I thought I would be asleep by now...guess not though. Sleep seems to be just beyond my reach tonite. I started to drift off a little while ago while reading so I turned out the lights and was instantly and totally awake with my thoughts. I went to therapy today. Well let me back up first and say that the past couple of days have been a bitter sweet mix if blessings and sadness. Chuck left for North Carolina on Sunday afternoon. I knew it was coming up and yet I was completely blindsided by the overwhelming emotions I experienced during the last 24 hours he was here. I guess I had been holding on to my feelings hoping he would be gone before anything significant hit me. It did not turn out the way I had hoped. I was a blubbering fool. I cried and cried and cried some more. I cried till 3am on Saturday/ Sunday. Then when we woke up Sunday I could not stop the tears again. Saturday night I finally admitted to myself (and to Chuck) that he had broken my heart. I am not sure I have ever truly had a broken heart before. I have never felt pain like this. I have never been more confused by someone else's actions and words before. I love my husband with all that is in my soul and yet some how have been able for the past few weeks to tell myself that I could move on and just be his friend now. That is not even possible for me to imagine right now. So, I went to therapy today...I sometimes hate going there. But at the same I know I need the help. So, my therapist tells me I can not work on my marriage right now. I need to make working on my marriage an off limits subject for me. She says it is because he is not working on himself. She agreed with my thoughts that this other woman he talks to is just a distraction and an infatuation. I want to contact this woman and tell her to leave my man alone but the therapist says that will mot accomplish what I want it too. She says that would be like me blaming the other woman. Well I do blame her. What kind of person gets involved with a married man and tries to be his new found "best" friend. I am supposed to be his best friend. He keeps telling me things like I love you. I will never stop loving you. I will always be here to support you and take care of your needs and the children's needs. All I here anymore is blah blah blah blah... I am so worn down. I am so sad. I am so tired of being left behind! I know I have abandonment issues. Gosh do I know that! But come on I am being abandoned. He went to NC for a job. Yes, that is noble for him to find work. Yes, I am thankful he was finally able to find work. But why would he leave. He says he knows he has anger issues. He can not live in the same house as me because he is afraid that he will not be able to stop his rage. I know there is a lot of pent up anger in him. I know he has worked hard for our family. But I have too. He tells me he misses the sweet girl he fell in love with. I told him that she is gone. You can not return innocence to someone. You can not unhurt the ones you have hurt. I have this crazy mess of unresolved feelings that plague me every minute of the day. The situation is making me crazy! Yet, here I am again, all alone in this house with four of the most amazing children. Who need so much from me and from him. I keep praying that he will find his way. He needs to get some help for his sake, my sake and our children's sake. I love this man so much. I know that our relationship is unhealthy. I just can not for the life of me figure out why I am not supposed to work on my marriage anymore! It seems to me that now is the time I should fight the hardest! Now is the time I should work with out rest. How come people think that marriage is so disposable? I do not understand. One thing that really hurts me is the fact that he broke a promise to me. He vowed to love me until the day we die and he promised to forsake all others! So why then can I not turn my back on him. He broke the promises not me. He is the one who wants a divorce. I just want my family back together and I want my husband back. The one who really loved me. The one who promised me the world.
So I have choices to make. Do I contact the other woman? Do I listen to the therapist and stop working on my marriage? I truly do not know what to do. I hate this! I really really hate this!

Until next time...