The light

I am reveling in a feeling of peace! I know different than the other night. I am embracing joy. Trying to feel as much of it as possible. Knowing that it may be a fleeting feeling. My emotions cover such a range. It almost amazes me. Almost, because I realized last night that I have lived with this depression all my life. I never knew that before. Or maybe I should say I never recognized it before. When I was young I would write poetry (ok none of it was good, but I got to get my feelings out). I always felt like I was melodramatic as a kid. I never felt like anyone understood me. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Don't get me wrong there were times in my life when I felt utterly accepted and truly loved. It is hard for me to remember what it was that made me feel loved and accepted. When I was in school (grade school) I always felt like everyone else was better than me. Maybe it is because my family was so different. We had six children and we were very poor. That is hard on a kid, especially because other kids can be so cruel in their teasing. As I got older I realized that those kids who used to tease me grew up in the same place as I did. NONE of them were any better than me. In fact truth be told I made it out of there and most of them did not. So that is something huh? But every once in a while I hear there taunting comments ring through my brain and I wonder.... Then there was High School! OMG!!! I would never ever go through that again! I hated High School. I never found my niche. I tried sports. I like playing the games, hated the team mates who seemed to pick on me relentlessly. I was too lazy to excel academically. I always seemed to make friends with the least popular people in the school. I always rooted for the underdog. I hated discrimination whether it was because of the color of ones skin or because of their station in life. I always found myself connecting to those who were wounded. Looking back maybe that was because I was wounded as well. So, what caused me to be a wounded spirit? I can't remember anything really bad ever happening to me. So why the damage and baggage that is following me everywhere? I don't know. It drives me crazy because I think that if I could just identify what went wrong then I could maybe fix it or figure out how to move forward. Counseling is helping. I am learning to listen to the voice that is deep inside of me. I am learning to trust myself. College was the most glorious time of my life! I LOVED LOVED LOVED it! I made friends that seemed so genuine, so true, so accepting of me. I messed that all up though. When I got married to the wrong person for the VERY wrong reasons. I lost everyone!!! None of those people stayed in touch. I was disposable to them. I needed their friendships way more than they needed mine. Socially I was fulfilled while in college. I was growing spiritually. I thought I was on the "right" path. When I got married I still believed in "happily ever after". I still believed that things always work out for the good. I still believed in an ultimate plan. Twelve years later, a divorce, a career, dating, remarriage, 4 children, heartache, heart break, moving more than 12 times, realizing that friendships are fleeting, I do not believe in any of those things anymore. That makes me so sad! I am scared to admit that out loud. Maybe lightning will strike (again). Maybe I will be punished for my lack of faith. Faith is a funny thing. See I always thought I had a gift of Faith. It just came so easily for me. I just knew what I knew and in my heart Faith was strong! My life seemed to reflect that. And BAM! It was all gone! I did all the "right" things. I made a few genuine mistakes. Mistakes that changed the course of my life forever! You can't take them back. You can't change the past. I know that. I know the really I only have right now this minute...nothing else is certain. And right now in this minute I want to change the direction of my life again. I want to shape it into something extraordinary! I want to be a person that makes a difference. I want to be happy and helpful and needed. So how do I get there? Unable to change the past but desperate to change the future. So I am blogging. Maybe it will help me. But even more importantly maybe it will help someone else. I know that I am not the only person going through this. I know there are others. All of us for different reasons. All struggling to find the meaning in it all. So this is my little slice of the pie. I am offering it up so that maybe someone else will not have to suffer as much. I know I will make it through this. I am going to be happy again. But this time it will be real. It will be mine and I will know why all these years have been so difficult.

So, today I am enjoying the light! I am feeling the joy. I am loving my journey....yes, I did say loving. With out all of the troubles we would never be able to find value in the joy nor the pain. So today I am finding the value!

Until next time...

~J