What do you say?

This is a two part entry. It started as a letter to an estranged friend and turned into something completely different. Don't mind me I am just trying to reason through my feelings and thoughts.

What do you say to the friend you thought you would never lose? I am so sad and sorry that we don't talk anymore. I am still confused about what happened to us. My life is filled with so many losses and so many hurts. I think so often how much I would like to just pick up the phone and talk to you. I tried to call you once this summer. It was on a day that I ran away from home. I was gone for 4 days. I felt like the world was shifting beneath my feet. You were the person I wanted to call. You were the one person I knew who would understand. But all I have gotten from you is silence. Why is that? Did I do something unforgivable? For the life of me I can not figure out why we are not friends anymore. If you would just tell me. Is it about me? I have tried to think of everything (which about drove me crazy) until I could not think of it anymore. I miss you! I miss so many of the little things. I miss just hanging out and laughing and eating and watching our kids play. I miss talking to you when my world was upside down. You having the right things to say or least a good plan to cheer me up. I tried to be that kind of friend to you as well. You changed my life. You were the first true friend I had made since college. It is a rare thing to find a true friend. I never once thought that we would be estranged. I foolishly thought we would be the best of friends till we were little old ladies sipping tea.
We shared the music of our lives together. It haunts me everyday that you are gone.

So I have settled. Settled for less. That is maybe the theme for my life. I always seem to settle for less than I am worth. Turning 30 changed me. My ideals, goals and expectations. I wonder does that happen to everyone at 30? Do you think that it is common to look back at your twenties and think I was so naive. I was really idealistic. I used to believe that everything always works out for the good. I used to have a gift for it. Do you think that God is punishing me? Do you think that all the loss and hurt is because I am so awful that even God must punish me? I mean I don't go to church anymore. Everything that happened at at our last church sealed it for me. I have tried. Really I have. Recently we started attending a local Baptist church. My next door neighbor goes there and I thought we should try it out too. My kids hate it there. I can not understand it. They have always loved church so much. But they hate this one. To tell you the truth I am not so fond of it either. I am not sure why though. I think it is because I feel so much anxiety about being there. It reminds me of a time when I was married to a person who was in the ministry. A time when my life had a ministry. A time before all the chaos. Before all the compromises. I am not me any more. The problem is I don't even know who I want to be. I am so sad. I am so lost. My faith has be squashed. My good natured outlook is cynical. I wonder who have I become. I wonder is this depression? If so the anti depressant the doctor prescribed is not doing it's job. I am scared. It seems as if everything moves at too quick a pace. I was 30 two years ago. So why do I still feel a sense of loss. Why do I mourn the life I had when I was 20 something? It wasn't so great back then either. I had bigger dreams and less worries. But it all seemed tough to go through at the time. It seems like disappointments are bigger now. I look back and think of where I saw myself heading...and you know what I see? A girl who had no foresight. Looking ahead has never been my strong suit. I have always lived for today. Looking for the good in all things. Just "knowing" everything will always work out for the good. What happened to all that faith? I will tell you. Life happened. Twists and turns in the road. A few surprises thrown in for good measure. Love, loss and betrayal. Responsibility, worries, fear. Looking back I wonder at which crossroads would a different decision have changed everything? I believe that every person every day does the very best he or she is capable of doing. No one wakes up in the morning and declares "Today I think I will see how bad I can mess things up". No one does that. Yet, how is that a million little decisions and a few really big ones, can make such a mess.
I wish I knew what would make it easier.

I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring. Tomorrow (well actually later today) our nation will elect a new president. In the deepest part of my soul I know that nothing will ever be the same again after tomorrow. What is better, to learn a new skill and look into the future with a plan? Or continue to hope for the best? Do I jump on the wagon with those who are preparing for survival? I feel it in my soul that we are in for some very hard times. Yet, my over privileged American self does not even comprehend what hard times means. Does that mean that I need to find a job? Does that mean I should stockpile food and supplies? Will my husband have a job? Is he safe over seas? Will he be able to come back home when I need him to?

It's no wonder I am worried. It's no wonder I had a break down of sorts a few weeks ago. But is it really stress combined with a bad case of mono that is causing all if this anxiety?

So many questions, not enough answers. I am haunted by fear and paralyzed in faith.