breast in a quick way and never looked back. She acts like you are trying to kill her if a spoon of baby food comes anywhere near her. She will however, gum down Melba toast, pretzels, toddler veggie soup. Go figure!?!? She has learned to crawl. Well, it is actually more like a scooting frog, but she gets where she is going. She still wears a Ponsetti brace on her feet for her clubbed foot. But that special little crooked foot is all straightened out now. The brace has in no way slowed her down.

BB (besides potty training) is a BIG talker. He loves to tell stories. If you don't listen to ALL the details he gets really mad. He loves to go bye bye and will try to go by himself several times a day. He still keeps me on my toes. He is the one who gets into EVERYTHING especially the things he should not.

DH is considering going back over seas again. I however (along with the children) will not go this time. Scicily is the possible destination. We won't know for a little while though. I am totally good with that as long as I can find a babysitter or a REALLY cheap (but over qualified) Nanny. :) I can dream, right?

On the run again

O I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything....it's just that life is way to chaotic for me these days. We are living at my husband's mother's house with 8 other people (not including our 4 children). My husband lost his job about 3 days after moving down here. He is currently (was before he lost his job) looking for a new job. The one job he thought was a "sure" thing has not panned out yet. Needless to say we are having a hard time right now. We are both edgy and irritable with each other. Not to mention the little ones who are in constant need of something. As I type I have a 3 year old standing next to me whining about why her Daddy won't take her bye bye with him. UGH!!!! No peace for me these days. This whole situation is doing nothing to help the feelings of depression I was facing before all these new events came upon us.
I am going to go home to Tennessee for a little while. I really only want it to be a for a visit. But I know if my Mom has it her way I will relocate there by myself (with the kids of course). She swears that she does not want to see my marriage end or that she will not encourage that at all. But I know for certain that once I go down there I will be pressured into staying and starting over with out him. I do not want to get divorced (not yet at least) I don't think it is right to break a promise just because things are getting hard. Why did I even call home to talk to my mom in the midst of my sorrow? One good thing about going down there is that I will get to pick up #1Son (who thinks he will be extending his vacation with Nana and Granddad indefinitely). I miss him so much. He has been down south since July 21st. It is time for me to get my son back.

I know this post must sound desperate. It is not. I really just wanted to update those who read my blog. Kind of an explanation of why I have not been posting. I just have not had enough emotional energy to post lately. Not to mention no private time to think. I thought long and hard about whether or not post this. It seems too public a setting to post such a private battle. But in the end I decided it was better to be honest than to not say anything at all.
So those of you who pray, please remember us.

Hope to be back to normal soon.

I am leaving for TN tomorrow and won't be back for a couple of weeks. I will be able to use a computer while there but I don't know how often.

Talk to you all soon.