at the end of the day...

Blogging may become my renewed outlet. I go in phases you know. Sometimes I really need to be able to just put things out here and get them off my chest.

Like I said earlier, today has been strange. Chuck has been ultra helpful. Weird considering we have decided to end our marriage. I think he is trying to prove to me that he will make good on his promises to take care of me and the kids. Emotionally I have not even let myself really feel anything yet. I think I am afraid. So, my reaction is to be detached. It worked out OK today. Not sure that game plan will work everyday. We have six months to figure out how all of this will work out before we can actually file for divorce. Then I have no idea how long it will take after that for everything to be final. Neither one of us wants to fight over anything anymore. So I guess that is a plus. I can't help but wonder if I will end up getting the crappy end of the stick when all this is said and done. But I try to tell myself not to think negative thoughts. I also (hate to admit that) I think maybe before it is officially over maybe we will come back together again. That is a LONG shot for sure. I am not sure that I really even want that. There have been so many hurts over the years and so many broken promises. I am sure I have let him down but I am not really clear on the how and whys.
Trust is a sensitive thing. My trust in him is so broken that I have a really hard time looking at him with out thinking to myself that he is probably lying to me. That was the thing that did it in the end for me. I can not stand people who lie. I told one big lie, one time and it cost me my life as I knew it. Since then my mantra has been to always tell the truth NO MATTER the consequences. I can tell you that this is not an easy thing. But I have been honest to a fault since that event (10 years ago). So, for me to find out I was living and sharing my life with some who lies so easily and hides things from me was devastating. I have spent the past couple of months trying to find a way to get past it and forgive him. It is really difficult to forgive someone who continues to be dishonest though. At some point one has to make a decision. I made my decision based on many factors. One being that I can not look at him the same anymore. Another is the fact that I never want to loose the respect of my children. I don't want him to loose the respect of our children either. That is one area where I can say he excels. He is an excellent Daddy. He really loves them and wants the best for them. He takes lots of time to explain things to them. He is gentle (mostly) with them. I never want to destroy him in their eyes, for their sake. It is really hard to manage all the different aspects of my feelings in the current set of circumstances.
So, today was harder because he wanted to help me so much. It makes me love him for that. Which is very confusing because aren't people going through a divorce supposed to hate or at least strongly dislike each other? I have a lot of questions. I am not sure they will ever be answered in a satisfactory way. I am not even sure how to ask most of them. How will I ever make it through this trial? I had several friends tell me today that God does not give us more than we can handle. I just want to laugh at that! I am not even sure God gave me this. It seems to me that Chuck and I have made a ROYAL mess of things, not God. I want to put the blame somewhere, but I don't think that any of this is God's fault. My faults are that I have let life overwhelm me to the point of depression. I let myself be trapped in feeling sorry for myself and complaining all the time about how this is not how it was all supposed to be. Who am I to know what was supposed to be?
Chuck told me a few days ago that he feels like he needs to be on his own so he can make the changes he needs. He feels like he needs to be responsible for himself. He actually said that not having me to take care of him and make excuses for him will make him a better man. I do not understand that at all. I thought a wife's job was to take care and coddle and shower love and affection on her mate. I guess we just have different views on what a marriage is. I also thought a marriage should be between just the two of us. But it seems he has found another to confide in. To await conversations with. Someone who fills a need that I have been cut off from even knowing about. I do not understand unfaithfulness. Even when it is just an emotional bond and nothing physical. I wish...well I don't even know what I wish. I guess I wish that life would just be a little easier, for a little while anyway.
So, I will continue my therapy. Wondering always if I will someday be the strong person that everyone tells me I already am. I do not feel strong. I feel weak and helpless and confused and scared and alone. I do not do alone very well. I pray that my strongest weakness does not become my biggest trial. I told Chuck that I would rather be alone because he is away working on the road than to be alone in the same house with the man I was supposed to spend my life with.
How do you stop loving the father of your children? How do you look at them everyday and see so much of him in them and it not rip your heart out? How do I pick up all the shattered pieces of my life and move on, when all I ever wanted was a happy healthy marriage? How do I ever trust anyone again with my heart?
OK I really must stop now before I fall to pieces!

Until next time~