Everything changes...

Things are always changing. I have so much to think about these days that sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away. I never seen myself going through these kind of changes again. But this is where we are and nothing short of a miracle will change it. I guess I could back up and let all of you know that last Monday night my husband decided to "come clean" with me about the emotional affair he had while he was in Germany. He has adamantly refused to give up contact with the woman that he met there and so now there is no choice but for us to divorce. I know I am a weak person because I have it in my head that if he were just willing to work on our marriage (by going to therapy and giving up this other relationship) I would stay and work it out. Bad thing is he does not want to work it out. I am trying to handle all of this with grace, and honor. It is not easy!! Sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes I just want to run to him and hold him close and remind him how much I have loved him. I feel like I am breaking into a million pieces all the time. I have some goals but do not know how I will accomplish them and be a single mom to 4 kids. I am scared. I am confused and I am SO tired of crying. How is it that so many people can tell me I deserve better than this, yet, I can not convince myself that better is out there. I do not want to start over with anyone else. I can not see myself falling in love again. That makes me lonely. I can not remember ever feeling this lonely before. I want to go home to TN. Where I have friends and family who will love me and help me through all of this. The craziest thing of all is that since we decided to split up Chuck has been a friend to me. That is all I wanted while we were married. I wanted us to get along and be friends again and I guess for him it took giving up on our marriage to get there. It creeps me out how nice and supportive he is being. He is still staying here (until he gets a job) on the couch and that is harder than I though it would be. I know that in couple weeks when he physically leaves I am going to lose it all! I can not help that. I am glad I know it is coming. But at the same time I am freaking out inside about it. I hate being alone. I hate feeling the way I do right now. I feel like he gave up on us too easily and now I have a hard time believing in him to make good on his promises to take care of me and the kids. We have this plan that he will pay our bills and help me get through nursing school. I want to believe in that but I am afraid to give myself completely over to that hope. I am so tired of my dreams being destroyed by people who are supposed to love me. I am so afraid that it will never change for me. What if I never find someone who will love me for me? I do not want to be alone. Is it wrong to hope that when he is gone he will regret things and want to come back to our family? Is it wrong to hope beyond hope that reconciliation could happen someday. I have always felt like he was my soul mate and now I am lost with out him. What am I going to do???
I am so alone and lost I just wish someone could show me the way.

Until next time...