If you are wondering about the title of my blog.....

I did not choose this title to be offensive. It just seems like the theme for my life right now. So many things that I had planned to do or not to do have changed in the past couple of years. It seems like every time I make plans for anything, life dramatically changes. And since I am a christian I believe that God is in control all the time, the logical conclusion is that this life might be a joke on me. I know I need to learn flexibility. I know I need to learn to not control everything. I guess that is the reason God blessed me with so many children. In fact I have a friend who has 7 children. When my 3rd was born we were in the church parking lot talking and her husband commented to me that children were a blessing from God and I replied to him that I had all the blessings I needed or wanted and that they could keep on being blessed without me. It was said in a joking matter but I was serious. I did not desire anymore of that kind of blessing. So what happened 7 months later I was pregnant again......by some weird accident. We were being so careful. And yet now the proof is here Baby girl arrived May 14th. Already she has taught me so much. I do not regret having her at all. Even though I spent most of my pregnancy resenting the fact that I was pregnant and going to be even more tied down than I already am. I was completely overwhelmed at the thought of having another baby. I already feel like there is not enough of me to go around. How would I ever manage four children and a husband? There already was no time for me. I had plans of starting nursing school in January and now that had to be put on hold...yet again! It seemed like God was saying, "No, Jackie, this is what I have planned for you. Trust me not yourself." And honestly I did not want to hear that. I wanted to finally reach a goal of MINE!! Yet, here I am a stay at home mommy. I have these four beautiful creatures that God has entrusted me with. And when I get out of my own way and really see what I have I am truly blessed. My newest addition has taught me to slow down. To savor those moments that we can never get back. I know we have a long hard road ahead of us with her medical problems. Yet, another of my fears realized. I always felt like with each additional child you are tempting fate. The risk of having a special needs child gets greater. And I already know that struggles and pain of caring for people with special needs. After all I did that for years before I was a Mommy. But, when they handed me my brand new baby girl, it was not her deformed foot that I saw. No, all I saw was this precious little girl who only needed my love. I had this peace that told me even if everything did not go as planned it would all be alright. I am not scared. I did feel guilty for not wanting the pregnancy. I did feel like maybe it was my fault. But my Mother talked me out of those trappings. The thing I have learned to do is slow down. Enjoy my baby. I am not wishing her babyhood away. When I nurse her I have learned to slow down and focus only on her. It is not a chore like it was with the other babies. I see it as my opportunity to be quiet and rest. So what if chaos is going on all around us. She will never be this old again. I will never get these days back. At first I thought these feelings were because she is my last baby. But I don't think that is it, after all I thought baby boy was my last. No, this time it is because I know this is exactly where God has me. I need to be thankful for every moment with these precious children, they grow up too fast. Also I heard something yesterday that has changed my perspective as well. If I do not love life and take care of myself, my children will grow up not knowing how to love themselves. They mirror what we do. If I only love them and not me they can not learn to love themselves. I know it is cliche to say that something on Oprah changed me but it did.
So even if this is God's joke on me, then I guess my sense of humor is getting better.
Stay tuned I am sure this journey is not over yet.