I am home from my trip to Germany. For all intents and purposes I think it went really well. I got the much needed rest I was looking for. It was not a trip of sightseeing and various activities. It was trip for rest and reconnection. I feel like I accomplished a little of both. By no means is marriage completely repaired that will take much more time than one week. But it was so nice to see him. I realized several things while I was there. I realized that we are BOTH responsible for the mess that our relationship is in. For quite sometime now I have personally been blaming him for all of our troubles. It has been easier than one would think. I realized that I have not given him the respect he deserves for the things he does everyday for his family. I got to see exactly how difficult things are for him and all the other men who are there working for their families. I went thinking that I needed to remind him of the reasons he had for being there. Yet, some how I came home with a renewed respect and deeper love for the man who has given me the life that I so easily complain about. I have resolved with in my own heart to be a better wife. Less nagging, more encouraging. Less complaining, more appreciation. I learned a lesson in how not to fight. One thing that I have never been willing to take responsibility for is the fact that when we fight I do not give in. I have refused to walk away. I have always felt an overwhelming need to stand in his face and demand a resolution to the situation. I realize now that those actions don't get me the resolution I am looking for. All those actions get is an angry response to being back into a corner. The most important thing that I do not want to forget is that a fight does not HAVE to be resolved instantly. I can walk away or he can walk away and there will be time later to discuss more calmly what our differences are. I truly hope I am not too late. I hope I can practice these new ideas. I hope that it is not too late. I want more than anything to be able to move forward in our relationship. I hope I was not too foolish for too long. I hope that the changes that need to be made will have the chance to begin. I think they will. I trust that this man is worth the wait. What I found in Germany was my husband. He is broken down. He is living a very difficult situation. He is struggling just like me to get things right. I hope that beyond the distance we will be able to reach out to each other and walk this path together.
We need to dream together again. I feel a renewed sense of urgency to help him achieve his dreams. I want to be a wife that he is proud of. I want to have a life together that he is proud to have earned for us. I lack many skills when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I lack much in the way of self discipline. I lack in so many ways. I am determined to look at things in a more realistic way. I am determined to not allow my emotions to direct me. I have lived by emotions for so long that I know it will be a challenge to change my way of thinking. But I can do it. In Germany I found a renewed sense of power. I realized that so often I make him choose for us. Upon examination of this process I realized that so often I must do that so I will not have to take the blame when something goes wrong. That is not respect. My counselor told me a couple of weeks ago that "You get what you give. And that goes both ways" I am truly truly remorseful that for awhile now what I have given has not been loving nor kind. How could I have expected anything different in return? I pray with all that is in me that I am not too late to repair the damage. I hope that a change in my actions and attitudes can produce a long awaited change in our relationship. It is completely humbling to admit that I am just as much a problem in this relationship as he is maybe more so. I have failed in my job as a wife. But I pray that with this newly discovered information, I will be able to work hard to restore my relationship with the man that I love. I love him with all that is in me. I love him for everything he is, was and will become. He is the one person I can not imagine a life without him as my partner. I want to get to the point of forging a renewed partnership together. At the end of the road he is who I want standing beside me. It will take work. I am sure there will be times that I will stumble, maybe even fall. But in this life I need him. So I will resolve to love him through this time and all others to come.

I found that on this trip no matter what you have to take care of yourself, then your family. I am going to take care of myself, my husband and my children. If there is time left over for friends and extended family then great if not I hope they understand where and why my priorities are.