So I went to the doctor yesterday. It went well. I have to say that it took me at least four hours after I got home to actually process what the doc had told me. I was so excstatic to hear that he does not think I have breast cancer, that I did not realize that he is concerned about skin cancer! And Rheumatoid arthritis or possibly Lyme's disease! I have to go for blood work and to a dermatologist. So now begins (what I am sure will be a drawn out process) of determining what if anything is wrong with me. I also have a severe flair up of tendinitis in my wrist and hand. So I need to ice it down for 60 minutes at a time several times a day and wear a splint! I am wondering did the doc even register the knowledge that I have four kids!?!? When am I supposed to sit still and ice down my wrist? Well, I guess I will try to fit that in too.

I am not nearly as frustrated with life as I was the other day. Which is a good thing! I have decided to give up my home based business. Much to the disappointment of my up line. I spent most of yesterday being lectured and coerced into making a different decision. I really don't understand some people. They call you friend as long as you are doing what they think you should but as soon as you make a decision to do what is right for you and your family you are not who they thought you were?!?!? OH WELL!! I have to spend this time taking care of my real and tangible responsibilities. I think this is just not the right time in my life to pursue a home based business. Yes, I would love to make the kind of money that they promised I would. But the time you have to put into something like this is WAY more than I can handle right now. I personally feel so much less stress now than I did two days ago. Mostly because I am not putting pressure on myself to meet goals for my business.

On the home front. I am so glad I decided not to give up on watching the two girls that I keep. I really weighed out the decision pros/cons the whole nine yards. And yes there are a lot of pros and cons but in the end it came down to my "why" was huge. I love these two little girls and it gives my kids some one else to play with. Is it more work? Yes of course it is. Do I feel overwhelmed daily? Yes I do! But at the end of the day I can tell myself that I have done something worth while. Something that will last a lifetime. I have invested in the 6 greatest kids on earth! (yep I am a little biased on that opinion)

So, now I have to learn to pick myself up by the boot straps and move forward. I can not let myself wallow in self pity. I am sure there will be days that are hard. But I also know that in order to live a happy and full life I have to tell myself I have a happy and full life. I really really do not want to miss out on my kids because I am too busy feeling sorry for myself to notice them. So from here on out (it might take me a while to build the habit) I am going to focus on the little lesson we learn everyday and the positive things our family is doing.

So our little lessons today (so far):

1. Leaving a 2 year old, one years old, and two 4 year olds alone in a playroom with a box of two week old puppies is a sure recipe for disaster! Inevitably someone will not be able to resist the charms of cute little puppies (who just opened their eyes yesterday)! In the span of 4 minutes a 2 year old squeezed a puppy, a four year old hit a puppy, and the one year old got in the box with the puppies! When asked the four year old said she hit the puppy because she was pretending to be a baby! OY VEY!

2. Leaving a "big girl" cup on the edge of the table is way to tempting to a one year old. Who took a shower in juice when she tried to pull it off the table.

3. This one was yesterday but worth mentioning. Daddys should never ever let little ones help trim trees. And then leave for work with out putting away all the tree trimming clippers! Yes, that's right my DH smart man that he is. Let #1son and Weewee "help" him trim some trees and bushes in our yard. When he left for work they decided (despite the very clear instructions he left with them to NOT touch any clippers or shears) to help him cut down trees. Thank God for little tattletale cousins who told on them. Or I would have never known until we were visiting our local children's hospital ER (yet again).

Happy milestones:

We are currently bribing BB with anything we think will work to get him potty trained. Currently the bribe is not only will he get stickers but he will get to go for a walk with his beloved Auntie S (that stands for SAINT). Although night before last he told Auntie S that if she peepeed and poopied on the potty all day he would take her for a walk. She informed him that she ALWAYS uses the potty. BB thought for a moment and he said then Unkie D has to use the potty. She laughed and told him that Unkie D always uses the potty. BB says no he doesn't and he can't go for a walk till he does. It was hysterical. BB is stuck between really wanting to be a big boy and really wanting to stay my baby.

#1son goes for his Kindergarten physical tomorrow! Hooray!! He is so so excited about it! He wants to go to school so badly. Unfortunately he doesn't quite get it that school will not start until after the summer. :)

Until next time...

OK I have tried to post a mesage at least 3 times in the past two weeks! When did my life get too full?

We now have 9 puppies! One dog! 4 children that are biologically mine! One cousin that comes to my house everyday! One little girl who comes a few times a week! A home based business! A HUSBAND! Close friends (cousins) ging through a divorce. A cousin that just moved out this past week. That was seriously WAY more drama than I ever needed! And no extra minutes in the day!

I have so many things on my mind and perfetly good outlet to get them said...yet I never find the time...no wonder my "Calgon" moments are few and far between these days!

I miss my blogger friends! I miss the quiet! How do you find e time to get the quiet times?

OK so the things I am thinking about tonight are:

1. I have doctor appointment next week (May 7th) I am not one to ever go to the doctor (except when I was pregnant). I had to finaly break down and make an appointment though. Mostly because my husband's Aunt (a nurse) has told me to do it! I am extremely worried. I don't usually worry about my own health. Yet here I am. I have to go get checked for breast cancer. Yes, you read right! It is all because I got an email recently from a dear sweet friend who passed along information about a newer for of breat cancer. It starts with a rash on your breast and typically goes undiagnosed until it is too late. I have had a strange rash on my breast for over a year now. I know I know why did I wait???? Well see the list of things above and mayb it will seem (like it has too me) that I have just been too busy! I guess it is really not a good excuse but I really have thought that the rash would just go away. The concerning thing is that the same breast has grown (sinificantly) larger than the other breaast this year. I kept telling myself that it was because I had a baby last year and nursed her. But things have gone on for too long now. I admit I am SCARED! I am 32 years old. I don't have time to be sick! I don't want to even think about what this will mean for my family. I thought I would have my husband's Aunt look at it last week and she would tell me that I had nothing to worry about. Not so! She took one look and said I needed to see the doctor ASAP! UGH!!! So here I am waiting and waiting to see the doc. Since I never go to the doc and I only chose a doc because our insurance required it I am considered a new patient so could not get an appt. ASAP. I have not told my extended family yet...including my mom. Kind of weird that I am posting this but I just don't want my parents to be worried and I also know my Mom would try to come up here and see me and I am not ready for that yet. I think it would be better to just wait and see what comes of this. I know already that I won't get any answers at this first visit. This could drag on for awhile. I think I will have to see a specialist before I actually know anything at all. This is probably one reason I do not want to go to the doctor at all. I hate waiting. I would rather pretend everything is OK and go on with my daily life.

2. I am also wondering what we were thinking breeding our dog. SHe is a great mommy dog and had a great litter of puppies. Now I have to figure out how to sell them, feed them, take them to the vet for shots, not to mention the fact that there are 9 puppies running (well soon to running) around my house with all the 5-6 kids that are here everyday! UGH!!! (again)

3. My DH wants to change careers! AGAIN!!! He wants to go to school. And while in theory I am all for it. I also know that he HAS to stay at this job.

I am remembering a Psychology class I took in college. One lecture in particular that I will NEVER forget was about stress. The prof made us all fill out a questionaire. It was filled with all these questions about major and minor life events. We were asked to answer the questions as honestly as possible. When we had all completed the questionaire, he assinged a points value to each event. We were instructed to tally our points and share the total with the class. I remember I had a score of around 500 points. It was funny because we (as a class) had no idea what the points meant. The points were to gage the level of stress that a person was under. THe prof was completely shocked that my score was around 500 points. I remember he said to me that I should be dead with that level of stress in one year! I laughed because I thought my results must have been quite typical of a college student. Not so! I look back t that time in my life an I am often relieved that I have not had to take that questionaire again. Because now I have REAL stress. Not just 19 year old in college and life is hard kind of stress.

Thinking also about the title of this blog. Sometimes I wonder what the deal is. No one should have to be under the stress I have found in my life. I believe in God! I have always been a good girl. I have always done the things I am asked to do as well as the things that are expected of me. So, then why? Why is the road so long and hard? I am not trying to complain really I am not. I am just curious as to why, that's all. I mean when does enough become enough.

At the same time I am wondering all these things and reflecting on how things are going. I know that everything happens for reason. I really really know that.

So I will keep on going and keep on being responsible and keep on trying to get through each day the best way that I can...


Until next time...