A new day dawns...

We had a fun and exciting weekend! The kids did not have school on Friday so I took Emily over to G'Mom's house to spend the day and Zach, Matt, Jenna, Zach's friend and I all went to the park for several hours. It was a blast! Then I headed over to Mark's for some dinner and gaming. It was fun and I only had my two littlest ones and their cousin to watch so it was a great break. Then on Saturday evening all my kids went over to Chuck's cousin's house and spent the night. I had planned to go out and hear some local bands with Mark and Charlie but (surprise surprise) we decided to stay in and learn a new game. I am beginning to think my secret geek is coming out of the closet :) I so enjoy playing board games (OK really any games). We are always trying out games I have never heard of but they are usually pretty fun. We tried a game called Calyus on Saturday. Right now my favorite game is called Puerto Rico. I tend to be the one who finds a game and then only wants to play that game until it gets old. Good thing for me we have a pretty good group of folks who like to play as much as I do.

Anyway, I am still fighting off sadness through out my days and nights. I am still confused and wondering where this road I am on is going to lead. But I am trying really hard to keep myself distracted enough so that it all does not bother me too much. It is hard for me when I talk to Chuck these days cause I just don't know what to say to him any more. I know it is me. I know that if I wanted to talk he would probably listen but I keep thinking to myself what can he really say that will make me feel better. So, I keep it casual. Even though he is still the one I want to call as soon as something happens (good or bad). He is the last person I want to talk to before going to sleep and the first person I wish I could talk to when I wake up. I wish it were the same for him. Maybe it is. I don't really know what he is thinking or feeling these days. I don't really ask. I am trying so hard to make things as easy on all of us as possible. I am worried all the time about what I should or should not do and say. I want to give him his space yet I also want to be in his space. Pretty messed up I know. Blogging helps and so does talking to my best friend. Since he left a week ago my life has felt pretty isolated. I go over to Mark's, GMom's on Tuesdays and other than that I hardly talk to anyone (unless it is on Facebook). I feel like I am more alone that I have been in a long time. I am sure I could pick up the phone or go visit someone, but I don't really feel like it. I hate when people who know what is going on want to try to talk to me and make me feel better. It does not help. Sounds bad but I don't want anyone to tell me it is going to be OK. I don't really want most of the "crazy" advice people want to give me. And there are just certain people I can not tolerate who think that just because he is gone they should waltz back into my life, like I want that! Why do some people think that they can come to me and give me advice or say things like "You know I am here for you" when they are NEVER there for anyone but themselves! No, thanks I can handle it better with out your help. At least there will be less drama that way!
It is hard taking care of our kids by myself. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be any easier. I also wonder a lot about how long will I have to do this? Will it really be until they are all raised? I mean I do not believe that I can live with that. I have at least 16 more years to have kids in my house being taken care of by me. I am also realistic enough to know they don't actually leave at 18 years old so... I may have longer. Am I supposed to spend at least the next 16 years being the primary full time parent of four kids? Yes, I know the answer to that question is YES. But it is so scary! I mean if things never work out between Chuck and I how will I ever do this? I did not have all these kids to be raising them alone. In fact if you really want to know the truth this is one of my BIGGEST fears coming true. I never wanted to have any child and be on my own. Now, by on my own I mean: Me being the parent who is at home with them. I do not mean financially supporting them all by myself. I know that he will always support his kids. I know that he will not leave us stranded like that. But raising kids takes more than that. In fact sometimes I feel like earning the pay check has to be way easier than being at home with them. I choose to be at home, so don't think I am complaining, it is probably just a "the grass is greener" kind of thing. I don't know.
I want to go back to school for nursing. It seems as if this is an insurmountable task. Especially now that I am alone. I have no idea how all of this will work and I am so overwhelmed at the thought of it that I can hardly breathe.
I am trying to teach myself to dream again BUT my practical side of my brain is revolting. I am so practical about somethings that since I can see so many obstacles in my way, I can not begin to imagine how my dreams can come true. One of the things I have always loved so much about being with Chuck is that he is a dreamer and I am not. SO where I can totally manage things in today he has this awesome power to look ahead. He is not so good at the today part. So we balanced each other out. He has always been able to set goals and reach them. I can not even get to the setting goals part. Funny huh? Chuck has a vision for the future and I have a vision for the present it always seems to work out so well. Now who is going to help me see beyond today? A friend of his told me once that we were like a Yin and Yang. Total opposites that balance each other out. So, how did it all go so wrong? How do I stop hoping that I will still spend my life being in balance with him? How? How? How? See these are the things that are in my brain. This is the reason I can not talk to him about things that are more than casual. If I try to talk about these things then I am sure he will feel like I am holding on too tight. I want him to feel free so that he can sort through his own feelings and the decisions he has to make to be his best person. How do you love someone this much and have to be forced to let them go. I hate that saying "If you love something set it free" I hate hate hate that! But I do love him so, I must set him free. BUT HOW? I am doing the best that I can. People say I am doing better than most...doesn't really seem that way too me but I am trying.
Today is new day. My goal is to quit smoking. This is my first goal, on my own. I have been smoker for going on 10 years now and I hate it. So, since I know I quit each time I was pregnant, I can do this. I am worried about being grumpy. I hate being grumpy cause the kids do not need a grumpy Mommy right now. BUT if I can just get through the first part of this I will be healthier and happier. So I am doing it! Prayers would be helpful, thank you!

Until next time...