I need to learn to type faster or go to bed earlier so I can blog without the kids interrupting me.

OK now that I have that off my chest....I have been thinking for a couple of days about this post. Bear with me though while I work it all out in my head. I hope it does not come out too random or unreadable.
Recently when I was pregnant with Baby Girl (who we are now calling Squeaky) I went through an incredible depression. I think I may have eluded to that in a previous post. This was the first time in my life that I can say I was truly clinically depressed. It was so bad that the Doc wanted to put me on medication. Which initially I was fine with until I found out that the medication could cause two really serious problems for the baby. In hind site it is good that I did not take the meds because then I would blame myself even more for Squeaky's medical issues. I can not honestly tell you if my depression was because I was pregnant again and did not want to be or if it was because of the loss of a friendship that meant so much to me. A few months before our family moved to PA my best friend and I had some sort of falling out. According to her husband she might have had some sort of break down. She just stopped talking to me. I was so devastated. For one reason she was the first person I had referred to as a "best friend" since I was in college. It is not a title I throw around lightly. But also she was someone who I spent everyday with. I had invested so much into this friendship and then she just stopped talking to me. It hurt a lot. I am usually a very guarded person when it comes to letting others into my heart and life. I spent several months literally crying about this friend. Chuck tried to help me understand that it was not my fault. My friend's husband told me it was not my fault. But when you are me it feels like it must be my fault. It was really hard to pray about it. Which was the advice my mom kept giving me. But one day I told God how lonely I was. I was not in some major down on my knees situation or anything like that it was more like my heart was crying out in desperation. I did not even realize until just this week how deeply I was effected. So, I tell you all of that to say this... After my heart cried out, so many people who I knew when I was much younger have contacted me. I did not put all of this together as a blessing from the Lord until this week. A friend I knew since elementary school found me. I did not even know anyone anywhere was ever looking for me. It was a shock. I know I think about people and randomly will try to find them on the Internet. But I never in my life EVER thought anyone would be looking for me. Another friend from youth group (yes, you Farm Wife) found me right after my Squeaky was born. That has been a blessing in so many ways. The number one being that I know I am not the only person my age who has 4 kids...lol! Another couple of friends from high school have made contact with me and these were people who I thought really did not like me. Since we had not talked at all since graduation. A friend from my old job has gotten back in touch. A friend that I worked with and was really close to (until I got married) got back in touch too. All of these connections have been pretty recent (in the past 4-5 months). I realized that I am not alone. I have made some kind of impression on people's lives. Which is still amazing to me. I felt like (with the loss of my friend last summer) I must be a very forgettable type of person. I told myself a lot that I must not be a good friend because it seems like I lose more friends than I keep. But recently with the influx of people who have known me a long time coming back into my life, I realized that I am worthy of friendships. Sappy huh?
Well whether it was hormones or other emotional stuff that caused my depression I am more than happy to report that I feel like myself again!! I no longer feel like life is too much. Or that the glass is half empty. My optimism and faith have returned! And I have to Praise God for that! Because I was really tired of hearing myself complain. I can not even imagine how my Darling husband must have felt listening to his normally overly optimistic wife turn into a deeply disturbed pessimist.
Thank God for a positive outlook!!
Have a great and happy day today!!