Never meant to hurt anyone...

Ah...I have had this blog for a couple of years now. It has served as MY place to say whatever I need to in order to sort my thoughts, share my world and just vent. I never imagined that it would hurt anyone. I never intended to offend. I have simply needed an outlet. I have felt that I could write the things that I can not say out loud. Is this wrong? Is it too much personal information to share with the world at large? I have no true idea who might come across these pages and read them. I have thought to myself that if some unknown person stumbled across this blog and they found a kindred spirit or encouragement during their own times of need, then maybe it is a good thing. I have always been a what you see is what you get kind of person. I like being open and honest with my thoughts. I like having other people know me and sometimes encourage me to keep on keeping on.
So, those of you who read this may be wondering "what is she talking about now?" I made a post here the other night when I had insomnia and needed to get all my thoughts out of my head. I posted a link to my facebook account because I have many wonderful friends who have known me a long time and are very encouraging to me. I wanted people who care about me to know what I was truly going through right now. I never thought about the content hurting someone. I am not even sure why it would. But my blog was read by someone who was in turn hurt by the things I wrote. And now I feel really bad about that. I went back and reread the post and I still don't understand why it hurt. I don't understand how I could be accused of slamming my husband. I was simply venting my feelings in what I thought was a safe place.
So, I have decided to make this blog a little more private. The last thing I want to do is hurt the ones I love. I still, however, need this outlet. I still need a place to write things down and get other's opinions etc... so if you are a follower of my blog or if you want to be a follower of my blog and you know me, then please send me a message and I will include you in the list of people who will be able to continue to read. If not that is OK. I will still write. I will still vent. I will still remain true to my needs. I will however try not to be hurtful in my own healing process.
OK, now that that is out of the way, I do have a few thoughts today, beyond the above mentioned stuff.
I am not as sad today as I have been. That is a good thing. I am coming to the conclusion that all of this turmoil in my life might be for a good reason. What if this is all God's way of drawing me back into a truly closer walk with Him? To be honest it has been really hard to pray or even seek out God in any way, for a long time now. Maybe that is what I really need to do. Lord knows I have the time now. BUT (and this is a big but) I am afraid. I am afraid to seek out God because, by history, every time I seek a closer walk with God the enemy tries to destroy me. I know I am not alone in this. I know that I am not uniquely attacked. I know that the enemy wants to destroy faith in all of God's children. But I am worn down to the bone. I am tired of fighting those spiritual battles. I have said before that I identify the closest with David from the Bible. David was a sinner. David made huge mistakes in his lifetime. Yet, the Bible describes David as a man after God's own heart. I understand that. I can identify with that. I am starving to death (in a spiritual sense. I have not fellowship with folks who believe like me in 3 years. I feel like I am living in the dessert. Wandering like the Israelites. I hope I do not wander for 40 years. I pray that I can find that hidden path and walk boldly through these trials in my life, with a sound assurance that God has my back. Because at this point I think God could be the only one who has my back. I pray that God will heal my marriage. I pray that God will lead me to the road he wants me to travel. I pray that I will have a heart that recognizes the still small voice that will guide me. I am not worthy but I am truly willing to follow. I want to find peace again. I want to feel loved and if God is the only one who can give that to me, then I will not fight against that.
God give me the strength and wisdom to know where I need to go.