Is this life God's big joke on me??

2010-03-07T10:41:00.002-05:00

Today is my 34th birthday. I am not really the kind of girl who stresses about getting older. I mean let's face it after you have given birthday to four children, vanity flies out the window and practicalilty replaces it. I don't worry too much about lines and wrinkles (mostly because I don't have any yet, honestly). If you see me around town, at home or anywhere at all you will see that I have not really looked inside the covers of ANY fashion magazine in a decade or so. I would like to claim that this is because I am not into any of that girly stuff. But the truth is that as I have gotten older my desires have changed. I like the simple life. Today though I am sad. I know have every reason in the world to not be sad, on the one hand, and every reason in my heart to be sad, on the other hand. What can I say, I'm a work in progress. And there is hope! A few months ago as I traveled through darkness in a pit, I can see now that God was reaching out to me. So, on this Sunday morning, being church homeless as I am, I feel like sharing the things God has shown me recently. I have two motivations for this post.
1. To lift my spirits and make known my restored faith in God's love and power.
2. To record this for myself as a reminder. Yes, I could do it in a journal but I will be honest I write better when I feel like I am telling someone about me and my life. Hopefully someone will relate or at least come closer to God through my sharing.

I am going to start back a few months ago. I was in a hospital back in November. I to this day do not know exactly what happened or how I ended up there. That's not to say I do not remember the events that led up to that event. I just for the life of me can not figure out how I ended up there. I started therapy about a year before. Every week I went to a therapist. I poured my heart out. I talked about painful things that I never talk about. All the while through out that year I was not getting any better. My depression and anxiety were at an all time high. Granted the outside stressors were also at an all time high. I was at the point where I was rendered useless. Have you ever felt rendered useless? I mean literally I could not function. Just to care for my childrens needs took every once of concentration and effort in my body. I truly thought I was giong crazy! An example I have shared with those close to me is: Just to get let's say a drink for my child. Once asked for a a drink my brain would have to literally think out what steps to take to accomplish the task. I felt like I was in a slow motion documentary on thought processing. I would think (litterally) Ok, so I have to get up out of this chair. Walk to the fridge. Find a glass. Choose a drink, pour it. Give the glass to said child. Sit back down. Doesn't sound like it such a complicated thing but when you have to think through every step individually it makes you a frustrated person. Not once during this period of time did I think to pray about it. Honestly I figured that some how I had gotten myself into this mess and it was not God's job to get me out. Oh what a liar our enemy is!
I had been put on antidepressants and antianxiety medicines by my doctor a few months earlier and the medications had been "adjusted" and changed several times. I, however, was not getting any better. In fact I was worse! I was a walking wreck. It was sometimes like watching a train wreck happen right before my own eyes! So, there I was in the hospital. Did I mention that said hospital was a mental hospital? I was so suprised to find myself there. Yet, looking back I don't know why I was suprised. The first night I was there I stayed in the day room. That was a room where all the patients spent most of there daytime hours either watching TV, playing cards, participating in group therapy or any number of activities. I was admitted to the hospital pretty late at night. They did not have any beds until late morning so I slept in the day room. I didn't really care. I felt incapable of caring about anything. In fact I was exhausted and frightened and overwhelmed. Nothing in my life had ever prepared me for that. Everything in my life had prepared me for a life on the other side of the nurses station. It was physically, emotionally and mentally overwhelming. I slept for the whole first day I was there. First in that crazy day room. Then by early afternoon in the semiprivate room that I would be in for the next couple of weeks. Sleeping was the easy part. After all part of the reason I was in there was because I couldn't sleep. They give you medicine for that. It took them a couple of tries to find something that helped me sleep at night without giving me nightmares. Nightmares were the number one reason I was not sleeping so a drug that has a major side effect of causing nightmares would have seemed to me to be a bad choice. It is difficult to have your voice heard though from my side of the nurses station.
My roommate was a lady named "Rose". She was an interesting one. She was in her mid to late 40s. The first thing I noticed about her was that she liked to sleep alot. Which was fine by me because so do I. It was always dark in our room. The staff was always coming in and waking her up. I am a light enough sleeper that I could usually hear them coming. Our room was right next to the nurses station so we could hear alot of what went on at the desk. Rose was not there for depression or anxiety. She did not have a serious mental illness. In fact for the life of me I could not see why Rose was there at all. She is a drug addict. She does not mind being a drug addict. She in fact was only there (according to her) to detox so that when she got high next time it would feel really good. OK I was shocked! I even asked her once why she would put herself through all that and not take the help right in front of her. She told me that I was naieve if I thought that anything I would get in that place was help. She said she came in an addict who had had 12 years sober until her best friend died and now she would rather be an addict than fight it anymore. Her story did not help me get out of my funk. But for her gift to me I will always thankful. I won't soon forget Rose. She gave me a book while I was sharing a room with her. I love to read and so people were always bringing me magazines and puzzle books and even a novel or two. But Rose gave me a self help book. I had seen it on her shelf and had wondered how she had gotten a Beth Moore book? I had surmised right that someone had given it to her. She claimed to be catholic but even at that not a religious person at all (her words not mine). I knew that Beth Moore wrote bible studies I had led a few in my day. At any rate I was curious about the book. Rose let me borrow it and I started reading. But at that point in my life I really really really did not want to go running back to God in shame and disgrace. I had too much pride for that. So my curiosity lasted less than a day. I did not feel that familiar tug on my heart and I returned the book to Rose thanking her for letting me look at it. A couple days later when Rose was getting discharged she was packing her stuff and tossed the book over to me. She said she wanted me to have it because I probably believed in things like that more than her. And anyway (her words again) the girl who had been in our room before me had given it to her. So I accepted the gift. Feeling a little trapped by it. I figured this book would be exactly like all the others I have on my shelves, full of behavioral modifications to help you fit into a mold that does not work. So I figured it would collect dust on my shelf until I found some unsuspecting soul to pass it onto. I also figured like all the other books I have I would read from it from time to time but I was certain it did not hold any real answers. Having become an avid purchaser of the self help section I could see that I had just been given yet another useless book. Or so I thought...

The book is called Get Out of That Pit and it did sit on my shelf for months after I got it. I just could not humble myself enough to open it again. I was so desperatly trying to make my life work that I did not have time to deal with my spiritual life. I told myself that because of the past experiences I had, there was no room in my life for all the spiritual warfare that so often accompanies living a life soley declared to God. I knew that four years ago I told God that I was too tired for all of this anymore. That in my way of thinking it would be WAY easier to stand for nothing than to be constantly attacked for being his servant. My logic was that if I was not activly pursuing God then the devil would leave me alone. Yes, I see that our enemy is a liar! Now I do anyway. At the time it seemed very logical. And yes this is an actual decision I consciously made. Seems ridiculous but it is true. I found myself taking so many pills everyday. I felt pretty numb but that was a relief because when the numbness wore off it was like being cut wide open and exposed for the world to see. I was a desperate woman in a desperate place. I could not function. I got discharged from the hospital and back into therapy I went. By the holidays though I was fed up. Therapy was only making me feel more crazy bacause NOTHING was getting resolved and every single week I found another reason to be vulnerable and hurt. I stopped taking my medications at the first of the year. I could not even think most days because my head was so foggy. We worked on our marriage but it fell apart. My kids were having trouble in school. Everyone I knew was worried about me. I thought I had lost all my friends. I was isolated (because it was easier than being exposed). My husband was trying to make things work I know he really was. But nothing was working. My depression was the deepest darkest pit I have ever known. Nothing compared to the despair I felt within my very soul. I wondered how could life have changed so drastically. Then one day the Holy Spirit must have impressed it on my heart to pick up Beth Moore's book. I was all prepared with my arguments. Her studies take too much time. I am not in a place with God where I can just start reading a christian book and BAM my life will get better. I am good at making excuses when I want to be. In the end I decided what could it hurt. I have nothing to lose. Divorce is emminent. The kids are never going to walk up to me and say today Mom it's all yours do with it what you want. I don't play the lottery so I am sure no one will show up with all the money I need to be at peace. Now is as good a time as any I guess. So I picked the book up. I determined that if I did not read past the first few pages (the ones I had read in the hospital) them I would never finish it so I set a goal to read the first chapter. Timing is everything I guess. This time (maybe it was my willingess to try anything) I could not put the book down. I felt like it was written for me! Suddenly right there in front of me stood the answers. She explained how even if you don't have faith right now God can restore your faith. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. When I read that I thought yes, but I don't read my bible anymore. God's hand was definatly on Beth Morroe when she wrote that book because every excuse I could think of was dispelled within the pages of her book. It took me record three days to read that book. Actually it's record that I finished the book. Remember all those shelves filled with other self help books? I have to admit none of them held the answers for me.
Today I am in the process of relearning how to have a relationship with God. I realized that I was looking to my husband to be my savior when I already had a savior. I realized that joy can only come from God. That he is the fountain I need to drink from. That my life can never find peace and order with out him. I find myself praying for those who have hurt me and that forgiveness is much better than anger.
I still struggle. I still fight the urge to stay under the covers all day. I still hurt in many ways. But now I have hope again! It is gloriously refreshing to find that God never left me! For the first time in my life my relationship with God is for me. That may not make sense to many people but all my life I when I have served God it has been because someone else expected it of me. Now finally I know that my relationship with God is about me and him. And I am so much more at peace with that than ever before.
So, on this day, my birthday, I will celebrate the life that God is restoring to me. I hope for a wonderful future!

Been back home for a week now.

2009-11-16T22:32:00.002-05:00

I took that jet plane down to Florida to a place I never expected to end up and found my self more traumatized than before I left. Now, that sounds bleak huh? Well that should be the beginning of a very interesting story. And it is.
On the evening of October the 22nd I boarded for, what I thought was a hospital for women who suffer from PTSD and Depression/anxiety disorders. So I arrive around 10pm that Friday night. During the check in process I see two older ladies who were obviously patients. One was very welcoming and friendly the other not so much. After check in which basically insisted of me getting a picture taken and vital signs taken. The started to take me to an exam room when I spot a male who also was definitely a patient and also really friendly. So, lie #1 not an all women's hospital. I started to feel a little anxious and jumpy. We go into this exam room where I produce the bottles of my prescribed medicine. I brought it all along so I would not forget what I was taking, dosage etc... The nurse asked me a lot of questions that I can not clearly recall. Then the search and seizure of my belongings began. I was somewhat distracted by the nurse asking me questions. Basically after this process I was allowed to keep my personal hygiene items and clothing. But according to dress coat I had no appropriate shirts other than two long sleeve shirts and one t shirt. The rest were tanks and those were prohibited. Did I mention this was Florida? It took me two days to figure out that the staff at this drug and alcohol rehab center had gotten me in on a benzo addiction. Remember my prescriptions? Well one was for Zanax it is my anxiety medicine. The nurse counted the pills. They were exactly right for a three day old Rx.

This is the first installment of the Chronicles of a rehab dropout.....
I am just too sleepy to keep typing tonite.

2009-10-23T16:31:00.001-04:00

Don't panic if I am missing in action for a while. I'm leaving on a jet plane....lol well that part is true. I am gonna go to a place that promises to help me learn to cope. Will be without internet or phone for a few weeks. Hopefully all this sacrifice will mean that when I get back home I will be whole and well. If you think of me pray for me.

Until next time....

Putting things into motion

2009-10-21T08:37:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a good day over all. I took the two babies to spend the day with their GMom while the older two were in school. I love my Tuesdays. Lately however it seems like there are not enough hours in any day, let alone a Tuesday. It seemed like as soon as I was kid free, I was right back to get them. Now the reality was that they stayed there for four or more hours. But whose counting. So, not as much got done around the house as I had hoped. But I am cutting myself some slack in that area. Actually I am trying to cut myself some slack in a few areas.
So, I went to therapy yesterday. I feel a lot better having went. I was honest with her (my therapist) about how I have been feeling about our sessions and the fact that I do not always agree with the things she tells me. We did an "exercises" to help me figure out what she is really telling me. I found that sometimes when people tell me things I do not here what they are actually saying to me. Instead I distort things and turn them into personal attacks. I wonder how long I have been like that. This therapy thing is forcing me to do a lot of self examination. I have always been a person who over analyzes everything and worries about everything. I am figuring out why I do that. It seems impossible to me that I would be able to function during all of this heart ache. It seems impossible to me that I am still breathing in and out and living each moment knowing that my husband is not here anymore. Yet, here I am DOING just that! Amazing.
I am reading a book that I have own for 10+ years, finally. It is called Love is a choice. It is about dealing with codependency. I have fought myself and anyone who dared to call me co dependant for years and years now. I find the term so degrading and demoralizing. And yet reading this book now, well it just seems as if it was written to me. I am so truly blessed to find a way to learn to get past my hurts. I am looking to God and those who love me to help me become a truly healthy person. This is not an easy road. This is not a happy road. But this is the road I am on and until I can find an alternative route this is it for me.
Letting go of someone you truly deeply love is not easy. Sometimes I feel as if the world will just come to a complete stop. But I breathe in and out every day and just KNOW it will all work out the way it is supposed to. I bought Chuck a really awesome Bible several years ago. It's a life application version. So, since he is not using it and my Bible has been lost for some time now. I am going to start reading his. And I am going to start reminding myself of God's truths for me.
I am stepping out in blind faith here and hoping for great things to happen.
So today I am focusing on reading my book and reading the Psalms.

Until next time, pray for me and my children and yes even my husband...

This is me making a decision to be all that I can be...

2009-10-19T08:48:00.005-04:00

Wow oh wow oh wow!! That is a lot of wows right? So I am deciding not to talk in cryptic ways on here anymore. I guess the decision to make the blog private is still a good one. Now I know who is reading so I know what I can say. This is a disclaimer though: I want people to understand that this blog is my personal place to vent, cry, scream, ponder, get advice, or just shout out. It will be what ever I need it to be. I will not mince my words, because whatever I say here is the truth. Things in this blog of course are the things that come from my perspective and my reality. So if you don't like what you are reading or you think maybe it is inappropriate then feel free to STOP READING!!

OK now that that is said I am going to be posting some stuff that I am thinking today.

Yesterday was another one of those days where I felt like I could cry all day. All I wanted was to be able to reach out and connect with Chuck. And since we are trying hard (or have been trying hard) to be there for each other and see where all this is going to lead us, I called him. My reasons for calling him were very simple, I wanted reassurance that we were going to work toward a reconciliation. I know it was a dumb thing to hope for, but I did. He and I talked for a very long time. We were having this really great (so I thought) conversation about what the problems in our marriage are and whether we could both see a possibility of reconciling. So as the conversation progressed I felt brave enough to bring up the topic of his girlfriend. I use the term girlfriend loosely since this girl lives in Germany and he does not see her. He does however have many conversations with her and has let her into a part of his life that should be reserved only for his wife. It occurs to me that I am married to a man who wants his cake and eat it too. He tells me just enough to give me hope and yet he refuses to give up the relationship he has with her. Then he accuses me of misunderstanding a 2 hour conversation we had just engaged in. At this point my answer to that is: Get your head out of your ass and listen to what you are saying. I am not the confused one you are!! I mean seriously what do you expect from me? Do you expect to call me and act as if I am still your wife when you are bringing your girlfriend to the US for a visit!! Yep I said it! He is bringing her here in November for a visit. That would be the big purchase he was planning! I got yelled at over a phone that I needed because it puts a hamper on him flying her over here! Well maybe I put a stop to that nonsense when I called her last week. Yes, I know I do not need to hear from anyone else that calling her was lifetime movie crazy! But whatever I needed to do that. But I digress, so, even after finding out that he was planning this little secret trip, I still (maybe even more so) felt desperate to make him see that this would be the end for us!! Evidently he wants it to be the end. Maybe the end with an openness that he could go carrying on this affair and then later on down the road find his way back to me. WTF!! Is he serious!??!? I mean come on how low does he really think my self esteem is? Does he really think I could take him back after all this? Does he think that I will work with him? I mean yes we have 4 kids together. He actually thinks that if I am stuck here doing the hard work (while he is off having another relationship) that I will be able to be friendly to him. I told him last night that I respect the choice and am glad he was clear in his choice. But that if he thinks this will make things easier for me he is wrong. Because with every chore I do, every sock I wash, every meal I make, every thought I have I HATE HIM!! I know hate is wrong. But I really really hate him! I hate him for thinking he could get away with this. I periodically think through out the day that he is the most selfish person I have ever met. So many people are telling me that I need to let him go. So I am but for whatever reason, the only way I can do that is to let myself hate him. By letting myself hate him I can see how bad he really is for me! Instead of holding on to what I have loved about him, I have to focus on what he has done (in the most terrible ways) to hurt me. It is not just this stupid girl he is talking to. It is so much more than all that. It is the fact that I have stood by him and been his greatest defender and best advocate and best friend for 8 years and now this?!?!? He has a lot of nerve. I think that he is stupid to think that being in ANY relationship will work for him before he gets help. He has serious anger issues and serious self control issues. But he is not my responsibility anymore.
One reason I am venting all this out in this way is so that I can come back to this spot and see what I have determined in my heart. I am an easily confused person. I am easily hurt. But I am not stupid (even if some people would have me believe that I am)! I am not going to do any of this on his terms! I have to take my life back and forget about him! I tried as hard (maybe harder) as one person can! So as of last night I am shutting him out of my heart and out of my life. If he wants a relationship with his kids he will have to be the one to accomplish that. I am not going to compensate for him. I am not going to make up for him not being here. I can only be one person.

My Zach and I had a very long heart to heart last night. I think that he is so broken hearted because he wants his Mom and Dad to be together and he feels like his dad has been gone "half his life". So we talked about a lot of things. I tried to reassure him that none of this could ever be his fault. He said "I know Mom. I just wish Daddy would not be mean to you all the time." He also reminded me that Daddy broke him promise that he would never hurt Mommy again. Instead of trying to convince my son (as I usually would) that no Daddy doe snot hurt me, I let him explain what he meant by that statement. Wow! When you are able to listen to your children you will learn so much about the things they hear and see and even how their little brains get things really confused. So, I decided that honesty is the best policy. We have always tried to treat our children as if they are just little people with all the same feelings that we grown ups have. So I talked to him in a way a 7 year old could understand. I explained to him that even though it really is Daddy's job that took him to North Carolina, Daddy would not live at home with us in Delaware anymore anyway. I explained (the best I could) that Daddy will not be coming back to live with us anymore. Zach seemed to already know and understand it. He cried a lot but I think he needed to cry to get it all out. So I just held my son and let him know that no matter what happens both his Dad and I love him more than words can even say. I also let him know that I will always love his Dad but that we can not be together cause Daddy has done some things that hurt too much and make both of us too sad. I hope I am doing the right thing by talking to him about all this. I am keeping in mind that I can not let myself "depend" on my kids to make me feel better. I will not let them become my comfort. They are a comfort to me but if the roles ever become confused for them I would not be able to deal with the guilt of doing that kind of damage to them. I see a lot of my self in my son. When I was growing up I truly felt responsible for my Mother's happiness and so this is where the feeling guilty for not fixing people crap comes from. I never could help my mom. My son told me last night his biggest fear is that when I cry I will be sad FOREVER. Well, you know that one broke my heart. I promised him I will not be sad forever. So this is me CHOOSING to put on my big girl pants and stop worrying about Chuck and start worrying about me. I don't care anymore if Chuck wakes up on day and regrets this. I am not worried if he will only wake up once it is too late! His loss (and mine too) but I did not choose this and I did not cause this. No amount of bullshit will make me believe that this is my fault. Keeping your wedding vows just is not that hard to do. It is just that simple and I have to have a backbone when it comes to letting people hurt me. I have to stop just taking crap. Because the one thing I have learned is that if you let yourself be a doormat, then guess what that is how they will continue to use you. I am not a doormat I am the daughter of the King! I am a precious gift that God has made. I may feel broken but my creator can fix His creation better than anyone else could. It is time for me to let God do what he needs to and in the end I know that I am worth more than Chuck has made me feel. I am not worthless and I am not unlovable. I have people who would miss me if I was gone and they are not only my children. Finally today I am ready to do this for me. Not for anyone else but for me. Those who are in my life will benefit from having me back and I will benefit from having my God back.

So, until next, pray for me and if you feel like encouraging me that is cool too....

One long continuos conversation...

2009-10-18T09:24:00.004-04:00

It seems to me like all my post have lately just been one continuation of the same conversation. Why break the cycle now? It seems most of my is spent trying to figure things out lately. This week I am supposed to be working on letting go, validating my feelings, telling myself what I ever I "feel" is real but maybe not in my control. All that sounds great. It is not though. I feel like I am riding an extended roller coaster and wishing for the ride to stop. Just when I think things will calm down emotionally I am hit again by something unexpected. It is all the little things. I spent an entire day this week freaking out and wanting to get a Uhaul to get the heck out of here. That was on Thurday. Wednesday night I had a complete melt down. A couple of folks actually said I was the craziest girl they know. My best friend actually told me she was surprised by the something I did and compared it too a lifetime movie...UGH!! This is what my life has boiled down to a lifetime movie. And worse a movie that no one knows how it is going to end! How do I get past the love I feel for Chuck and let him go? He told me on Wednesday that I have to let him go. I get confused though cause he still wants me to be there for in him in a lot of ways. It is so hard to break habits that we have had for years. Just like it is so hard for us not to argue. How can a relationship be so right in some ways but WAY too wrong in others? People keep telling me that my experiences are not unique. This does not make me feel any better, it actually makes me more sad. Sad because there are other folks out there hurting this bad. I have definitely not had enough sleep. Last night the kids were all spending the night out. It is a nice break to have some me time. But it kind of makes me feel like a loser. Because all I ever do when I get a time out is to play board games with a bunch of guys I know. Where some might think that me hanging out with a bunch of guys would be the perfect distraction, let me assure it is not! There is no one flirting with me. There is no one making me feel sexy or cute or even all that happy with myself. I know all that should come from inside of me, but come on how many of us just naturally feel good about ourselves? Raise your hand if you do not need outside affirmation. I am so used to all of that coming from Chuck . I miss being told how pretty, sexy, hot, lovable etc... I am. I could always go out and try to hook up with someone new, but that is not even close to likely to happen for me. It's not that I can't go out and accomplish that mission. It is that I know it would destroy me emotionally. I still feel married. I guess because I am still married. I know a lot of people in this world can just jump out of on relationship into another and never blink an eye. Or at least not let anyone know they blinked an eye. I am not one of those people though. I need to feel loved and adored before I can give it up. So, if you can not tell I am frustrated. I am sad. I am lonesome. There is nothing I can do to make him come back to me. Even if I feel like I have loved him like no one else. Even if I have felt like he has loved me like no one else. How do you let your soul mate go? If I have known in my heart for 8 years 5 months and 3 days that this was the ONLY man I ever wanted. Could ever need. Seen myself growing old with. I want to assume that people know what I mean. I do not think I was ever in love before Chuck because I know for sure I never had a broken heart before him. A broken heart is the most terrible thing I have ever felt. And I have been through some major crap in my life! So, I am pretty sure I have a good scale to judge pain against. Most days I feel like I am never going to be OK again. I feel like I am walking around with a piece of me missing. It is not that we don't talk everyday. We talk about the kids. We talk about our bills. We talk about our plans. But we can not talk about us. Not without me crying, or screaming, or wanting to hide myself away. I feel like the biggest failure ever! I know that irrational. Many people have failed at much more important things. But I have failed at the most important thing in my life. I know some might think I have my priorities screwed up since I am a Mom and my kids should be my important thing. And yes they are important to me. More than I can express in words. But my marriage was always something I viewed as extending further than my children. My marriage has always been more important to me than anything. Because I felt like together he and I could do anything. Alone I am pretty useless. Alone I am weak and crumble. Alone I can not motivate myself to be my best. I have always felt like he motivated me to be my best person and I tried to do the same for him. If fighting is the only problem we have (and I am in no way minimizing that) then how come we can fix that? How come we can not find it in ourselves to find a way ANY way? I could do that. I know I would do that. So, letting go is what needs to happen if the other person is unwilling to work on it? How do you let go of something you feel like you have spent forever working to keep safe and protected?
Today seems like it will be a crappy day cause now I started it on the wrong foot. I should not have had my first interaction with him this morning. Now I will spend the day feeling the intense separation and loss that I have spent the whole weekend running away from.
On another note. I am going to talk to my therapist this week about PTSD. If I do not start getting some real advice, help (with results) I may have to look for it in a different place. After almost a year of therapy I would expect better results than I am getting. I need to get past some of this PTSD stuff. I think maybe it is PTSD that makes things so much harder for me. I will have to post more about that sometime.

Until next time...

2009-10-15T06:42:00.002-04:00

I am up way too early after a fitful night. This time I can not blame the kids for my lack of rest though some how I did end up with two in my bed. It is very difficult to try to sleep when you have a 3 year old and a 7 year old taking up almost every inch of space in a queen size bed. But I digress. I am not up this early blogging about not fitting in my bed.

No, I wish it were that easy. I knew when I laid my head down last night that sleep would elude me. I knew that nightmares were waiting for my eyes to close. There is nothing worse than lying down at night knowing rest will not come.

I have laid there for a couple of hours now wondering what I would write today. Because I know I need to write. I have 45 minutes to figure it before I have to wake the kids and get them ready for school. I have a long day ahead. Parent teacher conferences this afternoon. Oh how I hate knowing I have to leave my house. My eyes are almost swollen shut after so many tears were shed last night.

I am supposed to work on validating my own feelings this week. I am supposed to remind myself that it is OK to feel the things that I do. I am supposed to stop beating myself up for not being perfect. Ah! If only it were that easy.

So, I will back up for a second and say this. Last night when Chuck called to say goodnight to the kids. It was so obvious that we were having problems with my phone. It took a few times before it would connect. By the time we got him on the phone he was irritated. I understand (sort of). I know he is not a patient person. I know that things not working right frustrate him (more than it might others). He finally got to talk to each of the kids. Which was really important last night. Zach and Matthew are really taking this "Daddy being gone to North Carolina" thing hard, especially yesterday. All my kids are starting to feel really sad that Daddy had to leave again. We both tell them that Daddy has gone because there are no jobs in Delaware and he has to have a job so we can eat and live. But to a kid I am sure that none of that makes sense. I know that all my kids want is for Daddy to be home. Zach cried last night because he feels like "Daddy has been gone all his life" I tried to explain that Daddy has only really been gone a lot this past year. But to a 7 year old a year is a lifetime. So, I try not to cry in front of them. I try to assure them everything will be OK, soon. But I know that may not be the truth. So, after he talked to the kids we talked. He is really mad at me for having to get a new phone. I felt really bad, thinking maybe it was a bad decision. We argued about money (of course) and things got heated (of course). I have just come to expect that I can not talk to him. Chuck likes to talk at me. I don't feel like he listens to me or cares about what I have to say. He then in turn tells me that I need to stop doing things with my feelings. BUT I am an emotional person! I was when he met me. I was when we fell in love. I have not changed being emotional. I can not change that. I am trying very very hard to let my logical mind learn to be more in control. But this is fighting against nature for me. He told me last night that he knows I would say anything (and mean it) to get him to come back to me. But the reality is that we can not be together. I understand some of his reasons. I really do. I just keep hoping that some where along the way we will learn to communicate effectively with each other. It just is never going to happen if every time we talk he gets mad.
I am really really mad at him right now. I have felt so bad about getting a new phone. And he revealed a financial issue to me last night! I am so hurt that he thinks it is OK for him to spend money on something that is #1 not wise when we are so far behind on our bills (due to 3 months looking for work that is not really his fault) #2 a mean and hurtful thing to do. #3 something he would have to lie to me about. I never ever spend money on big things with out his permission. He does not think he needs permission to spend big because he makes the money and in his eyes we are not married anymore. WHAT!?!??! But yet, he can be frustrated and angry with me for getting a new phone.
I said some really nasty things and threatened him with even nastier things after he told me about this purchase he plans to make.
I did not talk to him again last night, which is tearing me up, but instead I called Germany. I had an hour long conversation with his "friend". At first I called out of anger. But as we talked I realized a few things and it is really weird to say that she did help me to understand somethings. I felt really bad for waking her. It was around 4:30am over there when I called. No matter what Chuck thinks about me calling her I am glad I did. My therapist may think it was unhealthy and irrational but I don't care. I know in my heart a couple of things. #1 I will not lay down my marriage with out a fight! #2 I needed to hear from this woman what this relationship is for her. #3 I need to do this for me. I can not stop the crazy feelings of abandonment, fear, confusion, and deep deep hurt, if I do not confront things head on.
I am angry! I am telling myself that it is OK to be angry. It is normal to be angry. I have tried to handle things in a friendly way until now. I would like to continue to handle things in a friendly way. But I can not do that alone. I can not be expected to just take the handfuls of bullshit and say thank you too!
I don't know anyone else who has gone through something like this. I do not know who to turn to. I wish I had someone/ anyone who could help me know what to do. More than that I wish I knew some way to stop my heart from breaking to pieces every time I hear his voice. I wish oh how I wish things were different. I wish I could just let him go. Maybe in time. But I fear if I hold on any longer it will only push him father away.

He will be angry that I am blogging this. Maybe I should just send it as an email, nah he won't read it. So that is it in a nutshell. I blog because it is the only way I feel heard. Even if no one responds I feel heard and uninterrupted.

I am so sad. I am not sure how long a person can survive being this sad. I could blame it all on him. After all he got me pregnant 4 times. He has a violent temper. He scares me. He is unfaithful. And the list can go on and on and on...but he is right that he does not make me sad. I am just sad. I fear I will never get my life back. I fear that this might beat me. I know I know people say I am a strong woman, but I am not! I am scared and alone two things that this "strong woman" cannot handle at all. Then you add the responsibility of raising four kids to that...well it is a wonder I get up in the morning at all.

Well, my time is up gotta get the day started. I would ask for prayers but not sure what if anything God can do to help me or even would do to help the likes of me.

Until next time...

A new day dawns...

2009-10-12T09:12:00.003-04:00

We had a fun and exciting weekend! The kids did not have school on Friday so I took Emily over to G'Mom's house to spend the day and Zach, Matt, Jenna, Zach's friend and I all went to the park for several hours. It was a blast! Then I headed over to Mark's for some dinner and gaming. It was fun and I only had my two littlest ones and their cousin to watch so it was a great break. Then on Saturday evening all my kids went over to Chuck's cousin's house and spent the night. I had planned to go out and hear some local bands with Mark and Charlie but (surprise surprise) we decided to stay in and learn a new game. I am beginning to think my secret geek is coming out of the closet :) I so enjoy playing board games (OK really any games). We are always trying out games I have never heard of but they are usually pretty fun. We tried a game called Calyus on Saturday. Right now my favorite game is called Puerto Rico. I tend to be the one who finds a game and then only wants to play that game until it gets old. Good thing for me we have a pretty good group of folks who like to play as much as I do.

Anyway, I am still fighting off sadness through out my days and nights. I am still confused and wondering where this road I am on is going to lead. But I am trying really hard to keep myself distracted enough so that it all does not bother me too much. It is hard for me when I talk to Chuck these days cause I just don't know what to say to him any more. I know it is me. I know that if I wanted to talk he would probably listen but I keep thinking to myself what can he really say that will make me feel better. So, I keep it casual. Even though he is still the one I want to call as soon as something happens (good or bad). He is the last person I want to talk to before going to sleep and the first person I wish I could talk to when I wake up. I wish it were the same for him. Maybe it is. I don't really know what he is thinking or feeling these days. I don't really ask. I am trying so hard to make things as easy on all of us as possible. I am worried all the time about what I should or should not do and say. I want to give him his space yet I also want to be in his space. Pretty messed up I know. Blogging helps and so does talking to my best friend. Since he left a week ago my life has felt pretty isolated. I go over to Mark's, GMom's on Tuesdays and other than that I hardly talk to anyone (unless it is on Facebook). I feel like I am more alone that I have been in a long time. I am sure I could pick up the phone or go visit someone, but I don't really feel like it. I hate when people who know what is going on want to try to talk to me and make me feel better. It does not help. Sounds bad but I don't want anyone to tell me it is going to be OK. I don't really want most of the "crazy" advice people want to give me. And there are just certain people I can not tolerate who think that just because he is gone they should waltz back into my life, like I want that! Why do some people think that they can come to me and give me advice or say things like "You know I am here for you" when they are NEVER there for anyone but themselves! No, thanks I can handle it better with out your help. At least there will be less drama that way!
It is hard taking care of our kids by myself. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be any easier. I also wonder a lot about how long will I have to do this? Will it really be until they are all raised? I mean I do not believe that I can live with that. I have at least 16 more years to have kids in my house being taken care of by me. I am also realistic enough to know they don't actually leave at 18 years old so... I may have longer. Am I supposed to spend at least the next 16 years being the primary full time parent of four kids? Yes, I know the answer to that question is YES. But it is so scary! I mean if things never work out between Chuck and I how will I ever do this? I did not have all these kids to be raising them alone. In fact if you really want to know the truth this is one of my BIGGEST fears coming true. I never wanted to have any child and be on my own. Now, by on my own I mean: Me being the parent who is at home with them. I do not mean financially supporting them all by myself. I know that he will always support his kids. I know that he will not leave us stranded like that. But raising kids takes more than that. In fact sometimes I feel like earning the pay check has to be way easier than being at home with them. I choose to be at home, so don't think I am complaining, it is probably just a "the grass is greener" kind of thing. I don't know.
I want to go back to school for nursing. It seems as if this is an insurmountable task. Especially now that I am alone. I have no idea how all of this will work and I am so overwhelmed at the thought of it that I can hardly breathe.
I am trying to teach myself to dream again BUT my practical side of my brain is revolting. I am so practical about somethings that since I can see so many obstacles in my way, I can not begin to imagine how my dreams can come true. One of the things I have always loved so much about being with Chuck is that he is a dreamer and I am not. SO where I can totally manage things in today he has this awesome power to look ahead. He is not so good at the today part. So we balanced each other out. He has always been able to set goals and reach them. I can not even get to the setting goals part. Funny huh? Chuck has a vision for the future and I have a vision for the present it always seems to work out so well. Now who is going to help me see beyond today? A friend of his told me once that we were like a Yin and Yang. Total opposites that balance each other out. So, how did it all go so wrong? How do I stop hoping that I will still spend my life being in balance with him? How? How? How? See these are the things that are in my brain. This is the reason I can not talk to him about things that are more than casual. If I try to talk about these things then I am sure he will feel like I am holding on too tight. I want him to feel free so that he can sort through his own feelings and the decisions he has to make to be his best person. How do you love someone this much and have to be forced to let them go. I hate that saying "If you love something set it free" I hate hate hate that! But I do love him so, I must set him free. BUT HOW? I am doing the best that I can. People say I am doing better than most...doesn't really seem that way too me but I am trying.
Today is new day. My goal is to quit smoking. This is my first goal, on my own. I have been smoker for going on 10 years now and I hate it. So, since I know I quit each time I was pregnant, I can do this. I am worried about being grumpy. I hate being grumpy cause the kids do not need a grumpy Mommy right now. BUT if I can just get through the first part of this I will be healthier and happier. So I am doing it! Prayers would be helpful, thank you!

Until next time...

Never meant to hurt anyone...

2009-10-08T09:36:00.003-04:00

Ah...I have had this blog for a couple of years now. It has served as MY place to say whatever I need to in order to sort my thoughts, share my world and just vent. I never imagined that it would hurt anyone. I never intended to offend. I have simply needed an outlet. I have felt that I could write the things that I can not say out loud. Is this wrong? Is it too much personal information to share with the world at large? I have no true idea who might come across these pages and read them. I have thought to myself that if some unknown person stumbled across this blog and they found a kindred spirit or encouragement during their own times of need, then maybe it is a good thing. I have always been a what you see is what you get kind of person. I like being open and honest with my thoughts. I like having other people know me and sometimes encourage me to keep on keeping on.
So, those of you who read this may be wondering "what is she talking about now?" I made a post here the other night when I had insomnia and needed to get all my thoughts out of my head. I posted a link to my facebook account because I have many wonderful friends who have known me a long time and are very encouraging to me. I wanted people who care about me to know what I was truly going through right now. I never thought about the content hurting someone. I am not even sure why it would. But my blog was read by someone who was in turn hurt by the things I wrote. And now I feel really bad about that. I went back and reread the post and I still don't understand why it hurt. I don't understand how I could be accused of slamming my husband. I was simply venting my feelings in what I thought was a safe place.
So, I have decided to make this blog a little more private. The last thing I want to do is hurt the ones I love. I still, however, need this outlet. I still need a place to write things down and get other's opinions etc... so if you are a follower of my blog or if you want to be a follower of my blog and you know me, then please send me a message and I will include you in the list of people who will be able to continue to read. If not that is OK. I will still write. I will still vent. I will still remain true to my needs. I will however try not to be hurtful in my own healing process.
OK, now that that is out of the way, I do have a few thoughts today, beyond the above mentioned stuff.
I am not as sad today as I have been. That is a good thing. I am coming to the conclusion that all of this turmoil in my life might be for a good reason. What if this is all God's way of drawing me back into a truly closer walk with Him? To be honest it has been really hard to pray or even seek out God in any way, for a long time now. Maybe that is what I really need to do. Lord knows I have the time now. BUT (and this is a big but) I am afraid. I am afraid to seek out God because, by history, every time I seek a closer walk with God the enemy tries to destroy me. I know I am not alone in this. I know that I am not uniquely attacked. I know that the enemy wants to destroy faith in all of God's children. But I am worn down to the bone. I am tired of fighting those spiritual battles. I have said before that I identify the closest with David from the Bible. David was a sinner. David made huge mistakes in his lifetime. Yet, the Bible describes David as a man after God's own heart. I understand that. I can identify with that. I am starving to death (in a spiritual sense. I have not fellowship with folks who believe like me in 3 years. I feel like I am living in the dessert. Wandering like the Israelites. I hope I do not wander for 40 years. I pray that I can find that hidden path and walk boldly through these trials in my life, with a sound assurance that God has my back. Because at this point I think God could be the only one who has my back. I pray that God will heal my marriage. I pray that God will lead me to the road he wants me to travel. I pray that I will have a heart that recognizes the still small voice that will guide me. I am not worthy but I am truly willing to follow. I want to find peace again. I want to feel loved and if God is the only one who can give that to me, then I will not fight against that.
God give me the strength and wisdom to know where I need to go.

2009-10-06T22:17:00.003-04:00

I thought I would be asleep by now...guess not though. Sleep seems to be just beyond my reach tonite. I started to drift off a little while ago while reading so I turned out the lights and was instantly and totally awake with my thoughts. I went to therapy today. Well let me back up first and say that the past couple of days have been a bitter sweet mix if blessings and sadness. Chuck left for North Carolina on Sunday afternoon. I knew it was coming up and yet I was completely blindsided by the overwhelming emotions I experienced during the last 24 hours he was here. I guess I had been holding on to my feelings hoping he would be gone before anything significant hit me. It did not turn out the way I had hoped. I was a blubbering fool. I cried and cried and cried some more. I cried till 3am on Saturday/ Sunday. Then when we woke up Sunday I could not stop the tears again. Saturday night I finally admitted to myself (and to Chuck) that he had broken my heart. I am not sure I have ever truly had a broken heart before. I have never felt pain like this. I have never been more confused by someone else's actions and words before. I love my husband with all that is in my soul and yet some how have been able for the past few weeks to tell myself that I could move on and just be his friend now. That is not even possible for me to imagine right now. So, I went to therapy today...I sometimes hate going there. But at the same I know I need the help. So, my therapist tells me I can not work on my marriage right now. I need to make working on my marriage an off limits subject for me. She says it is because he is not working on himself. She agreed with my thoughts that this other woman he talks to is just a distraction and an infatuation. I want to contact this woman and tell her to leave my man alone but the therapist says that will mot accomplish what I want it too. She says that would be like me blaming the other woman. Well I do blame her. What kind of person gets involved with a married man and tries to be his new found "best" friend. I am supposed to be his best friend. He keeps telling me things like I love you. I will never stop loving you. I will always be here to support you and take care of your needs and the children's needs. All I here anymore is blah blah blah blah... I am so worn down. I am so sad. I am so tired of being left behind! I know I have abandonment issues. Gosh do I know that! But come on I am being abandoned. He went to NC for a job. Yes, that is noble for him to find work. Yes, I am thankful he was finally able to find work. But why would he leave. He says he knows he has anger issues. He can not live in the same house as me because he is afraid that he will not be able to stop his rage. I know there is a lot of pent up anger in him. I know he has worked hard for our family. But I have too. He tells me he misses the sweet girl he fell in love with. I told him that she is gone. You can not return innocence to someone. You can not unhurt the ones you have hurt. I have this crazy mess of unresolved feelings that plague me every minute of the day. The situation is making me crazy! Yet, here I am again, all alone in this house with four of the most amazing children. Who need so much from me and from him. I keep praying that he will find his way. He needs to get some help for his sake, my sake and our children's sake. I love this man so much. I know that our relationship is unhealthy. I just can not for the life of me figure out why I am not supposed to work on my marriage anymore! It seems to me that now is the time I should fight the hardest! Now is the time I should work with out rest. How come people think that marriage is so disposable? I do not understand. One thing that really hurts me is the fact that he broke a promise to me. He vowed to love me until the day we die and he promised to forsake all others! So why then can I not turn my back on him. He broke the promises not me. He is the one who wants a divorce. I just want my family back together and I want my husband back. The one who really loved me. The one who promised me the world.
So I have choices to make. Do I contact the other woman? Do I listen to the therapist and stop working on my marriage? I truly do not know what to do. I hate this! I really really hate this!

Until next time...

Everything changes...

2009-09-19T11:24:00.002-04:00

Things are always changing. I have so much to think about these days that sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away. I never seen myself going through these kind of changes again. But this is where we are and nothing short of a miracle will change it. I guess I could back up and let all of you know that last Monday night my husband decided to "come clean" with me about the emotional affair he had while he was in Germany. He has adamantly refused to give up contact with the woman that he met there and so now there is no choice but for us to divorce. I know I am a weak person because I have it in my head that if he were just willing to work on our marriage (by going to therapy and giving up this other relationship) I would stay and work it out. Bad thing is he does not want to work it out. I am trying to handle all of this with grace, and honor. It is not easy!! Sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes I just want to run to him and hold him close and remind him how much I have loved him. I feel like I am breaking into a million pieces all the time. I have some goals but do not know how I will accomplish them and be a single mom to 4 kids. I am scared. I am confused and I am SO tired of crying. How is it that so many people can tell me I deserve better than this, yet, I can not convince myself that better is out there. I do not want to start over with anyone else. I can not see myself falling in love again. That makes me lonely. I can not remember ever feeling this lonely before. I want to go home to TN. Where I have friends and family who will love me and help me through all of this. The craziest thing of all is that since we decided to split up Chuck has been a friend to me. That is all I wanted while we were married. I wanted us to get along and be friends again and I guess for him it took giving up on our marriage to get there. It creeps me out how nice and supportive he is being. He is still staying here (until he gets a job) on the couch and that is harder than I though it would be. I know that in couple weeks when he physically leaves I am going to lose it all! I can not help that. I am glad I know it is coming. But at the same time I am freaking out inside about it. I hate being alone. I hate feeling the way I do right now. I feel like he gave up on us too easily and now I have a hard time believing in him to make good on his promises to take care of me and the kids. We have this plan that he will pay our bills and help me get through nursing school. I want to believe in that but I am afraid to give myself completely over to that hope. I am so tired of my dreams being destroyed by people who are supposed to love me. I am so afraid that it will never change for me. What if I never find someone who will love me for me? I do not want to be alone. Is it wrong to hope that when he is gone he will regret things and want to come back to our family? Is it wrong to hope beyond hope that reconciliation could happen someday. I have always felt like he was my soul mate and now I am lost with out him. What am I going to do???
I am so alone and lost I just wish someone could show me the way.

Until next time...

2009-09-13T15:03:00.003-04:00

I have had a busy and exciting weekend. Yesterday we went to my little niece's 5th birthday party. It was a blast. There were around 20 little kids all inside the house because it was raining buckets. The rain lasted just long enough for all the guests to go home. My kids an I stayed longer so we could enjoy some game time. We played Rockband on the Wii. It was hysterical. And then let the kids run wild while we played grown up board games. It was an awesome day. Chuck was home and I think he really enjoyed a day off. We did not make it home until around 10 o'clock and so I got the kids ready for bed. Since their little cousin was spending the night we had a huge pillow fight in the living room, Daddy even enjoyed the fun. We played for a little while, I was hoping to exhaust them so they might sleep late this morning. The plan did not work though. They were so excited to be having a sleepover that the girls woke up early to play. After bed time last night, Chuck surprised me by dancing with me in the living room. We have not done that in years. Twice last night he pulled me into a dance as the Eagles played on the ipod. It was totally unexpected to say the least. After our conversation on Friday, I get the feeling he is having second thoughts about splitting up. I let him come home (to sleep on the couch) on Friday night. Some how by Saturday morning I woke to find him snuggled next to me in bed. And again this morning I found him and Jenna snuggled in my bed with me. I am cautious about letting us slip back into a familiar routine. I think he is as well. There are so many things to work out. But it does give me hope and peace to see him making little efforts to be kind and even romantic. I am worried about our situation all the time. Not knowing what direction we will be going in the future is hard for me. But I am trying to focus mainly on the here and now. All I have is today. So I am trying spend it wisely. I am so thankful for the prayers of my friends. I can see the hand of God working. I am not trying to be ultra spiritual about all of this. I can just tell that the peace I feel is not of this world so it must be a gift from God. My goal is to just stay out of the way and let God do what ever it is He has planned.
So, today I know that not all hope is lost and that there is a spark of faith there that may be blown into a full flame if given the right conditions.
Until next time...

at the end of the day...

2009-09-09T21:07:00.002-04:00

Blogging may become my renewed outlet. I go in phases you know. Sometimes I really need to be able to just put things out here and get them off my chest.

Like I said earlier, today has been strange. Chuck has been ultra helpful. Weird considering we have decided to end our marriage. I think he is trying to prove to me that he will make good on his promises to take care of me and the kids. Emotionally I have not even let myself really feel anything yet. I think I am afraid. So, my reaction is to be detached. It worked out OK today. Not sure that game plan will work everyday. We have six months to figure out how all of this will work out before we can actually file for divorce. Then I have no idea how long it will take after that for everything to be final. Neither one of us wants to fight over anything anymore. So I guess that is a plus. I can't help but wonder if I will end up getting the crappy end of the stick when all this is said and done. But I try to tell myself not to think negative thoughts. I also (hate to admit that) I think maybe before it is officially over maybe we will come back together again. That is a LONG shot for sure. I am not sure that I really even want that. There have been so many hurts over the years and so many broken promises. I am sure I have let him down but I am not really clear on the how and whys.
Trust is a sensitive thing. My trust in him is so broken that I have a really hard time looking at him with out thinking to myself that he is probably lying to me. That was the thing that did it in the end for me. I can not stand people who lie. I told one big lie, one time and it cost me my life as I knew it. Since then my mantra has been to always tell the truth NO MATTER the consequences. I can tell you that this is not an easy thing. But I have been honest to a fault since that event (10 years ago). So, for me to find out I was living and sharing my life with some who lies so easily and hides things from me was devastating. I have spent the past couple of months trying to find a way to get past it and forgive him. It is really difficult to forgive someone who continues to be dishonest though. At some point one has to make a decision. I made my decision based on many factors. One being that I can not look at him the same anymore. Another is the fact that I never want to loose the respect of my children. I don't want him to loose the respect of our children either. That is one area where I can say he excels. He is an excellent Daddy. He really loves them and wants the best for them. He takes lots of time to explain things to them. He is gentle (mostly) with them. I never want to destroy him in their eyes, for their sake. It is really hard to manage all the different aspects of my feelings in the current set of circumstances.
So, today was harder because he wanted to help me so much. It makes me love him for that. Which is very confusing because aren't people going through a divorce supposed to hate or at least strongly dislike each other? I have a lot of questions. I am not sure they will ever be answered in a satisfactory way. I am not even sure how to ask most of them. How will I ever make it through this trial? I had several friends tell me today that God does not give us more than we can handle. I just want to laugh at that! I am not even sure God gave me this. It seems to me that Chuck and I have made a ROYAL mess of things, not God. I want to put the blame somewhere, but I don't think that any of this is God's fault. My faults are that I have let life overwhelm me to the point of depression. I let myself be trapped in feeling sorry for myself and complaining all the time about how this is not how it was all supposed to be. Who am I to know what was supposed to be?
Chuck told me a few days ago that he feels like he needs to be on his own so he can make the changes he needs. He feels like he needs to be responsible for himself. He actually said that not having me to take care of him and make excuses for him will make him a better man. I do not understand that at all. I thought a wife's job was to take care and coddle and shower love and affection on her mate. I guess we just have different views on what a marriage is. I also thought a marriage should be between just the two of us. But it seems he has found another to confide in. To await conversations with. Someone who fills a need that I have been cut off from even knowing about. I do not understand unfaithfulness. Even when it is just an emotional bond and nothing physical. I wish...well I don't even know what I wish. I guess I wish that life would just be a little easier, for a little while anyway.
So, I will continue my therapy. Wondering always if I will someday be the strong person that everyone tells me I already am. I do not feel strong. I feel weak and helpless and confused and scared and alone. I do not do alone very well. I pray that my strongest weakness does not become my biggest trial. I told Chuck that I would rather be alone because he is away working on the road than to be alone in the same house with the man I was supposed to spend my life with.
How do you stop loving the father of your children? How do you look at them everyday and see so much of him in them and it not rip your heart out? How do I pick up all the shattered pieces of my life and move on, when all I ever wanted was a happy healthy marriage? How do I ever trust anyone again with my heart?
OK I really must stop now before I fall to pieces!

Until next time~

2009-09-09T13:21:00.004-04:00

Today is the strangest day I have ever had. Really no exaggeration! Let me back up a minute so you will understand. For months now I have been going to weekly therapy. It has been extremely helpful to me. I have learned a lot of things and feel stronger in some ways than I ever have before. I was initially afraid to go because I do not like new things and I thought maybe my counselor would tell me to get out of my marriage. I do not believe in divorce. I know I have been divorced once before but I truly do not believe in divorce. I have felt trapped in an uncertain situation for quite a long time. If you know me well then you have probably (at some point) told me to get out while I still can. Well, yesterday I made the decision! I am getting out of this marriage. I can not allow myself to be hurt like this any longer. I have no desire (right now) to smear him or make him look bad in any way. The love I have had for him all these years is truly deep and everlasting. I have the four greatest gifts I could have ever asked for, my children.
So, what makes today so strange? It is the relative peace and ease with which we have decided to split. After 8 years of heated fights that have sometimes turned to violence and name calling and every form of humiliation and degradation, now at the end we are amicable. I have wondered often over the years if this is what it would take for him to respect me. I think that little voice in my head/heart was right.
I have decided that my happiness is worth pursuing. I deserve it. I need it and I want it.
So, even though I grieve what might have been, I am looking forward to new horizons and brighter days. At least if nothing else we will have peace in our home.
I do not know what I will do about a lot of things. My goal is to take it all one day at a time and see where the road leads me. I really want to go back to school and maybe now is as good a time as any.
Maybe it is shock or maybe just relief but I keep thinking to myself that this is all so weird. I am not having second thoughts but maybe a little grief is starting to creep in. SO, I will just keep myself as busy as I can.

Gotta go now before my tears make it impossible to type. If you are the praying sort then please remember me and my family in yours.

Until next time...

My little update

2009-09-05T11:36:00.000-04:00

After reading an old classmates blogs yesterday I have felt a strong desire to update my own blog...LOL. It has been a couple of months and I am sure some of you are wondering (if you have not forgotten about me already) what has been going on. So, I am sending out my little electronic update. :)

Last time I blogged I had just returned home from Germany. I was so full of hope for the future. I still am just not in the same way. Chuck came home at the end of June. The lay off came a little sooner than I had hoped. But there was much rejoicing at his homecoming and in the weeks that followed. Our marriage has taken on a new direction and the challenges (on most days) seem to be surmountable. We have learned to battle things out in a different and new way. The days of screaming, fighting and basically destroying each other are over. We have committed ourselves to a "walk away" when you are too mad to talk game plan, and it seems to be working. One thing that has been especially enlightening to me has been the idea that not every disagreement HAS to be solved right then and there. I am learning the art of setting aside my need for immediate closure. Letting something go (for now) and picking it up later when the two of us can be calm and rational is not my strong suit. BUT I am learning.
This summer has been filled with so many trials. Yet, through it all my focus has been to be thankful for what I do have. I am trying to be very positive even in the face of trouble. My most recent personal goal has been to find my true self. I know at 33 years old I should really already know who I am. But honestly I feel as id I have reinvented myself so many times in my life that I do not truly know who I am. This is a huge challenge to me because I feel as though I can not teach my children to value themselves if I am unsure of myself. Part of the reason I am on this quest has to do with my children and part of it has to do with several people who have made the comment to me that I am not the same person I used to be. This is true. Not all changes in me have been negative, but some have. I had an old friend tell me recently that I seemed to be a really sad girl (back in high school). I was surprised at his observation. I remember being mostly happy or seeming to be mostly happy in those days. But after looking back at myself in the mirror of my memory I can see that I have been sad in many ways through out my life. I think I used to hide it better but it was always there. Therapy for the past 11 months has helped a lot. If you had asked me a year ago if I thought therapy was useful I would have answered no. But I do believe that if you can find the right therapist for you, it definitely is a great tool to use. So, I go once a week and I pour my heart to my therapist and I feel better when I leave. It is nice.
Shame and sadness are two pitfalls I am trying desperately to avoid in my life. For the first time I realize that life really is too short. It seems cliche to say but it is so true. I am watching my babies grow so fast. It seems unreal that Chuck and I have been parents for seven years. Where did the time go?
I have two in school this year! Yay me! School started last week and it was one of the best weeks I have ever had. Not that I don't love my children with all my heart and soul, but I really love having just two at home during the day. All of my chores are easier and I get the added bonus of enjoying my toddler and preschooler more thoroughly.
Chuck's layoff has been longer than we anticipated but some how we are surviving. He will hopefully be back to work in a couple of weeks. He will probably have to travel again, but this time there will be no ocean between us.
So, as we head into the beauty of the fall season I am renewed and refreshed. I am empowered to believe that all things will work out for the good. I am encourage to know that each of us walks a difficult path yet, we can draw strength and encouragement from one another. Life is definitely worth the living especially when the lessons have been hard learned.

Until next time....

2009-04-21T13:05:00.003-04:00

I am home from my trip to Germany. For all intents and purposes I think it went really well. I got the much needed rest I was looking for. It was not a trip of sightseeing and various activities. It was trip for rest and reconnection. I feel like I accomplished a little of both. By no means is marriage completely repaired that will take much more time than one week. But it was so nice to see him. I realized several things while I was there. I realized that we are BOTH responsible for the mess that our relationship is in. For quite sometime now I have personally been blaming him for all of our troubles. It has been easier than one would think. I realized that I have not given him the respect he deserves for the things he does everyday for his family. I got to see exactly how difficult things are for him and all the other men who are there working for their families. I went thinking that I needed to remind him of the reasons he had for being there. Yet, some how I came home with a renewed respect and deeper love for the man who has given me the life that I so easily complain about. I have resolved with in my own heart to be a better wife. Less nagging, more encouraging. Less complaining, more appreciation. I learned a lesson in how not to fight. One thing that I have never been willing to take responsibility for is the fact that when we fight I do not give in. I have refused to walk away. I have always felt an overwhelming need to stand in his face and demand a resolution to the situation. I realize now that those actions don't get me the resolution I am looking for. All those actions get is an angry response to being back into a corner. The most important thing that I do not want to forget is that a fight does not HAVE to be resolved instantly. I can walk away or he can walk away and there will be time later to discuss more calmly what our differences are. I truly hope I am not too late. I hope I can practice these new ideas. I hope that it is not too late. I want more than anything to be able to move forward in our relationship. I hope I was not too foolish for too long. I hope that the changes that need to be made will have the chance to begin. I think they will. I trust that this man is worth the wait. What I found in Germany was my husband. He is broken down. He is living a very difficult situation. He is struggling just like me to get things right. I hope that beyond the distance we will be able to reach out to each other and walk this path together.
We need to dream together again. I feel a renewed sense of urgency to help him achieve his dreams. I want to be a wife that he is proud of. I want to have a life together that he is proud to have earned for us. I lack many skills when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I lack much in the way of self discipline. I lack in so many ways. I am determined to look at things in a more realistic way. I am determined to not allow my emotions to direct me. I have lived by emotions for so long that I know it will be a challenge to change my way of thinking. But I can do it. In Germany I found a renewed sense of power. I realized that so often I make him choose for us. Upon examination of this process I realized that so often I must do that so I will not have to take the blame when something goes wrong. That is not respect. My counselor told me a couple of weeks ago that "You get what you give. And that goes both ways" I am truly truly remorseful that for awhile now what I have given has not been loving nor kind. How could I have expected anything different in return? I pray with all that is in me that I am not too late to repair the damage. I hope that a change in my actions and attitudes can produce a long awaited change in our relationship. It is completely humbling to admit that I am just as much a problem in this relationship as he is maybe more so. I have failed in my job as a wife. But I pray that with this newly discovered information, I will be able to work hard to restore my relationship with the man that I love. I love him with all that is in me. I love him for everything he is, was and will become. He is the one person I can not imagine a life without him as my partner. I want to get to the point of forging a renewed partnership together. At the end of the road he is who I want standing beside me. It will take work. I am sure there will be times that I will stumble, maybe even fall. But in this life I need him. So I will resolve to love him through this time and all others to come.

I found that on this trip no matter what you have to take care of yourself, then your family. I am going to take care of myself, my husband and my children. If there is time left over for friends and extended family then great if not I hope they understand where and why my priorities are.

My crazy spontaneous trip across the world

2009-04-15T11:31:00.003-04:00

It has been so long since I posted anything on here. Since I have a lot of free time right now and quiet I thought why not post an update. So here is a little glimpse into my life.

The past two months have been such a roller coaster! I am still going to my therapy sessions every week and it has helped me so much but like anything it takes a lot of work. I am so blessed to have good people in my life to support me and help me through the dark days. Recently the dark days have been more than I would like. In therapy/ counseling I am faced with the challenges of self examination. I am so determined to beat the depression that has taken a hold in my life. I am learning so much about myself. I can not wait for the day to come when I have uncovered the true source of my pain and discontent. It seems to me that all this digging has to lead somewhere. All the while I am still taking care of my children and husband as best as I can. It has been so exhausting that this past weekend I did something I have NEVER done before. I book a spontanious flight to Germany to visit my husband. Many people in my life can not understand why I did it. To be honest I am shocked that I actually made it on the plane and came here to Germany! It seemed like an impossible thing to do. I am fighting back the guilt over asking my friends and family to take responsibility for my children. The guilt steals some of the joy I would like feel. I got a call an hour or so ago from my friend (who has the kids) letting me know that my oldest is behaving REALLY badly. My first response was that I made a mistake, I should have stayed home. Yet I know in my soul that I needed to come here to to fight for my marriage. It seems like an extreme thing to do. Many people I know do not understand why I would even fight for this relationship at all. Most people I know believe the answer is a divorce. It makes me really sad to think that divorce is the only answer people see now to fix a broken relationship. I am very aware that our relationship is in great jeopardy. I am fully aware that one week away with him will not solve all of our problems and that we may not make it through this at all. BUT I had to try. I could not live with myself if I did not at least try to reconnect and rekindle what we have. This year has been so very hard on us. Time and distance are not our friends. Living on two different continents in different time zones with different responsibilities makes it really hard for two people to remember what it is that they have and what is and is not worth fighting for. So I flew over here to remind him that his children and I are real. That our love is real. That our marriage is real. And that all these things are worth it to fight for. He is worth it to me, even if no one else sees that. I have to tell myself that this is my marriage! This is MY family and I have to take whatever steps I need to, to make sure I keep it. Chuck and I have spent so much time away from each other that we have lost sight of each others needs, desires, and dreams. I am glad I came to Germany. I think so far it is helping me to see how he lives. To connect with what goes on for him. To experience what is like to miss our children. I am one of those people who has a great empathy for others but sometimes I need to experience what they feel to know how to give support. He and I have spent the past year or so try to make each other "pay" for the hurts we have felt in our relationship. We have nearly destroyed our faith in each other. It has been a two way street in that regard. I can not blame him for all of our problems. I too have had a role to play. It is time for the games to stop and the relationship to grow again. I know one thing for sure when I do get back home I will have much more understanding for his situation. I am hoping that he will be able to have the same appreciation for mine. I also know that if this trip does not accomplish a reconciliation then I will survive the consequences. If I had not made this trip I would forever wonder what if... So here I am relaxing. I really really needed a break. I am finally getting it. And even though the children are not behaving as well as I would like I know my friend is a strong woman and our friendship is strong enough to let this happen. Another good friend told me to just go. Let whatever happens at home be there and to enjoy myself so I am trying. Today has been very surreal. I have jet lag really bad so I dosed in and out of sleep. I have read a lot. I took a long hot bath. I am enjoying the silence. I have not even turned on my ipod or tv. Silence is golden. For the few minutes I was on the phone I remembered why I needed my break. The kids were all being loud and my friend sounded so over worked. I knew right then that I was right. As bad as I feel for her taking care of my babies, I knew that if I had not come the inevitable nervous break down that has been looming over me for months was going to happen. It may very well be the most selfish thing I have ever done. Everyone keeps telling me to do what is good for me so I am.

I am trying to figure myself out. I am trying to be the best person I can be. I am trying to get to the bottom of my issues. It sometimes feels very overwhelming. It sometimes feels impossible. I have faith that I will come through all of this with a better understanding of myself and therefore a I will be able to face the challenges in my life in a better and more productive way. Right now the only things that matter to me are that my children are safe and happy and my relationship with their father is on the mend. Everything and I do mean everything else has to take a back seat for awhile. Just until I am strong enough to take on those challenges. It is weird for me to express that thought because I am the one who is always picking up the pieces for everyone else. So now I guess it is my turn to let someone help me pick up the pieces of my broken life.

I have what they call post traumatic stress disorder. It stems from several traumas that I have experienced over a period of years. The problem for me is that each event that was traumatic to me created a response in me that made me hide it away. I have spent years and years burying things inside of myself and putting on a smile to face the world. So when this depression (that I have shared in previous blogs) came upon me I was blind sided. I had never experienced anything like this. I did not have any skills to deal with it and it has very nearly killed me. I have never in my life let myself truly experience the pain so that I could deal with the real problems. So now I am grown and have a family and so much responsibility and the stress has created this kind of explosion within me. I am utterly unable to bury anything and just move on anymore. I am experiencing all of the past pain and creating an environment for new pain to consume me. Therapy helps me to dump it all out so that I can look at it and decide what to tackle. The hardest thing lately has been being without my husband. I do not like being alone. I have never had to be alone. Being the oldest of eight children, being married, having my own four children, alone is not something I have had to deal with before. It is not that I am physically alone either. I am just emotionally alone. I am finding out that I have created this feeling for myself because I have always refused to let anyone into my life to help me. I have always tried to maintain an attitude of control so that no one would be able to see how out of control I felt. I played a good role for a number of years and now it is as if that part of me broke and I can not keep all of this inside anymore. Letting people help me is not easy for me. I feel a great sense f guilt over needing the help in the first place. Apparently healthy people do not feel this way. So I am trying to get past it and let people help me. But with letting people help I also have to balance it out by helping myself. Taking time for me. Doing things only for me. This is a totally foreign concept to me because I spent so much of my life doing for others. From the time a I was a small child I helped with my brothers and sisters. I had a lot of responsibility. It happens in big families. I have finally let go of the anger I felt toward my parents for that. It is just something that happens in large families and I can not mourn it any longer. It helped to make me who I am. The flash backs and night terrors I get on regular basis have helped wear me down physically as well as emotionally. I have felt so tired lately that the depression has surfaced with a vengeance. That is probably a huge factor in how I ended up in Germany this week. All I could think of was that I needed rest and the only way I knew how to get it was to be close (in proximity) to my husband. I needed someone to hold on to. Someone who I know loves me. He needed me to come here because he also needed to feel loved again.

We are going to have to find a way to end this nightmare of him chasing a paycheck around the world. We are going to have to find a way for us to live together full time. If we don't figure that out I know our marriage will not survive and I am not so sure that I will be ok if that happened. So here I am. I feel better for having written all of this down. I feel better for having come here. I feel better for having been able to get some sleep with out any bad dreams. The next four days are going to go by so quickly. I will not allow myself to waste this trip. Rest and reconnection is what I needed and that is what I am getting.

So until next time (which maybe sooner that usual since I am loaded with free time) take care and be blessed!

The path less traveled may be where you find the best treasures...

2009-02-11T15:27:00.004-05:00

So it is that easy, you pray and then poof you feel better? Well actually yes, if it is done with the right heart. So I have been in one constant conversation with God for two days now. OK so Farm Wife was right I do have faith. I have just been unwilling to be obedient. Ouch! How is that for honesty with myself? I am thinking that this is scary for me. But maybe it was not God who let me down. Maybe (just maybe) it was people and myself. If that is truly the case then I need to humble myself before God and give Him back the control of my life. SCARY!! But I think maybe that is the only way I will truly find myself. I have been torturing myself with questions of identity and worth. I am plagued by shame and guilt. I am all alone. So as my counselor said today: What do you have to lose? I of course felt a little defensive about that question. Only because couldn't she see it in all of my crying sessions with her that I already lost everything once before. Then it hit me. I lost everything yes, it shattered my life yes, it sucks big time yes, BUT that was not God's plan for my life. That was not what He intended for me. I have punished myself for a very very long time. Nobody would punish me the way I have. So, I am determining today, to start renewing my relationship with my savior! Pray for me! I am going Church shopping. I am praying that God will lead me where he wants me to be. It may not be an easy path but I think with His help I can walk it. It has got to be better than what I have been doing on my own. It's just another step, right? But some how it all feels different. New path? Maybe. Or it could be that it is an old familiar path, grown over by weeds, in need of a great deal of TLC.

Are you serious, God?

2009-02-10T21:52:00.006-05:00

***WARNING***

MATURE CONTENT

I am sitting in my living room, all alone, checking facebook, wondering if any more old friends have reach out through cyberspace to reconnect with me. I am wondering "OK God what is this? Is this an intervention miracle style? And why why is my past so there and in my face? Must I really go through even more pain to get...where? Where is all of this leading?" Yep, there you have it! I was praying just then. OK so I am rusty at it. So, that answers one question I have been asking myself lately. I must still have faith or else why would I think God had anything at all to do with it? That all said I was checking facebook. I have recently found a new appreciation for facebook. It is so fun to find a long lost friend...or to be found is pretty great too. I have been in the midst of my own great depression for too long now. I keep calling it a journey. But I have been really unsure of where I am going. I am terrified almost all of the time. But I don't know why I am scared. None of it makes much sense to me. I have felt as if my hopes and dreams have been crushed. I have felt an overwhelming sense of fear. A fear that comes on me from no where and consumes with wave after wave of irrationality. I have been to four different therapist in nine years. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The first guy to tell me that was a cretin who called himself a man of God. His brand of therapy to help me heal from a excruciatingly painful and divorce, from a husband I had shared a ministry with, involved way too much "touch" therapy for me to deal with. Another therapist I sought the counsel of was an old family friend who tried to help me understand that if I buried my issues they would come back to haunt me. He begged me not to minimize the impact of my divorce upon myself because it would wound me deeply if I did not deal with it. But I in all my lack of wisdom ignored that counsel because I was way too sure of myself to let him be right. So I moved on and when life got a little rough again I sought out counseling. This time I thought it was because I was pregnant with my 4th child SURPRISE!!!! And I was falling apart emotionally. And all of a sudden it seemed like maybe all those things I tried to put behind me were creeping in on me. Slowly at first...well in all truth they were always with me. I was just losing the battle to suppress the sadness, the regret, the fear, the anger, and the rejection. You see, when I married my first husband I believed in happily ever after. I believed that if a person said they loved you they must really mean it. I believed I was called by God to be his wife. When I said those vows 12 years ago, it was a sacred vow between myself and my God and my husband. I knew that! I knew it was a forever promise. I never broke that promise. I fought that divorce with everything I had. I look back now I and I wonder why did I do that? He did not want me. Probably never did want me. So why did I want him? He hurt me. He hit me. He broke my spirit and yet I held on. Why? Because I made a promise. I loved God. I knew I was called by him. I knew that our ministry was blessed because of that calling. And because my whole life I had been waiting to be right there married to him ministering to those who needed God's love in their lives. Reaching out to kids who needed to know God's love. When he and I got divorced my life was devastated. There is no other word to describe the pain and despair I felt. I was so lost. I was so confused. I lifted my marriage up everyday in prayer. I trust in my God to keep it safe. I trusted in God's divine plan for my husband and I. So, when it was over my life was over. Really I mean it. That is not some melodramatic "oh whoa is me..." crap. Here is an example of what I mean. My ex husband left me on a Sunday morning while I was ironing my dress for Sunday school (which we taught by the way). He called our church and told the Senior Pastor that he was done and he was leaving me. And he did. He came back a day or so later. Said he loved me, made love to me, beg me not to go on a business training trip for my job. He knew I had to go on that trip it was an expensive training my company had already paid for. I begged him to come along and share my hotel room. But he didn't. The next afternoon somebody pulled me out of training because I had an emergency phone call from my pastor. My ex was in the hospital. The pastor, a deacon, the sheriff, and maybe one other person had found him at home unconscious. That's all they told me. I must have called that hospital a hundred times on my 2 hour long road trip back home. I did not know anything. Was he dead? Why? I prayed and prayed and prayed! I asked God with all my heart to please let him be OK. I beat myself up for leaving him. I knew he was hurting. I knew he said he needed me. But I was afraid that pretty soon we might need me to work. I could not blow that job. Maybe I should have. But at the time I couldn't. When I finally got to the hospital his parents were there at first I was so relieved! But then they would not let me see him. I was told he had given himself alcohol poisoning. There was much much more to the story than I care to mention. Even more lurid details came to me everyday. I did what I needed to do when I went to our Senior Pastor and spoke with him about intimate details of our personal life. I wanted my husband to be helped. I wanted him to heal. I was so ill equipped to deal with alcoholism, addiction, and depression. I was the girl who was rarely sad. I did not understand people who could not shake the blues. My outlook was always to have faith God would work things out. So I waited on my miracle. When it didn't come in the form I wanted it to I chastised myself for being selfish. Then a really unexpected thing happened. Suddenly I was not an acceptable member of the church to minister to the youth. In fact I was asked to serve in another capacity. Some place away from teaching, youth, drama, pretty much everywhere I served. I could however still sing in the choir if I wanted to. When I married my ex I became pretty isolated from my friends. His friends became our friends. So when we got a divorce they became his again. And still for a very very long time I just wanted him to get better. I wanted him to find out what God was trying to show him. I wanted the best for him. When our divorce was final I think that is when I got angry. I did things right. I was a good girl. I have always been a pretty honest person. For the first time in my life I was truly all alone. For a little while I really focused on learning and growing in my relationship with God. But the pain I felt was raw so real. I started to think that I was fooling myself. Maybe all those people out there who are partying and living it up, maybe they have the right idea. It felt weird at first. I hated going to clubs. I don't like the taste of alcohol but I drank it anyway. I even tried drugs. I mean why not I did it the other way and it did not work out for me. I decided to say forget it to everything I was and recreate myself. Now that was not a decision I sat down and thought about and said Hell Yeah let's do it. No it was more like a gradual thing. First I had to get a job in a bigger city. Then I started meeting people who did not know me because of a ministry. I was just a single girl who was really naive. I took one step at a time away from God. I turned my back on him in little tiny ways, then in small ways, then in bigger ways. I practiced at it so much that I started to change. I see that when I look in the mirror. Most days now a stranger looks back at me. So, now there is this great depression looming over me. And tonight I checked facebook. Oh wait! You gotta also know that in October when I had my first anxiety attack (in church) it was because I was on facebook the night before and was looking at a friend's list of friends and for the first time in 8 years I seen his face. There he was big as day in her friends list. It kind of seems like something broke in me right then and there. Because here I was trying to get back into church. Trying to find my way with God again and BAM! I am still reeling from it. Now you see why I am in counseling, again. So, tonight, I received a message from an old friend who married my ex's best friend. I have never in my life been more touched by a note before. To preface, last night I was sad. Very very sad. I mentioned that I was said in my status bar on facebook. Immediately this friend who I had just reconnected with sent me an encouraging note. Then she entered into prayer for me. Me someone she has not laid eyes on in at least nine years! Me...unworthy, unlovable, ME! OK so I am having trouble processing why she would care about me. But she did. So I sent her a note this morning to thank her. And her reply back to me is so overwhelming. I could not see the words through my tears. Not only because I need to know what she said but because God reached out to me through the screen on this computer and gave me a glimpse. I am so moved beyond words I am moved. I could not even begin to respond to her note until I came to this blog and poured enough out to continue. Kind of like a pressure release valve on a pressure cooker. I am trying to ease the pressure some. I have to take a step. I have to either move toward God or not. But I have a sense that my choice here may be the determining factor in me beating this depression I am in or not. So I hope it is OK to say I am going to give God another shot at it. This time I am going to heal but I am going to try to let God do that for me. I need to let go and let God do it. Maybe just maybe I will be whole again. Please pray for me. I am scared. I am praying for peace to come into my life. I am asking God to restore me to the woman he created me to be. I am asking Him to heal my pain so that I may serve Him again. I can not believe I am saying all this. But I have never felt anything more strongly.
And so I take another step on my journey....
Until next time...

The light

2009-02-06T10:18:00.003-05:00

I am reveling in a feeling of peace! I know different than the other night. I am embracing joy. Trying to feel as much of it as possible. Knowing that it may be a fleeting feeling. My emotions cover such a range. It almost amazes me. Almost, because I realized last night that I have lived with this depression all my life. I never knew that before. Or maybe I should say I never recognized it before. When I was young I would write poetry (ok none of it was good, but I got to get my feelings out). I always felt like I was melodramatic as a kid. I never felt like anyone understood me. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Don't get me wrong there were times in my life when I felt utterly accepted and truly loved. It is hard for me to remember what it was that made me feel loved and accepted. When I was in school (grade school) I always felt like everyone else was better than me. Maybe it is because my family was so different. We had six children and we were very poor. That is hard on a kid, especially because other kids can be so cruel in their teasing. As I got older I realized that those kids who used to tease me grew up in the same place as I did. NONE of them were any better than me. In fact truth be told I made it out of there and most of them did not. So that is something huh? But every once in a while I hear there taunting comments ring through my brain and I wonder.... Then there was High School! OMG!!! I would never ever go through that again! I hated High School. I never found my niche. I tried sports. I like playing the games, hated the team mates who seemed to pick on me relentlessly. I was too lazy to excel academically. I always seemed to make friends with the least popular people in the school. I always rooted for the underdog. I hated discrimination whether it was because of the color of ones skin or because of their station in life. I always found myself connecting to those who were wounded. Looking back maybe that was because I was wounded as well. So, what caused me to be a wounded spirit? I can't remember anything really bad ever happening to me. So why the damage and baggage that is following me everywhere? I don't know. It drives me crazy because I think that if I could just identify what went wrong then I could maybe fix it or figure out how to move forward. Counseling is helping. I am learning to listen to the voice that is deep inside of me. I am learning to trust myself. College was the most glorious time of my life! I LOVED LOVED LOVED it! I made friends that seemed so genuine, so true, so accepting of me. I messed that all up though. When I got married to the wrong person for the VERY wrong reasons. I lost everyone!!! None of those people stayed in touch. I was disposable to them. I needed their friendships way more than they needed mine. Socially I was fulfilled while in college. I was growing spiritually. I thought I was on the "right" path. When I got married I still believed in "happily ever after". I still believed that things always work out for the good. I still believed in an ultimate plan. Twelve years later, a divorce, a career, dating, remarriage, 4 children, heartache, heart break, moving more than 12 times, realizing that friendships are fleeting, I do not believe in any of those things anymore. That makes me so sad! I am scared to admit that out loud. Maybe lightning will strike (again). Maybe I will be punished for my lack of faith. Faith is a funny thing. See I always thought I had a gift of Faith. It just came so easily for me. I just knew what I knew and in my heart Faith was strong! My life seemed to reflect that. And BAM! It was all gone! I did all the "right" things. I made a few genuine mistakes. Mistakes that changed the course of my life forever! You can't take them back. You can't change the past. I know that. I know the really I only have right now this minute...nothing else is certain. And right now in this minute I want to change the direction of my life again. I want to shape it into something extraordinary! I want to be a person that makes a difference. I want to be happy and helpful and needed. So how do I get there? Unable to change the past but desperate to change the future. So I am blogging. Maybe it will help me. But even more importantly maybe it will help someone else. I know that I am not the only person going through this. I know there are others. All of us for different reasons. All struggling to find the meaning in it all. So this is my little slice of the pie. I am offering it up so that maybe someone else will not have to suffer as much. I know I will make it through this. I am going to be happy again. But this time it will be real. It will be mine and I will know why all these years have been so difficult.

So, today I am enjoying the light! I am feeling the joy. I am loving my journey....yes, I did say loving. With out all of the troubles we would never be able to find value in the joy nor the pain. So today I am finding the value!

Until next time...

~J

I never knew how to be me

2009-01-30T23:38:00.003-05:00

Sitting here tonight surfing the net, aimlessly looking at Myspace and Facebook, I thought to myself I do have a severely neglected blog to tend to. So here I am thinking how long has it been? Too long that is for sure. I decided a long time ago that this blog was my place. My place to be me. My place to find me. So maybe it was with the beginning of this blog that I started out on an unexpected journey. So here I am to update my progress (or lack thereof).
We had a good and busy holiday season this year. December turned into January and January is now turning into February. Where is the time going? Every morning I am caught off guard by another day. It sounds strange I am sure but true. I feel like life is running in hyper drive and I am barely hanging on.
So back to the journey. *Bear with me while I ramble*
I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately. I feel like I need to write them down for a little order and direction.
Questions:
Does everyone go through periods of self examination and feel like they measure up short?
Knowing that every person has a past full of things better left unsaid, why does my past haunt me so much?
How does a person know how to "be true to yourself"?
What does be true to yourself mean?
Is it good enough to just make it through everyday?
What do I want to be when I grow up?
How come I am unsure of who I am?
Why do some people get all the breaks?
Why do I have such a bad memory?
When will I feel right again?
Did I ever feel "right"?
You see, this is what goes on in my head. I am confused about a lot of things. I have always thought that I would figure things out someday but I am starting to wonder if that is possible. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I love my husband. I am satisfied to be a mom. I am satisfied to be a wife. But beyond that do I have an identity? And if so what is it? People are always telling me to do things for just me. Spend time on you. Do something you like to do. You get the picture. Yet when I sit and think what do I like? I draw a blank. I say well, I like to read. And I do. I like to spend time with friends. I like to do things for people I care about. I like to think I could be a creative genius (if only I could find the one thing I am good at). I realized recently that I have forgotten how to dream. Or maybe I have suppressed that part of me. I don't see a clear vision of the future. Is that because I have had so many disappointments? How will I teach my babies to dream if I can't? I feel an immense amount of (self induced) pressure to figure it all out. I am scared all the time. I feel lost and alone a lot. I know that I am pushing away the ones who love me, yet I can't stop. I want to retreat away from the world. Yet, that is impossible since my kids have to have a life. Do other mom's feel like running away? I tried that once this past summer. It did nothing but compound my problems even more. Instead of resolving anything it just opened a dam. My life is flooded with fear, doubt, sadness, and self loathing. I started counseling a while back. I did not attend any appointments throughout the holidays. Maybe that was a mistake. But I have a great therapist who talked me into coming back. I find it strange that I reveal things to her that I never intend to. I rehearse how I think each appointment will go. I think of what thing I really want to talk about. I play it all out in my head before I ever get there. Then I show up and BAM! I start spilling my guts! What's up with that? Is that a true sign that I want this therapy thing to really work this time? Or sign that I am truly on the edge of a nervous breakdown? Both are true but it is the latter that directs me. In the past few months I have suffered such great pain. A pain like I have never known. The pain is now a familiar friend. It is with me everywhere. My constant companion. I am so disappointed with my life. I am so sad. Never fear though I get up every morning and I put on my big girl pants and I do what I have to. Because I have to. Does that make me strong or stupid? I used to have a deep faith. It was so much a part of me, where did it go? Well, I guess if you get let down enough times you stop believing in anything. I ask myself how could I have been so dedicated to God, serving him in any way I could, and I became lost. How do you get lost? I guess it is like when you were a kid and your mom turned away at a store while you were looking at something. And then she was gone. Panic set in. You knew you were lost! It was hopeless. Yet Mom always found you. How come God hasn't found me? And if God knows everything how come He let so many bad things happen to me? How does a person cope when it seems as though even God doesn't want you. I want to be loved. I want someone to really love me. Yet, I fear it can never happen. How come I am so unlovable? Is it something that I did wrong? I have had two bad marriages. I have 4 kids depending on me to get it right. I do not have a good example from my parents. Where do I learn to get it right? Where are the answers? I am desperate to know. I am desperate to feel better. I am desperate to be loved.
I could write for hours about all the terrible things I have experienced but those are things I want to keep to myself. I need help in this journey. I need guidance. And I need my husband to be my friend. I need him to listen (by listen I also mean care) to me. I need him to understand (really understand in his heart and soul) how devastated I truly am. I am a true and honest mess. Everyone always told me that if I buried my issues they would come back out. Guess what, they were right. Except I never imagined that everything would surface at once. I never knew that I could be this messed up. I never knew how to be me.

One day at a time...

2008-12-07T10:58:00.004-05:00

The Christmas season is off and running. I may be lagging behind in the race but I am still in it. We put up the tree. I let the kids decorate it all by themselves (well I put hooks on ornaments and handed them to them). They are so proud. We sold two of our puppies yesterday...yay me...that means a little extra to spend on gifts. Daddy is coming home on Christmas eve. Won't the kids be excited to wake up Christmas morning to the best present ever!!!???!!! WE going to bake cookies today with the cousins. So all and all I am feeling a little more festive.

Depression is a very serious thing. I never understood that before. I used to think that people who were depressed should just "look on the bright side" or "cheer up". I never understood the dynamics of the disorder until it started to effect me. I am not sure why at the age of 32 I am suffering from a bout of clinical depression. But I am. My normal positive thinking has not helped me to shake the sadness. So I started seeing a therapist. I think I am going to use this blog (when I need to) to follow my journey through this. I know "this too shall pass". I am hopeful that I will not only find the answers I need but maybe just maybe if I am blogging about my journey I might help another woman out there who feels as alone as I do. So bear with me my friends as I start a journey to healing and hopefulness. More than anything in the world I want to get my faith back. More than anything I want to feel real true joy again. And more than anything I want to feel safe, secure and healthy. This is a roller coaster ride for me. I am up and I am down. Some times I feel like the world is spinning out of my control and I wonder will I land on my feet or my hind end. It is a scary thing. Sometimes not knowing which way is up. So I am taking it one day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time. Just knowing I am not alone helps more than anyone will ever know.

Until next time...

BAH HUM BUG!!!

2008-11-30T00:42:00.003-05:00

The Christmas season is upon us yet again. However, I feel more like Mr. Scrooge this season. I have just been so blah and bah hum bug! Turkey day was nice but did not feel like a holiday. Don't get me wrong the food was great, the company wonderful...it just did not feel like a holiday. Can't really explain it but several of us have thought about having a do over. Black Friday took on a whole new meaning for me this year. I never ever go shopping on that most crazy of shopping days. I am just not that brave. I am not that into shopping anyway. If I was rich that would be one job I would hire out. A personal shopper would be my greatest luxury. But, I digress. Back to black Friday. I decided that, since I had a willing babysitter, I would make the 40 minute drive down to my Mother-in-law's house to retrieve our Christmas stuff. We have had all of our Christmas stuff stored in her basement since we moved from Tennessee two years ago. Our first Christmas here we lived at Chuck's Mom's house so naturally that is where it was at. Last Christmas we decided not to unpack it all because we lived in the smallest apartment known to man.
So, I made the drive down there. I visited for a few minutes and then I prepared myself to go down into the dungeonous basement and load my van with fourteen years worth of Christmas cheer. I was actually starting to get a little Christmas Spirit. I descended down into the depths and to my shock and horror every box was gone. In the place of my beloved boxes was a pool table. I looked elsewhere. Surely they (meaning my *&%$#@!!! Brothers-in-law) put those clearly marked boxes some where else. I looked through everything. No boxes! I went back up stairs sat on the couch with my Mother-in-law. You know the woman I have grown to love and cherish so deeply. I tearfully told her that all my boxes were gone. I felt like a little girl begging for some one to make it all better. We looked in the attic, as if any one that lives in that house would ever carry those heavy boxes up two flights of stairs and into the attic. I came home and looked in my own attic, as if the man I am married to would ever put anything in the attic on his own accord. These were both absurd ideas to begin with.
So, at this point you are probably asking yourself; "What happened to the boxes?" Well, in my heart I knew immediately. You see this past summer my Mother-in-law rented a dumpster. They were going to clean out all of the junk in the basement. We all went down there and clearly marked what stayed and what was trash. We had a supposed system. Bright orange (hunters orange) stickers were placed on the boxes and other stuff that went. If it did not have an orange sticker then it was supposed to stay. My Brother-in-law swears it was my husband who threw away my Christmas stuff. Which is absurd. For goodness sake he lives with me and he knows how precious those things are to me. Which is what he told me when I called him last night.
So, my effort to shake off the bah hum bugs has just crushed me. I feel so betrayed! My friends all want to take me out shopping. But at this moment that will not help me through this. I lost irreplaceable things. Stockings that my husbands grandmother (who passed away in June) made for each of our children. I was so glad she got to see each of them born before she passed. I can't get those back. My ornaments since I was a kid. All the ornaments I have collected for my kids each year. Our first Christmas ornaments. My Christmas village, Fitz and Floyd collectibles, my Christmas around the world stuff that I earned and bought while working for them. Oh my goodness the list is long. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I had collections of snowmen, angels, bells, and tea pots. Things friends have given me that I treasure. The key for Santa. Wow! The more I think about it the more I remember that I had.
I keep telling myself that it is just stuff. But I am just mad. I gotta shake this for the kids sake.
But right now I just feel like saying BAH HUM BUG!

Struggles and joys

2008-11-15T10:54:00.002-05:00

This week went so well until last night. I have been getting my energy back, feeling more like me. A bad case of mono knocked me down for the count for way too long. It would have been nice to know I had mono before the last week or so of feeling bad. LOL But the point is I have been feeling better. Then all of a sudden I woke up this morning and it was all too much to deal with. I did not sleep well last night. Could have been because I drank two sodas (with caffeine) way too late last night. I could not sleep well at all. About the time I tried to go to bed my youngest son (not quite 3 years old) woke up. He needed to be changed. This is the third night in a row that he has woke up and needed to be changed and then gotten into my bed with me. I don't mind so much (most of the time). Having him sleep in my bed makes my bed feel a little less empty. So, last night after I changed him and put him into bed with me, he decided he was not at all sleepy!! UGH!! At 3:30am I was getting a little fed up with the constant chatter. He finally fell back asleep. And so did I. Then the bad dreams started. I can not really remember exactly what I was dreaming. I get so frustrated when I forget a dream just as I am getting ready to talk about it. I know whatever the dream was I was scared and sad and lost and alone. I cried in my sleep. Normally when that happens to me my Chuck is there to wake me and hold me and tell me it was just a dream. But he can't do that when he is across the world in Germany. So, I woke up this morning to my 17 month old daughter screaming (as usual) to get out of bed. My 4 year old and her best friend ready to play after a successful sleep over and my almost 3 year old still sleeping in my bed. My first thought was I wish Chuck were here so I could sleep in. He must have sensed that I was in need. Because within minutes of waking up he called. It is always good to hear his voice. Today however, our conversation just made me feel all the more helpless without him. Why does everything have to be so hard? We made a decision a couple of weeks ago. I want to put my kids in daycare and get a part time job. I think maybe that is why this week seemed so blissful. I had a break to look forward to. Until yesterday. I called 12 daycares! Yes, I said 12! Nine did not even answer the phone. One had no openings. One would not quote me a price until after I toured the facility (I have an appt Wednesday evening). The one and only daycare I got to quote me a price was outrageous!!! They wanted me to pay: $160 a week for my 17 month old, $150 a week for my 2 year old, and $140 a week for my 4 year old! So, for those of you who (like me) are not quick with math that is a grand total of $450 a week or $1800 a month! When I asked about a multi-child discount they all but laughed at me. I was assured that they had the "lowest" rates in the area and that I would not find a better deal. OK well let me just slam my head against the wall and see what kind of results that gets me. UGH!! How am I ever going to get a break? I just need a little time away from the demands of 4 small children. It was not this hard when Chuck was here. I complained a lot about how much he did not do. But now that he is gone I know how precious the little breaks were. Now I can not do anything with out little ones following me, needing me, crying to me, tattling on each other, fighting with each other, painting on my walls, making messes that requires a bio hazard team to clean up, etc... If you are a mom you know the drill. They never stop amazing me with the things they can come up with. The other day Matty (who no longer wants to be called Matty- he shall now and forever be known as Matthew or Buzz Lightyear) was supposed to be laying down on my bed for his afternoon nap. I foolishly thought that he had fallen asleep (since there was no noises coming from my room). Instead, about 30 minutes after I had laid him down, he came sneaking out of my room. He announced that "I had a good nap Mommy!" When I looked up what did I see? My 2 year old was covered in craft paint! Head to toe! We are talking face, arms, legs, hair, clothes EVERYTHING! So I put him in the tub and went to find out where he painted and how he got the paints. I keep all of the children's art supplies, videos, books, crayons, markers, glue, etc... in my closet. I thought this would be the most controlled place to keep the most messy stuff. Logical or so I thought. While Matt was supposed to be napping he got into the closet (very quietly) and pulled out craft paints. He proceeded to paint my walls, dresser, comforter and himself! I gave him a bath and then made him take a nap in his own bed! What is a mom to do?
I am losing the fight. It is four against one and I am just too overwhelmed to be the Mom that I want to be. I try darn it all. But it is all too much for me right now. People ask me all the time: "How do you do it with four kids?" I always think it is such a dumb question. Mostly because I can not think of a way to tell them what it is like. Just like you can not tell someone what it is like to be a parent, because it is just something you have to experience to understand. The same is true with four kids. I have friends who have four (or even more) and they do not seem to struggle the way I do. They do not seem to be falling apart. I wish I could say to folks "How do you think I do it? One moment at a time. Just like everybody else."
Right now it is gloomy. My happiness meter is low. I am lonely for my husband. My kids are challenging me in ways I never thought possible. And yet, I can not give up this fight. I will make it through this. Because the one thing I know about life is that this too shall pass. If a can hang on long enough I will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So, this is me hanging on. It is not pretty. It is not fun. It is just life.

What do you say?

2008-11-04T01:11:00.002-05:00

This is a two part entry. It started as a letter to an estranged friend and turned into something completely different. Don't mind me I am just trying to reason through my feelings and thoughts.

What do you say to the friend you thought you would never lose? I am so sad and sorry that we don't talk anymore. I am still confused about what happened to us. My life is filled with so many losses and so many hurts. I think so often how much I would like to just pick up the phone and talk to you. I tried to call you once this summer. It was on a day that I ran away from home. I was gone for 4 days. I felt like the world was shifting beneath my feet. You were the person I wanted to call. You were the one person I knew who would understand. But all I have gotten from you is silence. Why is that? Did I do something unforgivable? For the life of me I can not figure out why we are not friends anymore. If you would just tell me. Is it about me? I have tried to think of everything (which about drove me crazy) until I could not think of it anymore. I miss you! I miss so many of the little things. I miss just hanging out and laughing and eating and watching our kids play. I miss talking to you when my world was upside down. You having the right things to say or least a good plan to cheer me up. I tried to be that kind of friend to you as well. You changed my life. You were the first true friend I had made since college. It is a rare thing to find a true friend. I never once thought that we would be estranged. I foolishly thought we would be the best of friends till we were little old ladies sipping tea.
We shared the music of our lives together. It haunts me everyday that you are gone.

So I have settled. Settled for less. That is maybe the theme for my life. I always seem to settle for less than I am worth. Turning 30 changed me. My ideals, goals and expectations. I wonder does that happen to everyone at 30? Do you think that it is common to look back at your twenties and think I was so naive. I was really idealistic. I used to believe that everything always works out for the good. I used to have a gift for it. Do you think that God is punishing me? Do you think that all the loss and hurt is because I am so awful that even God must punish me? I mean I don't go to church anymore. Everything that happened at at our last church sealed it for me. I have tried. Really I have. Recently we started attending a local Baptist church. My next door neighbor goes there and I thought we should try it out too. My kids hate it there. I can not understand it. They have always loved church so much. But they hate this one. To tell you the truth I am not so fond of it either. I am not sure why though. I think it is because I feel so much anxiety about being there. It reminds me of a time when I was married to a person who was in the ministry. A time when my life had a ministry. A time before all the chaos. Before all the compromises. I am not me any more. The problem is I don't even know who I want to be. I am so sad. I am so lost. My faith has be squashed. My good natured outlook is cynical. I wonder who have I become. I wonder is this depression? If so the anti depressant the doctor prescribed is not doing it's job. I am scared. It seems as if everything moves at too quick a pace. I was 30 two years ago. So why do I still feel a sense of loss. Why do I mourn the life I had when I was 20 something? It wasn't so great back then either. I had bigger dreams and less worries. But it all seemed tough to go through at the time. It seems like disappointments are bigger now. I look back and think of where I saw myself heading...and you know what I see? A girl who had no foresight. Looking ahead has never been my strong suit. I have always lived for today. Looking for the good in all things. Just "knowing" everything will always work out for the good. What happened to all that faith? I will tell you. Life happened. Twists and turns in the road. A few surprises thrown in for good measure. Love, loss and betrayal. Responsibility, worries, fear. Looking back I wonder at which crossroads would a different decision have changed everything? I believe that every person every day does the very best he or she is capable of doing. No one wakes up in the morning and declares "Today I think I will see how bad I can mess things up". No one does that. Yet, how is that a million little decisions and a few really big ones, can make such a mess.
I wish I knew what would make it easier.

I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring. Tomorrow (well actually later today) our nation will elect a new president. In the deepest part of my soul I know that nothing will ever be the same again after tomorrow. What is better, to learn a new skill and look into the future with a plan? Or continue to hope for the best? Do I jump on the wagon with those who are preparing for survival? I feel it in my soul that we are in for some very hard times. Yet, my over privileged American self does not even comprehend what hard times means. Does that mean that I need to find a job? Does that mean I should stockpile food and supplies? Will my husband have a job? Is he safe over seas? Will he be able to come back home when I need him to?

It's no wonder I am worried. It's no wonder I had a break down of sorts a few weeks ago. But is it really stress combined with a bad case of mono that is causing all if this anxiety?

So many questions, not enough answers. I am haunted by fear and paralyzed in faith.

A letter to a dear friend after years of being estranged

2008-11-03T01:31:00.002-05:00

I worte this letter today to a dear old friend. Yet it seems so wonderful topost here. This is what I feel about divorce. It changes you. You can not help it. The scar is deep and wide. No matter who comes in to fill a hole in your heart there will always be something missing.

Things have gone so differently for me than I would have ever expected. I have been think about all of that alot lately. I was in the hospital about a month ago. The doctors don't really know what is/was wrong with me. I found out friday that I have mono and that might explain some of what is going on with me. But I have been sick for a while now. Mono does not explain the sudden onset of a dibilitating stutter and severe pain through out my body. The doctor says that was an acute reaction to stress. Although I am not under any real stress. Or maybe I should say under any new stress. But maybe I just don't remember what stress free feels like. LOL Yep, I have four kids. Crazy huh? Me???? I am still trying to figure out what happened. :) We had Z**** and E****. C**** wanted one more. So when E**** was two along came M*****. He was going to be our last. Jokes on me! C**** changed jobs and since his doc would not give him a vasectomy while I was pregnant we had to wait a few months. We were REALLY careful! But some how the same month we moved to Delaware I got pregnant again. He got fixed while I was pregnant. I made him lie to his doc. So we are definately done. It makes my head spin to think of it. Me, you know, the girl who had a great career, a life in the ministry, a set path that included 2.5 kids a house with a fence and a dog. Well instead I opted for stay at home mom to 4 kids (all with in 5 years of each other), wife to a traveling gypsie, no career (no time for that let alone daycare money), no ministry and a failing Faith. What happened there? I am not sure. I have thought alot about it in the past few months. I wonder so often if this is my punishment for my divorce from C***. I am estranged from myself. Sounds strange huh? I know this is way more than you thought a catching up letter would be. Me too. I don't know why I feel like I should pour my heart out to you. After all it has been so long since we have been in touch. Well, I guess I do know that I have always felt a kindred spirit with you. And I remember being able to share my real self within our friendship. That is a rare thing in this life. I think also it must be that you have known me for long enough to know me before. Not many people knew me before my divorce. How can one event change a persons life so much. I am not saying that I wish I was married to C***. Not at all. I love my husband and children more than anything else in the world. Its just that I am not the same person I used to be. I have gotten back in touch with so many friends from my past in the last year or two. And whenever I talkto them it seems as if life has taken them exactly where they thought it would. How come that happens for some people and not for others? I have faced every trial with determination and grit. Always keeping a positive outlook. And yet I am so scared that I do not know how to trust anyone including myself. Do you think it is the same for everyone who gets divorced? Do you think that C*** has problems too? Do you know I have not even spoken to him once since before our divorce was final. Yet I have wondered about him everyday since he left. Not as acutely now as I did in the past. But I think of him all the time. Sometimes I am angry with him. Anger is an aweful thing. Having no closure, no choice in how things ended. Yet knowing how much he truly hurt me. Missing his family. Oh how I miss them. His mom called me about three years ago. She called me to appologize for the way she had treated me through our divorce. She told me that she and his Dad had gotten divorced. She told me about C***'s brother J*** being in the Military over seas and planning to get married. But not even one word was mentioned about C***. She did not offer and I did not ask. It killed me to not ask. I want to know did everything work out for him? Is he happy? Does it seem weird to him to have had a life together and no longer know each other? Of course I can't tell my husband all of this he would not understand. It would hurt him so deeply. I do not want C*** back. I just want to know who he is now. Did it all change for him too? After our seperation I was not allowed to work in our church anymore. They did not want me working with the children because I might lead them astray. That was the single most hurtful thing I have ever experienced in a church. After that it has been really hard to go to church. WE have tried for a long time. But I always feel so uncomfortable. I have not had a church home since Riverside. I wonder what would have happened if we had just stayed. We certainly would have had a different life. I am so sorry to pour this all out to you. I guess maybe I feel like telling you so you maybe could share it with T***** and M*******. I am so heart broken for them. I know God can heal a marriage. Even when someone has been unfaithful. Divorce scars you for life. The blessing in my life is that I have a great husband who loves me more than I may even know. He is patient and understands how insecure I can be. He is always gentle with me. I know he is the one. I just mourn my other life daily.
*edit for personal content*
So that is my weird and probably too much information update.I hope I did not freak you out by pouring my heart out like that.
I truly miss you and am so glad I found you.
Till next time...
~J

First day of kindergarten

2008-08-25T10:31:00.003-04:00

#1Son started school today! After 2 years of wishing it was his turn, the day finally arrived. I thought I would be a lot more emotional. I was just so excited for him. I teared up a little right before I was ready to leave. That was only because he was a little frightened. He all of a sudden realized that he would have to stay there all day, with out Mommy or his siblings. I promised to get him at the end of the day and he was fine. So I am going to attach a few pics for everyone to see him.

On the home front, we are all doing well. DH is in Germany. He went a week ago today. It seems like it has been longer than that. I spent several days this past week so sad that it was hard to do anything. Today however, I am back on my game. I am motivated! I will accomplish something today! The larger Dunkin Doughnuts iced coffee has a lot to do with my energy level. Also the fact that I know I am Mommy and I can not keep myself in a such a state forever! So here I am trying to cope. Trying to push through the pain and fear and get it all done. I am starting to realize how my parents must have felt 25-30 years ago. When you are the Mommy you just gotta suck it up and move on. It is now my job to put things in a good light, so my kids learn to cope as well. Honestly it helps to have things to focus on. I am moving forward, today anyway.

Until next time....

The adventure begins...

2008-08-19T10:42:00.002-04:00

My man left for Germany yesterday. It was a busy, hard and long day. I felt really loved though. Several of my friends and family made sure that I did not have to be alone for most of the night. It was nice to know they care. The kids are doing well (so far) with this new arrangement. I feel a lot better now that he called to tell me he is safe. The trip went well. He did not get much sleep but then again neither did I.

So the adventure begins. I have so much to do to get us all ready to go over there. the to do lists get longer everyday. I guess as things get closer they will get shorter. I hope anyway.

Today I think I am just going to focus on me and the kids. #1 Son has Kindergarten orientation tonight. He is so excited.

Well, I guess that is all I have to write about right now. So until next time...

Women the big questions...

2008-08-14T19:19:00.002-04:00

I am sitting here this evening, trying to recover from one of my worst days. You know, one of those days where nothing seems to go right. Well, today was that day for me. I am pondering all the changes we are going through and all the ones that came before. While standing out front this evening I was thinking about my struggles. I wonder if women are the same in any country? I look up the street and I can tell you a little something about any one of my neighbors. I am not a gossip, just to clarify. I just have befriended (on some level) just about everyone on my block. I know all the stay at home moms, the older lady across the street, of course DH's Aunt and Uncle. My closest friends are my two next door neighbors. I could not have asked for better neighbors or friends. So, anyway I thought to myself, I wonder if women are the same in every country? Will I meet other moms who struggle to keep a tidy house? Will there be a neighbor who I can be a real friend with? Will the kids race up and down the block on their bikes? Will our dreams be the same? It is kind of surreal to think about transplanting my family in to another country, another culture. I am thrilled at the opportunity. But I am terrified by the thought of yet another change! I feel like I am being totally selfish. It is hard to help my kids deal with losing their friends. On top of that it is so expensive to ship stuff over there we are having to get rid of all our stuff that is not essential! Seriously, I talked myself into thinking I was OK with this but deep down I am screaming NO!!! I am not a materialistic person at all. But for some reason I have attached sentimental value to my possessions. There are little silver linings in all of this darkness. On Sunday we had a family BBQ as a send off for my hard working husband. It was really a nice party. After the party Auntie S called me to ask me if the kids and I would stay with her and Unkie D from the 1st of October until the kids and I leave. Hopefully that will be in mid October. I was so overwhelmed. At first I said that would be too much for them, but she assured me that this is what they want to do. So, that took the edge off how I was supposed to pack the things we are taking and sell everything else. Now I can move the kids and I across the street and close my house more easily. It also solved the dilemma about #1 Son going to school. I registered him yesterday. I wrestled this one over and over again. It seemed pointless to register him for school when he is only going to be here until October. But then on the other hand I could not skip it because his little heart would be broken. School is all he has talked about for a year now. My head is spinning! There is so much to think about. I could sit here and list out all the pros and cons. But none of that really matters because we are committed to this now and there is no turning back. It is sink or swim at this point.
Back to thinking about other women. Do we all struggle so deeply and present our selves as strong, fearless and flawless? Are other women like me where it seems like things are going along smoothly and BAM!!! out of no where life shifts. When the dust settles it seems like here I am holding all together, again. See what I mean about it being a down day? I know the sun will come out tomorrow and all that jazz. But today I am gloomy and very Eeyore like.

Until next time...

The great adventure begins...

2008-08-07T11:29:00.002-04:00

The days are going by so quickly now. Remember being a kid and time moved so slowly? What happened? Is time really this fast or what? I miss the carefree days of being a child. I know everyone tells you not to grow up too fast. I wish I had listened. But none of that can change now. Unless I built a time machine...oh wait that can't happen either. Oh well, I will just have to suck it up and know that before I can blink my husband will be on a plane to Germany and I will be left here holding down the fort. Well, not only holding down the fort, but packing it up, growing through all our worldly possessions, sorting, storing, packing and traveling. Not to mention the fact that I will be taking an international flight with four children six years old and under! Whew!!! I am tired just thinking about it. I am not complaining though. I know this is how it has to be. I am ok with it. Really I am. I am just overwhelmed. I wonder is there an award for people who stay constantly under stress (of the unusual sort)? Maybe I will come up with one. I wonder sometimes I am the only one who has such a crazy life? Oh I love this crazy life! I wouldn't trade these opportunities for anything. It is just that it is a lot of work. Ok I think my first step is to create some lists. Yeah, that sounds good. If I list out everything I need to get done then maybe just maybe I can get it all done?!?!? I will try anyway....

Ok so I am off to make a few lists.

Stay tuned for more after the break.

Blocked

2008-08-05T11:21:00.003-04:00

Well I should be cleaning my house (as usual). I am domestically challenged and a procrastinator. When I realized how long it has been since I posted, I thought to myself how did that happen? A whole month with no words from me? Well, life has gotten in the way recently. I wish I was better at writing here. Kind of like diaries though, I always have good intentions but I get distracted. Recently though I have felt like there is not too much to share.

I do have big news!!! We will be moving (yet again). This move however, will be a lot different. We will be moving to Germany for three years! That's across an ocean! I could blog about my fears, anxieties, excitement, and just plain feelings of being overwhelmed. Not sure if that would be good reading though. DH has been given a GREAT opportunity to back on contract. I am excited that we will get to show our children the world! At the same time though I am terrified! It all seems like too much. #1son will be starting school in a few weeks and sometime during Kindergarten he will have to move to another country! That is not exactly what I had in mind for this year. I have prayed about it a lot. I know that this is what God has planned for our family. Things are working out too well for any other thought to take hold. This is such a great thing for us. But it also means packing (again), flying with four kids trans continental, saying good bye to too many friends and family members, getting better at blogging so I can stay in touch....and the list goes on and on...

For now I am just trying to tackle one step at a time. Depending on God for direction.

There will be more blogging about this I am sure...

Until next time...

Perspective

2008-06-20T10:26:00.003-04:00

Perspective is reality or at least that is what is seems. Maybe the saying goes your perspective is your reality. In my new found desire to stay positive it is more difficult today than at any other time. Maybe because negativity has become such a habit. r maybe just this once the reality is that I am hurt and feel used. I had a friend or at least someone I was a friend to that has used me and made me question myself and my ability to judge people's character. Some things never change. It seems as though I always find a way to make friends with people who do not hold themselves to the same standard as me. Maybe this is what the Bible truly means about being unequally yoked. I am trying to figure out how so many other people I know are able to see people for what they truly are. Is this because of some internal monitoring system that they are born with? Or is a learned skilled because they too have been hurt enough to recognize flaws in other before they are hurt? I wish with all my heart that I could see these kind of things coming before they catch me off guard. How do you learn something like that? If it is life's experiences that teach you then how come I am so dumb in this area? Is an internal need to be liked? Is it just stupidity? I seem to repeat the same patterns over and over again. I am not saying that ALL my friends have turned out to be users or that all my friends have hurt me. But when it does happen I am always shocked and confused. DH tells me all the time that other people do not care about anyone but themselves. And where I think that is a very negative way to view people, it seems he may just be right. Or at least in 50% of the cases he is close to right. So what do I do? Stop caring about people? That is like asking me to change who I am. How do I learn to care but keep myself safe? I know these are all questions that have no exact answers and that seems to compound my problem. Am I destined to repeat the same events time and again until I learn to recognize the character flaws of others? Or do I just decided that being alone is better than associating with those who would hurt me again and again? Of course these are all deeply personal issues and I probably should not put all this out on the internet for everyone to know. But I am hoping that I am not the only person that this keeps happening to. Maybe I am not the one with problem. DH tells me that this is not my fault and that whoever blames me has problems of their own. My question is do people who exhibit these patterns actually seek out people who they view as easy targets or is it more innocent than all of that? I know this is not the most uplifting post I have ever written but I want to be honest about where I am today. Maybe all of this is God's way of getting me to get on my knees and seek Him. It's worth a try. I have nothing else to loose. So maybe in my rambling I have found the answer I needed to know today. I will try once again to take my concerns to God. I know sound skeptical. Please don't judge me for that. I am where I am in my walk and maybe I need to just step out of my comfort zone (which is not very comfortable today anyway) and get back to what I know.

My perspective can change I think but does that mean the reality was not what I thought all along?

Until next time I will humble myself and see where that gets me in this journey...

Diamonds in the dust

2008-06-18T10:01:00.002-04:00

It's amazing how when you give someone an opportunity (or the benefit of doubt) you may discover a diamond in the dust. That is what has happened to me. I have a new found friendship with someone whom I thought might be able to be a friend for a while. It is funny because she and I have much more in common than I ever would have thought. Yet, for several months we let another person in our lives keep us from connecting. How silly is that? Due to some interesting and unforeseen circumstances we both had an opportunity to talk and clear the air and now we realized that we could be very good friends. It's amazing to me that another person was able to manipulate the situation so that each of us thought the other did not like each other. I am thankful that I have learned over the years to take people at face value. If not I would have missed out on a diamond in the dust. Just another example of looking for the good in every situation.

Summer time is upon us and I am enjoying the ability to be out and about. We have not bought a new car yet. But I still feel a sense of excitement that there is so much to do outdoors. We are experiencing a break in the heat wave. It is so pleasant this week temperatures are in the 70's which is so much better than heat indexes that hit 105! It is time to be outside more! Forget about the house (mostly) and get outdoors! That is my new motto.

Today we are off to go swimming at Mommom Jen's. My kids love going over there to play and swim. Her house rocks. I think that it is so awesome that we are living so far from my home and family and yet so many people have invited us into their families and take such care to be there for us. It makes everything so much easier. I am not nearly as home sick as I was last summer. I am finding that when you bloom where you are planted great things happen.

My best friend just bought her first house! I am so proud of her and happy for her! She (of all people) deserves this! She has worked so hard for years now as a single mom to three kids. She has put up with so much crap and now she is finally reaping the rewards of hard work and perseverance. So give it up for my BF!! She deserves a round of applause and congratulations!!

On the home front (meaning how are the kids doing), Princess Fairheart is giving kisses! Yes, it is fabulous! I love it when your baby goes from just accepting all your love to reciprocating it! She just started giving kisses this week. She has been hugging us for a while but the kisses are like icing on a cake! She is also trying really hard to learn to walk. It is hysterical. She can take only a few steps at a time right now. When she falls down on her hiney though she looks up to see who is watching and then she claps her hands together and squeals. It is just too cute.
Weewee is turning into such a sweet little girl. She has a best friend now. That is the sweetest thing I have ever witnessed. They talk about EVERYTHING. They walk around holding hands and sharing secrets. They make up songs together and try to spend every waking minute together. It really helps that her BF lives right next door.
#1 Son spend all of his time trying be a grown up. He is 5 going on 25! He thinks he knows everything. As frustrating as it is at times I am totally thankful that he is so sure of himself. He also has a best friend but it is much different for boys. They spend most of their time beating the crap out of each other and then crying if they are separated from each other!?!?! I don't get it but I guess that is how boys are.
BB is making little to no progress in the potty training arena. I am not letting myself stress about it though. I figure he will get it sometime between now and kindergarten. He is becoming quite independent though. We have to keep a really close eye on him at all times because he has been sneaking out of the house when no one is looking! He is too quick sometimes. So we added child proof handles to our front and back doors. Hopefully he won't be able to figure them out. We'll see.

Nothing is better than being their Mom and I am truly thankful to have them. Thank God for my little ones to fill my days with love, work and the unexpected.

Until next time...

Car shopping

2008-06-16T09:19:00.003-04:00

Saturday DH and I went car shopping. Shocking, I know! Especially since for 2 and a half years I have said "No way no how!!" to any form of car shopping. Not because I don't want a new car. Because believe me I do. But because I hate having a car payment. It is so stressful. I have loved owning our car and knowing that no matter what it is mine. I loathe paying a bank more than what a car is worth for the privilege of driving it and having to repeat the process over and over again every couple of years. With that said I had a thought that maybe we should start looking for a newer car. DH was talking about how much money we needed to spend to make our two vehicles run right and comfortably. UGH!!! That seemed like a waste. I mean let's face it my van is almost 8 years old! It has no air conditioning. It will cost around $900 to fix the air (that is an estimate that is 2 years old by the way). The transmission is messing up. I keep missing gears I think. It sounds like it needs new fuel injectors, brakes and some kind of turning arm. It has 133,000 + miles on it. Oh yeah and it is really hard to get in and out of (possibly the very last van to come off the assembly line with only one sliding door). I am killing myself trying to buckle children into car seats. DH's truck is an even sadder story. It is OLD OLD OLD, UGLY and LOUD. He hates it. The windshield needs to be replaced as well as the front grill. The interior is really ugly. But it runs OK. I would rather trade DH's truck in toward a new car. That way he can drive my old van and we have two vehicles that the rug rats can fit in. But it looks like we may trade the van in because it is worth more. I am waiting to hear from the banks today to see if we will be able to get the loan.

Oh I need to back up and tell you about the the new van and our test drive. We went to a local car lot and talked to a sales guy who showed us a Chrysler Touring since we are interested in a Dodge Grand Caravan (we have a Caravan now). They didn't have the Caravan on that lot so we looked at the Chrysler (supposed to be nearly the same vehicle in style). It is a 2007 and very nice! It has duel sliding doors and air conditioning! I was sold immediately! Oh yeah and it has power EVERYTHING! Another upgrade from my van. So we loaded up the children and took it for a test drive. It drives very nicely. Lots of power! DH liked that. While on the test drive DH asked if we should get the little ones a drink (since they were still hot and thirsty from the drive over to the car lot) I agreed and we went through a drive through window. The plan was to get the drinks and switch so I could drive back to the dealership. That was the plan until DH hit a 12" piece of cement barrier as we were pulling out of the drive through lane! He was so mad. We pulled into a parking space and he got out to look at the damage. There was damage! Oy Vey! So DH marched into the chain restaurant and probably said some really nasty things to the manager. Because it was a totally unmarked and impossible to see curb (based on the number of marks on it we were definitely not the first to hit it nor the last I am sure). So needless to say DH drove back to the dealership and let the salesman know we had damaged the vehicle. Mean while Weewee was crying because her drink spilled when Daddy hit the curb. BB was crying because he did not want his car seat in the new vehicle (he hates change) and Princess Fairheart was using her loud voice to let us know she was still there. I was getting a headache and wondering what kind of idiots take three of their four children to a car dealership with them!?!? In the end we are still going to get a good deal on the van and the dealership is going to fix the damage at no cost to us! I am very hopeful that I will get a call today that we are approved for a loan to get the new van. At a rate that we can afford. Hopefully it will all work out. I know that if God wants us to get a new vehicle then we will get it. If not in my heart I am still thankful for the one I have. I am content. I have already survived two summers without air and will make it through another as well. So either way I am happy and content.

Until next time...

Tragedy

2008-06-12T22:15:00.003-04:00

Does it ever seem like several days have attacked you at one time? I read that on a bumper sticker once and now I think I know what that feels like. Can you believe that half of the year is already behind us. I gave up on New Year's resolutions several years ago and now with the way time is flying I am glad I did.

So it seems that I am at yet another crossroads in my life. I am trying a new approach. Well, not really a new approach but just refreshing my natural optimism, or something like that. A positive attitude goes a long way, you know. I am reminding myself to look for the good and maybe just maybe I will find it where ever I look. I am approaching friendship the way I did too many years ago to mention. When I was young I was the encourager. Not the complainer. Somewhere along life's road I took a detour and lost my way. In recent years I think I have become a more and more negative person. Not all the time mind you, just a lot more often than I used to be. To be totally honest I am not very fond of the negativity I have been displaying lately. I think that when a person acts in a way that is contrary to their nature the behavior is amplified.

I will get back to positive thinking in just a little while. While I was writing this post last night my dear friend and neighbor was going through the most unreal situation. Her best friend (since college) lost her mind yesterday. She went to her ex husband's home and shot her own son! Allegedly she lost a court fight to have a protection from abuse order (PFA) lifted and visitation granted. The judge told her she needed to get her self straightened out and then he would hear the case again at a later date. So, this woman marched right through that PFA and tried to break into her ex's home but when she found only her oldest child there and he would not let her in the door she shot him (through the door) and then broke in. The son was able to escape out the front door and a passing motorist gave him a ride to a shopping center where he called police. This is one of those things you see in the movies or on the news this kind of thing does not happen in your life! I am so shocked! My friend is in an utter state of shock! This was a woman who spent the past thirteen years of her life at home raising her children! I have met her a half dozen times or so and she always talked about how much she loved her kids and wanted to get them back. She never seemed like a dangerous person. It is such a sad sad story. I hope something good can come from this. I know God can use any situation to bring people to him. I just pray that she gets the help she needs and that her family can heal from this devastating event. I know it will take time and even then only God's grace can give the healing and peace that they need. So, please pray for not only the mom who shot her son but also for my friend "Teeny Tee" and her family. These two ladies have been friends for a long long time. Their children have been raised together and the shock is too much for my friend.

Until next time....

Faith begins with one event...

2008-06-07T11:51:00.003-04:00

I can't believe another week has sped by. We live in a time of such haste and waste. Remember when you were young and time dragged on and on. It seemed like forever till Christmas (which by the way is only 28 weeks away). Remember how we would start school in the fall and a lifetime (or so it seemed) would pass before summer vacation rolled around again. I want time to slow down like that again. I remember my parents telling me to slow down and enjoy my youth because it is so fleeting. I wish I had understood. Maybe it takes being a parent to get it. Maybe age just changes time for us. I am not quiet sure. But here we are a week gone by and too many things to get done in ten lifetimes. I wonder if the people who lived in Bible times ever felt like 100 years passed too quickly. Could you imagine? What if our lives lasted as long as people's lives lasted in those days?

OK enough pondering impossibilities.

I want to share how God works n mysterious ways. I know I am not as "spiritual" as I once was. I know some of you are praying for me to find my way back home. Thank you! So, maybe I took the first step on the road home last night. In February my family and I moved into a new home. It is a rental (much to DH's dislike). We live right across the street from DH's Aunt and Uncle. The house is just the right size. We are one of only a few homes in this development that has two bathrooms and an addition of a family room/den. It is such a God thing because originally when we knew this house was empty the rent they wanted for it was way out of our budget. So we never really gave it too much thought. DH's Aunt and Uncle kept trying to get us to look at it but we knew we could not afford it. SO a couple of months went by and the house was still unoccupied. DH thought there must be something really wrong with the house but I convinced him that it would not hurt to look at it. Since we were all living in a one bedroom apartment and I was about to loose my mind. When we came here to look at the property the agent really tried to talk us out of renting it, It was the weirdest thing I have ever seen. She told us everything she could think of that was wrong with the house and then some. Looking back I think she has her eye on the property to buy and flip. But we were not dissuaded because the price for the rent had dropped to well below what was originally asked and well with our price range. We were thrilled. I was glad to have family across the street. We quickly met our next door neighbors and found out they have three children and the younger two are the same ages as my older two. The husband actually knows DH's step father. He babysat DH's step brothers when they were little and grew up with DH's step father and his siblings. Delaware is a very small place. We have since become really good friends with our neighbors. We never really tried to reach out to the neighbors to the left of us though. Maybe because he is a State Trooper and with our crazy dysfunctional extended family cops just are not the first people we pick for friends. So our trooper neighbor and his wife have three kids. A boy who is ten and twin girls that are three. We have always been friendly but never really taken the opportunity to really get to know them. #1Son loves to play with their little boy since he older though sometimes I limit their playtime. But recently (since our puppies came along) we have seen more and more of each other. Just casually in the yard talking for a few minutes here and there. The trooper's wife is a lovely lady who runs ragged because her twins are a handful. Earlier this week their son (I'll call him Lil B) came over and told me his Grandfather had passed away in FL. I sent my condolences and offered my help in any way that it might be needed. Well, Trooper went to FL to take care of arrangements and left K (his wife) home with their kids. All week has been a huge challenge for her. I watch her struggle to contain her girls and manage everything with out her man here to help. offer several times to help her but never get took up on the offer. Until last night she came home and her lawn needed lots and lots of care. I took the twins and let them swim in our little pool and play in the sand box while she cut the grass (DH offered to do it for her but she refused). While cutting the grass Mrs E (older lady across the street) came over with her self propelled mower and set to work the help K. It was amazing how we all came together to help a neighbor who needed a hand. After the lawn was done and I had bathed my children and her twins. We all gathered in her back yard for a little impromptu bon fire weeny roast and marshmallow roast. The kids had so much fun. I made a new friend. K and I stayed up all night (3:30 am) talking on her patio. We shared so many things. It was amazing that God had placed her in my life at just the right moment. We talked about faith and trust in God. Struggles in friendship and marriage. You name it we talked about it and easily! I am so amazed that this family I had decided not to befriend based on an idea of who they might be has turned out to possibly be the reason we moved here in the first place. I saw God working in and through her last night. I can not possibly explain how much our conversations effected me. I know was time set aside for God to really speak to me and to remind me of His unending love for me. It was also a time for me to reflect on my responsibilities as a child of God and a mother and wife. In those hours spent getting to know K and her enormous faith, unjudging spirit, and love, I was remind of who I am. I am barely able to put it into words. I know the ripple effects of last night will be felt in my spirit for years to come. I know more than ever that we live right where God wants us to be. I am excited and scared. I know my journey home started last night.

There are other events I could write about today. Mundane musings of motherhood. Ponderings of the great unknown and such things. But this faith journey of my life clearing a path I have not walked in a long time. It may not be an easy walk. In fact I know it will not be. But I feel a peace in my heart that I have not had in years and years. What is God calling me to do? To be? I don't know the answers yet. But I feel peace and love today for the first time in so lone. I am basking in that knowledge.

2008-06-02T11:26:00.003-04:00

Oh joy it's Monday again! And it is the first day of June. This is my favorite time of the year. No more frost. Warm (sometimes hot) beautiful days! And the promise of an active and fun summer. What's not to love!

I spent the weekend spring cleaning. Oh what fun! I am in the mood to purge again! We have entirely too many toys. I think I am more emotionally attached to them that than the children are. I am actively trying to get over it! Today we will try to get rid of more toys! Yep it is a lofty goal, but one that has to happen. So the dilemma is do I pack the toys up and store them in the attic? Or do I just bite the bullet and give them away? Decisions decisions...I think I will just start at the beginning and start packing them up. How many toys are enough? It's funny because I don't even think they play with all the toys but I seem to be cleaning them up all the time. Kind of like dishes that reproduce while the lights are off.

Next weekend I am hoping we will get to pull our carpet out. It really needs to be done and there are beautiful hard woods under the carpet in the main part of the house. We have an addition (a family room (playroom) and bathroom with adjoining mudroom. No hard woods under there though. That carpet is pretty gross but it will just have to be cleaned until we can figure out what to do in there. I would like to find a couple of area rugs to cover the living room and dining room. Maybe not the dining room. It's a big project and DH wants to finish the front yard and garden before starting on the inside of the house. I think I am a little selfish cause I would rather have the inside done first. But I get it, people drive by and see our house everyday and form opinions about us because of how the house looks from outside. So I am compromising.

On the home front, my children are LOVING the nice weather! It is so fabulous that they can play outside all day and come in totally filthy and exhausted! They have helped there Daddy plant the garden (DH believes he has finally found his "happy place"). We are restless about getting to go swimming. We have a couple of offers from different family members who own pools. So in order to not overwhelm them we will be taking turns as to whose house we will hang out and swim at :) Princess Fairheart turned 1 last months and is still not interested in walking. Maybe it is because she is the baby?!?! All the other kids walked on or before their 12th month of life. She also still only has 2 teeth. She seems to be trying to cut a couple teeth on top but no luck yet. However, she refuses to eat baby food. She gums down whatever we are eating. She gets really upset if someone bigger than her has something else to eat. Don't you dare give her any mushed up, pureed, nasty flavorless food. She wants the real thing! So far I have found very few things my little princess will not eat. #1Son is five and a half going on 35! I swear he thinks he calls all the shots! And arguing with EVERYTHING! When did he decided to be a temper tantrum thrower! It is exhausting me. I am tired of fighting about EVERYTHING! Everything that does not go his way is "NOT FAIR!!!" UHG!! BB is talking so well. Most people look at me like I am crazy when I tell them he is only 2 and a half. The other day we were having cake at Auntie S's and he turned around (with his mouth half full) and told her "this cake is deeeeelisssiusss!" Delicious can you believe his vocabulary? He surprises me all the time with words he uses. He is definitely going through the tenacious two's! He thinks he is the boss of everything! Weewee and I are going this afternoon for a Mommy and Weewee day. We are going to get our manicures and pedicures! DH's cousin does nails and has offered to give us mani's and pedis...YAY!! I am so thankful for the gift because with four kids in tow I never really get to splurge on such indulgences.

So, I am off to purge a bunch of toys, referee several arguments and just be mom...don't you wish you had my day ahead of you?!?!?

2008-05-30T12:54:00.002-04:00

This has been such a fun week. Weewee told me on Tuesday that she is so happy to have our family "be one big family again!" Daddy being on day shift has been wonderful for us! There is so much more family time now. Our life is getting back into a good routine. I am amazed by the difference after just one week. DH has been helping around the house and in the garden. It is taking a lot of stress off of me. Even today when I am not in the best of moods. I know things are getting better.

Little lessons:

Changing children's bedrooms around is almost too much work for one Mommy. But well worth it for a little more organization.

Children each have their own little quirks. You have to take the good with the bad and keep on smiling.

Two year olds who are potty training love to get naked randomly through out the day. Watch out for peepee pull ups randomly hidden in the house.

Cats love to drink from a freshly cleaned toilet bowl! What is up with that.

9 puppies, 1 dog, 1 cat, 4 children, 1 cousin, and 1 husband makes it really hard to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

Until next time...

One day at a time...

2008-05-27T10:49:00.003-04:00

After the busiest weekend (so far) I am spending the first day of DH's new day shift sitting here being way too lazy!!

This weekend we had so much fun. NO DRAMA! Lots of activities and I even managed to get most of my children spend one night away with Grammy!

DH came home Thursday night to inform me that he was going to day shift starting Tuesday!! Hooray! We have been waiting so long to have our life back! He has been trying to get on day shift for about 3 months now and finally his company transferred him! So our routine will be back up and running and our life might get back to normal. We do so much better when he works days. I don't feel so alone in raising our children . We all get to enjoy more of his awake time and all he has to sacrifice is a few cents on hour in his pay grade. It is really a win win situation!

Knowing that he was moving to day shift made our weekend so much more fun. DH did not feel like he had to get as much sleep as possible over the weekend. So he was available to do a bunch of things have been on his "Honey do List". YAY! We got our yard looking much better. The only thing to make it better will be when we actually get to put in grass in the front yard. Yes, we have a dirt pit out there. Last year the reality company had 5 trees removed from the front yard because their 50 year old roots had penetrated the sewer system. The city would not replace the sewer lines until the trees were gone. And the contractor left a huge mess behind! We have mostly dirt and mulch in the yard right now. Being the perfectionist that he is, DH wants to re level the front yard and drop a dump truck full of topsoil out there before we plant grass. Right now the weeds are starting to take over but who cares since all that will change as soon as we get going on the restoration of our yard.

We spent a good part of Friday a Saturday working outside. Saturday I took the older kids down to their Grammy's house (she is leaving for an extended trip to California today) because the kids wanted to spend time with her before she goes away. It was so nice to clean the house on Sunday because there was no one to go behind me all day and mess it back up! I only got 3/4 of the way done with all I had to do but it was still worth it! I am hoping that while DH is on days my cleaning routine will get back in shape.
On Sunday we went to a BBQ at Grammy's house. Miracle that it was! We had such a great time. It was so nice to have a family gathering where there was no drama! We don't often get to do that with DH's Mom's side of the family. It was refreshing and gave me hope that we can build a nicer future with them. We came home kind of late on Sunday but that just meant the kids slept in on Monday morning. Which was good because I have been so sleepy lately. We got up on Monday and I decided that since it was a holiday and it was so pretty outside I would let the kids fill up their little pool and play in the water. My children had the greatest time playing outside ALL day long. In the early afternoon we headed across the street to Unkie D's and Auntie S's house for a block party. OK, so it was not the whole block that got invited (only the people we really like being around). The kids all had a great time. Auntie S had prizes for them. There were supposed to be games but what can I say I was a slacker so we just gave them the toys she bought and turned them loose in the yard. They had their pool, 100 water balloons, squirt guns, pogo sticks, balls, jacks, bubbles, noisy whistles, little gross things that either crawl down walls or grew in water!! It was so much fun. WE had great food, good drinks and awesome company! We decided that we have to have a lot of cookouts this summer.

Yesterday was the HOTTEST day of the year! I got cooked alive. How is it that I always remember to put tons of sunscreen on my kids and all the neighborhood kids but never on myself! I am baked and not in the good way ;) Since it was so hot during the day (and we don't have any air conditioning) it was sweltering in my house last night. I don't think I ever got cooled off. I woke up this morning thinking seriously we could use a little cool down. SO it is overcast today but very humid and not helping the house feel cooler. I am steady praying for a cool breeze.

On another note pray for DH he is applying for a job in Germany. We are really hoping he gets it. We would love to take the kids over there for a couple of years while they are still little. It is a great opportunity. When we come back (if we get to go) we will be able to buy a house and make such a better life for our family. His best friend has been there for about 3 years already and we would love to see him again. I don't want to get too excited about it but Justin just told us today that they are officially hiring for Germany and so we have submitted DH's resume for consideration!

OK so before the children destroy the entire house again I have to run for now....

Until next time...

What am I flypaper for freaks?

2008-05-21T09:28:00.002-04:00

My life has been filled with drama as usual. I am wondering today why I attract people who have so many problems. And how do their problems always end up influencing my life. I have a friend who I had to take to a detox facility two nights ago. I am the kind of person who always makes it very clear to people that I am a very conservative, honest value based person. Yet, it seems like lately the people in my life want to share their deep dark secrets with me. People should realize that I can not and will not keep a dangerous secret! So, don't tell me you have problem with drugs if you don't want me to help you get out of that situation! One of my really good friends confided in me that she had a problem with prescription drugs. It took me a whole week to see how bad the problem really was! I think she probably let me know because deep down she knew I would require more of her than anyone else has. I am glad I am her friend and I am glad that I was here to help her. She is in detox right now. And she will probably have to go on to a long term rehab program. I am proud of her for being so brave! She has lost somethings that are very dear to her. She lost her fiance'. She is on her way to losing her child. Not to mention her job and life style. All because she had an accident two years ago and a doctor prescribed pain killers. She got hooked. It is so amazing to me that something so simple has stolen her life. She is addicted to pain killers. She has turned into a person that even she does not recognize. It is so sad. Yet at the same time now that she realizes ha=ow badly it has effected her life she really wants help. I am proud of her for that. I am glad I am her friend. I am torn about lost about how to help someone who is in trouble like this. I know honesty is the best policy so I try to always be truthful with her no matter how much it might hurt her feelings. Finding a balance between helping someone and letting their problems consume them is a hard thing to do.
I don't know why I am even posting this topic. Maybe it is because I know this kind of problem is becoming an epidemic in our country. Good people go to doctors for help and become drug addicts! It is such an awful thing to go through. I wish there was more I could do to help her. I pray for her and I am here to support her.

I told my husband the other day that it breaks my heart to get close to people anymore. Because it seems like every time I get a good friend she turns out to have more problems than I can handle. Is that selfish of me? I wonder. Really I think more than anything maybe people seek me out for my honesty. Maybe just maybe God leads them into my life so that I will use the gifts He gave me to help people. It amazes me that I am not an addict and I have been really sheltered from the lifestyle, yet more people have walked into my life in the past couple of years that have a drug problem than I could have ever imagined. I wonder if this is what I am supposed to do with my life...help people get into recovery. I guess I will just continue to make myself available and see what happens.

On another note. I have only my kids at home this week. It feels so weird! I am loving spending time with just my babies. We are having lots of time to snuggle, play, work on our learning and just plain have a good time.

Little lessons:

1. Two year olds will bargain with you (if you let them) BB goes to timeout and he begs and begs and begs to be let out. " I gon baheve myself" (whiny voice) " I be niiiiiiiccce I pwmise" And then we cut to a broken hearted crying spell when I do not immediately let him out of being punished.

2. Puppies are pretty resilient little buggers. Again, BB does not understand how to handle a puppy. So we don't let him just go in there and pick them up. But in the past two days he keeps sneaking into the puppy box and picking them up. But whenever their little puppy claws scratch him he throws the pup down or shakes it. To my horror! So he has spent way too much time in time out begging to be let back out.

3. Puppies are too cute but I sure wish they would all get sold!

4. Buying a 5lb bag of pistachios at Costco is a great deal unless your children decided to help themselves to several servings and leave the shells lying everywhere. One year olds love to choke on anything and I do mean anything that they can put in their mouths! So pistachio shells are a huge problem!

5. I have learned that if it is rainy and overcast outside...give it up...no house work will get done. No one will get along for more than 5 minutes at a time. And kids need to play outside everyday to burn off enough energy to sleep well.

6. A good bedtime routine does wonders for children! Every night we sing a song together. I stole it from one of my favorite books. It goes like this " I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I am living, my baby you'll be" My kids have taken to singing it back to me. They change the words to say "as long as I am living my mommy you'll be" It makes me teary eyed every time.

So that is a brief glimpse into our world...

Till next time...

Birthday Party

2008-05-19T11:04:00.004-04:00

I am the first to admit that I am severly lacking when it comes to giving my children birthday parties. I personally wish we did not have to indulge in this tradition. Not because I am a scrooge. But because I am a procrastinator by nature and it seems like birthdays just sneak up on me and before you know it they are a year older and a party short. So this year I sent out invitations via text message or phone call and one email. Yes I am definately part of the information generation because it never even occurred to me to buy invitations and send them out. Not only that but I called people on Wednesday to come to a party on Sunday. Yeah giving notice is not my strong suit either. So...with that said I pulled off a decent party. All the kids had fun! I got to hang out with people I love and care about and my daughter got to have a 1st Birthday party (which she will not remember). Unlike her big brother who has yet to have a party for his birthday and he is two and a half! I know I am a bad mother!!! Oh well, I think I am going to give him a big "UNBirthday" Party this summer. Wish me luck with that one!

2008-05-14T09:01:00.000-04:00

Check out my new post here it's been awhile!

Princess Fairheart turns 1 year old today!

2008-05-14T08:24:00.005-04:00

I can not believe that one year ago today I checked into Brandywine Hospital and became a Mommy for the fourth time! Looking back I was so nervous that they would not induce my labor, because I had had the flu and was still feeling quite puny. But I checked in at 6:30 am and by 9:30 am my beautiful daughter had entered the world and changed our lives forever. This daughter of mine is the sunshine that wakes me in the morning! She is an utter joy to all. She is so smart and funny and individual. She is the baby and she knows it. I am glad she is a snuggly person. She loves to rock and sing and spend time being loved. She is not in a hurry to get anything done. She does everything at her own pace. And that is ok because she is so pleasant.
One year ago today I met this wonderful girl for the first time face to face. I knew then that she was amazing! She has taught me that even when life is stacked against you, it is all about the way you approach things. She has not complained once about having to sleep with bars on her shoes. She has never even acted like it bothers her...maybe because she doesn't know any better. But some Mom's with children who have clubbed feet say that their children hate the shoes. My baby never seems to notice.
She is fearless! Just look at this pic to see that. She is the first one of my children to climb out of a high chair. She is always climbing on something, beds, couches, chairs, toy boxes etc... She thinks she is big enough to play with the older children already and she gets mad when they don't include her. How dare them! She only has two teeth so far and she HATES baby food....won't eat it...acts like you are trying to kill her if you try to feed it to her...will only eat food from the table that looks like what everyone else is eating! She is definitely her own person.

It is kind of sad for me. Because I know she is my last baby. So that means I will never nurse another, never feel another kick me from inside, never get to live through the first year and all the amazing firsts of my own baby again. I have tried to cherish every moment, knowing they are all fleeting and I can never get them back. I already miss that new baby smell, the softness of their skin, the quietness of their days, the enjoyment of just watching them sleep. The closeness only a mom can feel when the baby is at your breast and your life is flowing into them and sustaining their needs.

I will miss babyhood! But I know we are on to more exciting things! Next up is taking those first steps and tomorrow she will be walking down the aisle and pledging her life to some one else. It happens just that fast!

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY Princess Fairheart! You are dearly loved and truly cherished! Try to stay my baby for a little longer, please!

2008-05-12T23:05:00.002-04:00

Mother's Day was so blessed! Well, I had a second thought before emerging from the bed. I could hear Weewee and BB arguing as soon as I woke up. But DH jumped out of bed and took over. I could hear him letting them have it for waking Mommy up on MOTHER'S DAY by fighting. Immediately they both came into my room, climbed up on my bed, and hugged me (repeatedly) and wished me a Happy Mothers day. Weewee brought me a stick from the yard that she and her friend had painted with nail polish and whiteout. I am still trying figure out when they did it? What the stick is for? And whether or not I was enthusiastic enough about it or not?!?! My kids were so sweet! My husband extra loving and I was reminded how much they really do love me. We spent the day with Auntie S, Unkie D, Her Mom (my kids call her Mom Mom) and their daughter (who is not yet a mommy herself). We had great food, good times and the best part was I did not have to cook all day long!!!! YAY!!!!

I am blessed woman an no matter what is wrong with my body I am loved! What a nice thing to know! I am thankful now more than ever for every minute (Yes, even when it snows Fruity Pebbles in the diningroom) fo my wonderful life!

I may need to be reminded now and again but I am a happy mom.

2008-05-10T14:52:00.004-04:00

So today I have spent WAY too much time playing in cyberspace! I am not one to just sit here in front of the computer all day long. BUT my feet hurt, my joints ache, it's overcast today (again), and I just feel lazy! It's my day off. Finally, I have only my own children at home. It is relatively quiet (BB is napping), #1son outside finding things to interest his mind, Weewee is going back and forth between outside and watching TV, and Princess FH is singing a little song to herself while picking up a variety of toys to play with for 30 seconds at a time. DH slept in and is in a great mood. How blissful to just spend a Saturday at home with no expectations.

Is two cups of coffee, a slice of cheese and a nibble of taco good nutrition? Probably not. I have been doing weight watchers for three weeks now (well almost three weeks). I have lost 4.8 lbs. Not as much as I thought I would lose but still something. I have been doing really well on it. Until 2 days ago, when my dinner was probably enough points to equal a whole day!! Then I snacked too much yesterday! So, I better get my butt in gear over the weekend or I will have gained my 4.8 back! UGH!!!

I wish I had a magic wand. I would do great things with it! I promise ;) First I would wave it over myself and give myself back my 17 year old body! Then I would use it to clean my house and declutter everything. Next I would wave it over my 2001 Dodge Caravan and magically it would update to the most recent version of the Caravan with all the bells and whistles! After that I would wave it over my children so that they would become the most well mannered, clean, respectful and kind people. DH would get a wave to. He would lose his ADHD and become a most productive person who can concentrate. If I am not too tired after all that work I would start "fixing" the world!

It's a nice dream, huh? Oh well, guess I will just have to be content with what I have!

Little lessons:

All owies (booboos, ouchies) must have a bandaid! No matter that there is no blood, no broken skin, no visible sign of injury! A bandaid has magical powers to stop the crying and fix the owie. We went through 3 boxes of bandaids this week!

$20 dollars in gas will no longer give me more than an quarter of a tank of gas. An quarter of a tank of gas will get me to Grammy's house and half way back! Better find things to do at home or with in walking distance.

Going for a kindergarten physical with a 5 (and a half) year old boy is a grand adventure! #1son and I had a great time just spending time together yesterday.

If you really listen to the imaginative play of above mentioned 5 year old, you will be amazed at the hysterical things he thinks of. Like his pediatrician's name is Dr. Kuhn (koon) but #1son could only figure out how to call him Dr. Cocoon! And he sat in the exam room waiting and waiting and waiting some more for the doc to come in. So finally after about 20 minutes #1son started loudly calling out "Dr Cocoon! Dr Cocoon! We are in here! In case you forgot! Are you coming Dr Cocoon?" I quietly told him (several times) that the Doc's name is Kuhn! And to please stop calling for him he will be in as soon as possible. That did not deter my son from his antics. So for more than 30 minutes we waited and he had a loud conversation (intending to bring the doc in sooner) with the four walls of that exam room.

#1son is apparently healthy, developmentally sound and ready for kindergarten. Now to just get him to understand that he can not start classes until the fall.

Until next time...

2008-05-08T10:45:00.005-04:00

So I went to the doctor yesterday. It went well. I have to say that it took me at least four hours after I got home to actually process what the doc had told me. I was so excstatic to hear that he does not think I have breast cancer, that I did not realize that he is concerned about skin cancer! And Rheumatoid arthritis or possibly Lyme's disease! I have to go for blood work and to a dermatologist. So now begins (what I am sure will be a drawn out process) of determining what if anything is wrong with me. I also have a severe flair up of tendinitis in my wrist and hand. So I need to ice it down for 60 minutes at a time several times a day and wear a splint! I am wondering did the doc even register the knowledge that I have four kids!?!? When am I supposed to sit still and ice down my wrist? Well, I guess I will try to fit that in too.

I am not nearly as frustrated with life as I was the other day. Which is a good thing! I have decided to give up my home based business. Much to the disappointment of my up line. I spent most of yesterday being lectured and coerced into making a different decision. I really don't understand some people. They call you friend as long as you are doing what they think you should but as soon as you make a decision to do what is right for you and your family you are not who they thought you were?!?!? OH WELL!! I have to spend this time taking care of my real and tangible responsibilities. I think this is just not the right time in my life to pursue a home based business. Yes, I would love to make the kind of money that they promised I would. But the time you have to put into something like this is WAY more than I can handle right now. I personally feel so much less stress now than I did two days ago. Mostly because I am not putting pressure on myself to meet goals for my business.

On the home front. I am so glad I decided not to give up on watching the two girls that I keep. I really weighed out the decision pros/cons the whole nine yards. And yes there are a lot of pros and cons but in the end it came down to my "why" was huge. I love these two little girls and it gives my kids some one else to play with. Is it more work? Yes of course it is. Do I feel overwhelmed daily? Yes I do! But at the end of the day I can tell myself that I have done something worth while. Something that will last a lifetime. I have invested in the 6 greatest kids on earth! (yep I am a little biased on that opinion)

So, now I have to learn to pick myself up by the boot straps and move forward. I can not let myself wallow in self pity. I am sure there will be days that are hard. But I also know that in order to live a happy and full life I have to tell myself I have a happy and full life. I really really do not want to miss out on my kids because I am too busy feeling sorry for myself to notice them. So from here on out (it might take me a while to build the habit) I am going to focus on the little lesson we learn everyday and the positive things our family is doing.

So our little lessons today (so far):

1. Leaving a 2 year old, one years old, and two 4 year olds alone in a playroom with a box of two week old puppies is a sure recipe for disaster! Inevitably someone will not be able to resist the charms of cute little puppies (who just opened their eyes yesterday)! In the span of 4 minutes a 2 year old squeezed a puppy, a four year old hit a puppy, and the one year old got in the box with the puppies! When asked the four year old said she hit the puppy because she was pretending to be a baby! OY VEY!

2. Leaving a "big girl" cup on the edge of the table is way to tempting to a one year old. Who took a shower in juice when she tried to pull it off the table.

3. This one was yesterday but worth mentioning. Daddys should never ever let little ones help trim trees. And then leave for work with out putting away all the tree trimming clippers! Yes, that's right my DH smart man that he is. Let #1son and Weewee "help" him trim some trees and bushes in our yard. When he left for work they decided (despite the very clear instructions he left with them to NOT touch any clippers or shears) to help him cut down trees. Thank God for little tattletale cousins who told on them. Or I would have never known until we were visiting our local children's hospital ER (yet again).

Happy milestones:

We are currently bribing BB with anything we think will work to get him potty trained. Currently the bribe is not only will he get stickers but he will get to go for a walk with his beloved Auntie S (that stands for SAINT). Although night before last he told Auntie S that if she peepeed and poopied on the potty all day he would take her for a walk. She informed him that she ALWAYS uses the potty. BB thought for a moment and he said then Unkie D has to use the potty. She laughed and told him that Unkie D always uses the potty. BB says no he doesn't and he can't go for a walk till he does. It was hysterical. BB is stuck between really wanting to be a big boy and really wanting to stay my baby.

#1son goes for his Kindergarten physical tomorrow! Hooray!! He is so so excited about it! He wants to go to school so badly. Unfortunately he doesn't quite get it that school will not start until after the summer. :)

Until next time...

2008-05-05T22:49:00.004-04:00

***** warning totally venting and feeling sorry for myself*******

Slowly but surely I am trying to get back into blogging. Wish I was a happier camper these days. Maybe I should write what is on my heart and mind and then go visit every one's blog...since I feel even sadder now. Which is weird because no one had any sad posts. I am beginning to wonder how long a postpartum depression can last? I have good days. Actually I even have REALLY good days. But for the past four days I have found very little to smile about. I try to tell myself that it is just a stage but it seems to be lasting a long time. Do you ever wonder if your whole life is just a big joke? I am wondering about lots of things lately. Is this a mid life crisis or maybe the beginning of one? I look at the lives of the people all around me and I think to myself; "My what fun they seem to be having" and the giant green monster starts to grow. I even asked DH the other day if he thought maybe his cousin could be right, that in a past life (which I do not even believe in) I must have been a really rotten person and this is my chance to get it right. I think about the theory of karma and wonder how mine could be so awful. Seriously! How did I find myself as the mother of 4? Wife to a crazy man? Daughter to a crazy lady? An extended family FULL of dysfunction? I was always the good girl. Always the one who did what was expected of me. Followed the rules. You know the stereotypical good girl! So what went wrong? What am I missing? I am so very overwhelmed in my life. I am so tired of trying to get it right and never making any progress. I know I must be getting somethings right since my kids have pretty good manners (I guess that is a rare thing in this part of the country). They behave decently in public. They all mostly sleep well. And they are all smart. Not sure I could really mess them up if I tried because they are so wonderful to begin with! But even though I know that, I am completely overwhelmed with fear and worry. I spend so much time wondering if one day they will tell me how I have ruined their life. Or did not love them well enough. I know all parents worry about how their kids will turn out. But to me I feel like this is kind of an extreme fear that I have. I have so many fears. Daily they seem to be affirmed lately.
I think one thing that has me down the most is that DH and I took these stupid personality tests online, over the weekend. I say they are stupid because even though the descriptions fit us to a tee! It showed that (from my perspective) there is no hope for us! We are listed as each others "enigma" a complete mystery to each other. While DH thinks this is great because he will always try to figure me out and there will always be mystery. I see it as a death sentence! Like someone has written it down that NOTHING will ever change and I am wasting my time. How can two people have such very very different views of the same thing? What is wrong with me that I am becoming such a negative person? I feel like my faith has diminished. My positivity is gone. My sadness is ruling everything. How did this happen? When does the fear go away? Who will I become after these trials and how hard will it get before it is over. I have never felt more out of control. I have never had more random things to worry about. And I have never been in a situation where I just don't have anyone to talk to. DH can not understand emotions. What is with men? Why can they not understand that women have emotions? Or is it that mine are just to raw these days. It seems like all of my friends have gotten too busy to be there for me. How is it that I can drop EVERYTHING at a moments notice if someone I love is in need. Yet when I stand here and scream for help no one comes to my aid? I think maybe I should give up the babysitting. DH thinks I have gotten myself in too deep. Secretly the rest of the family thinks so too. I really want to give up my business. Not because it is not working but because I can not give it my best.
I am so disappointed in my life. I am so sad that things are going this way. I feel like I am on a ride at the fair and it has run out of control. And everyone else is forced to sit on the sidelines and just watch the destruction.
I wish I did not care so deeply. I wish...
Well I just wish for peace in my whole being! When does the peace come. I am almost afraid to have that peace because I wonder what the price I will be required to pay will be.

OK, now I KNOW I am losing it! I am blogging all my deepest fears and thoughts for the whole world to read! I expect the men with the little white jackets to show up at any moment now.

I apologize for...well you know...I just don't what else to write...

SO until next time....

2008-05-02T22:56:00.006-04:00

OK I have tried to post a mesage at least 3 times in the past two weeks! When did my life get too full?

We now have 9 puppies! One dog! 4 children that are biologically mine! One cousin that comes to my house everyday! One little girl who comes a few times a week! A home based business! A HUSBAND! Close friends (cousins) ging through a divorce. A cousin that just moved out this past week. That was seriously WAY more drama than I ever needed! And no extra minutes in the day!

I have so many things on my mind and perfetly good outlet to get them said...yet I never find the time...no wonder my "Calgon" moments are few and far between these days!

I miss my blogger friends! I miss the quiet! How do you find e time to get the quiet times?

OK so the things I am thinking about tonight are:

1. I have doctor appointment next week (May 7th) I am not one to ever go to the doctor (except when I was pregnant). I had to finaly break down and make an appointment though. Mostly because my husband's Aunt (a nurse) has told me to do it! I am extremely worried. I don't usually worry about my own health. Yet here I am. I have to go get checked for breast cancer. Yes, you read right! It is all because I got an email recently from a dear sweet friend who passed along information about a newer for of breat cancer. It starts with a rash on your breast and typically goes undiagnosed until it is too late. I have had a strange rash on my breast for over a year now. I know I know why did I wait???? Well see the list of things above and mayb it will seem (like it has too me) that I have just been too busy! I guess it is really not a good excuse but I really have thought that the rash would just go away. The concerning thing is that the same breast has grown (sinificantly) larger than the other breaast this year. I kept telling myself that it was because I had a baby last year and nursed her. But things have gone on for too long now. I admit I am SCARED! I am 32 years old. I don't have time to be sick! I don't want to even think about what this will mean for my family. I thought I would have my husband's Aunt look at it last week and she would tell me that I had nothing to worry about. Not so! She took one look and said I needed to see the doctor ASAP! UGH!!! So here I am waiting and waiting to see the doc. Since I never go to the doc and I only chose a doc because our insurance required it I am considered a new patient so could not get an appt. ASAP. I have not told my extended family yet...including my mom. Kind of weird that I am posting this but I just don't want my parents to be worried and I also know my Mom would try to come up here and see me and I am not ready for that yet. I think it would be better to just wait and see what comes of this. I know already that I won't get any answers at this first visit. This could drag on for awhile. I think I will have to see a specialist before I actually know anything at all. This is probably one reason I do not want to go to the doctor at all. I hate waiting. I would rather pretend everything is OK and go on with my daily life.

2. I am also wondering what we were thinking breeding our dog. SHe is a great mommy dog and had a great litter of puppies. Now I have to figure out how to sell them, feed them, take them to the vet for shots, not to mention the fact that there are 9 puppies running (well soon to running) around my house with all the 5-6 kids that are here everyday! UGH!!! (again)

3. My DH wants to change careers! AGAIN!!! He wants to go to school. And while in theory I am all for it. I also know that he HAS to stay at this job.

I am remembering a Psychology class I took in college. One lecture in particular that I will NEVER forget was about stress. The prof made us all fill out a questionaire. It was filled with all these questions about major and minor life events. We were asked to answer the questions as honestly as possible. When we had all completed the questionaire, he assinged a points value to each event. We were instructed to tally our points and share the total with the class. I remember I had a score of around 500 points. It was funny because we (as a class) had no idea what the points meant. The points were to gage the level of stress that a person was under. THe prof was completely shocked that my score was around 500 points. I remember he said to me that I should be dead with that level of stress in one year! I laughed because I thought my results must have been quite typical of a college student. Not so! I look back t that time in my life an I am often relieved that I have not had to take that questionaire again. Because now I have REAL stress. Not just 19 year old in college and life is hard kind of stress.

Thinking also about the title of this blog. Sometimes I wonder what the deal is. No one should have to be under the stress I have found in my life. I believe in God! I have always been a good girl. I have always done the things I am asked to do as well as the things that are expected of me. So, then why? Why is the road so long and hard? I am not trying to complain really I am not. I am just curious as to why, that's all. I mean when does enough become enough.

At the same time I am wondering all these things and reflecting on how things are going. I know that everything happens for reason. I really really know that.

So I will keep on going and keep on being responsible and keep on trying to get through each day the best way that I can...

Until next time...

2008-03-18T13:15:00.005-04:00

We have too many toys in our house... that is the opening line to way to many conversations between my husband and I. I think because we both grew up in larger families and felt like we did with out in some areas, we over compensate with our own children. Granted we have four of them and money is always tight. But some how the toy collection just keeps growing and growing and growing! We have a playroom. A room that is a decent size and is completely dedicated to the housing of said toys. That room looks like a tornado blew through on any given day. I counted the toy boxes (rubbermaid storage containers of the medium to large variety) there are 12 of them! Holy cow 12 toy boxes!! Each of my four kids have two boxes of toys, one dress up box, 2 baby doll boxes and 1 play kitchen box! As you can see there is a good reason for a lot of conversations revolving around the amount of toys our kids have. So yesterday, feeling quiet ready to start my spring cleaning, I decided to venture into the danger zone (playroom) and started to purge. I tried really hard not to think about where the toy came from or anything sentimental. I simply looked at how much does it get played with and more importantly how tired am I of picking up said toy. Once the determination was made with the above criteria the toy was put in either the give away pile or back into the toy box to live another day. My bestest friend in whole world gave me some great advice about purging toys. She said that I should set aside one box of sentimental toys. Maybe some that really have a meaning or that all my kids got to play with. At the time I thoughtno way I am getting rid of it all. But then when I actually started the process, I had to admit to myself somethings needed to be saved. Like the it's a boy beanie baby we got when #1Son was born, the tummy time toy that all my kids have just adored, the Elmo (sack race) toy the #1Son and BB both played with so much, Winnie the Pooh and Piglet nite time toy that sings a lullaby, etc... I set aside a toy box just for keep sakes. After 3 hours I had narrowed the excess down to...

drum roll please****

Each child has one toy box!

I gave away (actually dropped off to the thrift store) 2 45 gallon contractor grade black trash bags full of toys!!!!

We have one keep sake box that will go in the attic.

And I can finally walk through the playroom. I still have a little bit of organizing to do and I may even give away some more things. But I am so proud that I was able to purge as much as I did. It felt so liberating. It was kind of weird cause I felt like that was a lot of money gone out the window. But at the same time I felt like maybe some other children would be blessed by getting some nice toys from the thrift store. So it was definatley a win win situation.

Now I am going to tackle all the clothes that are piling up around here.

Looks like this year it won't be deep cleaning and window washing its going to be purging as a theme for my spring clean.

I am determined to get organized no matter what.

2008-03-11T11:01:00.003-04:00

Now that I am feeling better and things are relatively back in order around here...
I am the most terrible blogger. I think everyday about the things I want to blog but then life gets in the way. I guess with 4 under 6 I can not expect a lot of down time. Since we moved into our new house I have been waiting for our routine to kick in. It has been 4 weeks now. I have the bedtime thing down again. One of the best blessings about this house is that my kids are not all sharing one bedroom anymore and so bed time now takes 30-45 minutes instead of 3-4 hours. I thought when we were in our apartment that I might just lose my mind over bedtime. It was crazy I would put them all to bed around 8:30pm and the last one would fall asleep around 11:30pm. Of course I would always think that they would sleep in more but NO! The first one would wake up and the rest would follow way too quickly! SO now that the girls have a room and the boys have a room, bedtime is awesome! So the routine is re-established. Bath time is working better too. As well as meal times (for the most part). Nap times are glorious! If only I could get BB and Princess to sleep at exactly the same times I could get a full two hours of peace. OK so routines are getting back in order. So, why then is there not enough hours in the day? Did someone shorten them to 20 hour days and not tell me? Seriously, I am finding it crazy to fit everything in.
My business is on the back burner (for a little while). I just can't seem to fit in the work I need to dedicate to it. I actually feel like a slacker. But then when I have days like yesterday, where I got up and started cleaning the house and did not stop until 9pm and still had more to do, I tell my self Superwoman could not do any better. How do other women do it? I look at their houses, so spotless and orderly. I am ashamed that mine looks like a national disaster area all the time. I wonder how does one get to all the chores everyday? I mean I know I am a natural born procrastinator. Probably a little lazy, scatter brained and naturally blond. But seriously! How is it done?

OK so that is my mood today. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned yesterday. Because when Mommy gets sick the house goes to pieces and it takes twice as many days to set it straight. What do they do when I am in bed? At least no one was neglected or hurt. Daddy says that it is because only the Mommy actually knows how to do EVERYTHING...hmmm sounds good to him I think.

Right before I got sick our life got turned a little topsy turvy (again). DH's 19 year old cousin (I'll call her Silly girl) came to stay here. How this exactly happened is a blur to me. She came up from Louisiana with her Mom and Sister to see Pop. You know when the hospital mistakenly told he was going to die. BTW He is recovering nicely from a surgery and on the road to recovery. Their visit was scheduled to last only a few days. Silly girl came to visit us and DH's other cousin (we'll call her My wifey). So Silly girl decided she wanted a change of pace. Life is not so good for her in LA. She has had it really hard in her short life. Lots and lots and lots of dysfunction. I should have known DH could not resist helping someone. He has such a big heart. I think half the time we have someone living with us who is trying "to start a new life". So it is with Silly girl. We have strict guidelines for. And being a teenager she is totally finding her boundaries. But on the whole I can not complain. She lives here and right now till she gets a job, I have a live in babysitter. That is nice for sure. We are hoping she can find a direction for her life so that things will get better. If nothing else we want to expose her to a different kind of family life. Maybe she will be able to see what a functional family looks like. I am hoping and praying that things work out for the best.

I have to go and start my list of to do things...you know like set up appointment for #1Son to register for school, make BB a Dr appt, make Princess a Dr appt, clean up the house, file paper work, hmmm I know there is more but right now all I can think is pour another cup of coffee...yeah that is what I will do.

Till next time...

2008-03-10T12:22:00.002-04:00

On Friday I turned yet another year older. I had all these great plans for my birthday. DH was going to take me out, yes just me and him, you know a REAL date! We planned on dinner, a movie and possibly a little birthday shopping. Yea!! I mean we NEVER get to go out with no children. I woke up Friday to my DH's darling cousin standing beside my bed with the most beautiful boquet of flowers (yellow and red mini roses...my favorite) and a card. I was so surprised!! And felt so special! DH told me to get dressed he was taking me to lunch. Another surprise since our plans were for Saturday! So I got ready left our kids with our new live in babysitter (more on that one later) and left for lunch and a little shopping. There was this nagging feeling of illness but I just kep thinking it was because I skipped breakfast. Lunch was great. We went to our favorite little dive. They have great food at really affordable prices and the atmosphere is great. By the time we finished lunch and walked across the parking lot to a little boutique I wanted to check out I was not feeling well at all. After glancing around the boutique I decided we needed to go home. Things were going south fast! I started to fall asleep in the car. That never happens. Of course I was totally racking my brain trying to think of any explaination that would make me not sick! I mean come on itis my birthday! I don't want to be sick on my birthday. We got home and I totally changed into sweats made sure the babies were fed and down for a nap and crawled into my pillowy soft bed. DH had not even gotten ready for work or anything. NOrmally I see him off and then decided whether a nap is in order or not. I fell asleep, you know the kind of coma llike sleep that makes you feel like you have not slept in a week straight? I did not wake up until 5pm! That is five striaght hours of completely uninterupted sleep! How that happened I am not even sure. As soon as I opened my eyes I knew how sick I was! My whole entire body hurt. And I was shivering cold despite the fact that I was wearing sweat pants, t-shirt and thick socks, not to mention the quilts on the bed. Can anyone say fever?!?! Thank God, Silly Girl, (Daddy's cousin) was here to help. I was completely out of it for 24 hours and then even today I am still feeling weak and queazy. I have no idea what this Death bug was but it was aweful. DH now has it and my kids are showing a few symptoms! I rang in my 32nd year in style! Hopefully this is no an omen of how the rest of the year will go?!?!

2008-02-28T18:23:00.005-05:00

As I was reading all my favorite blogs today I got an award. I am so honored. Honestly I did not realize anyone actually reads my blog regularly...but now... well let's just say I am touched. Thanks Farmwife! It means a lot to me :)

So here's how it works:

The rules for the “You Make My Day” award are to re-present it to 10 people whose blogs bring you happiness and inspiration and make you feel happy about blog land. Let them know through email or by posting a comment on their blog so they can pass it on.

My nominees are:

1. A wandering heart's musings

2. Zann's A Place to ponder

3. Jenster's Musings

4. Sarah's secret life

5. Farmwife (probably not supposed to pass it back but I can not help it! You make my day!

6. Caroline and Kimberly's spot

7. The life and times of HT

8. Ordinary Days

I am two short but honestly those are all the blogs I currently read. Each of you has really touched my heart and made my day. When I feel all alone in the trenches of motherhood. I am only one post away from a laugh, a kindred spirit, an uplifting remark, or a chance to be a friend to someone who is having a hard day. Thank you all for sharing your lives, it really means a lot!

What a week

2008-02-28T11:01:00.004-05:00

Oh boy I have had a busy week! It all started Saturday. I was in a lazy mood, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere. It was a good plan. Until that evening. I discovered that Princess Fairheart had cut her first two teeth! I was so excited to find her teeth because she is the first of my children that I discovered her teeth first. With the other children it was always someone else. #1Son my sister found his first tooth. He bit her one morning. Weewee's first tooth was found by my MIL. And BB's first tooth was accidentally discovered by my MIL as well. She thought I had already found it. So, I have been anxiously looking for PF's first tooth. I found it Saturday evening! I immediately called my MIL to tell her I finally found one of the kid's teeth first! When I called her house I found out she was up at the hospital. DH's grandfather (Pop) was there. He was in really bad shape. The Doctor told us he only had hours to live. He was in multiple organ failure, or so they told us at the time. Of course we dropped everything, called for someone to watch our children and rushed to the hospital. Our whole family was sad and scared. We all went to say goodbye and hope that he passed quickly and painlessly. I spent the night in the hospital with him. Not wanting him to be alone, we all took shifts. I stayed there for more than 24 hours straight. Emotionally and physically drained, I came home Sunday night. I just needed to see my babies, take a shower and get some sleep. My phone rang off the hook. Every time it rang I expected the worst. We pretty much spent the next 24 hours in that state, waiting and fearing the worst. When the doctor came in Monday, the whole scenario changed. He was amazed that Pop was still with us. They wanted to do a surgery to explore what was going on. But our family asked them to run tests first. After more blood work and a CAT scan, they discovered that they were wrong about his diagnosis. OK there were a lot of emotions that went with that announcement! First I was mad that they got it so wrong. Then I was relieved that he was not as sick as we thought. And then there was the feeling that things could still be really bad. The doctors discovered that instead of having an embolism (blood clot) that cut the blood supply off to his major organs. He had a blockage in his intestines. Apparently he had a lot fluid on his belly (that they drained off) and when the pressure was relieved the blood flow was restored and his prognosis was much improved. He still needs a surgery to repair his bowel and stomach. Now they are trying to get his strength up so that they can operate. Tentatively on Monday.
I think it is interesting to note that you never know how much someone has affected your life until you are faced with losing them. I have not cried for anyone (who passed) since I was 7 years old and lost my Great Grandfather (my hero) and my Great Aunt in the same couple of months. I remember after Granddad passed and I cried for a week straight, I told myself that I would not cry for anyone else. I haven't. I am not a cold person. I just never have grieved like that again. I am the strong one. I don't break down. I stay strong for everyone else. But on Sunday I found myself in such a state of grief. I love Pop! He has been such a force in my life. Until this past year (his health declined so much) I had been pretty close to him. I always tried to make sure we visited him, brought him groceries, spent time with him, etc... Then he moved into my MIL's house (to have 24 hour care) and his started developing dementia. We have not been as close. Mostly because he has a hard time remembering who I am. I feel like it has been a long goodbye. One that I had prepared myself for. Yet, as we sit on the brink, not knowing how much longer he has, I am deeply sad that he will not get to see my kids grow. He has always been all about the kids. On Sunday, while his hospital room was filled beyond capacity with all the people who love him, he told his older sister that all he wanted was "his". His children, their children and their children's children. He needed his family! That really sums it up! When I first met Pop, six years ago, I was pregnant with #1Son. I will never forget what he said to me. He told me that people come and go, but our children are the only thing worth dying for. Our children are our life. They have to be the most important thing. Never choose anything over your children. He went on to tell me how many times he had been married and how it never mattered if those women came and went. All that ever mattered was that his kids were OK. Today that conversation is still as fresh as the day we had it. He was right. People will come and go but our children are our legacy. I just hope that someday when it is my time to go, I will have mattered as much as Pop has mattered to all of us!
We will see how this all plays out. The only ting I know today is that we have him for now. We are treasuring each moment until the end. And when he is gone there will be a huge hole in all of us.

I am sorry that the tone of this post is sad. But that is where I am right now. I am living in the moment.

Until next time...

When did this happen?

2008-02-21T23:35:00.005-05:00

I totally stole this from Farmwife. How could I pass this one up?!?! I have seen these stickers on cars all over the place. I love love love them. I have even looked everywhere (OK not everywhere obviously I forgot to look online) for them. Silly me. So, I of course went to the site and played with different designs. What else is a girl to do, when procrastinating against her real responsibilities? I made up a really cute sticker (much like the one here) and showed it to DH. Who fell in love and said we had to have one for my car. He did not even blink at the price. I however, being the frugal Mommy, had to think about it for about 2 hours before I actually placed the order! I am so excited that I did. When did this happen that a sticker could rock my world? I mean seriously! It doesn't take much anymore I guess. I feel like it's Christmas or my birthday. I am eagerly anticipating the arrival (in 7-10 business days) of my package! If you want to check it out click here.

I posted the other day about A Look into my heart and I just wanted to share a couple of things that happened after that. I received an email from a dear friend of mine (who I am pretty sure does not read this blog). It was such a beautiful story about the importance of time. I would post it here but it is really long. And I have plagiarised enough for tonite. Anyway one of my deeper wishes is to know that my life matters to someone or for something. I just really wanted to know. I have no idea why I wrote that at the moment I did. But at that moment I wanted to feel like I had made a difference to someone. The next morning I woke up and checked my email and there as plain as day was a message that (in a nut shell) told me that I had made a difference to someone. I know these kind of messages go around (a lot) but the wording in this one was too close to what I had wished for. Weird huh? It gets better... that afternoon my MIL showed up out of the blue. She never does that. She just decided to stop by and see us. She was in the best mood I had ever seen her in. We had a lovely visit. During her visit she offered me new (to me) bedroom furniture. Actually it is my DH's Grandfather's set and it is very nice and high quality. She just thought I might like to have a nice bedroom set that matches! That was part of another wish I had. She also does not read this blog! How weird is that??? OK just one more. I also wished for a magic wand to organize my home. No, I did not get the wand but I was given the (financial) ability to purchase some organization things I needed. I also got to buy curtains. Now, I know you are thinking curtains?? Who doesn't have curtains?? Well, I have never lived anywhere that I needed to buy curtains for. There have always been some kind of window treatments (pre-existing) where ever we have lived. I am not a stylist, designer, or even very domestic. So I always leave up the plain blinds and go with that. It does the job. But in the past couple of years I have had the desire to create a warm and inviting home. Not an easy feat without curtains. So, when we moved into this house and there were no, none, nada window treatments. No blinds. No shades, No hardware to hang curtains. You get the picture. I decided to start domesticating our home. I know nothing about this so, we spent the first two weeks in our new home with sheets tacked to the windows. Yesterday, when I could not take it any longer I broke down and went out and bought curtains, shades, curtains rods, and hardware to install it all. I stayed up until 1:30am installing all this stuff. But I got the basics done. Hmmm....I think I have uncovered a hidden talent. I love this. I want to learn to sew, have you seen the price of curtains?!?! Again, when did this change in me take place? If you would have told me 10 years ago that any of this domestication was going to happen I would have laughed so hard I'd have fallen over. But here I am 31 (almost 32) years old and I am turning into my mother. Well, sort of. Anyway, I liked picking out the curtains and putting them up. DH better watch out I think I just learned how to spend his money on something other than diapers and formula.

2008-02-15T11:17:00.001-05:00

I just posted a new post on We Have our own playgroup check it out :)

A look into my heart

2008-02-15T10:06:00.004-05:00

Last night after I posted on my own blog, I decided to catch up on all my favorite blogs. Some of them have been neglected for WAY too long! It was so wonderful and relaxing to read about all the things going on in everyone's lives. Thank you all so much for sharing your personal lives with the rest of us. Being a part of this blogging community too me is like going out for a great cup of coffee with an old friend. That is exactly how I felt last night as I read all of your stories. I laughed, I cried, I felt connected to a wonderful group of ladies! It is amazing what that does for my soul!
While I was "visiting" with Farmwife I came acrossed her post, Give me a wish to build a dream on, I was so touched by this post. I usually am when I read Farmwife's blog. I swear sometimes I think we must be leading parrallel lives about 1000 miles apart. Maybe it is because we are the same age, grew up in the same area, and have the same number of children. I don't really know but I absolutely love to read her blog. If you have not checked it out the please do, it is so worth it. In light of the fact that I would have choosen almost identical answers as she did, I waited a day to decided to post. Now that my head is clear and I do not feel like I would be "copying her" (as my kids too often say) Here's my go at it.

So, here's the deal: post 5 material wishes & 5 spiritual/deeper wishes. And so with a little fore thought, here we go:

5 Material Wishes:

1. Either a magic wand to organize my whole house, family and life. Or a gift certificate to go crazy shopping for all the organizers I could ever need. Starting with the playroom (of course). Someone could always nominate me for one of those makeover shows or something.

2. I would love to have a stylist help me pick out a whole new wardrobe. I have never been a very fashionable person but lately I am just WAY too frumpy! Again, a makeover show would work ;)

3. Matching furniture in my whole house. I mean each room having a theme of some kind. Right now we have an array of hand me down furniture, so nothing matches.

4. An all expense paid vacation to either Ireland or Italy.

5. A new set of cookware

5 spiritual/ Deeper Wishes

1. If I could have a closer relationship with my DH. We are good together but lately life gets in the way. We hardly ever get any time to just be together. I miss dating. I want that back.

2. If I could learn to be kinder in my words and have a more patient spirit. I think that would ultimately make me a better mother and wife. And if I was not such a procratinator, I might be better at those things as well. Really need to work on my laziness, maybe I'll start that tomorrow.

3. Of course I would like to have a closer walk with God. Seems like again life has gotten in the way. And my faith is nowhere near what it used to be. I want that back.

4. I want my family to be healthy, happy and well taken care of. I want my friends to have good health and love and happiness as well.

5. I want to feel like my life makes a difference to someone. I want to know that in the end it will all matter to someone or for something.

So there you have it, the good, the bad and the ugly. For what it is worth you just a got a peak into my heart.

Play along if you like. Comment me to let me know to check your blog for the answers.

Until next time...

Crazy Beautiful

2008-02-14T22:13:00.003-05:00

Not too much to report today. I unpacked more boxes, baby sat for my cousin's little girl, played on the internet, and basically just stayed home. It is so nice to be in this house. We have so much more room here. The kids are enjoying their playroom and I am enjoying having a little space of my own. I think I am most thankful to have my dresser back. After 5 months of living out of a clothes basket it is SO nice to have a place to put my clothes. In the apartment we just did not have room for our bedroom set. DH had a closet, the kids had a closet and a dresser and I had a clothes basket. Now I feel like a real person again with my dressers and my own closet. LOL the things we take for granted in life, right? I told DH yesterday morning that I realize how much we have to be thankful for now. Everytime I think about complaining I will just remind myself that we could be back in that tiny little apartment, packed in like sardines.

Valentine's Day was so much fun for the kids today. They got a surprise visit from their "Aunt" Carrie. Who came bearing gifts! Each of them had their own little paper bag (decoratd with hearts) full of candy treats! #1son was so excited that when she left he asked if he could make her "some special love cards with art". So we of course broke out the paper, markers and crayons to make our Valentines. It was so much fun!

BB is totally potty training himself. Well almost anyway. He loves to wear big boy pants and he actually reminds me when he needs to go. Halleluiah!! Finally an easy child!

Princess Fairheart is crawling!!! Really really crawling! It is so funny to watch her make it from place to place and then look amazed at her accomplishment! She acts like she doesn't know how to crawl if she thinks you will pick her up. Still no teeth....should I be worried. Like I have time to worry about one more thing.

Princess Grumpiness is excited that her friend Chloe will be spending the day with us tomorrow. It will be nice for her to have a friend over to play. She has all kinds of girly plans. Dress up, babies, tea party etc...

It will be interesting to see how #1son reacts to the girls tomorrow.

Starting next week I have to get back on track with my business, but I am enjoying this little break a little too much. :)

So that is a glimpse in to my crazy beautiful life!

Changes, changes and yet more changes!!!

2008-02-04T23:15:00.000-05:00

Oh what a busy day. I should be packing my apartment. We are moving at the end of the week. Finally!!! We will be out of this tiny apartment and into a real house. I am so excited. But yet nevous to. Why feel nervous about something I really want? I guess it is the age old fear of change. I worry too much sometimes. I need a sense of stability and that will only come when we are settled somewhere. It seems most of our married life I am "getting ready to move". I hope this is the last time for a long time. I want things to work out with this house. I hope we can take the option to buy it. Right now that is so far off in the distance I find it hard to latch on to that dream.
My stress level has been so high lately. Maybe it is the impending move or the four small children or the husband who changes plans too often. All of the above sounds good to me. I wish I had taken some kind of life skills class that would have prepaired me for all these unknowns. The only way I seem to learn things is by "The school of hard knocks". I know exactly where my daughter gets her stubborness from.
So I guess you can tell my mood is not a peppy as usual. That's the truth of it. I have ups and downs. Tonight I am kind of down. Wishing I had the answers to lifes hard questions...heck I'd even like to have the answers to the easy ones...lol.
Seems like there is so much to do and not enough of me to get it all done. If I could clone myself maybe that would work. A "Me" to play with the kids. A "Me" to take care of the house. A "Me" to grow my business. And a fun "Me" would be great as well. But since cloning has not reached reality yet, I guess I will just have to find a way to work it all out.
I keep thinking that a vacation would be great. But then I know a vacation would just make it that much harder to come back to my real life.
OK OK I will stop complaining now. Maybe I should think about the things I am thankful for. That usually perks me up a little.
I am thankful for:
My kids. Each one is so wonderful and different.
My Husband who is a rock...sometimes a tumbling rock but my rock anyway.
My health.
The fact that no matter how grim it seems we always do make it.
No one evers goes hungry in my house.
The lights are on.
My new computer and internet access.
Friends that love me.
Family that is family and that never changes.
My new business and the opportunity it is giving me.
Our new house.
A playroom for the kids.
My paid for vehicle.
My hair that is growing back (like everyone said it would).
A comfortable place to lay my head at night.
My needs actually being met...that is a God thing! Big time!

Ok now I do feel better :)

Maybe I should think about the things I am thankful for earlier in my day. Maybe if I do that I will be a better Mother. I want my children to always know how much I love and adore them. Lately I am not as good at letting them know that. Since I spend 80% of my time everyday trying to stop them either bickering or tattling on each other.
My DH actually looked at me this morning and said (with a note of astonishment in his voice) You REALLY are a busy girl, aren't you? My reply was " Well, yeah! Are you just now noticing?"
I guess it just finally hit him that I get up and I don't really stop till well past midnight EVERY day. At least he noticed, right?

So potty training was a big fat flop today. BB got off to a good start this morning. He got up and peepeed on the potty. But about 15 minutes later I was cleaning stinky undies and a stinky baby. Then again at nap time it was nothing but the stinkies again...in undies of course. I promise that after Baby Girl is out of diapers I am not going to change another diaper for at least a good ten years...and then only if it is an emergency situation. By my calculations I have change aproximately 19,800 diapers in the past five and a half years. I still have at least one and a half years to go until I will see the light at the end of the tunel. Potty training is a big deal in our house.

Outside of the realm of pottys. #1 Son learned to tie his shoes this week. I mean really learned! I am so proud I think I was almost 7 years old before I could do that! Ok so, somethings were really hard for me. My left and right was not easy feat either (truthfully I still sometimes get confused now). So I am really really happy that #1 Son has picked it up so easy. He is proud that he can do "double knots" too. He recently discovered the joy of horseback riding. He now wants "cowboy" lessons in leiu of Karate or soccer.

Princess Grumpiness is giving her Daddy lessons in what it takes to make a very Grumpy little princess into a HAPPY little girl. They have been spending a lot of time together. Daddy tries to make sure she knows how special she really is. She has a touch of the middle child syndrome.

Baby Girl is growing and growing and growing. She hates food. Only likes to eat from a bottle. Weaned herself from the breast in a quick way and never looked back. She acts like you are trying to kill her if a spoon of baby food comes anywhere near her. She will however, gum down Melba toast, pretzels, toddler veggie soup. Go figure!?!? She has learned to crawl. Well, it is actually more like a scooting frog, but she gets where she is going. She still wears a Ponsetti brace on her feet for her clubbed foot. But that special little crooked foot is all straightened out now. The brace has in no way slowed her down.

BB (besides potty training) is a BIG talker. He loves to tell stories. If you don't listen to ALL the details he gets really mad. He loves to go bye bye and will try to go by himself several times a day. He still keeps me on my toes. He is the one who gets into EVERYTHING especially the things he should not.

DH is considering going back over seas again. I however (along with the children) will not go this time. Scicily is the possible destination. We won't know for a little while though. I am totally good with that as long as I can find a babysitter or a REALLY cheap (but over qualified) Nanny. :) I can dream, right?

Potty Training: stories from the trenches...

2008-02-02T10:20:00.001-05:00

Potty training is every Mom's dream and night mare rolled into one giant step for our children. You would think since I am on the third child that has had to go through this stage that maybe just maybe I would be some sort of guru by now. Not true I feel as lost at moments as I did the first time. But with this child Halleluhia! he really wants to learn. BB is my little pleaser. And He hates "diapies" so every morning for the past week wakes up and asks to go "peepee in da potty pease". And then he ACTUALLY does it! Then he refuses to were a diaper "I dunno want it diapie, want pannies undies pease!!!!" So far we might be trained in record time. It took #1 son until he was 3 to learn and it took till he was 4 to sleep through the night and stay dry. Princess Grumpiness was 3 years 2 months when she finally (after an entire year and Mommy's mental breakdown) decided that she maybe could use the potty instead of here pull-up. Yet at 4 years 1 month she is still not trained through the night. We recently went back tp pull-ups at night because I just don't have it in me to wash blankets, sheets, pillows and stuffed babies EVERY single day of my life! So back in pull-ups we go. That takes our bi-weekly diaper box count up to 3 boxes. So you can see why I really want someone to get out of diapers. I determined that I would not use pull-ups this time (except at night). And low and behold it is working!! This is the fastest I have EVER seen results. Maybe it is because my child initiated this potty training regamine. Maybe it is because he is picking things up a lot quicker than his older brother and sister. I don't know why but I am not going to question it. At this rate we may be diaper free in less than a month!

Yes it is me...I am FINALLY in the age of computers and the internet.

2008-01-31T22:23:00.000-05:00

Wow so it really has been 3 months since I posted on here. Believe me I truly had with drawals. I have read a lot of books since I have been with out a computer. Since none of you all know any of the crazy changes that have been going on in our lives lately I will take this opportunity to update you all.
In August we packed up and left Pennsylvania. My DH lost his job without the prospect of another one. We went through so much at that time. I struggled to understand why?!? We stayed at DH's Mom's house for a little while. That was a major disaster. Too many people and not enough house...or something like that. My children and I headed south to Tennessee. Home sweet home...for a little while anyway. We stayed in Tennessee for about a month. It was fun to see my family. I did not get to see nearly enough of my friends (sorry Wandering Heart). We headed back to Delaware near the end of October. Just in time for a nice autumn. Our home coming was full of drama of course. I mean come on I have four kids how can we not have drama? We were only back in the state for less than six hours when BB fell and broke out his two front teeth on a tricycle. We spent most of our first night back in the ER. Not to worry he wanted to get right back on that bike the next morning.
We moved into a way too tiny apartment for a few months just to save some money and recover from DH's job loss.
This time in my life has probably been one of the hardest but best times I have ever been through.
In the middle of all the chaos there have been major blessings. My family is closer (literally) and my marriage is stronger, my faith is growing, and I have truly learned to "Bloom where you are planted". Another amazing blessing that has come from these hardships is that I got the opportunity to start my own business. I swore off home based businesses about 10 years ago. But I found an opportunity that was too good to pass up. It is such a wonderful feeling to be able to help out with my families income. It has been so long since I worked (besides my day job of being a mom ). It is nice to get out and meet with other adults...apparently I needed that. I found something I am totally passionate about and it turns out I can make money at it too. That is always a plus. I having to learn to balance things differently now but I love it.

SO I am back. I hope to stay here I have missed my little blogger family. I can not wait to get caught up on all of you lives. By the way Congratulations to both Zann and Wandering Heart!!! I am so excited for you guys.

Quickie update

2007-10-23T15:13:00.000-04:00

I am so far behind that I may never get caught up. I have missed blogging!!! Yet I can not recall one free moment this month that I could have done it. Here goes a really quick update (especially for you Sarah ;) )
The kids and I have made it safely back to Delaware. Only to find that our apartment is not quite ready to move into! Thank you DH who keeps procrastinating. So we are staying with DH's Aunt and Uncle. They have been too kind.
The night we arrived back our 20 month old son BB had to be rushed to the emergency room and had oral surgery. He fell off his brand new tri-cycle and shattered his two front teeth. Now he won't have any front teeth til he is about 7 years old!! I know I know I should be happy it was only his baby teeth BUT it is hard to look at your perfect little baby who now has only a giant gap where 2 days ago his perfect little teeth were.
This was not exactly how I saw our first day back playing out! Oh well we are here and mostly uninjured.
DH got the job last month with a great company in New Castle, DE. Hence the reason the kids and I came back up north.
I had a great visit with my family. And even a couple of my friends. Sorry Wandering Heart that we never could meet up. The kids are over their colds now.
So I am living and breathing, tired and happy, anxious and overwhelmed so not much has changed. Hopefully very soon we will be settled and my life will go back into a much need routine.

Until next time...

Weekend to reconnect

2007-09-15T13:00:00.001-04:00

This weekend is turning out to be so wonderful. I am visiting my best friend!!!! I haven't seen her in a year. And It is so wonderful to be face to face instead of relying on phones and web cams to see each other! The kids (her three and my four) are getting along so great. We were worried that the kids would have forgotten each other. It only took less than five minutes for them to become reacquainted with each other. I expected to have to break up fights but so far so good no fighting at all!
I forgot how much I missed my down time with my friend. We stayed up WAY too late last night. But it was worth it! It is so nice to be able to just get in the car and drive up the road to see her!

Things on the home front are going about the same. DH got a job offer in Delaware. I am not sure how I feel about it. He thinks it is worth it to take the job for at least 90 days. He can not come down to TN for at least 60 days anyway. This job would afford us the ability to move all of our stuff and get a place to stay before he transfers down here. I don't exactly like being separated from him but at the same time there is an element of freedom associated with me being here and him there.
I got an opportunity to talk to an old friend yesterday who is going through a very similar situation as me with her own marriage. It was kind of nice to know I am not the only one going through a difficult period. It is so nice to have people who are honest and open about things to talk to.

I really miss blogging everyday. I d0 try to read every one's blogs but I am more a lurker these days that a commenter. It is hard for me to get online since I am always using someone else's computer. I am really praying that I will be able to get a laptop so I could have my own computer to use whenever I need to. Maybe that is selfish or foolish, since I don't even have my own place to live right now. I am not sure. But I think it would help me to feel more normal again to be able to have the freedom to do my computer stuff when I need to or want to.

I am struggling with the idea that I may need to get a job. Right now since I am staying with my parents they are willing to watch the kids for me. That of course comes with some strings attached. Mostly because I would need to work around their schedule. My mom and Dad have a very busy social life these days. I can not think of any kind of job that I really want to do. I realize that I may just have to get a job that is not what I want just get a little money and freedom but it is hard to decide what I want to do. This next week I am gonna have to decide though. My mom thinks that if I get a job it helps me to feel less like this a vacation and more like I am starting over again. I am still holding on to the hope that things are going to work out for me and DH. I am so torn because for the first time since we have been together I can see myself stepping out on my own. Part of me almost looks forward to it. But then there is the bigger part of me that knows I don't want to live separately. SO I don't know the answers yet. I wish I could say that I am at a place in my walk with God where my faith is strong enough to bring me through. I used to have a faith that was unshakable. I am not sure what has happened to that girl. I think I am just so tired. Things have not been what I ever thought they were going to be. I am not sure any one's life turns out the way they thought it would. At this stage though how do I decide do I keep fighting and tell myself that things will work out for the good? Do I throw in the towel and say it is time to start over again? I am not a good decision maker. I vacillate to much. I am always afraid I will make the wrong choice. I did not used to be like this. I used to make a decision and stick with it no matter what. Now I wonder is things are hard because I feel like there is just too much at stake. I worry about things so much more than I ever did before. Having kids will do it to you I guess. Some how I do feel the pull to gravitate back toward God and yet there is this overwhelming fear of spiritual warfare! Every time I try to live the way I know God wants me to I am find myself in the midst of terrible battles. Is it wrong to just want to give up and say I need a break? I am not sure what to believe anymore. It is not like I don't believe in God or the Bible because I definitely do! It is just balancing what I believe with how I should be living.
OK so I have gone way farther than I wanted to with train of thought. So, I guess I will go for now.

2007-09-10T13:56:00.000-04:00

I arrived back in Tennessee late Saturday night. Well actually we crossed into TN around 6 pm but did not arrive at my parents home until around midnight. Poor Weewee was so confused as to why it was still so far away if we were in TN. The drive down was actually not too bad. Considering I had three of my children all under 4. The baby did really great. She hardly fussed at all. Weewee and Bigoo did not fight at all and they enjoyed our frequent stops at rest areas to run around and play. I felt it was important for all of our sanity to stop and stretch our legs every couple of hours. It seems like that worked because we had a mostly pleasant trip.
I feel so much better just being back in the south. As I crossed into TN I discovered that it was opening night a Neyland Stadium and I was able to hear the VOLS play (and win) their first home game of the season!!! I got to eat Chick-fil-A and order a real sweet tea, for my first meal at home! :) For those unfamiliar with these things I will just say there is nothing like being back at home!

As for me and DH well things are going to be OK I am sure! I think sometimes for us we just need a few minutes to step back realize what we have so we can appreciate each other. There is no divorce on our horizon! Things are still hard for us. Mostly it is just the stress of knowing we have these 4 little people who rely on us for everything and right now we are just not sure how we will make it all work. Being faced with the loss of our only income has been almost too much to handle for both of us.
I know things are going to be OK.

So I am off to spend the afternoon with my Mom, sans children! Wooohooo!!! Whatever will I be able to do?!?!?!

On the run again

2007-09-07T11:55:00.000-04:00

O I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything....it's just that life is way to chaotic for me these days. We are living at my husband's mother's house with 8 other people (not including our 4 children). My husband lost his job about 3 days after moving down here. He is currently (was before he lost his job) looking for a new job. The one job he thought was a "sure" thing has not panned out yet. Needless to say we are having a hard time right now. We are both edgy and irritable with each other. Not to mention the little ones who are in constant need of something. As I type I have a 3 year old standing next to me whining about why her Daddy won't take her bye bye with him. UGH!!!! No peace for me these days. This whole situation is doing nothing to help the feelings of depression I was facing before all these new events came upon us.
I am going to go home to Tennessee for a little while. I really only want it to be a for a visit. But I know if my Mom has it her way I will relocate there by myself (with the kids of course). She swears that she does not want to see my marriage end or that she will not encourage that at all. But I know for certain that once I go down there I will be pressured into staying and starting over with out him. I do not want to get divorced (not yet at least) I don't think it is right to break a promise just because things are getting hard. Why did I even call home to talk to my mom in the midst of my sorrow? One good thing about going down there is that I will get to pick up #1Son (who thinks he will be extending his vacation with Nana and Granddad indefinitely). I miss him so much. He has been down south since July 21st. It is time for me to get my son back.

I know this post must sound desperate. It is not. I really just wanted to update those who read my blog. Kind of an explanation of why I have not been posting. I just have not had enough emotional energy to post lately. Not to mention no private time to think. I thought long and hard about whether or not post this. It seems too public a setting to post such a private battle. But in the end I decided it was better to be honest than to not say anything at all.
So those of you who pray, please remember us.

Hope to be back to normal soon.

I am leaving for TN tomorrow and won't be back for a couple of weeks. I will be able to use a computer while there but I don't know how often.

Talk to you all soon.

I am tired

2007-08-28T12:01:00.000-04:00

Ok so this move did not go off quite as planned. THe goodnews is it still (so far) has cost us less than we (I) were thinking. I got a free moving van from the storage place that we are renting space in. That was awesome.! Till I got home and figures out that it was way to small to hold all our stuff. And we only had the use of it from 9am to 4pm! You would think this fact alone would have motivated DH to get a move on it...right? Wrong! He took his time bringing our friend Mike up to help us move. They did not get back to the house until almost noon. Finally around 1 we started loading the truck and at 3:30 we were on our way back to the storage place. We arrive an hour and a half late with the truck and penalized $25 for being late. We like to have had a stroke unloading the truck into the unit the heat and humidity were so bad. Then we were headed to eat and go back to the house to bring the rest of our earthly belongings by truck loads to the house and storage unit. Today is Tuesday and we have at least 4 more trips to make! I am so exhausted. The kids are tired of being babysat by Grammy. I need sleep in the worst way....But on the bright side we are alive and well! So that is my little update on the fly...gotta run and get ready to take SIL to work so I can use MIL's truck!

ttla

Moving day

2007-08-25T11:28:00.001-04:00

Today we are moving so I will be out for a couple of days.....like I haven't been for this week anyway...hehehe

Anyway say a prayer for us there is too much to do and not enough time to do it all!

My mini makeover

2007-08-20T19:22:00.000-04:00

In light of the fact I have been feeling so bad lately, I decided today was the day for a real haircut and eye brow waxing. I got my long hair chopped about a month ago. But have been unhappy with how it turned out. I didn't say much since it was my mom who cut it the first time. I did not want to hurt her feelings. She actually did a good job on it considering that all of a sudden (since having my 2nd child) I have curly hair!!! Weird but true!
So, I went to the salon and got it cut really short.....in hopes that it will be really easy to manage. It took the girl a long time to cut it but I felt good to be there being pampered a little. When she was nearly done I thought I should go the whole nine yards and have my unruly eye brows waxed. Seeing as how it has been a couple of years since I had someone else do them for me, it felt like such a treat.
I feel like a new woman. I sure hope DH likes it when he gets home tonight.
So that is my step toward the Hot Mama Revolution today! If you want to know what that is check out my side bar and click on the picture. Thanks Farm Wife for sharing...;)

Good day

2007-08-18T23:19:00.001-04:00

Today I had a good day!!! YAY! I got a little bit accomplished...no packing done :( But I did mow the lawn and spray weed killer on the patio. This was a major task. I also got the grocery shopping done and spent a good deal of time with my kids. It felt great to be out in the sunshine especially since it was only in the 80's today :)
I also got to take the kids for a walk this evening. We have not done that in several weeks because of the heat.

Tomorrow I will pack a lot!!! I will I will...I hope I will...

PPD

2007-08-17T11:28:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a few days partly because I just haven't felt like admitting what is going through my head (until now). And partly because I am trying to stay focused on packing and cleaning my house. Since I am being somewhat lazy this morning I have decided to post what is on my mind.

The other day when I was writing about my deep personal struggle with being a mom, I felt like such a failure. I was so sad and felt totally alone. It didn't help that I was in such a bad mood that I fought with DH and the children all day. So, I spent a day of total misery until my DH had a conversation with me about postpartum depression. Now usually I would blow it all off as just a bad day. But lately I have been having too many bad days. I don't know yet if I do have PPD but it is a possibility. I know something is wrong. I know I don't want to continue in the pattern I am in. It makes me feel helpless, out of control and just plain mean. Maybe it is a hormone imbalance. Maybe it is something else all together. But I finally came to the conclusion that it is not going to go away all by itself. Whatever is going on is effecting me in such a deep and utterly chaotic way that I have to be proactive in finding out what it is.
So bear with me while I take my steps on this journey.
You may be asking yourself why I would share such a personal thing on my public blog? Well, first of all I am not a good liar. I can not just post cute things all the time and make it appear that I have it all together. Second of all this is very therapeutic for me. It is one of my only outlets. DH tries to be there for me, but let's face it he is a guy and a LOT less emotional than me. And third I want to share this experience because maybe it can help some other mom who is facing the same things as me. If I keep my story to myself then no one else gets the benefit of learning from my life.
I will try not turn this whole blog into a PPD thing (if that's even what is wrong). But I really want to reflect my real life on here. So please be patient with me as I sort through this murky sea of confusion.

2007-08-17T10:53:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged by Lauren

THE RULES:

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.

2. You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

3. When you are tagged, you need to write your own blog post containing your own middle name game facts.

4. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

E~ Everyday is a challenge for me

V~ Very very sleep deprived with 4 children under 5.

E~ Ever wondering when will they all be out of diapers.

T~ Too many blessing to count gave up counting for the next few years :)

T~ Tornadoes come through my house on regular basis...maybe I should alert the national weather services. I guess they don't send out alerts for an 18 month old, 3 yr old and almost 5 year old.

E~ Everyone depends on me to provide their security, kiss their boo boos and generally make life ok......how scary is that?

I tag:

Ok so I don't know enough bloggers to use every letter of my middle name. Unless you count the fact that I actually only have three letter in my name they just repeat :)

Have fun!!!

When there is no right side of the bed.

2007-08-11T12:42:00.000-04:00

When one of my children wakes up in a grumpy mood my answer to that is to gently tell them to go back to their room, get back in bed and wake up on the happy side. This usually gets giggles from #1 son. Who eagerly runs back to his room to emerge a few seconds later exclaiming I did it mommy I woke up on the happy side of the bed. Only rarely does this little tactic fail.

So here I go whining again. But I can not seem to find that happy side of the bed. Maybe because I truly know what is waiting for me out there in my house. And I would prefer to just stay in my bed or at least in my bedroom until life gets nice again.

It's not so much that life is so bad. I have faced worse you know. But for me right now being faced with four very young children, an impending move, the uncertainty of where we will be next, the prospect of staying with DH's family (again) etc... just seems a little too daunting. Yet, I know I have no choice but to keep on going and face whatever comes across my path. Only I don't really want to. What I want to do is throw myself in the floor kicking and screaming and see if I can get my way! DH's asked me last night to just tell him in plain English what he can do to make things easier. I wish I could do that. I just don't know what would make things easier. He sees it like a simple tell me what to do and then it will be all better. I am much more complicated than that and therefore can not even begin to know how to make this better.

I truly don't think it is depression. At least not in the sense of "Oh go to the doctor and get a pill to fix this..." It's more like DH and I have been together for a little over 6 years now and maybe I am starting to get an itch. I mean I thought things would be a lot different. They are not necessarily bad but something must not be right for me to feel like this. Most days I am OK with that. But when my stability and independence are taken away then I get little less tolerable.

I don't want to be this ungrateful sounding person. I am so grateful that DH has the only out of our home job. I do not know how working mothers do it. I am just not as good at multitasking. I know if I had to I would some how make it work. But I am truly thankful that I do not have to do that. I am completely willing to go with out the extras in life if it means I can stay home and focus on my children. I am not a high maintenance girl. My husband is grateful for that :) Maybe if I talk myself out of this funk it will go away for good this time.
I am sure my 4 readers out there are tired of hearing my long winded complaints.

So for my family, friends, and self I need to pull myself out of my grumpiness. Maybe I will go back to my room lay down on the bed and try one more time to find the "happy side".

Lost at sea

2007-08-11T00:13:00.000-04:00

Tonight I am sitting here wondering about so many things.

It is so hard to not get overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like I am caught in a rip tide. My feet come rushing out from under me and all of a sudden I am drowning. At least this is what I think a rip tide would be like.

One moment I can feel happy and like things are going just as I think they should and then something happens and nothing seems OK. What is this? Is it because I have been struggling with my faith? Is it because I have four children and never saw that as what my life would be? Is it because I seem to be the ONLY person in this world who can see the goodness in the man I am married to? What is this thing that is trapping me down below the surface of my desires to be happy.

Some might think it is postpartum depression. I would argue that I have felt this way since long before the baby came. Some would say I have been pregnant back to back for 5 years and so that is contributing to these feelings. To this I would say YES that could be it. But I see these other Mom's who seem so in love with being a Mom. Why can't I have that? Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids. I just don't feel the same about the exhausting, draining, hard work that it takes to do this job.

I feel like I am going to ruin my children's lives. I yell too much. Twice in a month two of my children have told someone else that "Mommy doesn't like me" What is that?!?!? I have never told any of the kids that I don't like them. Are they trying to elicit sympathy from their listener? Or do they really feel this way? Is this normal for young children to feel rejected when a new baby (or 3) comes along?

I try everyday to make each child feel like they are the MOST special person in my life. Yet they still fight constantly with each other. Lately I find myself either completely ignoring their fights or snapping at them for each little inference. How can I call myself a loving mother if I yell at them, send them to their rooms, spank etc... ?? But what am I supposed to do? My patients are so worn out. Even if I ever do get to sleep through the night again (which I am seriously doubt will ever happen in my life) I don't think it will change who I really am at the core.

I have spent my life trying to be a good christian, a good daughter, a good friend, a good wife, a good mother etc... Where is it getting me? I am not sure who I am any more. Beyond the basic titles of wife and mommy, who am I? I am surely not the girl I was in High School. That girl deserved a big kick in the pants. I am not the young lady I was in my 20's. She was a know-it-all who had an opinion about everything and judgements to dole out to anyone who did not meet her standard. Now I am a woman in my 30's and I am lost!

I question everything I have ever thought to be true. Where did my sense of self go? I thought getting older would help me to be wiser. I thought I would feel like a grown up eventually. I am lost in a sea of diapers, spit up, stomach viruses, and left overs. The list could go on and on.

When does the peace come? Maybe I am hitting the rebellion stage that I never got to enjoy when I was a teenager. Probably not but I do have this overwhelming urge to just runaway (for at least a few hours anyway). Where would I run to? Well, I have no earthly idea! That is the problem. Everyone tells me to find time for myself! Yeah right! I don't even get to go to the potty by myself anymore. If am cruel enough to close the door, I get to listen to a small person on the other side scream "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY....!!!!!"

Does it get better than this? I don't mean theoretically I mean does it actually get better? These are all questions I do not have the answers to. I am not even sure I want the answers (too afraid it will scare the *bleep* out of me).

So, that leaves me to wonder these things to myself. I would not dare voice them for fear that someone might think I don't have it as together as they think I do.

Failure is not an option...right? So I guess I need to pull up my big girl pants and put on a happy face and keep on keeping on.

Getting the word out

2007-08-09T16:35:00.000-04:00

I took this off another blog (thanks Jenster) and wanted to post it here to because I think it is SO very important for women to be informed. I had never hearf of this before and am more than shocked by this news. ope it can help someone.

Whymommy at Toddler Planet has a message to share. She's a young wife and mother who was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer when her infant stopped nursing on one side. There was no lump and it appeared to be mastitis. Instead it was the very sneakiest form of breast cancer. But I'll let her tell you about it:We hear a lot about breast cancer these days. One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetimes, and there are millions living with it in the U.S. today alone. But did you know that there is more than one type of breast cancer?I didn’t. I thought that breast cancer was all the same. I figured that if I did my monthly breast self-exams, and found no lump, I’d be fine.Oops. It turns out that you don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer. Six weeks ago, I went to my OB/GYN because my breast felt funny. It was red, hot, inflamed, and the skin looked…funny. But there was no lump, so I wasn’t worried. I should have been. After a round of antibiotics didn’t clear up the inflammation, my doctor sent me to a breast specialist and did a skin punch biopsy. That test showed that I have inflammatory breast cancer, a very aggressive cancer that can be deadly.Inflammatory breast cancer is often misdiagnosed as mastitis because many doctors have never seen it before and consider it rare. “Rare” or not, there are over 100,000 women in the U.S. with this cancer right now; only half will survive five years. Please call your OB/GYN if you experience several of the following symptoms in your breast, or any unusual changes: redness, rapid increase in size of one breast, persistent itching of breast or nipple, thickening of breast tissue, stabbing pain, soreness, swelling under the arm, dimpling or ridging (for example, when you take your bra off, the bra marks stay – for a while), flattening or retracting of the nipple, or a texture that looks or feels like an orange (called peau d’orange). Ask if your GYN is familiar with inflammatory breast cancer, and tell her that you’re concerned and want to come in to rule it out.There is more than one kind of breast cancer. Inflammatory breast cancer is the most aggressive form of breast cancer out there, and early detection is critical. It’s not usually detected by mammogram. It does not usually present with a lump. It may be overlooked with all of the changes that our breasts undergo during the years when we’re pregnant and/or nursing our little ones. It’s important not to miss this one.Inflammatory breast cancer is detected by women and their doctors who notice a change in one of their breasts. If you notice a change, call your doctor today. Tell her about it. Tell her that you have a friend with this disease, and it’s trying to kill her. Now you know what I wish I had known before six weeks ago.You don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer.A couple other misconceptions that need to be addressed are these:
I’m too young for breast cancer.If you’re old enough to have breasts then you’re old enough to get breast cancer. According to The American Cancer Society (ACS) more than 11,100 women under the age of 40 will be diagnosed with the disease this year and more than 1,100 will die from it.I have no family history of breast cancer so I have nothing to worry about.Another ACS statistic states 80% of breast cancer diagnoses are in women without a family history.
Because there is no good screening for women under 40 it's very important to do your own screening. The Young Survivor Coalition, a non-profit organization dedicated to the concerns and issues of young women and breast cancer, has this to say:
The best tool for young women to find breast cancer early is to become familiar with their breasts: their shape, size, and what they feel like. Learn what is normal for you. Sometimes your breasts may change throughout your monthly cycle. If you are pregnant or nursing, your breasts will change even more dramatically. If you find anything unusual, see your doctor immediately and insist on a diagnosis. Also, beginning at age 20, have a yearly breast exam by a doctor. Start mammograms beginning at age 40.

Letter to Lucy

2007-08-09T01:33:00.000-04:00

I was going to post this on the kid's blog but I decided to post it here instead. This evening Wee wee walk up beside me while I was chatting with my mom on the phone, and had the following conversation with me.

Weewee: Mommy I want to put this outside (folded piece of paper with crayon scribbles on it).
Me: Why do you want to put that outside?
Weewee: I want to put this outside where Lucy is.
Me: Sweety Lucy is not outside. Remember she went to heaven to be with Jesus.
Weewee: I know that mom! But I want to put this outside so God can reach down and give it to Lucy for me.
Me: Well what is it?
Weewee: It's a letter for Lucy
Me: Can you read it to me?
Weewee: Weeellllll it saysssssss there is a place for her paw print right here. And it says Dear Lucy I miss you soooooooooo much!
Me: So you want to put it outside?
Weewee: YESSSSS! So God can reach down and get it and give it to Lucy!
Me: OK baby we will put it out there.

OK this was the cutest conversation I have had with my daughter since her cat died last week. I think maybe she has watched "All Dogs Go To Heaven" a few too many times. We bought the movie yesterday and she has watched it 5 times already. But at least now she is coping with the loss instead of just crying for her cat to come back.
So we went outside and placed her letter on the porch for God to "reach down and get it"
How precious is the faith of a child!

Slam book questions and answers for farm wife

2007-08-08T22:40:00.000-04:00

What's your name/nickname? I don't have one....can't even think of one.

If it's a nickname where did you get it and why?
Do you have a significant other (very important question in the lives of high school girls)?yes
Who is your best friend?Tiffany
What's your favorite _Color________? green (I'll let you fill in the blank. Typical Slam book choices were color, band, song, movie, number, food. You can fill in as many or as few as you like. OK, so maybe the questions weren't really that deep, but we were adolescents...sue us!)
Do penguins have knees? no...ummm...I don't think so anyway
Who's hotter: Dead Poets' Society Ethan Hawke or Reality Bites Ethan Hawke? Dead Poets Society ;)
If you were stranded on a desert island which lead singer would you most prefer to accompany you? Eddie Vedder
AdamDuritz, Eddie Vedder, or Michael Stipe . And why? He's the only one I know for sure :)
If one train leaves Boston at 2a.m. traveling at 15mph and a bird flies south from your roof at the butt-crack of dawn which side of the bed will you get upon? the left side
Given a free long weekend & $1,000 you were not allowed to spend on bills, what would you do? Amsterdam
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Enough
Leave us with your favorite quote.

"When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk you'll end up as the pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."-- Pablo Picasso

Feel free to answer these for yourself and leave me a note so I can check out your blog. Or answer in my comments section.

My accomplishment for today

2007-08-08T16:51:00.000-04:00

Today I have been trying to think of ways to be thrifty and possibly make some extra money. This is a common theme in my thoughts everyday. I went to the store yesterday and I could not make my self pay $7.99 for the refill pack for baby wipes! I just think that is a little over the top as far as pricing goes. So I decided I would just make the trip to the Dollar Tree today to see if they had any wipes that would do for my two littlest ones. Sometime in these thoughts a conversation from over 10 years ago replayed itself in my brain. Funny how that kind of recall works but half the time I can't remember how to spell my own name or which of my children I am trying to speak to. Any way I digress. So, this conversation was with a friend in college who had recently become a mommy. She was telling me how to make my own baby wipes. I remember thinking at the time I will NEVER be that thrifty! Never I will always buy everything I need pre-made. Well, my my how things have changed since having children! I not only entertained the idea of making my own wipes but I actually did it!!! Wow! Yeah me!! This is one of those moments where you go, hmm I really am a mom now. I will let you all know how it goes. I am hoping this works because it only cost me maybe $2.00 for 230 wipes as opposed to at least $5.00 for that many wipes.
OK now onto the money making idea. I am not sure I want to share all of it just yet. I still have to research and work through a few things in my own head. But I have the budding of a possible home based business in my head. I really need to come up with something. It is not like I can get a job outside our home right now. With all the kids it would actually cost us more (in child care) than I could bring home every week. So more on this idea of mine later.

Now about our upcoming move. Which by the way I should be packing...but you all already know how lazy and procrastinating I am. Here is our plan so far. We are moving out of the house that we currently live in. And into DH's mom's house. For three months. At the end of three months he will either be at the job in Delaware or we will be heading back to TN. Not very concrete by any means but it is the best I have to work with right now. DH cannot in good conscience take a job in TN that pays half of what he makes here. The job that is available in DE pays more than his salary here in PA and the benefits are way better. We defiantly agree that we want to move back home with in the next year. We just want to make sure that when we do things are in place so that we will not struggle so much. Let's pray that things work out to get back to TN before #1Son starts kindergarten next year. If not then I will seriously have to rethink moving him after he starts school. So bear with me while I work through this agonizing decision process with my DH. He changes his mind sometimes more that most people change their underpants:)

Thought this was interesting and pretty accurate

2007-08-07T22:37:00.000-04:00

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional.

You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it.

You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out.

Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable.

Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there.

You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Nicknames....

2007-08-07T15:41:00.000-04:00

OK here is a random....or maybe not so random thought ....I stink at coming up with nicknames. Each of my children have been given a very appropriate nickname from their father. If my DH comes up with a nickname it usually sticks pretty well. Me on the other hand it just sounds silly...even to my own ears. Here is the dilemma though... (this has nothing to do with my kids) I need to make a new email account. I cannot think of anything that fits me to make as my email name. I am tired of having my actual name as the identifying factor in my email accounts. The reason I am feeling urgent about this is that we will be moving at the end of the month and so my comcast account won't work anymore and I need an account for all my subscriptions to be sent.
So how do you all choose such great nicknames for yourself? And secondly if I may impose does anyone out there have a creative idea that they would not mind sharing with me???? I am desperate to have a cute new nickname:)

OK so I am rereading this before I post and I have decided I really do have a pathetic sense of creativity.

While I am asking questions I have one for "a wandering heart" (since I know you read my blog..hehehe) How do you do those great collages with your pictures??

OK I will be back later....so put your thinking caps on :) LOL

To move or not to move...that is the question?

2007-08-04T12:04:00.000-04:00

OK today the big joke seems more real than on most other days. It seems in my life every time I let my guard down and let my dreams flow they are at once all shattered and I feel worse than when I started out. When will I learn? Should I give up all my dreams or hopes just so it won't hurt when things don't go the way I want them to? I know this does not make much sense. So maybe I should start with why I am feeling like this today.
I have been so overwhelmed this week. We have decided that despite our best efforts living in Pennsylvania is just to dog gone expensive. My husband has to work upwards of 60 hours a week just so we struggle to make it through the next week. Our basic needs are barely met. And with each of our four children having needs of their own the task to meet them is daunting. So, we decided to give it up and go back to Tennessee. This would make me so much happier. I miss home. I miss the ease of life, the familiar places, and faces. The kindness that you find in most all people, the hospitality and the food :). I miss my family. I know going back home will help with a lot of our problems. It has been so disappointing to live here. Some things, like the cost of living, could be over looked if other things, like the family relationships, were easier. I hate to even admit that we made a mistake. I am not equipped to deal with the politics that come along with a family that has been so severed by divorce and addictions. I did not grow up in this kind of environment and so my skills in coping with it now are not as refined as my husband's. Don't get me wrong there will be family members that I will miss so much that it hurts to even think about leaving them. But on a whole I am the kind of person that needs a lot of love and support from my extended family. That need is not being met here. So it makes my home sickness even more acute.
OK I am rambling. So our plan is to move back to Tennessee in about 3 months. In the mean time we are going to move out of our house and back into my MIL's house. In order to save money. If we were to try and stay in our house it would cost so much that it might take us another year to get where we could afford to move. The commute from his Mom's house will be hell on my husband. But he is willing to do it. So we have set the ball in motion. We gave notice to our landlord. I am starting to pack and at the end of this month we will be residing with his Mom again. Not so bad for us. I love his mom so much and do not have to hard of a time living with her. It is his younger brothers and their girlfriends that are a little harder to live with. But I can manage if the end result is that we will get move back home.
My DH put his resume out on some head hunter sites and immediately got a call from a company in Delaware. This company happens to be on that he has dreamed of working for since he got out of school. The benefits are great. The pay is decent. And the location is right in Delaware where we could be closer to his family. Yet, I feel so scared that he will want to take the job. I know that if he takes the job he will only be happy for about a year (if that) and then we will be facing the same thing all over again. I feel like this is the last time in our life that I want to make a major move. #1son will be starting school in a year and I want him to have roots. A place where her can grow up and know that he belongs. I was willing to make that place here in the Mid Atlantic area but now that I know DH needs to get out of Aviation and find a new career path, I want to go home. IS this selfish? I mean I want what is best for our family. He has a choice to go back home and possibly only make $14-$16 dollars an hour or stay here and make $25 an hour. The difference is not lost on me. I know $25 an hour would be better but living here and having the hope of going home presented to me made me want to go home more than anything. I can not see us ever being really happy here. There is too much hurt, the is too much...ugh..I can not even think how to put it into words!
So now I am faced with do I make my husband keep his promise to me? Or do I let him take a job that I am pretty sure he will not want to be at with in a year or so?
My only prayer now is that a job opens up in the Nashville area that pays better. His ultimate plan is to go back to TN with an aviation job but to enroll in school to become a HVAC technician. He really wants to own his own business. And we both feel the better place to accomplish this goal is Tennessee.

OK so I am trying to keep my hopes high and not be so scared that he will not make the right choice. It is just so hard when I have had so many let downs in my life. Just once I want something to go the way we plan it. Instead of turning into something we never saw coming.

On that note I will quit rambling and griping about my crazy life.

Our Cat Lucy

2007-07-27T22:32:00.001-04:00

Today has been a sad day... our cat Lucy went to be with Jesus. This morning when Dh came home from work he said that he let her in (she's a night prowler and spent most nights outside hunting) and put her in the garage so she could eat. She was acting kind of funny and when he went back out to the garage a few minutes later she had passed on. We think she might have been poisoned. Or at least gotten a hold of a rodent that had been poisoned. She was fine last night when I let her out.
I had to tell Weewee when she came home that her kitty had died and she was so sad. She immediately wanted to get a new kitty but I think we will settle for one of those "Fur Real Pets". A toy seems much more doable for us right now.

I know our family will really miss her but I can only hope that she is in Kitty heaven hunting and frolicking in peace now.

2007-07-27T17:03:00.000-04:00

I am waiting......
still waiting .......
for my little girl to come home.....sure wish MIL would call to say when they will be here....do I start dinner or wait.....I just want my daughter home I miss her.

Maybe soon? I hope.
I thought they would be coming this way early this morning. Guess not huh?
Soon I hope.

SHE'S FINALLY HOME!!!! 9:30pm but I am too happy to complain :)

2007-07-26T21:40:00.000-04:00

Despite the fact that I have felt crummy all day, due to some intestinal virus, it has been a good day. Today was the last day where I will have only my two youngest children at home. To tell the truth I have felt lost with out the other two. #1son is in Tennessee with my family and Weewee is with DH's family. Weewee got to go to the beach yesterday. I will skip the part about how I am terribly paranoid about my kids visiting the beach without me. She told me on the phone today the she liked the beach except the waves and sand part....hehehehe!
Bigoo and I have had a wonderful time bonding with just us and the baby. He is a lot to handle without his big brother and big sister to entertain him. While my parents were visiting my mom got him spoiled on taking a nightly walk around the neighborhood. Tonight was the first night I did not follow through with it. Only because I am feeling so bad. (see note above re intestinal virus) I love to take him on those walks it is so relaxing for him and it gives me a chance to clear my head as well. I am not sure how we will manage to keep it up when Weewee or #1son get home. It is hard enough to wrangle two babies (one in a stroller and one in a snuggly or sling). Weewee is just small enough that walking around the block proves to be a little too much for her short legs. I a have a double stroller but it is a little more than daunting to think of pushing two and carrying one. Oh well, that is a challenge for another day.
I will be posting some pictures to the children's blog soon. We got to take so many while my family was visiting. And then the last night they were here DH's Grandmother flew in from California. She has never met any of her great grandchildren so it was a special treat. Thank God #1son had not yet left for TN. I would have been so heart broken. Also DH's Aunt came in from Louisiana with her daughter and grand daughter. SO we had a great time.

Last Saturday was DH's birthday. He turned 35 this year. I think it is kind of messing with his head a little. He thinks he is old. We got to go out and celebrate with his cousin (my bestest friend here) her husband, her brother, his girlfriend and another friend. It was so much fun to go out and just be grown ups. I forgot how much fun it used to be before we had kids. Thank goodness for his mom playing babysitter to all our kids. I have to say my MIL is the greatest when it comes to stuff like that. She always gives us the opportunity to get out. Maybe it is because she knows if I lose my mind with all these kids she is stuck with them and her son!!! Oh what an awful thought that must be.....: )

So, I have calmed down now and the baby is nursing much better again. I think I may have panicked a little. It is just that I set my mind to nursing her for longer than I did the other 3. Mostly because I always regretted weaning each of them. So I want to nurse her for at least 6 months. 4 Months is the longest I have ever lasted. Each time I have nursed a baby I start out all excited but then I get to the point where no one is supporting me and I give it up. So this time I set myself up with support and now all I have to rely on is that I have milk and the baby wants it.
So far so good....with only this one minor bump in the road.

In case anyone is wondering Princess Fairheart is now in her special shoes!!!! We got them three weeks ago this coming Monday. We only needed on minor adjustment made to them and so far no more problems. IT has been awkward to nurse with this bar that turns her legs into an A frame when she lies on her side. But I just snap the bar off during our nursing time. We are still co-sleeping but the last few nights have been tough. My hips are a little bruised from her kicking her legs. She slept half the night 2 nights ago in her own bed (right next to mine) because I needed some rest and could not get it due to her kicking me with those awful shoes. Her surgery seems to have gone well but her stitches have still not desolved...hmmm...I need to remember to ask to doc on Monday about that. Bigoo likes to grab her bar when she is in the swing and pull her to make her go faster.....he is a little turd that I can not take my eyes off for one moment.

So, there you all go that is my little update. I am back to the world of blogging and my how I have missed it.

2007-07-24T22:11:00.000-04:00

I am back! Well sort of.....my company has gone home..taking #1son with them, Weewee is at her Grammie's and Bigoo and Princess Fairheart are here with me. I have had an EXTREMELY busy couple of weeks. I am so tired out that I am not sure when I will be back to normal. I think maybe too many people being around has made me want to be all alone. But I know my readers are wondering if I am alive. I am barely. I have so much I need to write but am overwhelmed at the thought. The stress is getting to me now too because the baby doesn't seem to be getting enough milk from nursing. I cried for half an hour last night when I went ahead and made her a bottle of formula. Darn it I really want to nurse her for longer but for some reason my milk supply seems to be dwindling. Dh and I are arguing a lot. Stress is too much some days. Could it be the baby blues? Or something else. Maybe it is that I am 31 now and feel trapped in this crazy life. I almost feel guilty writing that down. But I just need to let it out or I might explode. I feel like I am not very good at being a mom. I wish I was more patient and kind and easy going. Right now I am none of those things. Hopefully in a few days after I get back in my regular routine....

On a positive note, we had an awesome visit with my parents and sisters. It was crazy having 4 extra people in my house for 2 and 1/2 weeks. But it was so nice for them to be here with the kids.

Anyway I will be trying to post again soon.

Sorry this is not the happiest of posts.

2007-07-02T23:12:00.000-04:00

Things have finally calmed down a bit. The kids are tucked in bed and sleeping! YEAH! I am getting sleepy but trying to enjoy the stress free quiet. I think I may pick up that book again and read till I fall asleep.
It will probably take a week or two to get used to DH being on night shift. I am used to having to be really really quiet after 9pm so he can get some sleep. Oh what will I do with my nights free now. Probably sleep but I envision tons of time to read and surf the web and blog with out much interruption.
Tonight however I am calling it a night early.

2007-07-02T19:43:00.000-04:00

My house is crazy tonight. My kids are playing some game they made up. The baby is protesting to being in her swing. My DH started on night shift (4pm-2:30am) today! I thought it would be quiet this evening and here I sit with all this chaos and count the minutes until I can put them to bed. Is that bad?
#1Son and Weewee are pretending to do karate on each other. A few minutes ago #1Son was being the "green goblin" from Spiderman. Now he is wearing a decorative pin of mine (from my days in a professional office). They raided my jewelry box. They are pretending the pin is a badge. A badge for what they won't say. BB is running around between the the swing where the baby is fussing and the couch where he is trying to now wrestle with the other two. Pulling his diaper off along the way. I am trying to ignore all this craziness so that I do not lose my mind.
I should be cleaning my house. My parents will be here tomorrow (I think). But here I am blogging again. I like blogging. I like to read the book I set aside last night as well. I am consumed by the new book I am reading. It is called Outlander by Dianna Gabaldon (sp?). Apparently it is a series of books (6 I think) I started out reading the final book A Breath of Snow and Ashes (not knowing it was part of a series) and had to put it aside to read the series from the beginning. Now I have yet another thing pulling at me to get done. OK OK so it is a fun thing an escape of sorts. I wish I could get to everything everyday.

OK I just had to put a stop to the madness. I thought if I sat here and typed and let them play that they might get it out of their system.....boy was I wrong. They just got louder and louder as if trying to compete to see who could make my head hurt the worst. Well, I yelled at them to stop! I mean seriously there is only so much unnecessary noise that one can endure a day. I usually reach that limit by 9 am but today I was feeling generous.

Why is that if you have an enormous playroom for your children to play in, stocked with a wide variety of toys and entertainment options, that your children will opt to be right under your feet until you want to have a break down?
If I send them to the playroom, they want to be outside. If I send them outside they want to be in the house. Am I missing something? Or is this just and evil plot to make me crazy. Don't get me wrong I love my kids more than life but come on........how crazy does it have to get?

Oh well I am determined to still have a good night with them. Maybe we will watch a movie together. Of course they can't have any snacks because they refused to eat all of their dinner tonight........Oh my...well I will try a movie but that will probably be a fight too......Oh well not too long and I can say my favorite words "Night night time guys" :)

2007-06-30T10:39:00.000-04:00

Why is it that as a mom my day never seems to go as planned? I planned on being home all day today and cleaning and relaxing with out having to drag 4 kids around with me. But then Sear's called and said our dehumidifier is done being repaired and now I have to go into Wilmington, yet again! I could wait until Monday to pick it up by my DH is chomping at the bit to get it back in the basement. Our basement is very damp and is starting to cause us insect problems. UGH!!! I just wanted to be at home. Oh well, such is life, I guess.

Our visit with Aunt Carrie and Nannie Pants was wonderful (as usual). The kids are so funny together. Nannie Pants always has a hard time falling asleep at night when she is visiting, but last night went a lot better (for Carrie at least). Because Uncle C (my DH) had the "daddy" talk with her. You know the guy with the deep voice and scary 6' 3" frame can make anyone go to bed...lol Nannie Pants loves to manipulate her mommy. Don't all 3 year olds?!??!? Princess Grumpiness and Nannie pants took a bath last night and I wish I had thought to snap a few "blackmail" pictures of them, for when they are older. LOL they were way to cute. The whole bathroom got soaked but it was worth it for them to have a good time. After their bath Nannie Pants came into the living room and declared "we have jammies and panties on!" as she was lifting her night gown to show us all. Nannie Pants informed us that she LOVES #1Son, LOVES HIM, LOVES HIM!! When Carrie asked her if she loves Princess Grumpiness her answer was "I LOVE PG but she is grumpy!!" She still has a hard time with BB. We all think she still doesn't like that he came in and stole her babyhood last summer. Jealousy is a wicked wicked thing you know. She still refuses to give him any love. And he loves her so much. I think she will grow out of it though.
Another funny conversation with Nannie Pants went something like this: "Aunt J why does the baby eat from your boobie?" "Well sweetie, when you are a mommy you get milk in you boobies to feed your baby. Your Mommy fed you like that too when you were a tiny baby." "Yeah I know" "So are you a milker feeder baby?" I said "well, yes something like that?" She was satisfied with that answer. It is so funny how kids word things. Later on she was telling my kids that their Mommy is a milker feeder baby.
Aunt Carrie and Nannie Pants just got home from vacation. They brought us some pictures when my kids saw the picture of Nannie Pants with Mickey Mouse, #1Son was excited and wanted to know when we would be going to see Mickey Mouse. I told him that Nannie Pants got to see Mickey because her Mommom and Poppop live right near Mickey. You should have seen how big his eyes got. He thought that was awesome to have Grandparents that lived near Disney. We are hoping to be able to take the kids to Disney in a year or so.

So, we had a great visit with them. It so nice to have these times with our family.

Speaking of family, my parents will be here soon! It has been almost a year since they seen the kids (in person). They will be here for the 4th of July. We will probably spend it down in Delaware with Carrie's family. I am so excited! I have missed my mom, dad, and sisters. My kids are going to love spending time with their Aunts. The girls are always so good with my kids. I am waiting to hear from Mom as to what day they will be arriving. They are visiting family in Michigan right now and then I think sometime in the next day or two they will be heading our way.

Anyway, this is the most blogging I have gotten done recently....I better run now.

Before I go though would you all pray for my friend Paula. Her MIL is suffering with cancer and has been given only days to live. Paula is devastated because her MIL lives with her and they are very close. So, please keep her in your prayers as she goes through this terrible time of loss in her family.

2007-06-29T11:08:00.001-04:00

Princess Fairheart's surgery went awesome. The procedure was quick and went perfectly. And she had no trouble at all with waking up from the anestisia. I am super worn out, from all the trips to Wilimington and running around this week. So today we are staying at home. Aunt Carrie and Nannie Pants are coming up to spend the night and play with the kids. They have been gone on vacation for a little while and we have missed them a bunch! My parents will be coming for a visit next week. I am not sure exactly when they will be here but I know the kids will be so excited when they do get here.

I have to get off this electronic addiction before my company arrives and they see how I really live......the house is trashed and the kids are still in their PJs. At least the baby is fed....but we are coming up on lunch time and well you guessed it I have no idea what I am going to feed them. I really need a kick in the pants to get me started. Or just a nanny and maid combo....that would be so nice, but since that is not my reality...I gotta go.

2007-06-27T05:36:00.000-04:00

Well, Princess Fairheart and I are off today for her surgery. We will be staying overnight tonight at the hospital just as a precaution. Since she is so little and will be under general anesthesia. Please say a prayer for us. I promise a full update tomorrow afternoon when we get back home.

Today is a new day...

2007-06-22T10:00:00.000-04:00

I woke up refreshed and in a pretty decent mood. That was shattered for a brief moment when Princess Grumpiness decided to greet me with her usual whining "caaaaaaannnnnn yoooooouuuu tuuuurrrnnn on cartooooooooooooooooons mommyyyyyyyyyyy, I can't do itttttttttt" Ugh!!!
Oh well I can not let that ruin my day. I am much more optimistic today about BG's foot! I have peace that I will know what decsion to make at the appropriate times.

I have so much to do today. Just like every other day. There is the housework that may or may not get accomplished. When did I go from super organized to totally messy? Hmmm that had to be an evolution of mommyhood. Oh to ponder the evolution of mommyhood...there is not enough time in my day to do that.

Here is an ephany I had recently, I want to live on a farm. Ok if you know me well then you must be thinking "that girl has lost her mind!!!!". Nope it's not lost, maybe dazed and confused but not lost. It's just that we have so many kids now (not to mention our pets) and it is so expensive to feed them all. I want to grow our own veggies and possibily a cow, chickens, goats (to cut the lawn hehehe) and maybe even a horse or two. I know this is down the road for us but it would be wonderful to have a few acres (10-20) to raise our children on. THis has been DH's dream for years and now I have finally caught the bug as well. So this is my new gaol/prayer.

OK seriously now I have to start my house work before there is a revolt and my family moves out.....hmmmmm......now there is a thought......nope it won't work.

Oh how ADHD am I today? I can not stay focused.....

2007-06-22T01:17:00.000-04:00

I am so tired. This has been a rough couple of days for me. Yesterday BG's Dr called and wanted to change her surgery date from July 18th to this coming Wednesday!!! It was a blur talking to them and getting the appointments set up. This past monday she got a new cast and has been very unhappy since. I am starting to have concerns about the treatment she is getting. I have started to research the treatments that are availabel for clubbed feet. That is overwhelming. I out every 1000 babies is born with clubbed feet yet, there are very few doctors out there that know how to treat them. I thought the because we had a good referral from our pediatrician, that we would be getting the best treatment possible. I found out tonight, through a support group that I joined, that the Dr BG sees has a bad rep for actually making clubbed feet worse! Of course after reading through about 100 pages of complaints, I relized that really only 2 people ever posted anything bad about Dr. Jay. Maybe they just had a louder voice than anyone else. Anyway, I am trying to formulate a plan so that I can be sure she is getting the best treatment possible.
This is all so exhausting. I still have the other 3 children to take care of and it seems I am at the Dr's every other day with BG. I am starting to become really overwhelmed. DH is not that much help. He cannot understand why I am obsessing about this. I think my mom is getting a little tired of me talking about it too...maybe you all (my handful of readers) are tired of it too......or maybe I am just tired and rambling on and on because it is 1:30 am!
I have to decide before next Wednesday whether or not I am going to let this Dr Jay do surgery or not.
Please pray for me and BG (and the rest of my family) that we will find the direction we need and that I will make the right decisions for her long term health and well being.

I am tired so that is all I can manage to write tonight. I have a lot more to say but my typing is getting bad and my eyes are heavy....so good night all.

Yesterday

2007-06-19T10:13:00.000-04:00

Was the hardest day yet, with BG's casts. She had another one put on this is the first time she cried so much. Usually she cries a lot while they are casting her but she gets over it rather quickly. Not yesterday! She ended up crying her self to exhaustion at least 3 times. She was so upset it was hard for her to nurse (couldn't latch on because of being upset) which made her more upset b/c she was hungry. I had to go down MIL's house to pick up the kids and I ended up coming home after only about an hour. I had planned on staying and helping her with a home improvement project. But that was impossible. I called BG's doc twice because she was so upset. And seemed to be in pain. They said if she is not adjusted to the cast by today then they wanted her to come back in. She is still fussy today but not as bad. I know this might sound bad but I am too tired to take her all the way down there. The hospital is an hour away.
I am having a hard time these days with #1Son and his attitude. I am wondering if he is going to make it to his next birthday. I swear some days he is like 4 going on 24! He thinks he can boss anyone (including me) and he is talking ugly to his sister all the time. They both fight about EVERYTHING! Some days it makes me want to pull my hair out! I mean I never thought that being a mom would mean I would be refereeing all day. I watched a show the other day (Supernanny) and I am trying to remember to be more consistent and also I got a time out chair and now am trying that approach. It seems to work so far. It is just exhausting. Each of my kids is at just a enough of a different developmental stage that it is a little crazy. The only one I have a hard time with (as far as not knowing what to expect) is my oldest because I have never been a mom to a four and 1/2 year old before. The others at least I have some experiences in their age range.
Hubby and I have made our peace and are doing better again...for today anyways. I wish I had something funny to say today but as sleep deprived as I am there is not too much I can say.
Maybe later on......

A better day

2007-06-17T23:31:00.000-04:00

Today was a much better day for me. I woke up early with the kids and we made their Daddy breakfast in bed. And then they gave him his T-shirt. He loved it. He had forgotten that it was father's day...lol...he is so cute. Things are better between us. I woke up today and decided no matter how crazy I feel I am not going to ruin his father's day. We had a couple of moments before lunch but deep breaths and better communication got us through.We took the kids to the park for a picnic lunch. Then we headed down to his mom's house. I am glad he decided to make the trip with us. It turned out to be a great day for us. We left the kids with his mom until tomorrow. BG has an early appointment tomorrow with the orthopedic for a cast change. So I did not want to hassle with all the kids at 5:30am. My MIL is great she loves to have the kids down there. And DH and I really needed a break. So I have another busy day tomorrow. Children's hospital early in the morning and then down to my MIL's house to take DH's grandfather to the VA Hospital for his check up, then back to MIL's house to get my kids, then help MIL rearrange some living space for herself, then home hopefully dinner and maybe get the kids to VBS. I am hoping to be home in time for VBS. The church across from us is having VBS this week. I am hoping that we meet some people and make new friends.
So, I guess I need to get to bed. Well actually nurse the baby and then to bed.

Oh thanks Zann and Sara! Your encouragement made me feel a lot better. Sara you made me laugh out loud. :) I am glad to know that I am not alone.

Good night.....sleep tight