Lost at sea

Tonight I am sitting here wondering about so many things.

It is so hard to not get overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like I am caught in a rip tide. My feet come rushing out from under me and all of a sudden I am drowning. At least this is what I think a rip tide would be like.

One moment I can feel happy and like things are going just as I think they should and then something happens and nothing seems OK. What is this? Is it because I have been struggling with my faith? Is it because I have four children and never saw that as what my life would be? Is it because I seem to be the ONLY person in this world who can see the goodness in the man I am married to? What is this thing that is trapping me down below the surface of my desires to be happy.

Some might think it is postpartum depression. I would argue that I have felt this way since long before the baby came. Some would say I have been pregnant back to back for 5 years and so that is contributing to these feelings. To this I would say YES that could be it. But I see these other Mom's who seem so in love with being a Mom. Why can't I have that? Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids. I just don't feel the same about the exhausting, draining, hard work that it takes to do this job.

I feel like I am going to ruin my children's lives. I yell too much. Twice in a month two of my children have told someone else that "Mommy doesn't like me" What is that?!?!? I have never told any of the kids that I don't like them. Are they trying to elicit sympathy from their listener? Or do they really feel this way? Is this normal for young children to feel rejected when a new baby (or 3) comes along?

I try everyday to make each child feel like they are the MOST special person in my life. Yet they still fight constantly with each other. Lately I find myself either completely ignoring their fights or snapping at them for each little inference. How can I call myself a loving mother if I yell at them, send them to their rooms, spank etc... ?? But what am I supposed to do? My patients are so worn out. Even if I ever do get to sleep through the night again (which I am seriously doubt will ever happen in my life) I don't think it will change who I really am at the core.

I have spent my life trying to be a good christian, a good daughter, a good friend, a good wife, a good mother etc... Where is it getting me? I am not sure who I am any more. Beyond the basic titles of wife and mommy, who am I? I am surely not the girl I was in High School. That girl deserved a big kick in the pants. I am not the young lady I was in my 20's. She was a know-it-all who had an opinion about everything and judgements to dole out to anyone who did not meet her standard. Now I am a woman in my 30's and I am lost!

I question everything I have ever thought to be true. Where did my sense of self go? I thought getting older would help me to be wiser. I thought I would feel like a grown up eventually. I am lost in a sea of diapers, spit up, stomach viruses, and left overs. The list could go on and on.

When does the peace come? Maybe I am hitting the rebellion stage that I never got to enjoy when I was a teenager. Probably not but I do have this overwhelming urge to just runaway (for at least a few hours anyway). Where would I run to? Well, I have no earthly idea! That is the problem. Everyone tells me to find time for myself! Yeah right! I don't even get to go to the potty by myself anymore. If am cruel enough to close the door, I get to listen to a small person on the other side scream "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY....!!!!!"


Does it get better than this? I don't mean theoretically I mean does it actually get better? These are all questions I do not have the answers to. I am not even sure I want the answers (too afraid it will scare the *bleep* out of me).

So, that leaves me to wonder these things to myself. I would not dare voice them for fear that someone might think I don't have it as together as they think I do.

Failure is not an option...right? So I guess I need to pull up my big girl pants and put on a happy face and keep on keeping on.