My little update

After reading an old classmates blogs yesterday I have felt a strong desire to update my own blog...LOL. It has been a couple of months and I am sure some of you are wondering (if you have not forgotten about me already) what has been going on. So, I am sending out my little electronic update. :)

Last time I blogged I had just returned home from Germany. I was so full of hope for the future. I still am just not in the same way. Chuck came home at the end of June. The lay off came a little sooner than I had hoped. But there was much rejoicing at his homecoming and in the weeks that followed. Our marriage has taken on a new direction and the challenges (on most days) seem to be surmountable. We have learned to battle things out in a different and new way. The days of screaming, fighting and basically destroying each other are over. We have committed ourselves to a "walk away" when you are too mad to talk game plan, and it seems to be working. One thing that has been especially enlightening to me has been the idea that not every disagreement HAS to be solved right then and there. I am learning the art of setting aside my need for immediate closure. Letting something go (for now) and picking it up later when the two of us can be calm and rational is not my strong suit. BUT I am learning.
This summer has been filled with so many trials. Yet, through it all my focus has been to be thankful for what I do have. I am trying to be very positive even in the face of trouble. My most recent personal goal has been to find my true self. I know at 33 years old I should really already know who I am. But honestly I feel as id I have reinvented myself so many times in my life that I do not truly know who I am. This is a huge challenge to me because I feel as though I can not teach my children to value themselves if I am unsure of myself. Part of the reason I am on this quest has to do with my children and part of it has to do with several people who have made the comment to me that I am not the same person I used to be. This is true. Not all changes in me have been negative, but some have. I had an old friend tell me recently that I seemed to be a really sad girl (back in high school). I was surprised at his observation. I remember being mostly happy or seeming to be mostly happy in those days. But after looking back at myself in the mirror of my memory I can see that I have been sad in many ways through out my life. I think I used to hide it better but it was always there. Therapy for the past 11 months has helped a lot. If you had asked me a year ago if I thought therapy was useful I would have answered no. But I do believe that if you can find the right therapist for you, it definitely is a great tool to use. So, I go once a week and I pour my heart to my therapist and I feel better when I leave. It is nice.
Shame and sadness are two pitfalls I am trying desperately to avoid in my life. For the first time I realize that life really is too short. It seems cliche to say but it is so true. I am watching my babies grow so fast. It seems unreal that Chuck and I have been parents for seven years. Where did the time go?
I have two in school this year! Yay me! School started last week and it was one of the best weeks I have ever had. Not that I don't love my children with all my heart and soul, but I really love having just two at home during the day. All of my chores are easier and I get the added bonus of enjoying my toddler and preschooler more thoroughly.
Chuck's layoff has been longer than we anticipated but some how we are surviving. He will hopefully be back to work in a couple of weeks. He will probably have to travel again, but this time there will be no ocean between us.
So, as we head into the beauty of the fall season I am renewed and refreshed. I am empowered to believe that all things will work out for the good. I am encourage to know that each of us walks a difficult path yet, we can draw strength and encouragement from one another. Life is definitely worth the living especially when the lessons have been hard learned.

Until next time....